He loves me but it isn't enough

[Anonymous]

I'm a young gay man with a boyfriend whom I love and vice-versa and have been with for 8 months but here's the thing; His sex drive is so low and mine is super high. On most days, he doesn't feel like having sex and when we do, it's very 'vanilla'. Previously before our relationship, I was very sexually active so dating someone like him (someone with a low sex drive) was very different from what I was used to.

So far, he's been the sweetest and most handsome guy I've been with and I've been through so much with him. My own brother cut me off because I'm with him and my family thinks lowly of me for leaving the family so my boyfriend's family welcomed me with open arms. I'm pretty much living with his family right now.

Emotionally, he fulfills me but physically, it's just not there. There's certain parts of me he won't touch and there's certain parts of him he doesn't want touched. Sex doesn't last very long and he doesn't make an effort to make me orgasm either. I feel so limited with him on that aspect. I've talked to him about extending foreplay, trying new things, but he always rushes in and orgasms quickly. He says he's doing his best but I just don't know.

So now, I'm so tempted to cheat on or leave him because that physical connection and satisfaction isn't being fulfilled. Then again, I have nowhere to go... I just feel so conflicted and terrible about it. I've always told myself if someone can love me for me, it's enough but now, I feel it's NOT enough. >_< Am I being selfish?

[Lance]

No, you're not being selfish. Have you really sat down and talked with him about it? It sounds like he might have some other problems going on regarding sex and his feelings towards it. Especially concerning the parts about him not wanting to touch you places and you not being able to touch him in others. As well as him not trying to please you and rushing the experience.

Given your super high sex drive, do you masturbate regularly? That would help alleviate it a bit, at least until you get some things figured out with him. Also cheating is not the answer, that is only temporary and you'll feel terrible afterwards for the one moment of sexual gratification, in my opinion it's not worth it. It sounds like you guys just really need to talk it out and see what's going on.

[Gen]

Well lets start with the fact that cheating isnt a option, not for the pain it cause him, but for the pain it will cause you.

I wouldnt say that your being selfish. Have you had a discussion with him on maybe a reasonswhy he has a low sex drive, doesnt want to do certain things, and extra. Everyone has preferences, but our likes and dislikes are all based on something. It could be bad experiences with certain things, insecruity, or disconfort with certain things. The objective of being "with" someone should be as much for them as for ourselfs. It could be that you arent being clear enough with what you want with him, or he may be unwilling to do those things. Regardless is should be a conpromise. I would say to try to directly ask him why he doesnt want to go that "far" with you. Go more indepth into wants and dislikes, and then speak about yours. If he really does just have a low sex drive than that is fine, but its not fair for you to be restricted either.

Personally, I feel that in a relationship we should put our partners before us, because if it is truly mutual than they will do the same, and it will balance out. But I dont see how talking in depth about the situation should arise any tension on the situation. Just be unfront and specific.

[orangecat]

I feel like I can really relate to this situation. I had a relationship (of eight months as well oddly) that ended and has just recently started up again. Now, there were many factors besides sex that lead to it but my boyfriend has a high sex drive and I have a low sex drive and it caused A LOT of tension and issues. Although it may be true your boyfriend simply has a low sex drive, have you spoken to him about anything that might be going on in his life or that had happened previously in his life? Even just a tiny bit of anxiety eats away at your sex drive like mad. The fact that he rushes through it and is uncomfortable being touched suggests that there might be something going on underneath all of this. Now, this could be just his personality as I don't know him, but I myself have gone through a traumatic event in my life and his behavior sounds rather similar to how mine can be at times. Hopefully you guys can work it out because it really isn't worth ending a relationship over this. And it is especially worse to end it through cheating. Best of luck! <3

[Anonymous]

Considering how great he and his family are treating you, I can't believe you would consider cheating because he isn't very sexual. If that's not selfish I don't know what is. Sorry just being honest but that is just so messed up.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, you want to cheat on him? Did I read that right? YOu wanna cheat on a man who you described, basically, as Mr. Perfect. Cheat on him? Right. Uh…how 'bout NO, don't entertain the thought!

Spice shit up! Play a game, sexy Twister, strip poker, or something, watch a porno and see what gets him off, Role Play, exchange hot fantasies, have a romantic dinner and then make love…or the best thing, TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL! Communication is hella sexy! At the end of the day, sex is his dick going in you or yours in him- a beautiful relationship is something worth more than it's own weight in gold. And what you have sounds like it- a relationship I, and many of us here, would kill for. Think carefully whatever you do, but whatever you do, DON'T CHEAT ON HIM. If you were my man and you did that? You'd be one penis short of a one fully penised man. Yea, I said it. All joking aside, talk to him. AND STOP ENTERTAINING THE CHEATING THOUGHT! You're not much of a man of any worth if you as so dare cheat on a good man/woman.

And if you're horny there's this new fad sweeping the nation- it's called "The Masturbation". All the cool, non-adulterous kids are doing it. Try it sometime.

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

I'm sorry, you want to cheat on him? Did I read that right? YOu wanna cheat on a man who you described, basically, as Mr. Perfect. Cheat on him? Right. Uh…how 'bout NO, don't entertain the thought!

Spice shit up! Play a game, sexy Twister, strip poker, or something, watch a porno and see what gets him off, Role Play, exchange hot fantasies, have a romantic dinner and then make love…or the best thing, TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL! Communication is hella sexy! At the end of the day, sex is his dick going in you or yours in him- a beautiful relationship is something worth more than it's own weight in gold. And what you have sounds like it- a relationship I, and many of us here, would kill for. Think carefully whatever you do, but whatever you do, DON'T CHEAT ON HIM. If you were my man and you did that? You'd be one penis short of a one fully penised man. Yea, I said it. All joking aside, talk to him. AND STOP ENTERTAINING THE CHEATING THOUGHT! You're not much of a man of any worth if you as so dare cheat on a good man/woman.

And if you're horny there's this new fad sweeping the nation- it's called "The Masturbation". All the cool, non-adulterous kids are doing it. Try it sometime.

The awards? You deserve them ALL

[Anonymous]

Hmm. I think it's a bit more complicated than that. As an asexual whose only relationships have been with sexuals, I've learnt one thing: I will have to compromise on sex, because for certain people, it can be a really big deal. That doesn't make them more or less valid as a person, it's just the way they're wired. It looks like the OP is such a person - sex inside a relationship is important to him (assuming gender for sake of commodity, I apologize if I'm wrong). It might have nothing to do with horniness: I remember discussing with one of my best friends about how, to him, sex with the person he loves is important because he thinks of it as the ultimate level of intimacy and not having it leaves him emotionally unfulfilled. Masturbation is therefore not the same to him as partnered sex with the person he loves since it lacks this dimension. But even if the OP isn't in this exact situation, it is very clear that his expectations aren't met. Hence, it seems natural (note I didn't say fair. This has nothing to do with fairness or unfairness) for him to toy with the idea of seeking fulfillment outside of the relationship or even to think about ending it.
I do, however, agree on one point: you need to communicate with your partner. Keyword: communicate. You need to talk about your boundaries, what you want, need, expect, what is a dealbreaker to each of you, what you can't live without and what you might be prepared to negotiate on. You might find this checklist useful. If you don't find any point of agreement with your partner and it is very clear that you are sexually incompatible, why don't you discuss the idea of an open relationship? It doesn't work for everyone - I know it doesn't for me - but there's no harm in trying. Then again, communication will be your best friend. You will have to negotiate what exactly this would entail: one-night stands only? Casual dating with someone else? Would you be allowed to bring someone home? If both of you are comfortable with the idea of opening your relationship and the boundaries are clearly defined, it might be a good solution to keep your couple going.
And, lastly: I don't want to assume anything, but are you sure he just has a low sex-drive? He sounds a lot like a gray asexual to me - but then, obviously, I'm biased. If you want to investigate this together, AVEN might be a valuable resource.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Yes, I know. I feel terrible I even came to this conclusion and if I went through with the cheating part, I WOULD be a terrible person.

And yes, I have tried talking to him about trying new things. In fact, most of things we are doing together are completely new to him. And yes, we do talk about sex pretty often. He blames it on his religious and sheltered upbringing. Before meeting me, he never masturbated so I encouraged him to do it more regularly. He doesn't watch porn either because he feels uncomfortable at the idea of watching others have sex. And no sex toys because he feels like it's cheating... Another thing that really scares him is contracting STDs but both him and I were tested before we started having sex. He thought he contracted it once before so now, he's extra cautious about sex. He knows we won't give each other anything yet he has this scare that we might somehow still give each other something. He also won't touch my penis, doesn't like feeling cum on him, and doesn't like his butt being touched. I just feel there are so many limitations to him whereas I feel like I'm more open with my body, even doing things I don't like because I love him, like giving him oral. Not a big oral sex guy here but he loves it. And yes, I have made it very clear to him that all of this is frustrating for me.

Spice shit up!

Believe me, I've tried.

YOu wanna cheat on a man who you described, basically, as Mr. Perfect.

He's nowhere near perfect. No one is.

I remember discussing with one of my best friends about how, to him, sex with the person he loves is important because he thinks of it as the ultimate level of intimacy and not having it leaves him emotionally unfulfilled.

I agree with this one. A part of me DOES feel unfulfilled because he's not opening up intimately.

why don't you discuss the idea of an open relationship?

Not going to happen. He's made negative comments about the idea when he started meeting some of my older gay friends whom are in open relationships. Plus, he would only be more scared about contracting something. We do, however, openly check out other guys.

He sounds a lot like a gray asexual to me

Possibly but then again, not likely. He loves his men.

Thanks for the input, guys. I'm not going to give up yet because I do love him a lot.