It's hard for me to cum

[Anonymous]

(Male, mid-twenties.) When I read about people who cum too easily, I wouldn't say I'm jealous exactly, but almost that I'd rather have that problem. I have a really hard time cumming. I can't figure out if it's because I'm not that sensitive, or it's a mental thing, or a health issue where I don't have the energy, maybe? If I masturbate, I have to be really turned on, it takes me a while, and I have to be vigorous. I also only masturbate moving up and down on the head. I see people and people in porn can move up and down the whole shaft, but I just touch one small area.

When I masturabte, even though it can be frustrating and take a while, at least I can eventually cum. But during sex is harder. If I bottom, I can cum a lot easier, but even then not always. I feel extremely turned on, horny, and hard, but no cum. I have stopped topping, because I feel too much pressure. A lot of bottoms want to see/feel the top cum, and I can't! I've only cum one time while topping someone, my whole life. Most of the time it feels really good, I just can't achieve orgasm. So I keep going until I get too tired to do anything else, and then that's it. I like to top, but now I don't any more because of this.

What is wrong with me?

[Anonymous]

I have the exact same problem as you....I can really relate. I'm the same age, masturbate the same way and it often takes me 30 or 40 mins of vigorusly masturbateing to cum...I know for me I can cum if I like rub up aginst my bed rather then use my hand but I hear that is a bad way to do it. =(

[Lexington]

You say you're doing it this specific way. Is that because it's the only way you can reach orgasm? Or because it's the way it feels the best?

If you're having trouble hitting orgasm even when alone, it's probably not a psychological problem, and more likely a physical one. You may want to head to your doctor to see if he can give you some ideas.

Lex

[Anonymous]

I'm OP.

Originally Posted by Lexington

You say you're doing it this specific way. Is that because it's the only way you can reach orgasm? Or because it's the way it feels the best?

If you're having trouble hitting orgasm even when alone, it's probably not a psychological problem, and more likely a physical one. You may want to head to your doctor to see if he can give you some ideas.

Lex

I guess both, in answer to your question. If I'm touching anywhere else, it doesn't stimulate me, so I wouldn't orgasm.

What kind of physical problem could this be? And, what kind of doctor would I go to? I mentioned to my regular doctor that I had a hard time achieving climax, and he asked me if I was comfortable with my sexuality. Probably thinking that it is something psychological. But I am comfortable with being gay, so I know it's not that. I'd also had some blood tests done for something else, and asked him to check my testosterone levels too. He basically dismissed it after that and said I was healthy. I would go to another doctor for this, I just don't know what kind to see. I'd also feel too embarrassed to go more in depth about this with my regular doctor.

[Lexington]

Perhaps you can ask your doctor for a referral? It sounds like he's not completely on the ball when it comes to (gay) sexual matters. You might just ask "I'm having some sexual issues, and I want to make sure the problem isn't physical. Can you give me a referral?"

Lex

[ToTheCeilingFan]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

(Male, mid-twenties.) If I masturbate, I have to be really turned on, it takes me a while, and I have to be vigorous. I also only masturbate moving up and down on the head. I see people and people in porn can move up and down the whole shaft, but I just touch one small area.

Alas, I'm no penis expert, but I'm an occasional listener of a certain sex advise columnist's podcast and he mentions this phenomenon all the time -- I think it's called traumatic masturbatory syndrome. Basically, if you only masturbate in this one way that cannot be simulated during sex because a human body doesn't feel like your hand, then your body can learn to only orgasm when you do this very specific thing (that was a horribly written sentence, I'm sorry. There's an article here that addresses it in a much more articulate way below.)

Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome (TMS)? | Go Ask Alice!

The way to get past this mental block is to vary the way that you masturbate pretty regularly, and to avoid using the infamous "death grip". But it's also possible that you're suffering from a physical problem, so you should probably see a doctor just to be on the safe side.

Hope it all works out!

[KaraBulut]

It's not good that your doctor dismissed your concern so quickly. In general, low testosterone and other hormone irregularities don't impact ability to ejaculate- usually these manifest as problems with libido or problems with erections.

When guys come in with concerns about their ability to come, our first question is, "All the time- when you jackoff by yourself and also when you have sex with another person?".

When guys do fine when they're alone but have trouble coming when they're with another person, then we have concerns that they are masturbating in a way that is not like typical sex with another person or that they have a psychological barrier to relaxing when they're with another person.

When guys have trouble coming with self-masturbation and when they're having sex with another person, then we start looking for physical issues. Probably the most common cause these days is medications- particularly antidepressants. If it's not medications, then we'll run some tests looking for issues like diabetes and hormone abnormalities but it can be a challenge to find a specific cause.

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

I have the exact same problem as you....I can really relate. I'm the same age, masturbate the same way and it often takes me 30 or 40 mins of vigorusly masturbateing to cum...I know for me I can cum if I like rub up aginst my bed rather then use my hand but I hear that is a bad way to do it. =(

I can assure you that there is nothing wrong with doing it this way if you prefer it. It is not the most confortable position for some men(such as myself), however it is a completely safe and normal position to be in. Many men prefer it to any other way.


As for TC, even if the doctors are unable to figure out what is going on, which you should prepare for because honesty it would be a bit tough to test and conclude. It really shouldnt be that bad. You said that it still feels good so it is atleast still as enjoyable. The reason why the bottom likes to top to "finish" is mainly for the purpose of knowing that they are satisfied/in pleasure. Many, including myself, are not actually drawn to "product" as much as everything else. Truthfully, I think that if they knew that you are a tough one to finish, rather than just not into it, than they would take it more as a challenge than anything.

[Gen]

^I will never learn to uncheck that box

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Originally Posted by ToTheCeilingFan

Basically, if you only masturbate in this one way that cannot be simulated during sex because a human body doesn't feel like your hand, then your body can learn to only orgasm when you do this very specific thing

I think I have come across a similar Ask Alice article when I was looking around the internet about this, and I have heard of this. The only difference is that these people who are stuck masturbating in that certain way can achieve orgasm easily when they masturbate that way, while I have difficulty finishing off even if I am masturbating the way I prefer to. I have tried varying how I do it just in case, but I don't feel much if I don't do it that way.

Originally Posted by KaraBulut

It's not good that your doctor dismissed your concern so quickly. In general, low testosterone and other hormone irregularities don't impact ability to ejaculate- usually these manifest as problems with libido or problems with erections.

When guys come in with concerns about their ability to come, our first question is, "All the time- when you jackoff by yourself and also when you have sex with another person?".

When guys do fine when they're alone but have trouble coming when they're with another person, then we have concerns that they are masturbating in a way that is not like typical sex with another person or that they have a psychological barrier to relaxing when they're with another person.

When guys have trouble coming with self-masturbation and when they're having sex with another person, then we start looking for physical issues. Probably the most common cause these days is medications- particularly antidepressants. If it's not medications, then we'll run some tests looking for issues like diabetes and hormone abnormalities but it can be a challenge to find a specific cause.

Maybe he thought I couldn't ejaculate because there was something wrong with my libido. I had mentioned that I wasn't feeling aroused as often anymore. But yeah, he still did dismiss it too quickly without any sort of followup.

I am not on any sort of medications, so I know it's not that. My doctor did do that blood test and didn't find any abnormalities, other than a bit of a low potassium level, but I don't think that would affect this? So if it's not medication, diabetes, or a psychological barrier, why would it be so difficult for me to cum? And who would I even go to see to try to fix this?

The thing is that I have always had difficulty cumming as a top. I never had much of a problem finishing off as a bottom or by myself. But they gradually became issues. I started noticing that I wouldn't always orgasm when I was with another guy, and then I noticed that even when I was by myself, sometimes it took me long enough that I got frustrated and just stopped.

Originally Posted by Anonymous

As for TC, even if the doctors are unable to figure out what is going on, which you should prepare for because honesty it would be a bit tough to test and conclude. It really shouldnt be that bad. You said that it still feels good so it is atleast still as enjoyable. The reason why the bottom likes to top to "finish" is mainly for the purpose of knowing that they are satisfied/in pleasure. Many, including myself, are not actually drawn to "product" as much as everything else. Truthfully, I think that if they knew that you are a tough one to finish, rather than just not into it, than they would take it more as a challenge than anything.

I think it's frustrating for myself too, though, as well as for my partner. I like to finish...I mean it's more satisfying than just going until you're tired and then stopping. And I feel embarrassed if I can't cum for a guy, since everyone else seems to be able to do it so easily, and people have to hold themselves back from cumming too early. Yes, sometimes the person felt bad because they felt like I didn't enjoy myself, and I had to convince them that I did. But then he would just say something like, ok I owe you next time then, which would just make me feel more pressured. Then it could be harder if I feel that pressure, or I come up with excuses and reasons not to meet again. There's only so many times I can say that I'm tired and had a long day that it doesn't seem ridiculous.

I have one friend that I've played with on and off over about a year. It took me a year to cum with him.

[Bobbgooduk]

I think there are all sorts of factors that could play a role here:

1. Are your cut or uncut? If you're cut then I believe that some men are so "sensitive" that the brain sort of ignores the stimulus coming from the penis - they are desensitized, in other words. As an uncut man myself, I cannot speak from experience, but I have heard from my partner who was circumcised as an adult, that there is a difference in sensation. Plus, if you're concentrating on the head only and it's already overloaded, that might affect your ability to climax. A possible solution to that might be to masturbate wearing a condom - if it works, does it matter?

2. Have you asked a partner to do it for you? For me it is a big turn-on, far more than anything else, and mutual masturbation could be a way to explore whether it is just your hand that doesn't feel right.

3. Anxiety is the biggest passion-killer for straight or gay men. If you get anxious and fretful about whether you're going to accomplish the mission, it can have a delaying effect and cause loss of erection in some circumstances. Performance anxiety, in other words.

4. You say you achieve better result as a bottom. Toys? Again, does it matter if it works.

5. I don't tend to be a penetrator - I can go for hours without cumming, which is great for some people but wears others out! My point here is that I don't normally have a problem, but in certain circumstance, it takes me hours to cum.

None of my suggestions above are majorly invasive. Why not experiment a bit and it it still doesn't make a difference, see the doctor.

Good luck

[Chip]

Barring any obvious physiological symptoms, which your doctor seems to have ruled out, my sense would be that there's likely some unconscious/psychological issue going on. I'm not saying that you're not comfortable with your sexuality or anything obvious, more likely there's just something going on at a pretty deep unconscious level that's essentially throwing a wrench in the conscious mental processes that lead to orgasm.

A lot of people don't realize that orgasm and ejaculation has a very large psychological component to it, and, somewhat counterintuitively, the more you focus on it, often times the harder it is to orgasm.

If you're in a large enough city where there's a sexologist, or, failing that, a psychologist with extensive experience/practice in sexual dysfunction, it might be something you can resolve really easily with a handful of sessions.

If you PM me, I think I have some simple meditations/exercises you can do that could help.

[Anonymous]

[QUOTE=ToTheCeilingFan;1124205]

Originally Posted by Bobbgooduk

I think there are all sorts of factors that could play a role here:

1. Are your cut or uncut? If you're cut then I believe that some men are so "sensitive" that the brain sort of ignores the stimulus coming from the penis - they are desensitized, in other words. As an uncut man myself, I cannot speak from experience, but I have heard from my partner who was circumcised as an adult, that there is a difference in sensation. Plus, if you're concentrating on the head only and it's already overloaded, that might affect your ability to climax. A possible solution to that might be to masturbate wearing a condom - if it works, does it matter?

2. Have you asked a partner to do it for you? For me it is a big turn-on, far more than anything else, and mutual masturbation could be a way to explore whether it is just your hand that doesn't feel right.

3. Anxiety is the biggest passion-killer for straight or gay men. If you get anxious and fretful about whether you're going to accomplish the mission, it can have a delaying effect and cause loss of erection in some circumstances. Performance anxiety, in other words.

4. You say you achieve better result as a bottom. Toys? Again, does it matter if it works.

5. I don't tend to be a penetrator - I can go for hours without cumming, which is great for some people but wears others out! My point here is that I don't normally have a problem, but in certain circumstance, it takes me hours to cum.

None of my suggestions above are majorly invasive. Why not experiment a bit and it it still doesn't make a difference, see the doctor.

Good luck

1) I am cut. I probably am less sensitive. But I don't think any more or less than I used to be. I read that some people put Vaseline or something on the head of their penis before a shower/bed to help make it more sensitive. I tried it for a short time...I think it made it a little softer but I don't know about more sensitive. I find it difficult to ejaculate with a condom on.

2) I like to be touched, but I have never cum from someone else jerking me off...it just will never get me to that place.

3) I am sure that anxiety has something to do with it sometimes. But even when I was with my ex whom I never felt anxious about with regarding sex, I could not always finish. Towards the end anyway, earlier on it had never been an issue. Maybe I have too much subconscious anxiety going on about something, I have always been an overthinker.

4) As weird as this is, leaning more towards bottom than top usually, I have always disliked toys. I don't get any pleasure from them. I always figured that maybe I am not such an anal person, but I like the IDEA of...you know, a man inside me, so in the moment it feels good. But I don't even like getting fingered.

Originally Posted by Chip

Barring any obvious physiological symptoms, which your doctor seems to have ruled out, my sense would be that there's likely some unconscious/psychological issue going on. I'm not saying that you're not comfortable with your sexuality or anything obvious, more likely there's just something going on at a pretty deep unconscious level that's essentially throwing a wrench in the conscious mental processes that lead to orgasm.

A lot of people don't realize that orgasm and ejaculation has a very large psychological component to it, and, somewhat counterintuitively, the more you focus on it, often times the harder it is to orgasm.

If you're in a large enough city where there's a sexologist, or, failing that, a psychologist with extensive experience/practice in sexual dysfunction, it might be something you can resolve really easily with a handful of sessions.

If you PM me, I think I have some simple meditations/exercises you can do that could help.

I am open to seeing a doctor, if it would help. What is a sexologist? A therapist? I would think there should be one somewhere, since I do live in a big city.

[Bobbgooduk]

3) I am sure that anxiety has something to do with it sometimes. But even when I was with my ex whom I never felt anxious about with regarding sex, I could not always finish. Towards the end anyway, earlier on it had never been an issue. Maybe I have too much subconscious anxiety going on about something, I have always been an overthinker.


I find this bit interesting:

You say you had no problem early on, but it became more difficult towards the end.

This suggests to me that you have a psychological issue, maybe. It suggests to me that you need the security of a close relationship to feel comfortable

Go to the doctor - don't be embarrassed - it's a daily issue for them.

I would wait for a referral before contacting a "sexologist" - there are a lot of quacks and charlatans out there - only go to someone who is recommended by a professional.

[Anonymous]

I throw my little quirk into this thread too. Might help/might not.

I have never been diagnosed but I do have characteristics of being OCD to some degree. I love cleanliness. So my problem is that it takes me longer....a lot longer to ejaculate if I'm not ejaculating into something (ie a condom, a mouth, someone else's underwear , a sock.....people were doing it loooong before American Pie etc). I absolutely HATE making a mess. Like I said, I CAN ejaculate, it just take a lot longer. So depending on what you do, maybe that's an issue for well. Take it for what it's worth.

(Yes....I'm keeping this anonymous because of some my 'catch-all fetishes' )

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Bobbgooduk

3)You say you had no problem early on, but it became more difficult towards the end.

This suggests to me that you have a psychological issue, maybe. It suggests to me that you need the security of a close relationship to feel comfortable

Go to the doctor - don't be embarrassed - it's a daily issue for them.

I would wait for a referral before contacting a "sexologist" - there are a lot of quacks and charlatans out there - only go to someone who is recommended by a professional.

With my ex, I do think it could be a mindset because of all of our history. But even before him, I've had the problem with ejaculating when I top. For a while I thought that it was psychological in that maybe I was trying to force myself to be a top, and didn't want to feel the "stigma" as a being only a bottom. So I kind of observed myself after that, and realized...I really do like to top. Lol. And it still would not explain how it's difficult for me even when I masturbate by myself. I guess I could ask for a referral from my doctor. I still would feel embarrassed, even though I know they deal with this stuff. Or maybe I could contact a local gay center and ask them for a referral?

[Bobbgooduk]

I don't know how it works in your area so I can't offer advice other than to say that the doctor is a safe bet. You may be able to get recommendations from other places, but a doctor can make referrals based on clinical decisions. You'll have to be honest, though. What you are trying to do is perfectly normal and you should expect a sympathetic ear.

In the UK, they have a lot of health centres where several doctors work together. Even if you are registered with one doctor, you can still ask to see another for an appointment. If that is a possibility, go to the doctor you feel most comfortable with. I always felt more comfortable talking about my "man-issues" with a male doctor, just as women often feel more comfortable talking to a female doctor about their issues.
This migh not be possible in your situation, but it's a thought.

I understand the thing about "roles" - top or bottom - but it was never an issue for me. I was assaulted as a young teenager and anal sex has never featured high on my list. I have done it, of course, but I feel happier with other activities. Neither role is "confortable" for me psychologically so it doesn't work at all. It's personal and "irrational" but I've never quite come to terms with the hurt I suffered and I don't miss it anyway. The fact that you are versatile in your role is not unusual though - I suppose it just depends how you feel with the person you're with.

The longer you keep yourself worrying about this, the longer it will take to resolve. It must also be damned frustrating!

Go to the doctor - bite the bullet and seek a professional's opinion. It really will be the quickest remedy for you.

In the meantime, I'm sure you know we are all thinking of you and wishing you a speedy resolution