I'm gay... right?

[Anonymous]

So, having browsed around a bit here, hi, for one!

To start off, I'm a guy, mid-twenties. And I'm kinda going through this whole big questioning phase. >:/

See... when I was younger, like... maybe.... 16 years ago? I held this crush for this girl. At least, I think it was a crush, from what I remember. There weren't too many kids where I lived, and the majority of them were female. I had one good guy friend. Anyway, she was cool, taught me a lot of things, and we had fun, but she could also get cold and distant, was kinda sensitive, emotionally.

Thing is, I held an emotional attraction for her. That's it. Nothing physical, nothing sexual, just... emotional. And a few years later, I stumbled onto gay porn and the like. And I remember getting turned on by it, but feeling really guilty after I was done. Like, by doing this, I had felt like I was gay, and I didn't want that.

But every time after that, I looked at gay porn. I TRIED looking at straight porn a few times, looking at naked female bodies, but.... it did nothing. Not like naked guys and gay porn did. It just seemed enthralling and passionate. Then I started thinking about some male x male video game characters, along with having sexual fantasies involving my guy friend. >//////>

Despite all this, it never occurred to me I could be gay. Or I was just desperately denying it. Hell, kissing a guy or getting intimate with a guy, back then, seemed enthralling, but I also got scared just thinking about it.

As the years went on, my urges and yearnings and fantasies grew more evident, and I even started having dreams about sexual encounters with guys. Never have I dreamed about a sexual encounter with a girl. :c

Yet despite all this, I'm not sure I CAN be intimate with a guy. I mean, what we think about, and the reality of things are different, right?

This past year, though, I started coming out to some of my friends, and slowly and surely, I... became more comfortable in my own skin. Though, these yearnings and fantasies, for the most part, calmed down too. Yet... I read that it's mostly that it's where your eyes are drawn and the like that helps determine your sexuality. And yeah, I like oogling some guys, but there aren't too many here that are worth oogling, in my opinion. But... other people wouldn't think the same. :/ Girls, well... they do look nice, some of them, I just can't say if I'm necessarily 'attracted' to them, which is confusing. I'm not sexually attracted to women, for sure, it's just... hard to say where my 'attraction' lies.

Doing anything romantic for/with a guy also seems kinda... foreign and weird to me. I get all nervous and anxious and apprehensive. But doing anything romantic for a girl is just something I've seen on TV, and I wanted to do it in a friendly sense, to make them feel better.

I never really wanted a girl to fall in love with me, but I'm not sure I'm enough for a guy. I'm not sure if they'd feel that way about me, if I was what they wanted. Most of the time, I don't hold an interest in someone unless they hold an interest in me. From my experience, anyway.

Just a mish-mash of feelings that I can't sort out. :S Yeah, being gay and knowing it, and feeling comfortable with it... I'd like that. I know for certain, I CANNOT be 100% straight. And as much as the idea of being with a girl isn't as exciting, I think, in some ways, I'd be able to pull it off. But, whether that's me forcing it or it coming naturally, I have no clue.

I DO get along better with girls than I do guys, though. With girls, I feel looser. Like I can be myself and not really be afraid of being judged. With guys, it's a bit tighter on the reins, but to guys I've come out to, I feel cool with 'em. And ever since I started coming out to my friends, I feel more open, and I don't feel that need/want to shut myself out from them after a certain period of time, like how I was before. In fact, depending on who it is, I wanna spend more time with them!

SHEESH, it's a lengthy one. :P

[Ridiculous]

I'm going to go ahead and say that yes, you are gay.

You like looking at guys and don't feel the same way for girls (finding something conventionally attractive isn't the same as being attracted), you enjoy gay porn but don't enjoy straight porn, you have fantasised and dreamed about guys but not girls, you don't want a girl to be in love with you and have only viewed them as friends. These are all clear indications of someone who is solely attracted to males - you certainly can't call yourself straight, and I don't think you can even call yourself bisexual to any degree.

Pretty much the entire post focused on how you find males much more attractive in every way.

I'm not sure what advice I can give though - other than to definitely not get into a relationship with a girl because you think you could pull it off. It wouldn't be fair to either of you.

[Bobbgooduk]

I think so.........

The Dutch have a saying - basically that the farmer (uneducated, inexperienced) will only eat what he's familiar with.

You sound like you've had no experience. You're becoming more comfortable with identifying yourself as gay and so far you're just too shy to give it a go.

There is no hurry - some people rush out and "embrace" the world (slutty) and others wait for Mr Right before they give themselves up. Have you seen the film "Slutty Summer"? It's quite sweet, despite its title and it gives an insight into how "different" gay men approach life.

Neither approach is wrong, just appropriate to different people.

What have you done about meeting people? And don't imagine that meeting people just means going to leather bars or whore-offs - the real world isn't like Southpark (well, not entirely, anyway).

[BudderMC]

Yeah, I'd pretty much say you're gay, with very little doubt (unless there's some earth-shattering information you're leaving out).

Originally Posted by Anonymous

Yet despite all this, I'm not sure I CAN be intimate with a guy. I mean, what we think about, and the reality of things are different, right?

Well, do you think you're more likely to be intimate with a girl?

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Ridiculous

I'm going to go ahead and say that yes, you are gay.

You like looking at guys and don't feel the same way for girls (finding something conventionally attractive isn't the same as being attracted), you enjoy gay porn but don't enjoy straight porn, you have fantasised and dreamed about guys but not girls, you don't want a girl to be in love with you and have only viewed them as friends. These are all clear indications of someone who is solely attracted to males - you certainly can't call yourself straight, and I don't think you can even call yourself bisexual to any degree.

Pretty much the entire post focused on how you find males much more attractive in every way.

I'm not sure what advice I can give though - other than to definitely not get into a relationship with a girl because you think you could pull it off. It wouldn't be fair to either of you.

SPEAKING OF LOOKING AT GUYS there was one dude that popped into where I work today that looked fairly good, and at some point he unbuttoned his shirt, where he had abs. ./////. I felt my stomach do turns, I felt unfocused, I kept making this weird, nervous, whining noise, and if I could've stared without being judged/noticed, I probably would've.

THEN there was another dude that came in, and... he was cute. And I was making the same weird, nervous, whining noise, and felt the same thing in my stomach, but I wanted to work harder, too. As much as I'm attracted to them, I can't see myself in a relationship with them. I'm not that good a looker... not to mention, I'm not sure if it's because I want to BE them, or want to BE WITH them. .__.

Originally Posted by Bobbgooduk

I think so.........

The Dutch have a saying - basically that the farmer (uneducated, inexperienced) will only eat what he's familiar with.

You sound like you've had no experience. You're becoming more comfortable with identifying yourself as gay and so far you're just too shy to give it a go.

There is no hurry - some people rush out and "embrace" the world (slutty) and others wait for Mr Right before they give themselves up. Have you seen the film "Slutty Summer"? It's quite sweet, despite its title and it gives an insight into how "different" gay men approach life.

Neither approach is wrong, just appropriate to different people.

What have you done about meeting people? And don't imagine that meeting people just means going to leather bars or whore-offs - the real world isn't like Southpark (well, not entirely, anyway).

Shy? ...Yep, that's definitely me. >_> I just feel awkward around strangers. Even more so around those two guys I mentioned, earlier. But, yeah... I have become more comfortable with being single ever since I started coming out. No rush. If I click with someone... well, I'll see where it takes me. .w. I DID crush on one guy, by the by. Of course, he was straight as can be, but something about him attracted me.

As for meeting people... not much. >_> I'm not too much of a bar-goer, straight or gay. Well, not that it would matter, anyway; there are no gay bars where I live. Small place. Even besides that, there's not much.

Originally Posted by BudderMC

Yeah, I'd pretty much say you're gay, with very little doubt (unless there's some earth-shattering information you're leaving out).

Well, do you think you're more likely to be intimate with a girl?

Earth-shattering information.... well, and that's the thing. There might have been moments like that in my past, but my mind could be refusing to remember/acknowledge them. There was ONE time I went on a 'date' with a girl, but it was so awkward; mostly because it was forced, I didn't really know her that well, and I don't think I wanted anything further to develop between us. As for being intimate with a girl... I... guess not. o.o Because if it were something I actively 'wanted'... then I'd enjoy it more when it happened, right? Hmm...

I think one of the issues bugging me, is that, even though I WANT so badly to be gay, there's no guarantee that I COULD be. Which is frustrating for me to figure out. Man, I wish this could be simpler... Having been kinda distant from people for most of my life, not even by my own choice, and being raised by only my parents, and learning from them and media (movies, shows, games, etc.) at such a young age, I got this idea that things had to be a certain way. My mind didn't really start thinking flexibly until.... I was maybe 17? Even then, I'm not sure. :/ So stumbling onto gay porn and the fact that two guys can fall in love was... different. Yet it attracted me so. I could never explain it... it just seems more... fulfilling, perhaps?

I just can't see myself being involved in a relationship with a guy. ./////. Even then, I still have that partial mind-set that things have to be a certain way. That's why I'm questioning so much, as well - because things that I'm going through don't seem to be normal, or aren't depicted in media that I see. Everyone else seems to have that moment where they finally realize they're gay, and I'm... still questioning it. I want to know - to understand my own feelings. ._____.