Torn on my relationship, running out of time

[Anonymous]

I've been with my boyfriend for around 9 months now. In about a week, I leave for college. He'll be staying here for his last year of high school. Before, I was completely sure that I wanted us to try long distance (I'll be about 4 hours away). I'm starting to have doubts, but I'm really split on the issue.

Part of me wants to be with him more than anything. All in all, when I try to think of things that are wrong with him, I can't. He's pretty much perfect for me. And along with that, he helped me deal with being gay, come out, and he's been my first for almost everything.

The other part of me just feels off. Something doesn't feel right, and I can't put my finger on it. We've both been really busy for the past few weeks, so we've only seen each other a few times. Normally, I would miss him. But lately I haven't been minding the separation as much. Does that mean I'm ready for long distance or that I'm starting to give up on the relationship?

Basically, we're having a talk tomorrow because he can tell something's up with me and wants to figure it out before I leave. The last thing I want to do is break up over nothing. But at the same time, when I'm worried my original feelings are fading, I'd feel wrong staying in the relationship. I want to be with him, but I just can't get myself to stop doubting it.

I'm just really confused, and I'd appreciate some advice. Ask me any questions if it helps with advice. I need to figure this out soon. Thanks in advance!

[Bobbgooduk]

Perhaps you're mentally preparing for the worst, anticipating a break-up because you realize the pressures of a long-distance relationship.

How successful a long-distance realtionship can be depends on how frequently it will be possible to see each other and offer each other undivided quality time.

My partner and I lived apart for 2 years, but we saw each other almost every weekend and called every night.

If you are 400 miles apart, that level of contact is unlikely to be possible AND there are so many things you should be experiencing when you go to college, things that you won't have the opportunity to experience again.

Is it likely that your bf will come to the same college next year? Is it something you would want?

[justinf]

I was about to go to bed, so I'll keep this short.

It sounds like this is (one of) the first relationship(s) you've been in, so I don't know if you thought about this, but I'll tell you just in case:

In the beginning of a relationship everything is still new, special, and exciting. You wanna be with each other all the time, and spending more than a couple of days apart seems like the end of the world. That's all part of a new relationship.

However, after a couple of months, things aren't new anymore, and a lot of the original excitement has vanished. It has nothing do with not loving each other anymore, or not wanting to be together anymore.. it's just that things have become less 'special' and more 'usual', and so the original excitement wears off. That is completely normal in any relationship.

You should figure out for yourself whether it's simply the excitement of a relatively new relationship wearing off, or if it's something more serious. If you ask me, though, it sounds like it's a relationship worth trying for. You have to think and ask yourself if you would really be happier without him. Unfortunately, only you can answer that question.

[Anonymous]

Thank you two so much! I think it might be a combination of what both of you are saying.

There's a possibility of him going to the same college as me (he's applying there, but to several other schools as well), but I don't want to push him as much as I'd want him there. I don't want him to pick a college just for me. And because of that it's basically going to be long distance for 5 years. That worries me, but I'm starting to feel like the least I can do is try it out since he is really important to me.

And even if that exciting beginning is fading, I still think I'm happier with him. It's just that case of it possibly being 5 years of long distance. Maybe if he went to the same college and it was one year, I would feel better, but I won't know that until as far as May.

Do you think it's possible to even try when it could be that long? We'd see each other probably only every month, though we've made plans to skype and call a lot. I guess I do want to be with him, but I'm just really worried about how long and how far the distance will be.

[justinf]

Yes, I absolutely do think such long distance relationships can work out.

I have a female friend here in Amsterdam who's in a relationship with a guy who lives in Newcastle. They see each other less than once a month (even though it's only like an hour flight, you don't just go fly to another country for a day and then fly back every single month, let alone being able to afford it!). But like you said, they skype and call a *lot*, and it works for them.

And keep in mind, yes maybe you'll only see each other once every month, but it won't always be just for a day. You/he can stay longer during vacations (Christmas!). It doesn't have to be just short visits. And then there's summer vacation.. you'll have months together

I'm not saying it won't be hard at times, but if you really love each other you'll get through it. If anything, it's worth the try.

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to let you guys know that we talked and it looks like everything is going to work out. Thank you two so much for the help! Long distance doesn't look as daunting now, and I definitely think we can get through it.

[Bobbgooduk]

It doesn't hurt to try - nothing ventured, nothing gained!

Good luck, both of you - be nice to each other.

[justinf]

That's great! I think you can get through it, too. All the best to you guys!