I went too far

[Anonymous]

Ok, so I met this guy, we went on one date and I blew him. I'm 24 and I found out, after he came in my mouth, that he's 42. I don't want to date a guy that is 18 years older than me. He and my dad are closer in age than we are. He's a nice guy, I just can't get past the age.

I should not have gave him oral on the first date but I was so desperate to get laid....... I fucked up big time.

What do I do? He said he's looking forward to seeing me soon and many more times.

[blightedsight]

You were somewhat foolish but you owe the guy nothing - tell him you're not interested.

[Robert]

If you really do not want to see him again, then dont! Simples.

But I dont get why age is such an issue.

[Bree]

Definitely been there-blew someone I shouldn't have, and had to deal with the consequences.

It's totally okay to tell him that you went farther than you are comfortable with, and don't want to be with someone that much older. It's totally okay to never see him again if that's what you want. Don't worry that because you did it once means you have to do it again- you owe him nothing, and if he tries to convince you otherwise, get the hell away from him!

If you have that unclean gross feeling, there's not much you can do. It fades in time, and blowing someone you do want can cancel it out.

[Romi]

I want to start off by saying that while I personally don't have a problem with age differences, I understand why many do, especially in the case of someone being that much older than you. Almost twice your age.

While it's true that you are in no way obligated to give this man anything else, to some extent you have become responsible for what you did. This is why I always like to stress the fact that you need to think before acting. I know it can sometimes be hard, particularly when your body has overwhelming needs that demand to be met. Still, you have to always try to remember to think first about the consequences of your actions.

You said this man is looking forward to seeing you again. I'm going to say that you should indeed go to see him again, but this time not in a sexual way. You should make it known to him beforehand that you would like to explain something to him. And when you tell him that you don't want to be involved with him, you need to be completely and one hundred percent honest about why. Remember, you don't want to sugarcoat it, but you still need to be sensitive as some people can be very self conscious about their age as they grow older. Age can be a source of overwhelming stress.

Take the time to think about if this man is someone you would or could be friends with if the friendship was purely platonic. If so, that would be something the two of you could discuss. If you simply want to cut him out of your life altogether then you need to be very clear about that as well. Again..tact.

I'm not advocating or condoning, but I hope this helps a bit. And good luck.

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Robert

But I dont get why age is such an issue.

Because we're seperated by almost two decades. We don't have much in common other than this initial spark... and I thought he was much younger. He looks 30, which I'm fine with 30. 42 is just too much for me, and he didn't tell me until much later.

But when he told me, we were cuddling in bed and I didn't want to hurt his feelings and I just needed somebody to hold me so bad.

I cried this morning. I don't want to hurt him. He was so nice.

[Filip]

The truth is usually the best method. Okay, that will hurt him, but it's definitely better than a wishy-washy excuse that might give him false hope.

So... it's probably going to be something like

"Hi. I did have fun last night, but I do feel I owe you some honesty: if I think about it after the spur of the moment has passed, I don't think I see any future in this. I just don't see any way in which the difference in age would ever work out.
For what it's worth: I think you're an awesome guy, so I do think you deserve better than someone who starts out without any faith that this could continue.
All the best,
[your name]"

Yes, it is essentially the old "it's not you, it's me", and "I'm trying to be as nice as possible, but I'm still dumping you", but I do think that if you're quick about it, it will only sting a little.

[Chip]

Hi.

First, I'd lay money that the guy either lied or deceived or otherwise implied he was younger than he is. Because had he not done so, you wouldn't have gone out with him in the first place.

So, assuming that's the case, you don't owe him anything, as he knew exactly what he was doing and essentially manipulated you to get what he wanted. You don't owe him a second date, an explanation, or anything else. If anything, he owes you an enormous apology for misleading you (whether directly or indirectly, by omission or commission.)

If you're feeling generous, you can do what Filip suggested, but, honestly, I don't have much sympathy for people like that because the only way they succeed in doing what they do is by deception.

Now... onto the bigger issue: If you're really so desperate to have sex, something is going on, and there's probably some self-esteem or shame (which are really the same thing) issue going on; otherwise, you wouldn't be jumping on the first thing that comes along. So this might be a really good time to do some self-reflection and explore your own feelings and issues. Ultimately, we have to love ourselves before we can love anyone else... and that's a very hard pill to swallow for people with low self esteem. But it's absolutely true.

If you try and shortcut that, you'll find that your relationships won't be healthy, and you'll end up either with someone else who's emotionally unhealthy, like this guy, or in a very unbalanced relationship.

The good news is, this is a very solvable problem, and simply by talking about what happened, you go a long way toward starting to work through the problem. Feel free to PM me or any of the rest of the advisor team if you'd like to talk more about this individually, or feel free to talk more about it in this or another thread.

[Orcas]

Hi there! I'm pretty much with Filip on this one. Given what happened, I think honesty is going to be the best way out of this. Don't beat yourself up about what happened. Take it as a learning experience.

Edit: I think Chip raises some good points, and it's definitely something to think about too.

[Lexington]

You tell him "Although I can't say as I had a bad time with you, I've decided I'm not interested in pursuing anything with you. I'm sorry." And then you cut contact.

Lex

[blightedsight]

Originally Posted by Chip

Hi.

First, I'd lay money that the guy either lied or deceived or otherwise implied he was younger than he is. Because had he not done so, you wouldn't have gone out with him in the first place.

So, assuming that's the case, you don't owe him anything, as he knew exactly what he was doing and essentially manipulated you to get what he wanted.

I'm sorry, but what evidence do you have to turn this guy from a random hook up into a predator, manipulating some poor young man into his bed?

The OP clearly states that the age thing came up after they had met, after the sex act had taken place, so why have you taken it on yourself to make this guy out to be some deviant?

[thylvin]

I agree with what Chip said. You don't owe him anything. Besides it's wrong to deceive and lie to people. Besides if he could do that to you on the first day, what else will he do to you.

Ignore the guy, delete any connection you might have with him online and off. Who's to say this guy doesn't have a std. If i were you i would go to get tested just in case, to play it safe. you don't know how many times he has done the same thing to others, or how many times he has slept around. Please don't telll me he told you that he doesn't sleep around, and then i will tell you straight to your face that he lied to you.

Even if he were the right age and i were in your shoes, i would still cut all ties with the guy.

[Anonymous]

OP:

I feel so dumb. Like, maybe I do have low self esteem but it wasn't like I went into it thinking "I'm getting some dick tonight!"

We had a lovely dinner and a walk and we sat and talked and he was so charming. We watched a movie and we sat on opposite sides of the couch and I asked "do you mind if I come over there?"

I snuggled up on his side and he put his hand on my chest and stroked my chest. I felt so content. He kissed the side of my head and I kissed his hand and out lips eventually met and that's when it clicked sexually. I wanted him then.

I guess he should have told me how old he was during the day we spent together instead of making me guess his age after he was holding me after sex.

I feel grotesque. It feels really awful.

[Orcas]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

OP:

I feel so dumb. Like, maybe I do have low self esteem but it wasn't like I went into it thinking "I'm getting some dick tonight!"

We had a lovely dinner and a walk and we sat and talked and he was so charming. We watched a movie and we sat on opposite sides of the couch and I asked "do you mind if I come over there?"

I snuggled up on his side and he put his hand on my chest and stroked my chest. I felt so content. He kissed the side of my head and I kissed his hand and out lips eventually met and that's when it clicked sexually. I wanted him then.

I guess he should have told me how old he was during the day we spent together instead of making me guess his age after he was holding me after sex.

I feel grotesque. It feels really awful.

Hi there! Don't beat yourself up about, and there is no reason for you to feel dumb.

Someone who considers the age gap and will also make sure that the other person is entirely comfortable with the date, would at least reveal his age.

If I were to date someone who is in his early 20s to mid-20s for example, I would totally reveal my age to him, if it hasn't been revealed before thus ensuring that the other person is comfortable with the age gap.

Sure, there was some interest from you too, and you wanted things to happen, which is all fine. But I think to be fair to you, he should have mentioned to you his age before putting his hand on your chest.

[Chip]

Originally Posted by blightedsight

I'm sorry, but what evidence do you have to turn this guy from a random hook up into a predator, manipulating some poor young man into his bed?

The OP clearly states that the age thing came up after they had met, after the sex act had taken place, so why have you taken it on yourself to make this guy out to be some deviant?

Because, unfortunately, an overwhelming number of older/younger interactions turn out exactly this way. I'd say that of the several hundred teen/young adult males I've talked to over the years and discussed their interactions with older men, probably greater than 90% of them involved some form of deception/manipulation/grooming.

I wish it weren't true, but it is.

[Chip]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

I feel grotesque. It feels really awful.

I agree with Mirko. These things happen, and you didn't have enough experience to consider it as a possibility, so you really can't and shouldn't beat up on yourself. And, ultimately, you made one decision you regret. All of us have made ill-advised choices from time to time, and unfortunately, that's often how we learn. I've been there, too.

But in the grand scale of things, it really isn't anything to feel dumb or dirty over. It is what it is... the guy was less than honest with you by not letting you know up front. Next time, you'll be alert and will ask those sorts of questions.

It always hurts when you share a part of yourself in an intimate way and then end up feeling taken advantage of or violated. But I do think it's an opportunity to reflect on yourself and your own feelings and insecurities and take the opportunity to work on them. So in the end, it can end up being a catalyst for growth, with very little downside.

[justinf]

Originally Posted by blightedsight

I'm sorry, but what evidence do you have to turn this guy from a random hook up into a predator, manipulating some poor young man into his bed?

The OP clearly states that the age thing came up after they had met, after the sex act had taken place, so why have you taken it on yourself to make this guy out to be some deviant?

Even if he wasn't actively deceiving him, he should've told OP his age. If the age difference is this big, and you being the older guy know that, you have to tell the younger person involved. No, he didn't actively lie, but not saying anything is a form of lying too. I'm sure the age would've come up in a usual sort of date, but with this guy it didn't. He chose to leave that information out, because he knew what the consequences would be (probably not in his favor). He knew exactly what he was doing by not mentioning his age.

That's the way I see it, at least.

Also, to the OP, don't feel dumb. He is the one that set you up, you can't blame yourself.

[blightedsight]

I had another post in mind, but have decided against posting that.
Instead I will merely reiterate the comment made at the start "I'm 24".

Thank you and good night.

[Lexington]

The thing is - I don't get much sense that he was deceiving you. No, he didn't tell you his age. But then again, he probably didn't tell you his dick size before you unzipped him, either. And I'm assuming he did that for the same reason - he assumed it wasn't an issue. Some guys won't go to bed with guys who are X years older than they are. And some guys won't go to bed with guys with dicks smaller than Y inches. But if you're one of those guys (in either camp), the onus is going to be on you to find out. And if a guy gets evasive when you ask, you should just assume that means he doesn't fit your qualifications.

Lex

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Lexington

The thing is - I don't get much sense that he was deceiving you. No, he didn't tell you his age. But then again, he probably didn't tell you his dick size before you unzipped him, either. And I'm assuming he did that for the same reason - he assumed it wasn't an issue. Some guys won't go to bed with guys who are X years older than they are. And some guys won't go to bed with guys with dicks smaller than Y inches. But if you're one of those guys (in either camp), the onus is going to be on you to find out. And if a guy gets evasive when you ask, you should just assume that means he doesn't fit your qualifications.

Lex

I agree.