Questioning but I don't want anyone to know

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure about my sexuality at all. I've had doubts for a few years but it's only in the last few months that I've let myself really think about it and try to figure it out. In one way I'm glad that I'm finally thinking about it, but at times it has made me unbelievably depressed, I'm not really that comfortable confronting it.
Next year at college, I'll be living with some friends, including a gay couple. The topic of sexuality is very likely to come up. The way I feel right now, I don't want ANYONE to know. And yes, of course the gay guys would be accepting, but for one thing, I wouldn't really want them to know how upset and ashamed the idea of my possibly not being straight makes me, especially when I'm not really sure; I still might be straight. I don't want them to think that that means that I have a problem with them too.
If I get asked, then I don't know how to deal with that. I think the only reason I haven't given anything away before is that I was just completely disconnected from my sexuality. I'm a terrible liar and now that I've actually consciously thought that I mightn't be straight, I'm scared I'll give it away.

[malachite]

I felt the same way when I was ready to start dealing with my sexuality, and I’m sure plenty of other people here felt that way too. It’s hard to start looking at a part of yourself differently. You’ve lived the lie for so long that THAT has become a part of you. But, your sexuality isn’t the thing that defines you it is only a part of who you are. If the world had a kinder view on gays then this wouldn’t be such a big deal. I can tell you that you have to come to terms with this before you’ll be able to start letting other into the circle.

[Lexington]

A few thoughts.

* Few people ask about one's sexuality outright. "So, are you straight or gay?" They might ask if you have a girlfriend, perhaps, but that's easy enough to deflect.

* There's nothing wrong with not discussing your sexuality if you'd rather not.

* Most gay people I know wouldn't be offended by somebody who is still "working it all out" - all of us were, at one point. If you get to know the gay couple, you might consider taking them into your confidence if you feel you can share things with them. But don't feel the need to rush into that.

* Just keep working on coming out to the most important person first - you.

Lex

[Gravity]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

I'm not sure about my sexuality at all. I've had doubts for a few years but it's only in the last few months that I've let myself really think about it and try to figure it out. In one way I'm glad that I'm finally thinking about it, but at times it has made me unbelievably depressed, I'm not really that comfortable confronting it.
Next year at college, I'll be living with some friends, including a gay couple. The topic of sexuality is very likely to come up. The way I feel right now, I don't want ANYONE to know. And yes, of course the gay guys would be accepting, but for one thing, I wouldn't really want them to know how upset and ashamed the idea of my possibly not being straight makes me, especially when I'm not really sure; I still might be straight. I don't want them to think that that means that I have a problem with them too.
If I get asked, then I don't know how to deal with that. I think the only reason I haven't given anything away before is that I was just completely disconnected from my sexuality. I'm a terrible liar and now that I've actually consciously thought that I mightn't be straight, I'm scared I'll give it away.

First of all, you're certainly under no obligations to come out to someone, whether you live with them or not, and whether they're gay or not. It's a personal choice that nobody can determine for you. I can't speak for them, of course, but chances are the gay couple won't ask about your sexuality - they may understand that it's a pretty prying question, and one that you can't really not answer.

If you did talk to them, though, they might not be as put off as you think. It's possible they went through a similar experience of questioning, shame, etc., and wouldn't take it personally at all. I know I've been approached by people in similar circumstances before, sometimes along with my partner, and I never took it as a personal attack. Again, I can't speak for them, though - do you have any reason to believe that they would react one way or another?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I know I have to come out to myself before I bother about other people. And at this rate that could take years.I know I'm not obliged to tell anyone, I'm mainly worried that I'm so transparent that I'll out myself without meaning to.

Few people ask about one's sexuality outright.

I already know that the other two people I'll be living with confronted their last housemate about whether he was gay. I've been asked outright about my sexuality a few times before too; and once confronted by someone who was practically a stranger, and repeatedly asked about my sexuality in front of my friends. I suppose what I'm asking is- what do I say if people ask and I don't want to tell? How can I react in a way that I don't make it painfully obvious that the question makes me really uncomfortable?

do you have any reason to believe that they would react one way or another?

No not really. They just both seem really comfortable in themselves. I get the feeling that they've been out for ages, and that maybe they weren't able to hide it at school. They're also both involved in the LGBT club, and I think that one of them did some activist work at one stage. I can't see someone who is that out and that secure in their identity getting that I really do not want to be out or that I'm really having problems with this. I suppose that they also seem brave to be, and I'd feel really ashamed to let them know how scared I am. (for crying out loud, even revealing so much on this anonymous thread is unnerving me).

[Gravity]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

I already know that the other two people I'll be living with confronted their last housemate about whether he was gay. I've been asked outright about my sexuality a few times before too; and once confronted by someone who was practically a stranger, and repeatedly asked about my sexuality in front of my friends. I suppose what I'm asking is- what do I say if people ask and I don't want to tell? How can I react in a way that I don't make it painfully obvious that the question makes me really uncomfortable?

Tough one - personally, I feel like dodging the question in any way other than denying it is basically saying "yes," to some degree. But that's just me, and I don't know your housemates. If you know this might be an issue, you could try to come up with a game plan ahead of time - how do you think they're likely to ask? What are some things you might say in response?

Originally Posted by Anonymous

No not really. They just both seem really comfortable in themselves. I get the feeling that they've been out for ages, and that maybe they weren't able to hide it at school. They're also both involved in the LGBT club, and I think that one of them did some activist work at one stage. I can't see someone who is that out and that secure in their identity getting that I really do not want to be out or that I'm really having problems with this. I suppose that they also seem brave to be, and I'd feel really ashamed to let them know how scared I am. (for crying out loud, even revealing so much on this anonymous thread is unnerving me).

Actually, the exact opposite may be true. If they're secure in their own identity, they won't need you to come out to make themselves feel any better or more associated with other gay people. Their eyes may be opened to people in exactly your circumstance, and you might find a lot of empathy from them. And if they seem brave on the outside, well - how do you seem to people on the outside? Does it always match the way you feel to yourself? They could be the perfect people to talk to about this.

And again, don't worry - the overriding theme here is that you don't have to reveal anything you don't want to. There's no reason you can't be in control over how out you are, how out you want to be, or what you tell your housemates. Give it time, and see what life is like with all of them.