Can I be gay and yet still be sexually attracted to certain things about women?

[Anonymous]

I can't stop thinking about this. I understand my attraction to guys. The vast majority of my sexual fantasies involve guys and I can easily get myself worked up by thinking about those fantasies.

But I can get turned on by women sometimes too. Its more fleeting, but sometimes dicks and men seem so unappealing to me, and my mind turns to the curves and the softness that I naturally associate women with. I almost always need something visual to play out this attraction to females, but play it out I can, like everytime as long as I am in that mood. Its not like I am forcing myself to do this, sometimes I just feel like "ugh men, I don't need to see/think about that right now, I would rather pursue something completely different (the softness and curviness of women)".

Can most gay guys get off to women with a little friction and visual stimulation?

I identify as gay and have come out to a lot of people as gay, but theres always this thought like "why am I telling people that I am gay when i jack off to girls sometimes? (much less than guys, but still obviously present and not looking to be a phase kind of thing)".

I am such a failure with romantic relationships that I have virtually no experience with either gender, so that doesn't help.

[Gravity]

First of all, if it's porn we're talking about here, I wouldn't worry too much. There's a huge variety of porn, and a huge variety of tastes that people have in it, much of which crosses gender/sexuality expectations. I know gay people that like to watch hetero porn, hetero people that like to watch gay porn, and so on.

If, on the other hand, you do feel a genuine attraction to women, then that's okay too - there's nothing wrong with some type of bisexuality, or something other than a 6 on the Kinsey scale.

Not having a lot of experience in relationships can make the issue extra confusing, but sometimes people get confused by being in relationships too. Ultimately, be honest with yourself and the feelings you're having. There is such a thing as a gay (or bisexual) virgin, too.

[PurpleCrab]

Oh, what is so bad about the idea of maybe being a little bit bisexual too?

If that's the case you may feel very relieved to accept it!

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Gravity

First of all, if it's porn we're talking about here, I wouldn't worry too much. There's a huge variety of porn, and a huge variety of tastes that people have in it, much of which crosses gender/sexuality expectations. I know gay people that like to watch hetero porn, hetero people that like to watch gay porn, and so on.

If, on the other hand, you do feel a genuine attraction to women, then that's okay too - there's nothing wrong with some type of bisexuality, or something other than a 6 on the Kinsey scale.

Not having a lot of experience in relationships can make the issue extra confusing, but sometimes people get confused by being in relationships too. Ultimately, be honest with yourself and the feelings you're having. There is such a thing as a gay (or bisexual) virgin, too.

Well just to clear things up a little. This isn't one of those "I watch hetero porn but stare at the guy the whole time" situations, I can do that too but its not what I am talking about. When I get off to women its with women only.

I guess I feel a little bit dishonest when I tell people I am gay because there are some other attractions swirling around that aren't all that gay, but at the same time they aren't significant enough to call myself bisexual.

I have this idea in my head that if I embrace being gay I will lose any chance to sleep with a girl and see what thats like. If I decide to include any bisexuality into my identity I wouldn't be able to connect with the average gay guy as well. Its hard to be honest with what I want in real life, meeting real people because I never feel excited or think about people I meet in a sexual sense. Its like I never consider sleeping with someone a possibility. I know for a fact that the only way I will lose my virginity is if someone leads me by the hand into it, cause otherwise I will never make a move (I never feel like I want to make a move, I never feel like I want to rip someones clothes off or anything intense like that).

But w/e another school year is starting soon, hopefully things will change.

[Chip]

Labels are for clothes

Kinsey said that only about 10% of the population is actually completely gay or completely straight. So sexual orientation isn't binary or even trinary.

But most people choose a trinary label that most closely matches where they are. So for you, "gay" sounds like it's a pretty good match.

So there are straight guys that have a fling with another guy but don't stick with it, and gay guys that have the same with a girl. And people that are equally attracted to both.

The other thing that complicates matters is that, for those of us who are gay (or mostly gay), it is not at all uncommon that as we get closer to fully accepting ourselves and acknowledging we're gay, that little part of us that is still desperately clinging to the hope we can have a "normal" life says "But what if...." and sows seeds of doubt. And most of the time, in the absence of solid indicators of opposite-sex attraction, that's all it is.

I wouldn't sweat it. It doesn't sound like you've been busting down doors to find women to sleep with, and that your interest lies mostly with guys. So go with that. Nobody's going to bust your chops if somewhere down the road, you find some girl really hot and decide to go out with her. But it sounds to me like you've got a pretty clear idea of where you are, and all you need is to reassure yourself that you still can call yourself gay *and* leave yourself the option to, if the fancy strikes you, go out with a girl.

[cscipio]

I'm not the OP but I'd like to thank Chip for his response all the same as I have similar struggles as the OP and have accepted being gay but still struggle with the label in regard to it limiting me by definition.

I think that is the best way I've seen sexual fluidity stated so far, thanks Chip.

[malachite]

I've had this same issue.

it was kind confusing for a while until someone told me: "Why does it matter?"

he was right. Just because we're gay doesn't mean we can't appreciate the opposite sex's features.

[Spatula]

The vast majority of my sexual fantasies involve guys and I can easily get myself worked up by thinking about those fantasies.

Depends what you mean by "vast majority". If you mean 95% of the time, then you're gay. If you mean 70% of the time, then yes you'll eventually start find the gay label very confining.

"ugh men, I don't need to see/think about that right now, I would rather pursue something completely different (the softness and curviness of women)"

Sexually? Think very carefully about what it is you want here and why you want it. Also, how often does this happen?

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Spatula

Depends what you mean by "vast majority". If you mean 95% of the time, then you're gay. If you mean 70% of the time, then yes you'll eventually start find the gay label very confining.

Sexually? Think very carefully about what it is you want here and why you want it. Also, how often does this happen?

Well, without any visual stimulation I almost always think about guys (much older domineering guy every single time, can that really be healthy?) because it gets me off faster. Like 99 percent (unless I have some specific imagery in my head).

As for the second part. Yes, like sometimes I will try to watch gay porn and I after a few mintues I will decide that nothing I see is interesting. Its all muscles, hair, men, roughness and i am not in the mood for that. I don't know its not really a conscious choice. I have been watching lesbian porn a lot longer than gay porn (girl/girl wasn't as taboo to me when I first started watching stuff). Its really hot to me and sometimes I prefer it to gay stuff, I probably watch some at least once a week.

One thing to stress is that I have never been turned on by the thought I myself penetrating a vagina, so a lot of this is mute because that is what most straight/bi girls like lol.

At this point I would say that 70 percent of the porn I watch is trans... so ya, that confuses things as well. If I could choose one fantasy to fulfill, ideal guy or ideal Tgirl I would choose the second one without much thought.

I guess I am interested in meeting someone shares these feelings because even on the internet I feel like I am alone in them. I feel like I am extremely different from the vast majority (almost all?) gay guys.

[Anonymous]

Well , I'm sure being Gay means Having Sexual and Emotional attractions to a Male. Soo
Do you have both of those things for a Women or just one?... 'Cause then you might be Bisexual. But , who cares ?? Labels are soo stupid

[alwayshope11]

Of course you can!

[Ianthe]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

Well, without any visual stimulation I almost always think about guys (much older domineering guy every single time, can that really be healthy?) because it gets me off faster. Like 99 percent (unless I have some specific imagery in my head).

As for the second part. Yes, like sometimes I will try to watch gay porn and I after a few mintues I will decide that nothing I see is interesting. Its all muscles, hair, men, roughness and i am not in the mood for that. I don't know its not really a conscious choice. I have been watching lesbian porn a lot longer than gay porn (girl/girl wasn't as taboo to me when I first started watching stuff). Its really hot to me and sometimes I prefer it to gay stuff, I probably watch some at least once a week.

One thing to stress is that I have never been turned on by the thought I myself penetrating a vagina, so a lot of this is mute because that is what most straight/bi girls like lol.

At this point I would say that 70 percent of the porn I watch is trans... so ya, that confuses things as well. If I could choose one fantasy to fulfill, ideal guy or ideal Tgirl I would choose the second one without much thought.

I guess I am interested in meeting someone shares these feelings because even on the internet I feel like I am alone in them. I feel like I am extremely different from the vast majority (almost all?) gay guys.

I'm going to reiterate that you shouldn't really go based on porn. People's tastes in porn often has nothing to do with anything they would like in real life.

Regarding the older, domineering man fantasy--if this is just a sexual fantasy, it's probably just about being dominated. A lot of people like being dominated sexually to some degree, and it's nothing to worry about.

However, if you find that you are always only attracted to older men as partners in real life, that could be unhealthy. It could mean that you are looking for someone to be a sort of parental figure instead of an equal partner. But that's if it's what you are looking for in a relationship, not really just in a sexual fantasy.

I feel very strongly that there is nothing wrong with being a trans person, and there is also nothing wrong with being attracted to trans people. It might be helpful to think about what it really is you are attracted to, however.

I am attracted to very masculine presenting women, so I'm wondering if you are similarly attracted to very feminine presenting men. Check out this guy, (I'm totally stealing the link from Aldrick):

+ YouTube Video

Do you think he's sexy? I picked him because he is engaged in some really feminine gender presentation without quite presenting as female--he's not trying to pass as a woman. (I'd a million dollars I don't have that he has the Bathroom Problem, though.)

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Ianthe

I'm going to reiterate that you shouldn't really go based on porn. People's tastes in porn often has nothing to do with anything they would like in real life.

Regarding the older, domineering man fantasy--if this is just a sexual fantasy, it's probably just about being dominated. A lot of people like being dominated sexually to some degree, and it's nothing to worry about.

However, if you find that you are always only attracted to older men as partners in real life, that could be unhealthy. It could mean that you are looking for someone to be a sort of parental figure instead of an equal partner. But that's if it's what you are looking for in a relationship, not really just in a sexual fantasy.

I feel very strongly that there is nothing wrong with being a trans person, and there is also nothing wrong with being attracted to trans people. It might be helpful to think about what it really is you are attracted to, however.

I am attracted to very masculine presenting women, so I'm wondering if you are similarly attracted to very feminine presenting men. Check out this guy, (I'm totally stealing the link from Aldrick):Youtube Video Do you think he's sexy? I picked him because he is engaged in some really feminine gender presentation without quite presenting as female--he's not trying to pass as a woman. (I'd a million dollars I don't have that he has the Bathroom Problem, though.)

OP:

First of all, about the older guy thing, its a pretty big thing, but I don't lack a father figure or anything like that, though I certainly have a few self-esteem issues. I virtually never think of 20 somethings (my age) when I fantasize. I am surrounded by stereotypical "hot" college guys all the time that don't really do anything for me, but next year I am going to try to get some sexual experience so maybe I will like what I find in reality.

Second of all, about the trans attraction. I can't get the link to work but to some up my attraction, I like girls who have a cock not guys who look like girls. I am not attracted to androgynous types or guys who have a very feminine representation, in fact they are about the lowest on the list of attractions, I never fantasize about or look for stuff involving that. Sometimes I watch crossdresserish stuff online but only for the domination aspect, like I am attracted to the other guy not the crossdresser. I am straight up attracted to people who I think of as girls, that have male parts. Everything about them is female except for whats between their legs and possibly certain masculine characteristics like how they tend to be taller than the average women, more broad shouldered ect. For specifically how I think about them sexually, sometimes its a domination thing, other times I get turned on more from her perspective of having sex, and other times I just want to look at hot bodies. Right now this feels like the only sexual situation that I would enjoy playing a more aggresive role rather than the passive way I usually think of myself. I intend to explore this latter in life but it doesn't make sense for me to pursue it right now.

[Spatula]

Originally Posted by Ianthe

I'm going to reiterate that you shouldn't really go based on porn. People's tastes in porn often has nothing to do with anything they would like in real life.

I will agree that porn doesn't exactly correspond, but I will disagree that it says nothing about the person. There can be a discrepancy between someone's porn and their real-life interests, especially if their porn is based around something impossible to replicate in real life. On the other hand, porn does have at least something to do with what they would like in real life. If it were a guy in a straight relationship worried that he only watches gay porn, everyone here would be telling him to spend some time really thinking about his priorities in life.

The difference between liking something in porn and wanting to try it in real life is that porn is safe. Porn doesn't judge you; it doesn't force you to expose yourself. In real life, you have to go through an emotional roller-coaster to get the same psychological reward that you could get much more easily from porn. So I do think there are people who silently maintain private fantasies that they feel the cost/benefit ratio of pursuing in real life is not quite worth it. That doesn't make those fantasies any less real or less a part of them.

However, according to the OP, his fantasies involve men 99% of the time. So if he is only breaking out the lesbian porn once in a blue moon, that means very little. Hell, lesbian porn is often better-produced, and it usually has super-fit models that even gay guys could go for in it. So that carries little weight, I think. But if he thought about the hot lady-love say, 30% of the time, then there would be an issue.

It seems like he has a bit of a crossdressing/transvestic fetish. No biggie. Plenty of guys are into that. Usually not fully gay guys, but it can happen.

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Spatula

I will agree that porn doesn't exactly correspond, but I will disagree that it says nothing about the person. There can be a discrepancy between someone's porn and their real-life interests, especially if their porn is based around something impossible to replicate in real life. On the other hand, porn does have at least something to do with what they would like in real life. If it were a guy in a straight relationship worried that he only watches gay porn, everyone here would be telling him to spend some time really thinking about his priorities in life.

The difference between liking something in porn and wanting to try it in real life is that porn is safe. Porn doesn't judge you; it doesn't force you to expose yourself. In real life, you have to go through an emotional roller-coaster to get the same psychological reward that you could get much more easily from porn. So I do think there are people who silently maintain private fantasies that they feel the cost/benefit ratio of pursuing in real life is not quite worth it. That doesn't make those fantasies any less real or less a part of them.

However, according to the OP, his fantasies involve men 99% of the time. So if he is only breaking out the lesbian porn once in a blue moon, that means very little. Hell, lesbian porn is often better-produced, and it usually has super-fit models that even gay guys could go for in it. So that carries little weight, I think. But if he thought about the hot lady-love say, 30% of the time, then there would be an issue.

It seems like he has a bit of a crossdressing/transvestic fetish. No biggie. Plenty of guys are into that. Usually not fully gay guys, but it can happen.

OP:
Thank you for your response. I would like to add that when I say fantasies I mean no porn involved. But I use porn at least 90 percent of the time when I am looking for satisfaction. For some reason I can't fantasize about things that I often like to view online, possibly because in my mind I can't make it seem like its a situation that could actually occur in real life. I don't think I am bisexual, I could never have a long term relationship with a girl. I am only anxious about the fact that my sexual tendencies are not very normal, in both the gay and straight world.

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

OP:

First of all, about the older guy thing, its a pretty big thing, but I don't lack a father figure or anything like that, though I certainly have a few self-esteem issues. I virtually never think of 20 somethings (my age) when I fantasize. I am surrounded by stereotypical "hot" college guys all the time that don't really do anything for me, but next year I am going to try to get some sexual experience so maybe I will like what I find in reality.

Second of all, about the trans attraction. I can't get the link to work but to some up my attraction, I like girls who have a cock not guys who look like girls. I am not attracted to androgynous types or guys who have a very feminine representation, in fact they are about the lowest on the list of attractions, I never fantasize about or look for stuff involving that. Sometimes I watch crossdresserish stuff online but only for the domination aspect, like I am attracted to the other guy not the crossdresser. I am straight up attracted to people who I think of as girls, that have male parts. Everything about them is female except for whats between their legs and possibly certain masculine characteristics like how they tend to be taller than the average women, more broad shouldered ect. For specifically how I think about them sexually, sometimes its a domination thing, other times I get turned on more from her perspective of having sex, and other times I just want to look at hot bodies. Right now this feels like the only sexual situation that I would enjoy playing a more aggresive role rather than the passive way I usually think of myself. I intend to explore this latter in life but it doesn't make sense for me to pursue it right now.

I fixed the the YouTube thing, so it should work now. The tall and broad-shouldered thing--those really are male features. Feminine doesn't necessarily have to mean female.

[Ianthe]

^^First of all, that was me.

Originally Posted by Spatula

I will agree that porn doesn't exactly correspond, but I will disagree that it says nothing about the person. There can be a discrepancy between someone's porn and their real-life interests, especially if their porn is based around something impossible to replicate in real life. On the other hand, porn does have at least something to do with what they would like in real life. If it were a guy in a straight relationship worried that he only watches gay porn, everyone here would be telling him to spend some time really thinking about his priorities in life.

The difference between liking something in porn and wanting to try it in real life is that porn is safe. Porn doesn't judge you; it doesn't force you to expose yourself. In real life, you have to go through an emotional roller-coaster to get the same psychological reward that you could get much more easily from porn. So I do think there are people who silently maintain private fantasies that they feel the cost/benefit ratio of pursuing in real life is not quite worth it. That doesn't make those fantasies any less real or less a part of them.

However, according to the OP, his fantasies involve men 99% of the time. So if he is only breaking out the lesbian porn once in a blue moon, that means very little. Hell, lesbian porn is often better-produced, and it usually has super-fit models that even gay guys could go for in it. So that carries little weight, I think. But if he thought about the hot lady-love say, 30% of the time, then there would be an issue.

It seems like he has a bit of a crossdressing/transvestic fetish. No biggie. Plenty of guys are into that. Usually not fully gay guys, but it can happen.

I know too many lesbians who like gay male porn, who would never in a million years want to sleep with men, to concede what you are saying about porn.

Regarding his "crossdressing/transvestic fetish": I like really masculine women, and it does not make me less gay (I also do not regard it as a fetish). Liking men who wear dresses or makeup or whatever, likewise doesn't make a man less gay. If male physical features are an essential part of the attraction, it does not qualify as heterosexual attraction, no matter how femme the presentation is.

[Spatula]

Originally Posted by Ianthe

I know too many lesbians who like gay male porn, who would never in a million years want to sleep with men, to concede what you are saying about porn.

Yes, I am aware of this phenomenon. Can't say I understand it, but some of the best yaoi artists are lesbians, for one reason or another.

[Anonymous]

OP:

Ok, I totally just hooked up with this way older guy (30+ years older) that I thought I would like because he was the type that I usually fantasize about. But it was TERRIBLE. It wasn't his fault, he was a nice guy, went at my pace ect, tried to make me feel comfortable. But I didn't even get turned on at all even though this was in my mind suposedly what I wanted. Maybe it was just that I was vey nervous. Anyway I am actually really relieved about this. I guess confronting this fetish and realizing that it sucked has opened my eyes a little and kind of shifted my attraction back to guys my age. I feel like i got the daddy thing out of my system and now I can focus on pursuing a real relationship.