questioning

[Anonymous]

Hello!
well, i'm having some difficulties figuring all this out, meaning what I feel and what I dont feel. Now, i'm a women in my late teens. Let me explain my situation:

I remember, back when i was 12, being curious about what a guy looks like naked. So, i sought out some explicit material on the internet and i got intensly turned on - but not by the men, by the women. I subsequently buried that memory for the next 4 years. Even so, i had troubling experiences that haunted me, lurking below the surface, where i had buried them as well: wanting to kiss my female friends, enjoying hugging and such a little too much, being stunned by some women's beauty, having crushes on them, become jealous when their boyfriends touched them, always watching the girl in movies, ect, ect. These things kept growing behind my subconscious... until one day, a couple months ago, i once again stumbled upon some explicit material of women at the bottom of a webpage. Once again, i was so overcome with arousal that the room felt like it was shaking. Very intense... since then, its calmed considerably. First it was physical, then came the barrage of romantic daydreams - snuggling, holding hands, even marriage, ect. This, too, calmed down. These feelings are a rarity now. It has gotten difficult to become aroused by erotic images/porn/daydreams and it has even gotten difficult to imagine falling in love with a woman... this leads me to question whether i am truly attracted to women or whether is was just curiosity or a phase.

Now, men. My experience with them has been confusing. I've had a few crushes - one when i was in early elementry school (i think it might have been around 2nd grade) and one when i was in early high school. The latter i dated for two weeks. The crush was very strong, but when i kissed him i didn't feel much and later when i had arrived home... i remember i still had the taste of him in my mouth....i tried to enjoy it, but i ended up spitting in the sink, embarrassingly. Other than that, i remember noticing how i never went "boy-crazy" like my friends. I was never very interested in boys, which bothered me immensley, but not enough to actually try to be. Although i was very focused on school and such and didn't have time for a boyfriend anyway. As for my history with men during masturbation... (sorry if this is too explicit) sometimes i can get off to them. On occassion, i have actually had some pretty powerful orgasms. Other times, though, i feel dissatisfied and have weak ones. I can't really imagine getting married to a guy or having kids, ect. But still, during the olympics, i could appreciate their bodies, but i'm not sure if that appreciation lies in a sexual manner or aesthetic. i dont know if this matters, but i have a history of being nervous around them as well.

I think i've said everything i can think of... i apologize if its a little long.

So, what do you think?

[WALK2222]

Hi there, and welcome to EC.
So we all here have gone through the questioning stage, whether we turned out gay, bi, straight, etc. We all questioned one time or another. So I understand that you have in the past had a great attraction towards girls. This is most likely not hormones seeing as how extreme it was. But I understand what you are talking about. When I was about 12 I had my first girlfriend and kiss but never felt anything with here. Not even when we kissed, it just felt awkward to me. I just felt as though we could be great friends rather than having a relationship such as that. Eventually when I became a sexually active teenager. I realized that there must have been a reason I wasn't attracted to girls. When I was in school, many of the kids had been commenting on how hot some girl looked, and how they would 'totally bang' her. I awkwardly laughed and went along with the conversation, secretly disgusted by what they were saying. One day I was really 'excited' (you can probably guess) and I looked up explicit, images and videos on the internet of girls. I tried and eventually got off on it, but never really enjoyed it. Now here is the moment that I realized I may not have been straight. I was at a party with my brother's girlfriend. And her cousin was there. Her cousin was obviously gay, but not out at all. He was beautiful, indescribably wonderful. I was getting this new feeling I had never experienced before, it was my first crush. It was a totally new experience for me, amazing. After months after that I slowly discovered who I was, and eventually came out to my family. It was a long process. And I could not find out over a couple of days. Although what made me finally realize was EC (EmptyClosets). I highly suggest registering, as it is 100% worth it. You will love it here.

Anyway sorry for the long story. Have you ever considered yourself Bisexual? It is very well possible. Just make sure to sit back and think about how you feel. I know that many have probably told you this, but just think for a little while, about how you are, how you feel about certain people. Good luck, and you can post on my wall anytime for advice