Is it possible I could be convincing myself I'm gay?

[Anonymous]

Hey, there. I'm a 19 year old guy, who has come out to many of his close friends as gay, or at least not straight, mostly because I have a long history, over 5 years, of watching gay porn and fantasizing about guys, starting off as non-sexual fantasizes, before progressing into sexual. I've had dreams about sexual encounters with guys, mostly my friends. I've never been able to fantasize about my female friends in a sexual manner, and trying to watch straight or lesbian porn felt really awkward for me.

Recently, though, I've begun to wonder if I'm just convincing myself that I'm gay. I've read some gay erotica and the like, including romantic, and it just seemed so amazingly appealing. Might be just the way it was written, but picturing the intimacy in my head between two guys just seems... passionate and deep, really.

There was a time I crushed on a girl, but only in the emotional sense, and the feelings weren't really returned. Whether part of me was desperate to ignore the fact that I could be gay, or I actually felt something for her, it's hard to say. But I never actually wanted to get involved in a relationship with her. Back then, I didn't realize what being in a relationship would actually mean. Now, it's hard to see it as being appealing, but my fantasizes and the reality of things seem to be two different things.

Which brings me to my point; what if I'm just convincing myself I'm gay, using those pieces of evidence as such, to bring me to the conclusion that I'm gay? Granted, I can't say what my feelings would be for that girl now, and I don't particularly desire to be in a relationship with a girl, and the female anatomy doesn't do much for me south of the border, but being in a relationship with a guy seems like it would be awkward. Thinking of kissing a guy, or cuddling with a guy, or... anything intimate with a guy just makes me get excited, yet really... nervous? Unsure? Doubtful? Guarded? Something along those lines. Hopefully you get what I mean.

I'm just not sure where my feelings or attractions lie at this point.

[Neph]

I totally understand where you're coming from. Kind of sitting there myself really. Though, I've had a few relationships (with women), they didn't really have a sexual aspect (at least not one that did anything for me). So I've kind of decided that I should just see how it goes. Yeah, it makes me hella nervous to think about being with a guy, but I hear that's how a relationship is supposed to start. Butterflies in your stomach and all that. I can't be sure until I try it, I figure. And even if it ends up not being for me, well then it's an interesting life experience.

[Gen]

Ultimately, no. Many people have had crushes/attractions to people that arent defined in their orientation, and in most cases they didnt actually want to do anything with them, just liked them. Apparantly, convincing yourself that you liked girls didnt work, so, technically speaking, convincing yourself that you are gay probably wouldnt work either.

I believe you could try to convince yourself that you are attracted to someone, but not that you want to be intimate with them. So personally, I would say you arent.

[Lance]

It's perfectly normal to feel nervous or unsure what to do when it comes to thinking about being intimate with another guy. Especially since it's not something that is really portrayed very often in our culture, unlike heterosexual relationship models. However I will say that our same sex relationships aren't all that different. I promise when you meet a guy that you have feelings for, intimacy will not seem so awkward and will come more naturally than you think. It does not sound like you're trying to convince yourself that you're gay, it pretty much seems like you are just gay to begin with given the information you've provided.

[Lexington]

My gut feeling is that you ARE probably gay. Because I recognize all the feelings you're having, having had them myself. There was a girl I sometimes thought I should probably date or something...except I didn't really have much interest in DATING her. I just liked HER. I just thought she was fun to be around, so why not date her, y'know?

And I recognize the feelings of excitement, nervousness, etc when contemplating having sex and/or a relationship for the first time. Because, as it ended up, having sex WAS different from how I always pictured it. Not majorly so, and not significantly better or worse. Just...different.

Lex

[sanguine]

well imo I think its quite hard to convince yourself that you are gay, especially in a society where its not ok to be gay, and the fact the everyone by default everyone thinks they are straight.

so to me its probably more of a 'you think or you know' kind of situation, alot of people here on EC are more likely to persuade a person that they are bisexual than to actually tell them they are gay, which I think is the wrong way to approach things.

you can go by any label you want
at the end of the day you know yourself better than anyone else and the best way to go at things is to be truthful, you may be somewhat confused now, maybe even scared, but there is nothing wrong with going with what you have now, whether that be same sex attraction or not, if you happen to like a girl down the road then good for you, but for now its ok just to be who you are.

and not giving a crap

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by sanguine

and not giving a crap

Amen.

[Anonymous]

Gen - It makes sense, being able to be attracted, or convince yourself that you're attracted, to someone... just not being able to convince yourself you'd like to be intimate with them.

Lance - Heheh... One day, right? It'll be hard to tell for me, I think. Just cause I've been one of those people who've bent themselves to other peoples' wills to fit in. Or, at least, prevent trouble or a grinding of the gears. I haven't done anything I haven't wanted to, though. Gettin' better at recognizing my own wants from other peoples'. Still, finding someone might be hard, because I don't think I'll realize the feelings I have for someone or if I have feelings for them at all. Not that I'm in any rush to find someone, it's just a concern.

Lex - That's basically what I've been thinking. If you like spending that much time with someone, why not be in a relationship with them? But one thing I've realized that makes a difference between 'friendship' and 'relationship' is the want to be intimate with that person. It's just... the thing that scares me is that, even if I've imagined, fantasized, etc. about being intimate with a guy, is that I still somehow won't enjoy it. The thing that gets me, is the difference between what I think I 'want', and what I'll actually enjoy, and I can't tell for the life of me. I mean, in one dream I had, I remember pecking this girl on the lips, and not really wanting to do anything more, then getting up and going over to make-out with a random guy, and I don't remember feeling much from the kiss.

Sanguine - I guess. Trying to identify my feelings and what they mean is important to me, because I'm not even sure myself, sometimes. ... Even if I do have a label, it won't help me understand my feelings any better. *sigh* Ever since I started coming out, I've been questioning my feelings, and who I am. It's a trial to pull through, and I'm not exactly sure how to go about it...

[Chip]

Most likely, the first time you have sex with a guy, it will be a combination of terrifying/revolting and really wonderful.

Because from everything I'm reading into what you're saying, you know that you're gay, but you're still holding onto denial about it. Nothing in anything you've described remotely points to your being straight or even bisexual.

So obviously there's got to be some pretty deep-seated fear and/or shame associated with being gay, and that's understandable... all of us have felt it because society has all these anti-gay messages.

And, the truth is, you really don't need to have sex with someone to know you're gay. The signs are there, and a straight person wouldn't have the attraction to men that you have.

[Anonymous]

.... That's incredibly possible. Around the time I started coming out, things were wonderful. I mean, part of me was still holding myself back because I didn't want to be thought of in the stereotypical 'gay' fashion, and part of me may be ashamed about that much... but it's also because... I'm an only child. And when I told my mom about my sexuality, she was iffy on it, to say the least. Asking how I was sure, telling me she didn't understand because she knew I was crushing on this one girl back then, how she doesn't think I'm gay and that I'm probably just going through a phase. Honestly, it frustrates me, but I'm also ashamed because I can't talk to her about it without feeling like I'm disappointing her - she won't get the grandkids or the like. And I think her doubting is causing me to doubt. I've always had a very difficult time making decisions for myself. I wanted to choose the best option, the one that would satisfy me or whoever else the most. And I've deterred a lot of myself to her.

Breaking out of this is NOT easy. Funny thing is, when my parents are gone on trips, I feel amazing and I'm able to think rationally and choose decisions that actually make sense. When they're around, though, I can't think like that. My mind gets all blurred and unable to focus.

I still have yet to come out to my dad, too. If other people - my parents, even - are a part of what's making me ashamed, and there will be people who won't like me because of my sexuality, I'm sure, then what can I do?

[Chip]

Well... no one can make you ashamed. Now... people can say shaming things, and you can take the things they say and feel ashamed about them, but ultimately, shame is something that comes from a very deep fear that we aren't worthy of love and belonging, that we're not "good enough."

So I can certainly see why, in the case of your mom (and maybe your dad) that you feel like you're not "good enough" if you're not going to give them grandkids and all the other trappings of a normal heterosexual life.

But the biggest antidote to shame is simply taking it out of its hiding spot and talking about it... which you're doing right here. Once you start to realize, at a deep level, that there's nothing wrong with being gay, you aren't a "disappointment" because you happen to love men instead of women, and this is how you were born and how you are... then you start to love and believe in yourself, and the shame starts to dissipate.

Your mom will come around. She's got some disappointment, and that's understandable, but she'll be fine. And you need to realize that you're a fine son, obviously thoughtful and considerate, and one that any mom should be happy and proud to have, so there's nothing to be ashamed about. All of these concepts take some time to absorb, but they're real and if you start really thinking about it, it will start seeping into your unconscous.

If you're a reader, I recommend Joe Kort's excellent book "Ten Smart Things Gay MEn Can Do to Find Real Love" which has almost nothing to do with finding real love, and everything to do about understanding and loving yourself, and dealing with the self-esteem issues.

I would also *very* strongly recommend Brené Brown's forthcoming book "Daring Greatly", which will be out in mid-September. It is simply amazing, and among many other things, talks in depth about the expectations that are placed upon men, and the difficulty those expectations create in us emotionally, in terms of shame, numbing behaviors, and fear of failure.

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Chip

Well... no one can make you ashamed. Now... people can say shaming things, and you can take the things they say and feel ashamed about them, but ultimately, shame is something that comes from a very deep fear that we aren't worthy of love and belonging, that we're not "good enough."

So I can certainly see why, in the case of your mom (and maybe your dad) that you feel like you're not "good enough" if you're not going to give them grandkids and all the other trappings of a normal heterosexual life.

But the biggest antidote to shame is simply taking it out of its hiding spot and talking about it... which you're doing right here. Once you start to realize, at a deep level, that there's nothing wrong with being gay, you aren't a "disappointment" because you happen to love men instead of women, and this is how you were born and how you are... then you start to love and believe in yourself, and the shame starts to dissipate.

Your mom will come around. She's got some disappointment, and that's understandable, but she'll be fine. And you need to realize that you're a fine son, obviously thoughtful and considerate, and one that any mom should be happy and proud to have, so there's nothing to be ashamed about. All of these concepts take some time to absorb, but they're real and if you start really thinking about it, it will start seeping into your unconscous.

If you're a reader, I recommend Joe Kort's excellent book "Ten Smart Things Gay MEn Can Do to Find Real Love" which has almost nothing to do with finding real love, and everything to do about understanding and loving yourself, and dealing with the self-esteem issues.

I would also *very* strongly recommend Brené Brown's forthcoming book "Daring Greatly", which will be out in mid-September. It is simply amazing, and among many other things, talks in depth about the expectations that are placed upon men, and the difficulty those expectations create in us emotionally, in terms of shame, numbing behaviors, and fear of failure.

All these answers... feel like they ring true, for the most part. I mean, before I started coming out to people and was very much in the closet, I always had fantasizes and the like of being intimate with a guy, and was kinda nervous around some women who got too close. But now that I've been coming out, the thought of being intimate with a guy kinda scares me, but in the sense that I know now that it's 'real' - this is who I am, and getting that close to a guy is exciting, yet nerve-wracking. And the whole girls getting too close to me or w/e, well, I don't really care. I don't feel uncomfortable because I, apparently sub-consciously, know that nothing's gonna happen. At least, I think so. I seem to be so gentlemanly and flirty with girls, but when it comes to guys I feel awkward and guarded. I don't want them to think I'm hitting on them in any form, only because I don't want to be viewed as the whole 'gay guy who only hits on other guys for sex' stereotype.

Now, to be honest, it's hard to put labels on my feelings or describe them, whether they're happening in the moment or not, but I figure these might be the closest things I can be saying about them.

Part of me is tired, honestly... Tired of fighting to figure this out. I can tell my sexual attractions, that much is obvious. It's pushing past some barriers towards actually being able to show romantic feelings for a guy that gets me. Other than crushing on that one girl, I can't say I've really developed romantic feelings for anyone... else....

....Wait, that's a lie. There was ONE guy, and this one included sexual attraction. He was just so... outgoing and seemed so open and caring. Not to mention, he was hella cute and had quite the smile. It was easy to get into a deep conversation with him, but he was pretty easy to have fun with, too. 'Course, I never revealed such feelings to him, and he's completely straight (typical, huh?), but those feelings were still there.

I just wanna start off being friends with people - with everyone, even. I'm not really seeking a relationship at this point. Whether that's my denial in place, being afraid of being open to someone, or just satisfied with waiting and doing my own thing and something will come along like that, I'unno. Too many questions and ponderings, not enough answers. I realize, of course, many of the answers need to come from myself. It's just hard to define certain feelings when you're not sure what they actually mean. Especially compared to other peoples' feelings and the like.

I feel like I've been different from most other guys I know, though. Almost like I fit in better with the girls, despite not being or even feeling the same as a girl. And as much as I'd want to cuddle with a guy right now... I know there'd be some kinda blockage that would prevent me from actually enjoying it. ... If I was holding myself back from being who I really was, then I'd recognize myself as a facade and think that this person I'm with wouldn't love me for me - that I'd be betraying both myself and him. I've just found myself so sensitive to other peoples' opinions and feelings. Like I've put them ahead of my own, and now my own opinions and feelings are buried so deep beneath other peoples', that I'm having to sift through all that to find my own values WHILE dealing with my sexuality.

As much as I'm on a roll tonight... I won't be replying for a while. Goin' on a trip, and I won't have internet access for a week.

I feel like... some headway's been made, honestly. But I also know that there is a very likely chance I'll relapse. More questions tend to pop up with varying situations. Apparently I'm not very flexible with my feelings and the like.

[Anonymous]

Well, I'm back. A few things.

For starters, I'm having an easier time, right now, remembering a few of the guys I found attractive while I was out. I don't exactly remember their faces, but I can remember their haircuts and what they were wearing. More-so than any girl I might've seen. Wouldn't this mean I was focusing more on guys on the trip? But what if I was forcing myself? This is my issue - I don't KNOW myself at all. I realize the connotations of being gay means - physically, sexually, and emotionally attracted to the same sex. And, really, I find it hard NOT to be attracted to abs and muscles and the like. Doesn't mean I'll fall for them or necessarily flirt or go after them - I'd prefer to make friends first with someone, sans abs and muscles even, and see what happens from there. But they do make good eye candy, regardless. I just worry if I'm admiring them for it or if I'm jealous. I just don't get the thing with the boobs. Like, how do straight guys feel about them? I recognize them as a girl's chest and what-not, and a few times I might stare, but I don't feel turned on by them.

God, I dunno. From everything I've said, it would make sense that I'm gay, right? I'm just... not entirely sure, myself. Despite all this, I find it hard to see myself in a relationship with a guy. Maybe because I don't know what I need or am looking for, or what, I just... I don't feel anything when I hug a guy friend, or a girl friend. I think there's a guard up to prevent anyone from becoming anything more than friends. Like I said, I'unno.

I WANT to enjoy being intimate with a guy - it seems special, y'know? I'm just not sure if I necessarily WOULD. It might be because of my over-thinking, it might be because of my sexuality, I. Don't. Know. At the same time, I can't expect you guys to tell me the exact answer, right? But talking about it at least presents some possible answers. So I know I'm asking a lot, but please, I'm hoping you'll help me work through this. It could raise the right questions.

[Chip]

From everything you've said, it's even more clear you're gay. A straight guy would NEVER say "I get that they're boobs, but nothing about them seems particularly attractive." But I can remember when I asked the exact same question (to myself) of "What's the big deal with these things that all my friends are seeing and I don't." And... that basically means you are attracted to guys, and not girls

The stuff I said about shame I can expand on a little bit more that might help. Shame, at its root, is a deeply held belief that we're not worth of love or belonging. And everyone has it, and the less we talk about it the more we have it. But more importantly, LGBT people have it more than straight people because we get these messages, from early in life, that loving the same sex is wrong, bad. And so as we realize that's what we feel... we immediately get the message that we don't "belong" to the same group all our friends and family do. Ad we "fit in" so we can feel like we belong... but we know, deep down, that we really don't belong to the "straight" group, so the "fitting in" ultimately creates more shame.

So the shame -- the fear of not belonging -- makes us reject the idea that we might truly be gay. ANd that causes all sorts of ridiculous rationalizations that allow us to reject the facts right in front of us. Much of this happens in the unconscious.

But as we address it, look at it, talk about it, then we realize what we're doing, and we begin being able to accept and love ourselves as we are, and we come to the realization that we will be loved, and accepted, and belong, just as much as lesbian or gay as if we were straight.

I think you're struggling with that a bit. And I think once you start to realize that rejecting the truth that's pretty obvious from everything you've said, you'll start to be able to accept and love yourself for who you are.

Does that make sense?

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Chip

From everything you've said, it's even more clear you're gay. A straight guy would NEVER say "I get that they're boobs, but nothing about them seems particularly attractive." But I can remember when I asked the exact same question (to myself) of "What's the big deal with these things that all my friends are seeing and I don't." And... that basically means you are attracted to guys, and not girls

The stuff I said about shame I can expand on a little bit more that might help. Shame, at its root, is a deeply held belief that we're not worth of love or belonging. And everyone has it, and the less we talk about it the more we have it. But more importantly, LGBT people have it more than straight people because we get these messages, from early in life, that loving the same sex is wrong, bad. And so as we realize that's what we feel... we immediately get the message that we don't "belong" to the same group all our friends and family do. Ad we "fit in" so we can feel like we belong... but we know, deep down, that we really don't belong to the "straight" group, so the "fitting in" ultimately creates more shame.

So the shame -- the fear of not belonging -- makes us reject the idea that we might truly be gay. ANd that causes all sorts of ridiculous rationalizations that allow us to reject the facts right in front of us. Much of this happens in the unconscious.

But as we address it, look at it, talk about it, then we realize what we're doing, and we begin being able to accept and love ourselves as we are, and we come to the realization that we will be loved, and accepted, and belong, just as much as lesbian or gay as if we were straight.

I think you're struggling with that a bit. And I think once you start to realize that rejecting the truth that's pretty obvious from everything you've said, you'll start to be able to accept and love yourself for who you are.

Does that make sense?

It does, and this is what gets me - I WANT to be gay, right? The muscles, the abs, the pure deep passionate feeling of intimacy it would be possible to experience with another guy, it all seems... so, so enthralling and appealing. Yet as much as I want to, it feels like there's a block there preventing me from truly accepting myself. I don't know myself that well, so all this is confusing me and my feelings.

I've said so much here on EC - all of it should be clicking, allowing me to go step by step, closer to the truth of the matter. And yet, I'm holding myself back, for whatever reason. Through this all, I can't even understand my own feelings. Sure, okay, there's a lot of heterosexual media out there, and having watched a LOT of TV when I was younger, influencing me more than you could imagine, then yeah, that's probably been part of the block. Yet nearly every word I say doesn't SOUND like it's ME - like I'm just making up some of these issues for whatever reason. I WANT someone to tell me I'm gay because I can't believe myself. Yes, I'm sexually attracted to guys, yes, I would like to try to be intimate with one, yes, I've had SEVERAL sexual dreams involving guys; MOSTLY my male friends, no less! This hasn't happened with my girl friends, much less girls period! I don't understand what it is about breasts that attract guys.

So WHY, despite everything, do I still not believe it? That deep down, I'm not sure if I am gay. I want to be gay, I want to believe it, I want to break out of this stupid, repetitive, relapsing doubting. And it's so much harder than what it would seem. *sigh* And yet, I've come quite a ways. Since I started coming out to my friends, I've felt more comfortable around them. It's become easier to voice certain things. Not EVERYTHING, granted, but I've generally gained some more confidence and what-not around them.

I realize the connotations of what it means to stare at either guy or girl. And I WANT to be gay - to stare at and admire guys. But part of me thinks I could still be attracted to girls. It doesn't help I'm generally introverted and not outspoken at all, and fairly hard on myself. It's tough, y'know? Suddenly, in the last 6 months, I've dealt with so many different feelings and emotions, that I've ran away from in the rest of my 19 years of living. It's tough... it really is.

[Chip]

So WHY, despite everything, do I still not believe it? That deep down, I'm not sure if I am gay. I want to be gay, I want to believe it, I want to break out of this stupid, repetitive, relapsing doubting.

Because... denial (even when it's unconscious) is incredibly powerful. Taking the step to say "I'm gay" is closing a door, and that's terrifying to a lot of people. So when you start to do that, unconscious throws up all sorts of roadblocks, doubts, and increasingly ridiculous red herring thoughts, just to try and second-guess and keep you from closing that door.

But this isn't something you have to answer *now*. Take your time. Try it on. Take 3 or 4 days and just decide that you're going to pretend, for that period, that you've fully accepted yourself as gay. See how it feels. And if you're so motivated, try the reverse, pretending you've fully accepted that you're straight.

It gets easier the more you process it, talk about it, think about it.

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Chip

Because... denial (even when it's unconscious) is incredibly powerful. Taking the step to say "I'm gay" is closing a door, and that's terrifying to a lot of people. So when you start to do that, unconscious throws up all sorts of roadblocks, doubts, and increasingly ridiculous red herring thoughts, just to try and second-guess and keep you from closing that door.

But this isn't something you have to answer *now*. Take your time. Try it on. Take 3 or 4 days and just decide that you're going to pretend, for that period, that you've fully accepted yourself as gay. See how it feels. And if you're so motivated, try the reverse, pretending you've fully accepted that you're straight.

It gets easier the more you process it, talk about it, think about it.

But how do I pretend to do something like that? Like... I don't quite understand. Honestly, even thinking about trying to be straight and the what-not frightens me. Being attracted to girls... I'm pretty sure I'm not, but, you know... unconscious and all that. Aren't dreams a gate-way to the subconscious, though, which are basically your innermost desires?

Gotta say, I have these oddly... clarifying moments where I do accept and feel right with being gay - suddenly everything seems amazing and nothing can bring me down. Like all is right with the world and being with a guy seems awesome. Then my thoughts get in the way and I fall back into doubting. Really though, it's been a lot better. About a month or 2 ago, I was having some bad panic attacks, and they only ever triggered during work. I would just think one fleeting thought of something, and my stomach would turn, my heart would race and I'd feel like screaming or crying. It hasn't gotten that bad since, though. So, I'm guessing some progress is being made? I mean, it's been a year since I STARTED coming out to people, and I find myself wanting to hang out with my guy friends more than my girl friends. Girl friends are still fun, but - and this is one of the reasons I can't see myself in a relationship with one - after a certain amount of time, it just gets... I wouldn't say boring, but... I feel uneasy about it, honestly. I'unno. Before I started coming out, though, it was kinda the opposite with my guy and girl friends. I don't know what that's about...

I want to work on this. I really do. I just don't know where to actually start.

Thanks, Chip, for putting up with so much of me. It means a lot.

[Anonymous]

I had my first gay experience when I was a teenager. At the time I was kissing girls, feeling them up, but never had sex. My gay experience was me giving a friend a blow job and vice versa, and it was most enjoyable to me. When in college, I fooled around with a slew of girls, but guys also. I'd find my way to looking at straight porn, and then gay porn. I was young then, and made my way into those xxx theaters, bath houses and so forth, and for a while I thought maybe I was gay. I questioned my sexuality extensively but then realized I was attracted to females. There were times I was so horny to be with a man, it would drive me crazy, then other times it was to be with girl. My hormones were completely nuts. But It was then I realized that I am bisexual. I think I lean a little towards women, in the fact I can't see myself opening up emotionally to a man the way I do to a woman, but sexually I am bisexual. I don't frown upon it anymore, and I am comfortable with who I am. I don't go around my girls back if I'm in a relationship, because that's just cheating, and cheating with anyone girl or man, is still cheating. But If I'm single, then I'll just have fun with either one. My family and friends don't know this about me, but that is my choice, not because I'm embarrased, but because it's none of their damn business.

when young I felt what you are feeling, and I hope one day you can secure yourself in your sexuality, because once you do, believe me it feels liberating. I don't think liberating yourself means telling the whole world, because in the end the only person you have is yourself. Coming out means coming out to yourself, the most important person in the world.

[Chip]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

I don't think liberating yourself means telling the whole world, because in the end the only person you have is yourself. Coming out means coming out to yourself, the most important person in the world.

The only problem with this is that not being open about it means you have shame about it. Shame is something we all have, and the less we talk about it, the more we have it.

Here's the rub: when you're intentionally keeping a pretty important part of who you are (i.e., who you love) away from people you care about, that's creating a barrier that interferes with authenticity. It means that, to some extent, you're "fitting in" rather than "belonging." And "fitting in" actually creates more shame, because, deep down, you realize that you're fitting in because you're afraid that if you are open and honest, you won't be loved and accepted for who you are... meaning, you're not worth of the love and belonging that's an irreducible human need.

The "don't care what anyone else thinks" line of thinking is dangerous, also, because, #1, it is usually bogus; if you really didn't care, you wouldn't be hiding it, and #2, if you really don't care about what anyone else thinks about anything, then you're insulating yourself from what could be a valuable source of self-reflection and valid criticism (not specifically about the gay thing, but about other things.)

So when someone says "I'm fine with it, and I'm not telling anyone because it's none of their damn business" that is, at least according to the research, not an authentic statement... though many of us have worked really hard to rationalize such statements.

[Lexington]

I agree that coming out to yourself is the most important step. It makes all subsequent steps a lot easier and a lot more comfortable. But I do think one can tie oneself into a pretzel by insisting that "nobody has to know".

In a sense, that's accurate. I don't make sure my butcher knows I'm gay, or the guy next to me at the bus stop, or anything along those lines. But we all have friends. We all talk about stuff. We share things. And nobody would suggest that the straight people not talk about wanting a girlfriend, or finding an actress hot, or about where they went with their wife last night. Yeah, they might go overboard on it - I think everybody had a friend who pulled a "did you see the tits on HER?" every time someone attractive walked by. But you wouldn't expect straight people to hide their preferences, dates, or partners.

Lex