serious relationship with bf of two years and a half. need sexual advice

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been togetheir for two years and a half and are pretty much in a very serious commmited long term relationship. We both love eachother a lot. Since we started dating, I was still pretty much new to the whole gay experience. Since beggininng i bottomed for my boyfriend always have and still am. I do love it i think it can feel great. But at some point in our relationship i asked him if i could top him. He hesitated and told me how he had ever done it before and that he probably woulnt like it. Because his such a dominant person. But later on he did let me try it and hoestly loved it felt amazing. he told me he let me do it because he loved me. That he wasnt a fan of it. As time went by he still let me try a couple more times. Untill recently we had an argument becaue of some personal struggles i have such as confidence issues, being more open in public with him, being myself more, communication problems, getting nervous a lot and saying things i dont mean. Because of this reason i have hurt him a lot through our relationship because he feels i have not tried 100% to fix my struggles. When we had our argument he told me how he would just love it if i was the only one bottoming. To call myself his bottom. and all this other things. He told me he hates bottoming himself for me. That if it was up to him he would never do it again. But like i said we truly love eachother. The next few days we talked again about ame topic. He said he woul make me a deal if i give him 100% in trying to crack my shell and solve my personal struggles than he would give me 100% in trying to keep bottoing for me because he said that bottoming for me takes a lot out of him and he considers a very important thing to him to give to me. He said he just felt it wasnt unfair for him to be trying so hard on his struggles like bottoming for me. How i kept messing up on my struggles and sometime sholding back on true capabilty. Its just confusing because he says he doesnt like it but would keep tryig for me because he loves me but cant help feel bad and selfish if i did go through that. I mean i do love him with all my heart and would do anything for him. All i would love is for us to get the full sexual experience instead of limiting ourselves. need advice plz

[robclem21]

Relationships take a lot of work. After 2.5 years I am sure this isn't really news to you. The situation as you described it seems like you are both taking a very level headed approach to it and that it could work out for both of you.

He seems very understanding and it seems true that you both really love each other and care about each other. I don't think it is fair to expect him to do something he doesn't like when there are things he wants you to do as well and you seem less than eager. I understand personality things are not as easy to change and not as "quick" fix as something like sex, but give and take (no pun intended) is important in a relationship. You are both very willing to to do things that may not be your favourite and that compromise is what makes love and relationships work. Keep working on the things that make you feel better about yourself and things that you described, and he seems like he would be more than happy to reciprocate and give you what you need sexually.

The work never ends. If he feels like you are giving it your all to improve yourself than he will do the same.

[TheEdend]

I'm going to disagree a bit with the post above.

I do agree that relationships are hard work and it takes a lot of compromise, but there are situations where you just can't compromise certain things. For example, I can compromise on a lot of things, but few things like honesty, communication and fairness I cannot compromise on; either you have it or, sadly, our our relationship can't work. Based on your post alone, it seems like you guys might have encountered one of those situations. You want to be able to try more things in bed without feeling guilty and he wants to be able to be with someone that is more social and open in certain situations. And all of that wouldn't be a problem if it didn't take so much energy from both of you to be able to do those things. You aren't comfortable being so open right now and he isn't comfortable with bottoming. It isn't fair to either of you and sooner or later someone is going to crack.

I think it might be worth, as hard as it is, to see if this is what you really want from a relationship or if you want to keep things going like this. If yes, then its as simple as just giving into his demands and him giving into yours. If that leaves you with a sour taste in your mouth though, then I would rethink it.

[Chip]

I'm going to throw one other thing out there:

You've said he's very dominant, and would like for you to be his 100% bottom, and that he doesn't really want to work on bottoming, but will do it. That sounds to me like someone who is trying to stretch himself and open up, but also someone who might have some underlying issues with equating his masculinity with bottoming. So it might be worthwhile to have a conversation about that, because if that's the case, that could be an underlying issue that's further complicating things, if he sort of feels shameful about bottoming.

It sounds like both of you are trying to work on your issues. But it takes time. And the biggest, most important thing is communication. Talk openly about what scares you about opening up more. See if you can find out what scares him. (I guarantee it's not just whether or not he bottoms for you.) And that's where the real, honest intimacy will develop in the relationship, is when both of you can really open up and be vulnerable with each other.

[Anonymous]

I agree with some things of all three of bu guys. I have defenetly always felt like he had masculinity issues with bottoming. Like if he has a fear of it may have something to do with it im not sure though. But i do love him with all my heart he means the world to me. I am defenetly gonna work on everything and just try my best to make my relationship happy and succesful. We defenetly see a future together