Having sex on the First Date

[Anonymous]

So last Friday I did the unthinkable.
I used an app and I was chatting with this guy. We chatted for a day or two and I initiated a meet up to grab a drink. He offered wine and crackers at his place and I said sure. I never done this in my life and I knew how sketchy the situation is.

I was very nervous and wanted to back out, but I didn't. Went over to his condo and surprisingly it he was a wonderful person (he made me a light dinner and he was a well kept person). Our night together did eventually escalated to sex and then we took a shower together. Afterwards we chatted a bit and I left.

Having sex on the first date = No Future, right?
I just never done this before. I don't regret it, but I just feel ...wrong (conservative background)

Details:
- He told me he wasn't looking for a hook-up and he didn't treat our encounter as one (I asked him)
- On that same Friday he had me and this other guy looking to hook-up with him. He chose me over this hook-up guy. (But in someway we did hook-up, it was just unexpected, so what's the difference really...He told me that "this" was different)
- Afterwards we texted and he was like "I should cook a real dinner next time" and our text communications are quite poor
- I feel like I am the one chasing him and again that's new to me and I am frustrated

[Dummy]

I don't think that there is something bad with what you did or that it means that you two have no future. things happen. he sounds really cool about it and like he wants something more than just sex. If you're not sure then just wait to get to know him a bit better... Good luck.

[Lexington]

Having sex on the first date = No Future, right?

Why do you say that? It's certainly possible that he wined you, dined you, 69ed you, and now he's not interested in anything more. But nothing you say indicates that. It sounds like he had a great time and wants to do it again. So contact him. If texting is awkward, phone him. Ask if he's available this weekend.

Lex

[Lance]

If he's suggesting making a real dinner next time, it sounds like things went well and maybe there could be a future. Having sex on the first date doesn't mean everything is over with. I'd get back to him and take him up on that second dinner.

[Anonymous]

He's so opposite of me. I told him I like to have things planned meanwhile he like it spontaneous. I followed up on the dinner thing this Monday. He texted back "sounds good" and I was like "Great. How's Friday". No response, which is totally fine.

I just feel I am in a vulnerable spot here. I look like a total loser showing my cards and as my friends would say "You don't got game! AKA you make yourself too available to him". According to my friends they are like "Now you can't hangout with him on Friday because you will look like some loner who waited 4 days just to be with him therefore he wont cherish you." in the event if he revisits my text on Friday.

So chances are I will receive a text from him on Friday and it will go like this:
Him - "Hey you want to have dinner tonight?"
Me - "Sorry I can't. I promise my friend I would help him with X. How about sometime next week?"
Him - "Sure sounds good"

Seriously second encounter is going to look a lot like the first encounter, but with more food. And there's nothing wrong with that, but I don't know ...I just feel a little bit ...dirty~ I never had a potential F-buddy...(Self judgement here)

[Ianthe]

I don't think there is necessarily no future--if you both want a future, there will be one.

Any talk about "next time" is a good sign. Making a "real dinner" means he intends to put more effort in next time, so that's good too. (I don't think cooking is usually part of hook-ups, but I could be wrong about that. But to me, that seems like more of a real date.)


In the future, for your safety, I would recommend that the first time you meet someone from the Internet, you meet in a public place rather than at his home. That could potentially be dangerous. (It also makes spontaneous sex much more likely.) Also make sure someone knows where you're going. And use condoms where appropriate.


I don't think there's anything wrong with you having sex, since you both wanted to.

What makes you feel like you're chasing him? He had you over to his place and cooked for you--surely that must have been his idea.


It's possible that the main thing that's different about you, for him, is that you clearly want more from him than just a hook-up. It's different because both of you are intending to connect in a genuine way.

It's possible he was just hooking up with you, but from everything you said it doesn't seem like it.

I think you should call him, like Lex was saying--maybe invite him to do something out somewhere, if you aren't sure you want to have sex again right away. Or if you just want there to be more talking first.

***

Okay, you posted more while I was writing.

If he wants to have dinner on Friday, I think that's fine. But if you agree with your friends that that wouldn't be the thing to do, you don't have to totally put him off. You can say, "Oh, I can't do dinner now, I've made plans. But we could meet before/after, for coffee/drinks/dessert. I'd really like to see you." (If you want there to be sex again, it should be "after for dessert.")

That way, it seems both like you have a life, and like you want to see him. And you might get to actually see him, and not have to put it off until next week.

But really, you should just send another text in the next day or so, explaining that if you aren't on for Friday you want to make other plans. You shouldn't assume that people always necessarily get a message just because you sent one.

[Lexington]

Who will you look like a loner to? Him? Your reality show audience? I think people so often get this weird sense of "pride" about such things, and seem bound and determined to get their game on, scoring "points" by making the other make a move and nt reciprocating. Guess what? It's not a game. It's a potential relationship. Call him. Leave a message if you have to. "I'd like to get together this weekend. Is Friday good? Call and let me know either way." Then, go on with your life. If you want to make alternate plans of Fruday (because you'll feel like a loser if nothing happens on Friday), feel free.

Lex

[Anonymous]

Call him. Leave a message if you have to. "I'd like to get together this weekend. Is Friday good? Call and let me know either way." Then, go on with your life. If you want to make alternate plans of Fruday (because you'll feel like a loser if nothing happens on Friday), feel free.

Both of you mentioned "call him". My gosh that's like a HUGE step, no?
Calling him is kind of desperate isn't it?
Could you honestly tell me that is what you will do in reality?

I agree I am not here to "score" points or anything, but isn't there some sort of invisible line you aren't suppose to cross? (I used to be an expressive and open person in the past, but I think I been jaded so I just become slightly colder and have no high hopes).

[justinf]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

Call him. Leave a message if you have to. "I'd like to get together this weekend. Is Friday good? Call and let me know either way." Then, go on with your life. If you want to make alternate plans of Fruday (because you'll feel like a loser if nothing happens on Friday), feel free.

Both of you mentioned "call him". My gosh that's like a HUGE step, no?
Calling him is kind of desperate isn't it?
Could you honestly tell me that is what you will do in reality?

I agree I am not here to "score" points or anything, but isn't there some sort of invisible line you aren't suppose to cross? (I used to be an expressive and open person in the past, but I think I been jaded so I just become slightly colder and have no high hopes).

Lol no calling is just fine. I call people all the time. It's basically the same thing as texting except you show you have some balls by actually talking to them instead of to a machine. Seriously, you're overthinking things.

[Anonymous]

Lol no calling is just fine. I call people all the time. It's basically the same thing as texting except you show you have some balls by actually talking to them instead of to a machine. Seriously, you're overthinking things.

Yes I agree~ I am just not used to "chasing" someone and calling them. I have had the luxury of being the one not calling and all I had to do is pick up the phone.

[KaraBulut]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

Yes I agree~ I am just not used to "chasing" someone and calling them. I have had the luxury of being the one not calling and all I had to do is pick up the phone.

You have to decide what you want and be willing to take the risk of asking for another date if you want one.

In situations like this, two people can wonder "Why didn't he call?". Or you can take control of the situation and say, "Thanks for the great dinner. If you don't have plans, why don't I spring for dinner next Saturday?".

Sure, you might get rejected. Sure, the second date might be crappy. Or the second date might end in sex on the second date. There's only way you'll ever find out and that's to take the chance.

If the guy isn't your type or someone that you're interested in seeing again, then the answer is a lot simpler- chalk it up to a night/morning of fun and move on.

[Lexington]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

Both of you mentioned "call him". My gosh that's like a HUGE step, no?

I'm trying to fathom that somebody thinks "calling somebody on the phone" is a bigger step than "having sex with him".

You had sex. You stuck your dicks into each other. Then you showered together. And now you want to play coy? You both seem to have enjoyed it, so why not pursue it? No, don't call him every hour begging him to return your phone calls. But call, and leave a message. That's not "desperation". That's "trying to set something up".

Lex

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Lexington

I'm trying to fathom that somebody thinks "calling somebody on the phone" is a bigger step than "having sex with him".

You had sex. You stuck your dicks into each other. Then you showered together. And now you want to play coy? You both seem to have enjoyed it, so why not pursue it? No, don't call him every hour begging him to return your phone calls. But call, and leave a message. That's not "desperation". That's "trying to set something up".

Lex

You are so funny and right~
Update - So I got a text from him today at 1PM and again at 4PM asking me how I was doing and if I was free tomorrow. I texted back at 8PM bc I was out and didnt have my phone on me. I told him I have some stuff to do, but I can make it for dinner and suggested a time. No response, but its only been 2 hours and who's counting right?

I'm scared second date is going to end up the same as the first. I been reading on sex on first date and stuff and a lot of the reading suggests sex can really push people away. So I should really be a virgin mary tomorrow. That means no alcohol during dinner...just a glass i guess~

[Ianthe]

If you want to not have sex on this date, the best thing would be to tell him that so he isn't confused:

"I really like you, and I feel like we went a little faster than I was ready for last time. On our date tonight, I'd like us to be able to really get to know each other better, without there being an expectation that we're going to have sex. It's not that I don't want to be with you, I just feel like we got a little ahead of ourselves."

It might be better to establish this fairly early--it will be a lot more awkward if you have to pull away and refuse when he is actually making advances.


I don't think having sex early on is necessarily detrimental to a relationship, but if you are uncomfortable with moving so fast, it's your right to say so and roll things back a little.

[Anonymous]

Update
So I saw him yesterday for dinner. And like I predicted we had dinner and eventually we ended up in bed. It didn't feel good afterwards. I felt cheap and I just simply don't like having casual sex.

Red Flags
- He's not out and still in the closet and assume I was too and started to lecture me before dinner why I didn't have two facebook profiles. I was like WTF and until I told him I came out he stopped talking about it. He seriously have some self-hate issue.
- He judged my personality quite harshly and told me I was too optimistic and I don't see the reality (Umm...I don't know how we got into that topic)
- He was temperamental and I felt scared and I just wanted to leave.

After leaving his place he texts me and apologized for his behavior in three paragraphs.

There's a part of that tells me there really isn't a future with this person. And there's a part of me that feels bad for him and wishes to forgive him. And there's a part of me that tells me "Listen, he's just a 'sex', so what did you expect?"

[Anonymous]

Here's my suggestion....Flat out ask him what he wants....If he just wants sex or if he wants an actual relationship...It doesn't hurt to ask then you know...for sure

[Anonymous]

I been beating myself up for doing this to be honest. I have never done anything like this in my whole entire life. A good friend(s) tells me that its good to have the experience and I just got to stop thinking about what happened and know that it did happen and enjoy it.

I now have a better sense of my values and what makes me happy and clearly it's not having sex with a stranger on the first or second date.

[Just Adam]

I Kind of feel sorry for the other guy. You nee to be more direct and make a desicion.

Ok sex on first date aint smartest move however its not wrong and there must be something there for it to happen.

The second date disnt go great but you slept together again that was stupid tbh if your not feeling anything for this guy. He obviously has some self esteem issues and maybe was feeling more relaxed with you. The relationship is early and it can be awkward for a while.

But if your still seeing this as a one off one night stand casual thing. Youve had two dates one being an intimate meal and slept together twice this guy thinks its going somehwere. You owe it to him to be honest with him because if you keep having doubts but inevitably just end up in his bed again its going to end up hurting you both.

Best you can do is decide a) can you be in a relationship with him b) can you emotionally support him with coming out.

I say meet up in a bar for a drink and char about whats going on and what your both thinking, feeling and what you want to happen. Discuss your issues with each other and if you willing to help each other through them.

Relationships are all compromiae and support.

Good luck and remember the guys feelings he sounds vulnerable.

[KaraBulut]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

Update
So I saw him yesterday for dinner. And like I predicted we had dinner and eventually we ended up in bed. It didn't feel good afterwards. I felt cheap and I just simply don't like having casual sex.

Honestly, you didn't just "end up in bed". You both made a conscious choice to get naked and get into bed and have sex.

And like a lot of people often do, you have a bit of post-orgasmic remorse.

Originally Posted by Anonymous

Red Flags
- He's not out and still in the closet and assume I was too and started to lecture me before dinner why I didn't have two facebook profiles. I was like WTF and until I told him I came out he stopped talking about it. He seriously have some self-hate issue.
- He judged my personality quite harshly and told me I was too optimistic and I don't see the reality (Umm...I don't know how we got into that topic)
- He was temperamental and I felt scared and I just wanted to leave.

And this is what we call "unselling". He was good enough to have sex with but not good enough to have sex with again.

It really comes down to whether you want a fuckbuddy or a boyfriend. If you want a boyfriend, then don't have sex with this guy again because you've decided that he's not boyfriend material. If you want a fuckbuddy, then keep doing what you're both doing- spending a small amount of social time followed by a more substantial amount of time getting off together.

You have to decide what you want but apparently, since you've done it twice, there is something that you're both getting out of the situation.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone for their opinion and comments. I really appreciate everyone's insight.

I saw my ex yesterday and I hangout with a good friend today (that I have liked in the past). And both of them resemble something I truly care about and how we met/situation is very different from this guy. Consciously I am comparing what I had in the past and I guess I shouldn't do that bc that can mean I haven't completely let go of my past (yes I like my past better).

A new week is coming up and once Friday rolls up again I am sure I will be receiving a text from this guy again.