Do people who are out look down on people who aren't?

[Anonymous]

Even here on EC I've come across a few posts that suggest that, and EC supposedly caters to people who need help coming out, so I wouldn't have expected that here. I've also heard similarly dismissive and scathing comments towards people who are a little bit out, but scared of coming out further, or still not comfortable with themselves.
To be honest, things like that are what stop me from telling anyone; because even if I told just one person, I'd still be uncomfortable, and might not want to tell anyone else. I know it's not a view that's going to be particularly common here, but outside EC do a lot of out LGBT people think like that about people who are still or partially in the closet?

[Anonymous]

Any LGBT person with an ounce of self-respect wouldn't. But there seem to be quite a lot of LGBT people who don't have that ounce of self-respect.
I'm out and I certainly don't. Why should I?

In regards to here at EC, there are quite a few members who need a little slap upside the head, including the ones who speak down about people who aren't out. Ignore them.

[Kidd]

I don't look down on people who aren't out and I don't think most people in general do either. All of us here at EC were closeted at one point and I think, in general, we're able to empathize and understand what a closeted person is thinking and fearing, and you know, feeling. It's a scary place to be and it's very isolating.

[TheEdend]

Sadly, in order to feel superior or better about themselves, some people will look down on people that are in the closet. Its sort of like "Hey, I'm not that bad. At least I'm not them" mentality. It doesn't make sense, but I have met some people like that. Do keep in mind they usually don't intend to offend. Its just a defense mechanisim. Most of us have done something similar in our past.

As a rule though, you won't encounter too many people like that. Most LGBT people that I know do whatever is in their power to help people who are coming out or are "new gays" as my friends calls them xD Everyone remembers how it feels to be there and no one wants anyone else to go through the same thing. Hence why EC even exists

If you do encounter another post belittling people who are in the closet then I highly encourage you to report it. EC is not the place for putting people down in any way

[malachite]

Well, I supposed some might. But coming out is easier for some people then other. Some have more accepting family than other, it's easy to come out when you know everyone in your life will accept you.

I don't judge, at least try not too. Not my job to look down on people, it doesn't make me better by putting someone beneath me.

[Chip]

Well, there are definitely the bitter queens who, as others have said, find a reason to look down on everyone. But no need to pay them any mind.

But there are also the people that, sort of jokingly, realize when people are in the closet (the "Find the Hidden Fairy" game that some of my friends and I play.) But in those cases, we're not looking down at anyone who is a "hidden fairy", just feeling bad for them that they aren't yet ready to come out, because, having all been there, we know they're miserable.

The truth is, everybody's been through it, and once you're out, nobody's going to hold against you the fact that you were once closeted.

[Lexington]

If I look down on somebody who is closeted, it's not merely because of their closeted status. It'll be because of some other issue, sometimes related to that status, sometimes not. I have no problem with people being in the closet.

Lex

[Fugs]

I feel bad and want to help; but I don't look down on anyone. Many LGBT people are in situations where they can't come out, or just aren't ready. It's up to the person to come out and nobody can force them, everyone has their own pace and there's nothing to look down on.

[Anonymous]

Dan Savage comes to mind, I think he's great but he can be harsh on closeted people.

[Jim1454]

What you'll find more often is the 'out' people wanting to be encouraging. Generally, we've found that things are better once you can be honest with yourself and those around you. Maybe we're a little too enthusiastic?

The other reason for wanting everyone else to come out is that there is strength in numbers! The more people who come out, the more examples there are for straight people to see that 'gay' doesn't equal 'perverted' or 'weird' or whatever other negative things they attribute to 'gays'. If they find that their well-liked neighbour or coworker or friend or relative is gay, they might reconsider what they think of gay people.

[Anonymous]

I have noticed quite a few people that look down on those that are not out. Luckily, they are in the minority and it seems to be pretty rare/virtually nonexistent on EC.

I'm not out and I will most likely never be completely out. In my career path, it wouldn't be a great idea. I won't mention what career path but it is incredibly conservative. I'm already a racial minority as well as a female. I don't need to add gay on top of it. I have no plans on coming out because I think that I'm discriminated against enough. Why make it worse on myself?

For my situation, the cons far outweigh the pros

[TwistyRainbow]

I try not to look down on closeted people, but similar to what Lex said, I know a couple of people who were real, well, assholes to out people while they (the couple of people, obviously) were still closeted. That, not whether or not they were in the closet, is how I'd figure out how I'd treat them.

[Filip]

Well, some people are just going to find a way to feel better than others no matter what. Those are best avoided.

Like Jim, I do think that in some cases it's a fine line. Sometimes, after you're out, with the benefit of hindsight, it's possible to try and be encouraging and yet to come off as insensitive and judgemental.

If you'll allow me to expand:
While still in the closet, I had a great many reasons why I thought coming out wouldn't work for me. I had little problem seeing how it could work for others, but I was pretty convinced they just had it easier. Each of these reasons seemed utterly true, rational, and valid. And having them dismissed casually by others seemed like they didn't really take me seriously.

After coming out, rereading some of them from older threads of mine and scraps of letters to friends while I was in the process of coming out... I'm wondering how I could ever delude myself into seeing so many problems that in retrospect never even existed. It wasn't a perfectly smooth ride, but the benefits outweigh the gains so massively that all I regret is not doing it sooner.

However, it also means that when I'm talking to someone in the closet, and they give me all the reasons while I had it easy and why it's so impossible for them, there is a certain tendency for me to go over their objections one by one, and insist they're overanalysing, or at least offer alternate routes around them. Knowing how it got better for me just makes me enthousiastic about sharing that with others.

I dare say I try to be diplomatic while doing so, but it's terribly easy to give the impression I'm not taking their concerns seriously.


Of course, some people don't even try to be diplomatic, and then just end up coming across as total jerks, even if their heart is in the right place...