Sexual Orientation: My questioning of my love for him related to questioning my sexuality?

[Anonymous]

Let's start with a little back-story; About 5 months ago, I started talking to this guy online, in a chat room designed for discussion about a certain game. We talked a bit here and there, and nothing initially sparked up, but we talked more and more and grew closer to each other, finding out how many things we had in common. Somewhere along the line, after I revealed to him that I was gay, something developed between us - I wanted to be there for him as much as possible, and he wanted to be there for me. One night, he let 'slip' that he loved me, quickly saying that he meant to say good night before leaving. I say 'slip', because it was basically on purpose - he's not the type to make that big of an error. After that, I had trouble sleeping for two nights - I had feelings for him too, but I was so afraid to admit them. I was afraid that our friendship would be ruined if it turned out he didn't feel the same way, despite that the two nights after he told me, he gave some very strong vibes that signaled he had feelings for me as well.

On the third night, I finally told him I had feelings for him, and he said he felt the same way about me. Needless to say, I was relieved and over-joyed. I'd gotten into a relationship with a guy, one that I had a real connection with. I was walking on air for the first two weeks. Afterwards, though, I started to get nervous and unsure, somehow retracting back into the questioning stage... I'd never kissed anyone before, and as much as fantasizing kissing him excites me, it also makes me really really nervous. I mean, getting intimate with someone? So nerve-wracking... I'd never been involved in a relationship before, either! And fantasizes and reality are two different things, so what if I don't enjoy it as much as I think I do? Despite only ever managing to get hard when I think about guys and watch gay porn, while I feel nearly nothing when I see naked women and watch straight porn. *shrug* I'unno...

We've been talking about meeting, and he thinks he might be able to come up in the beginning of October. Reading that, I got REALLY excited. Like, bouncing in my chair excited. But when I think on it, I wonder if I really love him... I've also been that person who kinda bends to how other people feel and what-not, though granted I've gotten a lot better ever since I started coming out. I mean, he's sweet, caring, a bit socially awkward, I'm not sure how fun he'll be, our sense of humor isn't that different, it just doesn't click here and there. I'm having a odd time of sorting out my feelings. May I ask if someone can help me through this conundrum? I'm not saying you have to decide what my feelings are, just... help me sort through them, at least. Please.

[Lexington]

I think everything you're going through is completely fine and completely natural. In fact, I think it's healthy to second-guess yourself in situations like these. I've run into people who meet others online, and from the get-go, they get stars in their eyes and are positive that absolutely everything is going to be sunshine, lollipops and rainbows. And then if things aren't absolutely perfect, they wonder where the hell it all went wrong.

Try your best to keep yourself on middle ground. If this comes to pass, you'll be meeting a guy. It might go well, it might go not-so-well. You'll find out once he gets there. And hopefully, it'll go great.

Lex

[Anonymous]

OP:

That's... true. Hopefully it goes well. I'm not sure what I'm looking for in a guy, really. If things don't work out between us, though, well, I'm not sure if I'll ever end up with another guy. I never flirt with guys, even though I might have a thing for them, because I feel awkward and get embarrassed. It takes a lot for me to reach out to someone and actually open myself up to them. Which is what I've done with the current guy. If only I wasn't sheltered and shy, and had some more confidence in myself, not to mention I didn't hold myself back so often, then maybe this would be easier. But everything about me just makes it complicated.

But, I'll wait for him. We'll give it a shot and see how it works out.

[Jim1454]

By no means is this your one and only shot at love and happiness. How old are you? I'm guessing that you've still got lots of time to establish that self confidence that you need to meet other people, find new friendships, and date other guys. So don't pin all your hopes on this one guy...

[Anonymous]

I'm 20.

As much as I want to feel more confident, it feels like I'm actually blocking myself from being too confident - feels like I might drive people away if I'm confident. It drives me insane, because my thoughts, feelings, emotions are all conflicted and sending me mixed signals, which is causing me to numb a bit towards other people and be a wall-flower.

There are times when I love myself, and other times when I hate myself. Now I'm even starting to wonder if I've been admiring guys, or if I was jealous of them and wanted to be like them. Hrrnnn....

Well, do I find women sexually attractive? No - I don't understand how guys are attracted to the ass and boobs. At least, it doesn't turn me on. Do I find guys sexually attractive? Yeah. And gay porn > straight porn. So why all this questioning, suddenly? I mean, I have a hard time seeing myself with anyone, except this guy. Sure, I'm an alright looking guy, 'til you get to the face. I look at myself in the mirror, and I just wonder how anyone could really love someone who looked like me. Even if people really do like me... What if that's a facade of mine? I don't know, and it's frustrating.

[Aria]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

Sure, I'm an alright looking guy, 'til you get to the face. I look at myself in the mirror, and I just wonder how anyone could really love someone who looked like me.

Don't say that. I don't believe there are unattractive people, just people who don't take care of themselves. Unless you don't take care of yourself (i.e practice good hygiene and such), it's very possible for someone to love you. And you seem to have a stunning personality which will do more for you than having some model's perfect face.

Confidence will also effect how attractive you feel and appear to others around you. Carry yourself well, feel good about yourself, and you're all set.