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Old 29th Sep 2015, 11:15 PM   #1
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Sexuality confusion

I'm wondering if the lack of boys is making me more queer.
I know that this is a really controversial statement but I'm beginning to think that it genuinely might be the case for me. I never felt ANYTHING towards girls at all until I started going to an all-girls school a year ago when I was 13. I'd had a few crushes on guys before then (although the idea of kissing them always grossed me out).
Since then I have barely any contact with guys that aren't members of my family. I'll see boys on the bus and sometimes I might say 'hi' to a guy from my intermediate but that's almost just about it. And this year I've started developing feelings towards girls, and now I think I might have a crush on one of my girl friends. This has been going on for about six months (the feelings, not the crush).
Also whenever I don't have any contact with girls for a few days- say its a three day weekend instead of a two day weekend, and during that time I don't meet up with anyone- then I'll start feeling attraction mostly towards guys, and think I'm straight. Then when I go to school again, I'll start feeling queer again.
Is this normal? I think it might be a phase but I'm not sure if I want it to be because saying it's a phase seems like saying my feelings are all invalid, and my feelings feel very real. In fact, my crush that I have on my girl friend is way more powerful than any crush I've ever had on a guy.
Thank you!
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Old 30th Sep 2015, 07:28 AM   #2
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Re: Sexuality confusion

People discover their sexualities and experience attraction in different ways. It's probably more like you haven't noticed it before, but even if it is the lack of boys it doesn't really matter; your sexuality wouldn't change because of how you figured it out.

Last edited by baconpox; 30th Sep 2015 at 07:28 AM..
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Old 30th Sep 2015, 07:28 AM   #3
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Re: Sexuality confusion

Sexuality is innate; although your external environment can influence how early on/when/in which way you realize your sexuality, it's not going to change your orientation or create something that wasn't there initially, or vice versa erase attractions that are naturally a part of you.

Throw a genuinely straight girl into an all girls' school and have her stay there for 12+ years or however long and she still won't develop sexual or romantic attraction to other girls. Your feelings are very real, so don't worry about that. Maybe you started feeling things for girls when you started going to an all-girls school simply because it was a more fitting environment for you to realize that innate attraction- and anyhow, 13 is definitely not too old to start having feelings for a gender you might not have felt much for before (or didn't realize before).
I didn't start feeling really much of anything for girls until I was around 13/14 as well, and before then I had "crushes" on guys- they just weren't that serious (nothing much was really that serious in primary school for me anyhow).

I don't think you need to be around a lot of guys to know you're attracted to them either, and I doubt the lack of guys in your life is making you lack that attraction to them most of the time- it just might lessen your opportunity of acting out on those attractions. You probably have an idea if you desire guys sexually and romantically whether or not you're around them a lot or not. Do you want a boyfriend? Do you want to have sex with guys?

It is possible that you're bisexual and it's just your attention/focus and the direction your focus can go that changes depending on environment. It is also very possible you're gay, and being in an all-girls' school doesn't invalidate that a single bit. Like I said above- sexuality is an innate thing- the environment can't change that, it can only change when/how you realize your orientation, how you feel about it, and how you're able to act on it, etc. When you have a long weekend away from school, do you feel attraction towards guys or do you just think about them more/pay attention to them more? They aren't the same things. Just take some time to think about what you want, and know that how you feel isn't invalid or fake because of your external environment.
Good luck.
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Old 30th Sep 2015, 02:44 PM   #4
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Re: Sexuality confusion

Omg I so relate to this. I used to think about guys all the time when I went to a mixed school but now I go to a girls school I have started to just think about girls and guys are starting to seem so irrelevant to me lol. I feel gayer every day. I feel like if I'm getting these feelings so strong and I'm starting to see some things in my past that lead to this, I must be bi. Though for me, now the attraction has surfaced it continues into the school holidays. Anyway, I think it's safe to assume like me that you may be bi, though I'm still feeling odd about that since it all seems so sudden and I keep thinking for small moments that its a phase - but really, if our feelings are this strong that we have come on here to get it off our chests, it's obviously not something thats going away is it. If the attraction for guys really persists like your saying then you're more likely to be bi than gay for sure.
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Old 30th Sep 2015, 06:15 PM   #5
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Re: Sexuality confusion

If you feel sexual attraction to both guys and girls, you may be bisexual. But the school situation is not turning you that way. You might never have felt it clearly before because you were very young, and are still going through puberty. Sexuality takes time to develop, and plenty of people don't feel a sexual attraction to ANYBODY before they're teenagers. It's a hormonal thing, not about changing your preference.

As was said above, if you were totally straight you could be locked in a room with nothing but girls for 25 years and it wouldn't make you find them sexually attractive. People in prisons experience this all the time - they may choose to act on their sexual urges with whomever is in there with them who has the closest features to the opposite sex if they're straight, but it's never going to make them actually feel INTO the same sex unless they already had that inclination inside to feel that way. They will picture someone of the opposite sex while doing it, and will want access to straight pornography or erotica if they can get it. Straight people who get out of long terms in prison, who were sexual with someone of their same sex just to deal with the sexual urges, then go right back to being exclusively with the opposite sex when they're out, and don't find remembering prison times with the same sex to be a turn-on. But people who are gay, or bi, might realize their attractions when confined to being with the same sex for long periods of time in the same space.

Either way is perfectly fine. It's just about learning what makes you happy. Being a successful adult depends upon how well you learned what makes you happy when you're younger. If you think on this for a few years, and you find that being with women makes you as happy, or happier, than being with a man, that's totally fine. If you find out the opposite, that is also totally fine. The key is to learn what works for you personally, and then live your life accordingly.
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Old 1st Oct 2015, 06:02 PM   #6
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Re: Sexuality confusion

Thank you everyone, your responses have made me feel a lot better!
I guess one thing that makes me feel more confused is that my feelings for girls feel differently to my feelings for guys. If I am thinking about kissing a girl then I get these sort of feathery, light, gentle feelings. Whereas if I think about kissing a guy the feelings tend to be more solid and hard and steady.
It's hard to explain.
Is this normal for bisexual people?

Also when I said before that when I'm not around girls for a while I feel more straight, I mean that if I see a guy on the TV I might be attracted to him but I won't be attracted to the girl, or not as powerfully.
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Old 2nd Oct 2015, 12:06 AM   #7
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Re: Sexuality confusion

Picking up on the TV thing, though this probably isn't any sort of accurate test, what are your celebrity crushes? I find that almost all of mine are female but some are male; a bisexual should probably have some sort of mix. Also I think the general concesus is it's okay to be bi and not be "as powerfully" attracted to one of the genders, as you said. That's where the kinsey scale comes in; anywhere in between gay and straight could be bi.
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Old 2nd Oct 2015, 01:49 AM   #8
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Re: Sexuality confusion

you know what? I can genuinely relate to each and every word you wrote! i was reading and it felt like, how is it possible that someone else lived exactly the same moments as mine?

I studied to all-girls school for 2 years only and it changed my life entirely. before that I was in co-ed school. Dated guys, had no romantic/sexual feeling for girls. and then I shifted to all-girls school and found out that my intimate connection with girls are much stronger than with guys!

Let me tell you something, no one turns homosexual. It stays somewhere within you, and something triggers it out of you in some way. Doesn't matter what situation you are in, if you know truly that your feelings for the same gender is not a fling/phase/hormones/curiosity, then yes, it's your true identity.
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Old 3rd Oct 2015, 01:12 AM   #9
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Re: Sexuality confusion

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Originally Posted by SHACH View Post
Picking up on the TV thing, though this probably isn't any sort of accurate test, what are your celebrity crushes? I find that almost all of mine are female but some are male; a bisexual should probably have some sort of mix. Also I think the general concesus is it's okay to be bi and not be "as powerfully" attracted to one of the genders, as you said. That's where the kinsey scale comes in; anywhere in between gay and straight could be bi.
Most of my celebrity crushes are guys tbh, although I do have one or two girl ones. Thanks though!
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Old 3rd Oct 2015, 01:16 AM   #10
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Re: Sexuality confusion

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Originally Posted by || Kheya || View Post
you know what? I can genuinely relate to each and every word you wrote! i was reading and it felt like, how is it possible that someone else lived exactly the same moments as mine?

I studied to all-girls school for 2 years only and it changed my life entirely. before that I was in co-ed school. Dated guys, had no romantic/sexual feeling for girls. and then I shifted to all-girls school and found out that my intimate connection with girls are much stronger than with guys!

Let me tell you something, no one turns homosexual. It stays somewhere within you, and something triggers it out of you in some way. Doesn't matter what situation you are in, if you know truly that your feelings for the same gender is not a fling/phase/hormones/curiosity, then yes, it's your true identity.
It's so nice to find someone who relates! Most LGBTQ people are attracted to men and/or women from when they're little and I was so confused when I first started having feelings for girls because that had never happened to me before. That makes me feel a lot better so thank you. My problem is even though the feelings feel real, I can't tell if they are a fling, phase or hormones.
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