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Anonymous Sexual and Romantic Orientation If you are unsure of your sexuality, post here for support and advice. If you have concerns about coming out, please use the Coming Out Advice forum.

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Old 29th Aug 2010, 03:44 PM   #1
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Default How do you know what your sexuality is?

Hello.

I've identified as straight (with a slight leaning) all my life, I've only ever had real relationships with women, I've had the odd sexual relationship with a few guys but nothing serious, being intimate in a non-sexual way always made me uncomfortable with men. I've been single for about a year since breaking up with an ex, and I've had absolutely no attraction to women since, so I've seen a couple of guys, and nothings changed I still can't be intimate with them and it ruins pretty much anything relationship wise after a while. Is that normal? How did you know you know you were gay and is there anything I can do to stop feeling strange in intimate situations?
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Old 29th Aug 2010, 04:00 PM   #2
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Default Re: How do you know what your sexuality is?

Sexual attraction and intimacy are different things, and sexuality can be complicated and nuanced.

A part of any attraction is the psychological component of one's self-perception. Since you aren't sure where you fall on the spectrum yet, there's likely some resistance to the idea that you might be gay, so it's very possible you're essentially, unconsciouly, blocking openness to that at some deeper level... though it's clear you're consciously at least open to the idea since you've had relationships with guys.

One of the best ways to explore this is to look at where your attractions lie when you're out and about. Do you find yourself looking at women more? men? both? When you watch porn, are you looking at the guys or girls more? What body parts most excite you? Who do you fantasize about while masturbating?

All of these are a window into what's going on in your unconscious as far as your attraction.

Now... as for the issue of sexual intimacy, that can be completely different. Being sexually intimate with someone requires being vulnerable and open, and perhaps that's difficult for you. Also, your comfort with that sort of intimacy can be affected by earlier-in-life experiences, your relationship with your parents, any traumatic events that have happened, and other factors.

I realize i may not be giving you a definitive answer but hopefully it at least points you toward some things you can look at.

If you'd like to talk about this in a less public setting, feel free to PM me.
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Old 30th Aug 2010, 12:06 PM   #3
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Default Re: How do you know what your sexuality is?

For most folks, for want of a better term, "they just knew". They're attracted to one gender a lot more than the other, so they're straight or gay. Or they're attracted to both genders enough that they feel comfortable in saying "bisexual".

I would second Chip's guess (although that's definitely all it is from my side) that you might be gay but having some sort of mental block in going completely down that road. So let me ask. Putting aside any current discomfort in "getting intimate" with another guy (assume you can get over that, for the time being), how do you feel about possibly being gay? Picture being in a relationship with a guy. How does the image strike you? How do you think your friends and neighbors would react to you "coming out" to them? Do you feel that, if you were gay, that you'd somehow "not be normal"?

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Old 30th Aug 2010, 12:35 PM   #4
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Default Re: How do you know what your sexuality is?

Internet history

Gay porn: gay
Straight porn: straight
Both: bi or figuring it out

If you don't watch porn, then it just matters what you think about when you get turned on.
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Old 31st Aug 2010, 09:32 AM   #5
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Default Re: How do you know what your sexuality is?

Quote:
Originally Posted by 4 seat View Post
Internet history

Gay porn: gay
Straight porn: straight
Both: bi or figuring it out

If you don't watch porn, then it just matters what you think about when you get turned on.
Shoot! Using the "4 Seat Scale" I'd register a 6.9 on the Kinsey scale. I think what pulls me back to around a Kinsey 3 is that pretty women nicely dressed in becoming clothes turns me on too! Women in straight porn don't do much for me a'tall.
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Old 31st Aug 2010, 09:44 AM   #6
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Default Re: How do you know what your sexuality is?

if your arroused by the same sex then you're gay, if by the opposite straight, if both bi.
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