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Old 20th Feb 2013, 02:05 PM   #1
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Default Narcissist or Lesbian??? Desperate..

Hi everybody, I'm a 24 years old female, and I have been questioning my sexuality since about two years ago, but now I've almost accepted that I might be a lesbian.
I started seeing a counselor to help me with my doubts . I hoped she could help me to understand if I was really lesbian or if I just convinced myself of being one, but from the first time she saw me, she said that I have narcissistic traits.
In her opinion, I haven't been able to love men because I'm a narcissist and I've only used them as a mirror (because I have this disorder and I need others to have continuous confirms, etc), and I'm so confused about my sexual identity because I don't know who I am due to the disorder.. and she also said that every (straight) woman has dreams of having sex with other women, that is normal, and that she used even to dress male clothes as she was young but she is not a lesbian.
I'm quite desperate, I thought I had understood my real preference but now I'm doubting everything even more than before.
Do you think it is possible that she has no experience with questioning and is confusing things? Are there on EC some queer narcissist that can help me? Thank you so much!
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Old 20th Feb 2013, 02:07 PM   #2
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OP
Just one more question: do narcissist enjoy sex with their partners? Because I have never been really happy having sex with men, my head just went away and I needed to concentrate on myself to have an orgasm.
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Old 20th Feb 2013, 02:20 PM   #3
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Default Re: Narcissist or Lesbian??? Desperate..

uhhh.

well, l'd say a narcissistic woman who is also straight is still going to have an attraction to men even if she doesn't really value them as people. Maybe not the one she is with, but some men at some point.

l know what you mean about the traits, half the reason l liked boys was because they liked me. Not all of the reason, though, l really did feel a deep bond.

l do think some of the motivation in my actually entering into a relationship with them was connected to being selfish.

There's a difference between actively using people to validate you and just enjoying that they admire you...l've never done the former or at least would not do so if l was aware of it. So l think the former is a narcissistic trait. Meaning you seek it from them when it doesn't occur naturally, l guess. l never wanted to force anyone to swoon over me.

But your therapist sounds a little weird, l'm not sure l'd trust her definition of narcissism just going by what else you've said. She sounds like she's projecting her own problems onto you.

So look at yourself and analyze the ways in which you actually are a narcissist, sometimes people get a description of themselves from a professional and cling to it for dear life for reasons l will never understand. Her perception is not your ultimate reality, l don't care how many credentials she has . She is a human being with subjective biases.

But anyway, even if it was the case of you devaluing men, it would NOT cause to have an active, sexual attraction women.

So think about whether being "gay" for you is primarily based in lacking heterosexual attraction or having homosexual attraction.
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Old 20th Feb 2013, 02:32 PM   #4
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Default Re: Narcissist or Lesbian??? Desperate..

OP
Thank you so much! Your answer is really helpful!
Well, I have had attractions to women, and in the last months I'm also quite horny and obsessed with lesbian porn, I constantly search for images of naked women and I like it, I get so aroused by them. I have had a crush two years ago on my female teacher and I started questioning. I always check out women when I'm on among people. I've also lost attraction for men and I can't see myself with boyfriend anymore, in the future, even if I'm in a sort of relationship with a man now, but just because I love him as a brother or a friend. I know it's not right but I'm moving to another country next month so he already knows that our story is going to end.
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l know what you mean about the traits, half the reason l liked boys was because they liked me. Not all of the reason, though, l really did feel a deep bond.
it's what I think it was for me: I had relationships with boys because they liked me and I didn't want to be alone. I was happy that someone found me attractive and loved me.
But now she is saying that this happened because I just used them as mirrors to find myself. I've also read on internet that the narcissist uses people and doesn't care about them, but actually when I understood I wasn't able to love them back I felt like crap!!
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Old 20th Feb 2013, 02:37 PM   #5
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Default Re: Narcissist or Lesbian??? Desperate..

Is your therapist homophobic? I know I'm not your therapist and I don't know the whole story but, based on what you've posted, it seems strange for her to basically say that you're not a lesbian just a narcissist
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Old 20th Feb 2013, 02:47 PM   #6
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Well,I don't think she is homofobic, she told me she has two gay friends who are getting married. Actually, I've a small doubt yhat she could be a repressed lesbian since she told me that all straight women dream about a sex intercourse with another woman, that she used to dress as a male when she was young, and she keeps saying that she is a "phallic" woman. She also told me she had my same doubt when she was young, that is normal for everybody, but then she understood that "those stuffs" didn't interest her , and she married a man and now is happy...
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Old 20th Feb 2013, 02:48 PM   #7
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Default Re: Narcissist or Lesbian??? Desperate..

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OP
Thank you so much! Your answer is really helpful!
Well, I have had attractions to women, and in the last months I'm also quite horny and obsessed with lesbian porn, I constantly search for images of naked women and I like it, I get so aroused by them. I have had a crush two years ago on my female teacher and I started questioning. I always check out women when I'm on among people. I've also lost attraction for men and I can't see myself with boyfriend anymore, in the future, even if I'm in a sort of relationship with a man now, but just because I love him as a brother or a friend. I know it's not right but I'm moving to another country next month so he already knows that our story is going to end.
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l know what you mean about the traits, half the reason l liked boys was because they liked me. Not all of the reason, though, l really did feel a deep bond.
it's what I think it was for me: I had relationships with boys because they liked me and I didn't want to be alone. I was happy that someone found me attractive and loved me.
But now she is saying that this happened because I just used them as mirrors to find myself. I've also read on internet that the narcissist uses people and doesn't care about them, but actually when I understood I wasn't able to love them back I felt like crap!!


Yeah. l just find it weird that she would even tell you her past experience like that. l'm not sure but l think most therapists wouldn't even share that if they wanted to seem like they were objectively analyzing someone. l would think lol...so she sounds a tad unprofessional.

l had long friendships with the men l dated, kept it going with one even after we broke up. So l never damaged anyone. l won't deny enjoying the attention.

l do recognize that l never should have entered into a relationship with any of them but it's not like it started off as some parasitic thing where l just hunted them down and made them worship me.

l don't have a ton of experience with true narcissists but the one l think l've known doesn't form bonds with people that aren't entirely based on her own qualities and you can tell that even her own "good friends" she doesn't really hear what they say and doesn't even really know the people.

Even though she's known them for years, couldn't really describe the people to you. She will probably be abandoned someday because there is nothing really securing her to anyone, there's no reason for people to truly like her.

Anyway l think it's drastic for your therapist to say that, especially concerning sexuality
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Old 20th Feb 2013, 03:03 PM   #8
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Default Re: Narcissist or Lesbian??? Desperate..

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l had long friendships with the men l dated, kept it going with one even after we broke up. So l never damaged anyone. l won't deny enjoying the attention.

l do recognize that l never should have entered into a relationship with any of them but it's not like it started off as some parasitic thing where l just hunted them down and made them worship me.
I think I haven't really hurt anyone too...maybe just one guy but maybe because I was his first time and overreacted a bit...Well, I admit I could have some narcissistic traits ( I want to seduce almost everybody so that I can fell the control, I am really sensitive to critics, I use exteriority to impress, etc) but now she has created a huge mess in my head because I can't understand anymore if I'm only a lesbian and she was wrong, if I'm a lesbian narcissist, or if I'm only narcissist.
What really bothers me is that I have passed 2 years questioning my sexuality , have come to the conclusion (and quite accepted) that I could be a lesbian, and now she tells me that I'm not gay, just narcissist, and I'm devastated... ufhfh
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Old 20th Feb 2013, 03:06 PM   #9
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Default Re: Narcissist or Lesbian??? Desperate..

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Hi everybody, I'm a 24 years old female, and I have been questioning my sexuality since about two years ago, but now I've almost accepted that I might be a lesbian.
I started seeing a counselor to help me with my doubts . I hoped she could help me to understand if I was really lesbian or if I just convinced myself of being one, but from the first time she saw me, she said that I have narcissistic traits.
In her opinion, I haven't been able to love men because I'm a narcissist and I've only used them as a mirror (because I have this disorder and I need others to have continuous confirms, etc), and I'm so confused about my sexual identity because I don't know who I am due to the disorder.. and she also said that every (straight) woman has dreams of having sex with other women, that is normal, and that she used even to dress male clothes as she was young but she is not a lesbian.
I'm quite desperate, I thought I had understood my real preference but now I'm doubting everything even more than before.
Do you think it is possible that she has no experience with questioning and is confusing things? Are there on EC some queer narcissist that can help me? Thank you so much!
i have big doubts that you are Narcissist.questioning your own reasoning does not fit that story. .i cant say you are not but i dont think she knows what the hell shes talking about ( need others to have continuous confirms?)(she also said that every (straight) woman has dreams of having sex with other women?)wouldn't that mean that all woman are bi and there's no straight woman.try a new counselor .
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Old 20th Feb 2013, 04:08 PM   #10
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I read a lot about narcisissts and I'm so scared. If that is my problem I will never be able to love, and I desperately need to really love someone. It's so sad, life is not worth living if I won't be able to love...
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Old 20th Feb 2013, 04:13 PM   #11
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Default Re: Narcissist or Lesbian??? Desperate..

I think you are gay. It sounds like you would be sure of it if your therapist weren't saying otherwise.

I also think your therapist is very likely in denial of her own sexuality, and therefore will not be able to help you--her denial will interfere. You should get a different therapist.
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Old 20th Feb 2013, 07:53 PM   #12
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Default Re: Narcissist or Lesbian??? Desperate..

Um, I'm going to suggest actually getting a different counsellor.

From what you've written here it sounds like she's not a good fit for you. A counsellor should not be labelling you with anything the first time they meet you, as they're... well... just meeting you for the first time. People are often not themselves the first couple of times they meet with a counsellor - so if one tries to label you in the first meeting, that's a sign that they're not going to be good for you.

It's also coming across like she's trying to tell you what to think, and blocking off any probability of her being in the wrong. I think you need to find someone new who would be more open to discussing the things you want to work through, instead of trying to direct you in the direction they want you to go.
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Old 21st Feb 2013, 12:46 PM   #13
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Default Re: Narcissist or Lesbian??? Desperate..

OP

Yes, maybe I should find an openly LGBT friendly counselor. Do you think it's possible that she has mistaken the fact that I don't really know who I am (because I've lived 23 years thinking of being straight), so my questioning, with something else? That she thinks that I'm in need of months of therapy because my identity needs to form, while is actually normal to be this way while questioning?
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Old 21st Feb 2013, 01:08 PM   #14
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It's definitely possible. Especially if she has no experience with someone going through the questioning stage (or isn't accepting of it).

When you're questioning your sexual identity it's not really a clear-cut process at all, and it can be different for everyone that goes through it. It doesn't completely destroy your identity, but it can cause you to have to reform how you see yourself if you previously saw yourself as nothing but straight.

A LGBT-friendly counsellor would be a lot more help with working through this stage in your self discovery. It'd definitely be a lot less stressful too.
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Old 21st Feb 2013, 04:33 PM   #15
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Default Re: Narcissist or Lesbian??? Desperate..

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Hi everybody, I'm a 24 years old female, and I have been questioning my sexuality since about two years ago, but now I've almost accepted that I might be a lesbian.
I started seeing a counselor to help me with my doubts . I hoped she could help me to understand if I was really lesbian or if I just convinced myself of being one, but from the first time she saw me, she said that I have narcissistic traits.
In her opinion, I haven't been able to love men because I'm a narcissist and I've only used them as a mirror (because I have this disorder and I need others to have continuous confirms, etc), and I'm so confused about my sexual identity because I don't know who I am due to the disorder.. and she also said that every (straight) woman has dreams of having sex with other women, that is normal, and that she used even to dress male clothes as she was young but she is not a lesbian.
I'm quite desperate, I thought I had understood my real preference but now I'm doubting everything even more than before.
Do you think it is possible that she has no experience with questioning and is confusing things? Are there on EC some queer narcissist that can help me? Thank you so much!
Here's the deal: everyone's a narcissist.

My apologies. I recently fell for a psychiatrist. They are f***ed up people who project their own pathologies on others. They use diagnosis as a means to dominate people. If it were up to them, everyone would be drugged or in therapy. Call the itch a bigot and find a LGBT specializer.

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Old 21st Feb 2013, 06:08 PM   #16
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Default Re: Narcissist or Lesbian??? Desperate..

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and she also said that every (straight) woman has dreams of having sex with other women
What the... I don't believe this is true.
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Old 21st Feb 2013, 06:13 PM   #17
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Default Re: Narcissist or Lesbian??? Desperate..

but now I've almost accepted that I might be a lesbian.

I read this in your first line and chuckled. You ALMOSTaccepted that you MIGHT be lesbian.
What, almost and might means what? The counselor sounds a bit odd. You are a lesbian as far as i can see. hugs sweetheart.
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Old 21st Feb 2013, 06:42 PM   #18
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and she also said that every (straight) woman has dreams of having sex with other women
What the... I don't believe this is true.
Fantasies are not always a reflection of one's sexuality. One's fantasies do not always represent one's wishes or desire. There are asexuals who fantasizes about sex. There are heterosexuals who fantasizes about the same sex. Also, there are autogynephilic/autoandrophilic fantasies that is to be considered. I am a man who fantasized about being a beautiful woman having sex with men.
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Old 21st Feb 2013, 06:52 PM   #19
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Default Re: Narcissist or Lesbian??? Desperate..

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Quote:
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What the... I don't believe this is true.
Fantasies are not always a reflection of one's sexuality. One's fantasies do not always represent one's wishes or desire. There are asexuals who fantasizes about sex. There are heterosexuals who fantasizes about the same sex. Also, there are autogynephilic/autoandrophilic fantasies that is to be considered. I am a man who fantasized about being a beautiful woman having sex with men.
Yes but the OP said EVERY straight woman. That's bullsh**. I don't even believe that's the case for every lesbian.

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Old 21st Feb 2013, 06:57 PM   #20
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Fantasies are not always a reflection of one's sexuality. One's fantasies do not always represent one's wishes or desire. There are asexuals who fantasizes about sex. There are heterosexuals who fantasizes about the same sex. Also, there are autogynephilic/autoandrophilic fantasies that is to be considered. I am a man who fantasized about being a beautiful woman having sex with men.
Yes but the OP said EVERY straight woman. That's bullsh**. I don't even believe that's the case for every lesbian.
Oh... I missed out on the every. Apology.
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