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Old 12th Apr 2014, 02:51 PM   #1
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homophobic friend doesn't believe that i'm capable of feeling love because i'm queer

long story short, i was in love with my best friend for five years. when i told my other friend, who was raised by a homophobic family, she swore that i was crazy for possibly thinking i loved a girl and tried to convince me that i was wrong. this eventually led to us not being friends anymore for a good two years, and we just recently got back in touch and we're on good terms EXCEPT...she still thinks i was never in love with my best friend and still thinks i have no idea what love is. despite the fact that being in love with my best friend nearly destroyed me, threw me into a huge depression because she would never love me back because she's straight, wanted more than anything in the world for her to be happy, pined over her for YEARS, etc etc etc. all of these issues were completely swept under the rug by my other friend and it fucking hurts to not be taken seriously by someone who's supposed to be your friend.

my friend thinks i was just "confused" and "mistaking love for admiration." she even accused me of being jealous of my best friend and confusing that for love. what? then she went off on a big tangent about how "there are different types of love maybe you just felt one of those but i really just don't see how you were in love with her!"

meanwhile this friend is constantly getting into shitty abusive relationships and thinks that because i'm a virgin i must have NO IDEA what it's like to "really" love someone. her definition of love is so fucking convoluted and harmful and cheap, she's NEVER taken me seriously for being a virgin and now she doesn't take me seriously for being queer. and it fucking pisses me off. because my love for my best friend was to this day the most intense, all-consuming feeling i have EVER felt for anyone in my entire life and to have that belittled and made fun of makes me see red.

logically i know that as long as i understand the feelings i had for my best friend (who is to this day the ONLY person i've ever been in love with) then it shouldn't matter if someone else doesn't believe me. i don't have to prove myself to anyone. in my rational mind, i know that very well. but this is seriously annoying me because i KNOW the only reason she doesn't think i was in love with my friend is because we're both girls. the homophobia factor in this argument is what gets to me the most because i know that if my best friend had been a boy and i told my other friend that i was in love, she would have believed me in a heartbeat solely for the fact that it would have been a straight relationship, the only "acceptable" relationship in my friend's eyes.

i don't know, i have this really bad habit of dwelling on stupid shit and this is one thing that keeps popping up and annoying me at random times and i'm not really sure how to cope with it. i'm so sick of not being taken seriously for being bisexual, i'm sick of being told that my feelings aren't valid, i'm sick of my straight friend thinking she understands everything there is to know about love (one time a few years ago she even told me that she just doesn't believe the two people of the same sex could EVER feel love for each other, and i still haven't gotten over that. she even said that unrequited love DOESN'T EXIST because "love only exists when the other person loves you back." what an enormous crock of shit.)

any advice from anyone who's been in a similar situation? it would be hugely appreciated because i'm grinding my teeth at the moment from being so incredibly annoyed.
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Old 12th Apr 2014, 02:55 PM   #2
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Re: homophobic friend doesn't believe that i'm capable of feeling love because i'm qu

oh yeah and she also had a threesome with her husband and another girl, so NOW she thinks she even knows everything there is to know about the LGBT community and even condescends me about that. she is a straight woman and is trying to educate ME about what it means to be queer. i just. WHAT. i'm at my wit's end here with how incredibly bigheaded she is about EVERYTHING.
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Old 12th Apr 2014, 02:59 PM   #3
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Re: homophobic friend doesn't believe that i'm capable of feeling love because i'm qu

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oh yeah and she also had a threesome with her husband and another girl, so NOW she thinks she even knows everything there is to know about the LGBT community and even condescends me about that. she is a straight woman and is trying to educate ME about what it means to be queer. i just. WHAT. i'm at my wit's end here with how incredibly bigheaded she is about EVERYTHING.
It sounds like if she is being like that, it may be time to part ways. Being treated like that is damaging, and you have to look after you. If they are disrespecting your identity then how healthy of a friendship can it be?
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Old 12th Apr 2014, 03:46 PM   #4
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Re: homophobic friend doesn't believe that i'm capable of feeling love because i'm qu

Maybe she thinks so strongly about the issue because she feels threatened. She downplays lgbt people's feelings as "not real love" maybe to convince her very bi-curious self that it is "not real love" hence she can't be lgbt so to speak.

So maybe you can ask her "so, why are you putting so much energy in being against lgbt people?". Really, if she wasn't so threatened she wouldn't make such a big deal.
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Old 12th Apr 2014, 03:53 PM   #5
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Re: homophobic friend doesn't believe that i'm capable of feeling love because i'm qu

OP here, thank you guys for replying, those are some really good points. it just sucks because we just got back in touch not even a few months ago and we just had our first real hangout and it was going great until the topic of me having loved my best friend came up again. that was when things got tense and it really put a damper on my whole night since i kept dwelling on it. it really makes you see someone differently when they remind you that they aren't as open-minded as they say they've become over the years. (she thinks her big threesome has made her super progressive and totally in the know about the LGBT community even more than LGBT people and that's just. laughable to me, to be honest.)

but i'm going to try not to let it get to me. i think she does feel threatened to an extent, and she's always sort of gotten off on telling people how they SHOULD feel about something. i DO remember, though, a few days after i told her how i felt about my best friend, she said, "you know, if you ever have feelings for me you can totally tell me." when i refuted having any feelings for her (nicely, of course, i didn't want to be a jerk) she got weirdly bitter and that was things started getting a bit icky. i think that might say a lot about why she is the way she is.

i need to just stop being so sensitive and constantly dwelling on negative things but it's so hard when i always feel so undermined by everyone.
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Old 12th Apr 2014, 04:01 PM   #6
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Re: homophobic friend doesn't believe that i'm capable of feeling love because i'm qu

There are porn starlets that find being gay inappropriate...
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Old 12th Apr 2014, 04:19 PM   #7
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Re: homophobic friend doesn't believe that i'm capable of feeling love because i'm qu

She's a jerk. I would get rid of her if I were you.

I've met more straight people that don't know what love is, but if I said that two people of the opposite sex can't ever fall in love, I'm sure it would be offensive.
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Old 12th Apr 2014, 05:35 PM   #8
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Re: homophobic friend doesn't believe that i'm capable of feeling love because i'm qu

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oh yeah and she also had a threesome with her husband and another girl, so NOW she thinks she even knows everything there is to know about the LGBT community and even condescends me about that. she is a straight woman and is trying to educate ME about what it means to be queer. i just. WHAT. i'm at my wit's end here with how incredibly bigheaded she is about EVERYTHING.
Sounds like my friend She had a 3some as well with her boyfriend and another girl and she did because he asked for it . She had the nerve to tell me that I didn't try enough penis and I need to have sex with men and if one does me just right I will fall for him . You'll find the right man some day . It sickens me these straight women that know nothing about being lesbian and just think it's all about porn crap want to tell other lesbians how they should live their lives . I think it's best to ignore them when they act like that but your friend is worse than mine because she seems to be pushing it on you .
I agree with fallen ditch her
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Old 13th Apr 2014, 06:15 AM   #9
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Re: homophobic friend doesn't believe that i'm capable of feeling love because i'm qu

Wow... DITCH that friend ASAP! She is annoying me and I never met the girl. She isn't worth your time or breath!
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Old 13th Apr 2014, 06:30 AM   #10
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Re: homophobic friend doesn't believe that i'm capable of feeling love because i'm qu

She really does sound like one of those types of people you'd be better without...
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Old 9th Jul 2014, 06:37 PM   #11
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Re: homophobic friend doesn't believe that i'm capable of feeling love because i'm qu

At times, I wish this statement was true so I can stop having feelings for people.
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Old 9th Jul 2014, 07:12 PM   #12
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Re: homophobic friend doesn't believe that i'm capable of feeling love because i'm qu

You're a fool for calling such a horrendous person a 'friend'.

Stop wasting your time on them. You can do better.
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Old 9th Jul 2014, 07:30 PM   #13
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Re: homophobic friend doesn't believe that i'm capable of feeling love because i'm qu

Cut her out of your life, seriously, she isn't someone you need around.
She invalidates your feelings and acts superior, that's not what friends do.
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Old 10th Jul 2014, 08:51 PM   #14
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Re: homophobic friend doesn't believe that i'm capable of feeling love because i'm qu

Okay, so what you're going to want to do is buy a throw pillow and pay in cash. Then you wait until she's sleeping and smother her with it. As soon as she's not breathing run out of her house and hope nobody catches you.

Wait what? What I meant to say was not to talk to her anymore, and if she gives you any trouble, you can kindly suggest she go have sexual relations with herself.
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Old 3rd Apr 2015, 05:26 AM   #15
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Re: homophobic friend doesn't believe that i'm capable of feeling love because i'm qu

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oh yeah and she also had a threesome with her husband and another girl, so NOW she thinks she even knows everything there is to know about the LGBT community and even condescends me about that. she is a straight woman and is trying to educate ME about what it means to be queer. i just. WHAT. i'm at my wit's end here with how incredibly bigheaded she is about EVERYTHING.
What a hypocrit! So, I guess she's capable of having sex with another woman but not loving one? Yikes... I wouldn't want to be around someone like that. It doesn't sound like you like her all that much anyway.
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Old 3rd Apr 2015, 05:28 AM   #16
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Re: homophobic friend doesn't believe that i'm capable of feeling love because i'm qu

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You're a fool for calling such a horrendous person a 'friend'.

Stop wasting your time on them. You can do better.
I agree, but calling poster a "fool" is a bit harsh. It's understandable why the poster would be reluctant to cut her off, when she's an old friend and she got in touch again. Not saying it's ok for the friend to act like that, but I don't think that makes them a "fool".
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