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Old 25th Dec 2011, 05:15 PM   #1
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When your friends lose their virginity before you

I can't be the only one who feels this way. There's an overpowering feeling straight out of the bowels of hell, and that is when one of your friends gets laid before you do.

It's a whole flurry of emotions. You get reminded that you can't have sex yourself. You're reminded that you're already X years (21 in my case) without having had any. You get reminded that there's something terribly wrong with you. Common sense tells you there's nothing remarkable about sex, but you can't help but feel that they've transformed into a higher level of being, forever unattainable for you. It's so overpowering that you're essentially knocked out for the afternoon. It clobbers you and ruins your day. It's awful.

Late virgins only: Am I the only one who feels like this?
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Old 25th Dec 2011, 05:39 PM   #2
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Re: When your friends lose their virginity before you

I'm 23 going on 24 and still a virgin (I'm bi, on both counts virginity) which beyond sucks. I don't like thinking about it that much since it makes me feel like a loser. Been working to get more into shape hoping that'll make things easier for me. However, if that really works in turning from a relatively average guy into a guy girls and guys would latch onto - unsure if I'll reverse and become a total slut lol. Comically that's also on my mind in turning things around that after this many years -- finally getting there might really make me go beyond that point.
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Old 25th Dec 2011, 10:55 PM   #3
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Re: When your friends lose their virginity before you

It's no easier when you're a teenager. I'm 17 and still a virgin (by choice) but I doubt my friends are.
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Old 25th Dec 2011, 11:02 PM   #4
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Re: When your friends lose their virginity before you

Virginity, as a concept, is functionally meaningless. I don't know how helpful it is to think of it that way, but there's really nothing that gets awakened the first time you have sex with another person, nothing that really changes. Sex can still be scary and confusing, can still be a big fucking deal, and you can still feel inadequate. I've had sex a few times and I feel no more sexually adequate than I did before the first time.
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Old 26th Dec 2011, 08:10 AM   #5
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Re: When your friends lose their virginity before you

I wouldn't say I had "entire days ruined" over it, but if it somehow gets called to attention, it is a slightly odd idea to have.
I think it only really hit me on two occasions:

- First time a friend mentioned losing her virginity (I think I just spent 15 seconds blankly staring at her before my brain rebooted again from the minor system crash that caused). Though I think it was also caused by the idea that my friends turned out to have extensive lives that I didn't know anything about, which somehow didn't occur to me beforehand (Then again, turnabout is fair play. She spent 15 seconds staring at me when I came out to her )

- Last friend to lose his. Leaving me the last virgin in my circle of friends. At that point, I really did for a moment wonder whether the universe was trying to tell me something by having all my friends get laid before I even got a serious opportunity.


So no, you're not the only one!

Counterpoints (well, your post implies you know those, but I'm going to list them anyway, just because I can )

- It's statistics. Some are ahead of the age curve, some are behind the average age, and the one defining difference is simply chance. Some met a suitable person earlier than others, or maybe just caved in to the urge earlier. No rhyme or reason to it, and all you need to do is open for suitable people to enter your life.

- Your group of friends is anecdotal. At age 21 you might be late in your group. Among my friends, 21 would have been ahead of the curve (and no, my friends aren't a bunch of undateable nerds. Most of us just didn't rush into it, apparently, despite not lacking in relationships beforehand).

- Being gay doesn't help. Dealing with it basically means you miss out on your first pass at puberty and then have to still go through all of that angstyness a couple of years later. Meaning that if you compare to your straight friends, it's obvious they have a head start.

- I'm reliably told (as Mogget says, above) it isn't exactly all that of a transcendent experience. Fun in it's own way, yes, but I never got the impression that my friends know secret truths of the universe that I don't.
In fact, when sex comes up in conversation, I never get the impression that any of my opinions are less relevant than that of my other friends.


Best way of moving away from that feeling, for me, was to just own it. Much like being gay, it only is an embarrassing secret if you treat it like one. My friends can be pretty open about sex, and I have no qualms being open about my lack of it. It actually is more of an in-joke these days, which made most of the insecurities I used to have about it disappear.
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Old 26th Dec 2011, 09:28 AM   #6
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Re: When your friends lose their virginity before you

I finally got laid at age 25. And I never felt like that. I mean, I understand the basic feelings and mindsets behind it. When my friends got laid, there was jealousy - I wished I were getting laid, too. Earlier on, when I was clueless about my sexuality, I wondered when I would find a woman hot enough to want to have sex with her. And after I figured out I was gay, I wondered how long it would be before I'd find a guy I'd want to have sex with. But I can't say as I ever thought they were somehow transformed into some higher state of being. And I can't say as I ever thought of it as a personal attack meant to remind me that I'd die a virgin because I was somehow "un-sex-able". I mainly just felt happy for them - the same way they felt happy for me when I (finally) got laid.

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Old 26th Dec 2011, 06:31 PM   #7
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Re: When your friends lose their virginity before you

I know exactly what you are talking about. I know that there is nothing special about virginity or shameful. It is more the feeling that they are part of this secret cabal that I will never be admitted to. Its not about how they percieve me but something I want for myself. Sex after all is enjoyable and is a special intimate connection with someone.

Whenever my friends talk about their sex lives I am overwhelmed with envy. For them its just something they get to laugh about but for me especially when I was in the closet, it had a lot of symbolic and emotional baggage behind it -- relating to my sexuality and my fears of being alone ( and not about being a virgin.) Once, when my friends started talking about their favorite sex positions, I couldn't take it and stormed out. I spent the rest of the day moping in my room. I hated them so much.
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