I Kissed A Guy! prt II

[Paralyzer]

Part I => http://www.emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9585

I really really thank you guys for the congratulations and everything from the first thread I made.. but now instead of wanting congratulations, I want advice.. :(


The night after the party, I told my friend (who was the only one at the time who knew about my sexuality) that I went to a crazy party and I kissed a guy. I was excited and everything because I felt like it was a breakthrough for me. He didn't say much.. after a period of maybe 30 mins, I finally got irritated and asked wtf? We soon got into a big arguement, about our friendship. He told me that he doesn't approve of homosexuality and that it was my choice to be gay, despite the fact that he says he accepts me. (Hes known for alteast 2 months now) I got very upset after hearing that.. maybe saying a few things I wish I could take back, because the main point of what I was mad at had nothing to do with his acceptance of me. I was angry at him because he wants to keep his opinions to himself whenever we talk so we don't fight.

Okay, okay.. so far it looks like this can be worked out.. a big misunderstanding right?

Well, if you consider the fact that before I came out to him, all he ever asked for me was my 'secret' so we could be closer friends and have nothing between us.. if you consider this, then you might see my angst. It was hard initially coming out to him but everyone kept playing the 'trust' card on me so I eventually gave in so we could become closer... I really thought we could be better than best friends..

Back to the arguement-
I didn't want him to keep his opinions to himself because I felt like it would violate the whole reason I ever came out to him. We wanted to bond more and share everything with eachother but now he's telling me he wants to keep it inside to 'protect' me. Okay, fine, w/e.. that's not what I want. I want him to tell me, I know his opinions differ greatly from mine (especially since he was raised conservative) but I can manage. All I wanted was for him to tell me regardless but we ended up having a huge fight.

Now I'm basically at the point where I want to delete him off myspace and forget him for good because of all the douchey things he's been saying to me.. taking my problems and making them his own so I have no signifigance.. things like that that really steams my broccolli

<2 weeks later>

Because of his 'betrayel' as how it feels to me, I've been acting somewhat emotional and sick to people because I've got some rage within me.. The girl that liked me at the party, whom is a great friend of mine was teasing me for being angry.. (like using smilies innapproriately) and all it did was remind me of a cold world.. and I basically told her something fucked up about myself and how I wanted to end all my friendships and forget about everyone.. she didn't reply after that (over myspace). She knows I'm fighting with my friend but I can't tell her why cause it would give my 'secret' away..

In order to find some comfort before I wrote this on EC, I forced myself to come out to another one of my friends... one who is actually bi herself.. of course she accepted me but since my circle of friends (in this group) is really tight, I fear my other friend has long before me had a word with her about our fight.. and I fear he may have even told her about my sexuality since we used to talk about how easy it would be to just come out to her. Now I feel like I'm talking to someone who knows more than she gives off and though it may just be my paranoia, I do feel like she's taking his side as she constantly tells me it's a misunderstanding. + My friend taunts me at the end of one of our fights today that 'someone' who cares about him is talking to him anyways.. and I strongly believe it's her.

Not regarding the fight, the boy I kissed at the party wrote me a note last friday that basically said he wants to go out with me.. I avoided him all Wednesday morning (since I missed school on Mon and Tues).. basically making him feel bad so I decided to write to him in 5th period. I wrote him a note that said he is the only one who is aloud to read the note but he can talk about it and what it says to whomever he wants. (for my own more complicated reasons) but the thing is... I kinda forced myself to make a bold move even though I turned him down. At the end of the note, I wrote in very scary letters "THERE ARE JUST SOME THINGS I CAN'T BEAR".. and the note ends
So now, I'm somewhat expecting him to confront me on that so I can perhaps come out to more people.. and the way things are going now, I'm kind of scared of reactions... The friend I snapped at over myspace rides the bus with him so I have no idea what they're gonna be talking about regarding my odd behaviour.....

So.. summary - I'm forcing myself to come out to people to maybe take some stress away, I'm causing people to be scared either for me or of me, and I'm also cursing in front of people.. when before it was taboo for the word 'cursing' and 'Steven' to be in the same sentence.. I've ruined (not soley my fault, I will add.. hopefully) my 6 year friendship with the person I trusted enough to come out to and I'm hacking at a bunch of my other friendships aswell....

On a different note, I am however feeling flirty towards certain guys... as they seem to be flirting with me.. but as a 'straight' guy, everything is ambigious.. and everything usually means nothing. My crush is actually touching me oddly.. like the other day he was fondling the hole in my jeans and today he was messing with my stuff and he even touched my neck.............. I dont' want to get too obsessed with him because I've had a bajillion crushes that amounted to almost nothing (save a few that caused me to learn important lessons in life) but I want to take every chance I get so maybe he'll be my bf..

<END>

Well, thanks for reading.... respond with comfort if you can't think of any advice.. haha.. I really need it right about now. Maybe I'm just detatching myself from my old life and moving on to a more open world.. maybe I'm just chaning rapidly.. but then again, I still haven't come out to my friends so I don't know how open the world I live in already is...

I feel like everyone hates me now and the only incentive I have to go to school tommorow is to see Michael Valentine (I give my crushes nick-names before I even talk to them.. he was named after a Killers song) so maybe we can become closer......

Sorry for typing so much... I'll be suprised to get any response x_x

[LOVEjames]

xD I love you. Don't know you at all, but you seem insanely rad.

As for your friend who you came out to. He's sort of being an asshole. But did you know that he was homophobic before you told him? Not that it's your fault at all, but it's sort of expected. You need to make it clear to him that he can't really be a good friend if he's going to constantly tell you that a huge part of who you are is wrong. Tell him that you came out to him because you need support, not discouragement. Suggest exposing him to a few... homosexual things? I don't really know how to put it. But figure out why he's so homophobic and everything.

And as for turning down the guy that kissed you... not the smartest move. From your other post, it seemed like you sort of like him. I think that you should go apologize to him and try to reconcile things, even if you guys can't be boyfriends.

Coming out by confrontation is probably the worst thing that you can do. You need to come out when it's the right time for you, and come out by telling people yourself, not just by getting in a fight with someone or whatever.

>_> It's 11pm for me, and I'm tired. So I can offer a little more insight later.

[Paralyzer]

Well, haha.. thanks :P compliments apparently make me feel a lot better
though I'm still in confusion as to what makes me so special.. haha

Ever since I came out to him, our relationship started to get rocky... kinda.. sometimes it seemed it got better. I slept over in his room for the 1st time in my life instead of the basement.. and I came over his house a lot more but we have had a ton of arguements. One time, he accused me of trying to make him gay. All's I wanted to do was watch "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" with him since our friends love it and he's never seen it but he absolutely refused.. I guess he's homophobic to stuff like that

I'm just not into the guy I kissed.. he's really not my type.. but I suppose I can maybe talk to him more so he doesn't feel alienated or something.

I'm really sick of being in the closet. sometimes it feels like I was packed into it with the end of a broomstick.. and this is kind of like the easy way out for me. I've been through a lot of emotional pain already and this seems like childsplay. I think I can handle a few more lonely depressingly twisted nights to myself if it means I'll finally be free.
Why do we have to suffer? :( :( :(

[LOVEjames]

It really sounds like your friend needs to get his sexuality in check. If he thinks that he can be 'turned' gay, then something is going on. I'm not saying that he is gay, but maybe he has had some gay feelings for someone before and was told it was wrong, so now he's all like, "OHMYGODHOMOSEXUALSAREWRONG" to everything. One thing I don't get though is like... why are you sort of subjecting yourself to being near him? I would distance myself from him. If you're worried that he might out you to some other people... well, then you should tell them before he has a chance.

And honey, the closet, while filled with fabulous shoes and designer clothes, is still a lonely place because no one is in your closet with you. I agree that coming out of the closet is a good thing, but just make sure that it's on your terms. And think of other people when you come out. A lot of your friends might be upset because they heard from someone else before you told them personally. Coming out is a really personal thing, and like, if you aren't really close with your group of friends and they probably wouldn't mind if you didn't tell them all individually, then you should just sit them down as a group. I can almost guarantee that some of them will be sorta weird about it at first, and maybe you might lose some friends. But I'm sure that your relationship with them will be a lot better. If you come out, then come out to your friends first and then everyone else. You can be the resident gay kid at your school. xD It's fun.

And while I never use emoticons other than the basics, I'll totally give you a hug 'cuz it seems like you need one. <3 (*hug*)

[Quitex]

It really sounds like your friend needs to get his sexuality in check
QFT.
I mean, come on. In the case that I'm straight and you're my friend and you tell me... "I want to watch X TV show with you", I'd say, "Alright man, no problem", because it is a TV SHOW. Not a PORN movie or the KAMASUTRA. Gosh.

I guess the best thing for you now is to let all that anger out, and not with every friend or every known person you have, but with the ones you are really angry. It worries me the thing that you "feel like you want to drop all friendships" because at the end you may be afraid of their negative reactions and the chatting behind your backs. they may not be the best friends overall, but believe me, even a remote person you can call "friend" helps you to not break down as easy.

Do not let your anger our with the wrong people. Understadn that may not even be awared of the problems you're going through.

Coming out to some friends may 1. Make them feel awkward, 2. Make them feel insecure about your feelings towards them or even their own sexuality, or 3. Make them feel like you're abnormal, therefore rejecting you at all times. In a better situation, they may accept you, but that, my friend, will take time. Now, let me ask you a question: Do you want to come out to them because you feel you're ready, or because of the words going on and you dont want them to know from someone else other than you? Even of there are words going on about your sexuality, you should NEVER do something as serious just because of that (Leaving your closet WILL change your status towards your whole school and your friends)

Now, I don't know anything about your parents, but do they know about this? Do they even live with you? Do they really *care* about your feelings? Try talking to your mom. I know it implies coming out to her, but fuck, it is YOUR MOM I bet she already has an idea.

Well, good luck at everything man. I hope my weird post helps you in something.
(*hug*)

[RGX Guy]

That sounds like a lot of drama.
Um, I think that people should come out when it wouldn't bother them at all when everyone knows.

Like one of my friends said she was bi like it was nothing because she fully accepted and embraced it and didn't care if others did and she hasn't had any problems. So yeah.

Just lay low for a while until the fog of all that's happening clears. =]

[InaRut]

I'll offer my comfort. Sounds like you've been through alot lately. And it's probobly really hard on you for stress right now. I suggest you spend this weekend perhaps doing something relaxing. Get your head away from all of your problems you got going on right now and just get yourself calm. You'll think better that way.

A nice walk in the woods should soothe your soul.

Really I think your letting your emotions get the best of you and it's having a negative affect in your lifestyle. Why should many friends suffer over what one friend did. And when that girl was teasing you about being upset she wasn't being cold. I'm sure she was really just trying to make you feel better...People like me joke around when others are upset. It has a 25% succesion rate hahaha.

Really I think your getting way to worked up over all of this. You gotta take it easy dude. Life is short...enjoy it.

[Nicvcer]

Looks like you got plenty of advice already. I'd have to disagree with the part about creating distance between each other. If I did that with my good friend (of one year) now, I'm sure it would end badly, he's having some of the issues your friend is having. I would stay up in his grill, if you truly care about your friendship that is. You've worked on it for 6 years, I'm sure another year of convincing him that homosexuality isn't wrong wouldn't hurt - too much. Staying close to my good friend seems to be helping our friendship, whereas distance almost destroyed it.

First of all, have you asked him how he could possibly dislike gay people if his best friend of 6 years is gay. He hasn't disliked you all the way up to that point...

Watch the movie the Latter Days with him... or something equally as moving. Tell him its really important to you that he see it and if he doesn't want to watch any "Gay" movies after this one then you won't hassle him about it.

Is he religious? If he is, find him some information that you feel would disprove his notions of the bible/qur'an/etc. Find some information on the internet that you feel is factual and is something you can agree with to present it to him. You really need some convincing stuff to get this approach right.

You seem to be moving in a good direction, trying to get to the root of the problem. That is where you will find your answers and hopefully change your friend's mind.

"
I didn't want him to keep his opinions to himself because I felt like it would violate the whole reason I ever came out to him. We wanted to bond more and share everything with eachother but now he's telling me he wants to keep it inside to 'protect' me. Okay, fine, w/e.. that's not what I want. I want him to tell me, I know his opinions differ greatly from mine (especially since he was raised conservative) but I can manage. All I wanted was for him to tell me regardless but we ended up having a huge fight.
"

It looks like when he opened his mouth you didn't manage. He didn't want to tell you because he was afraid his opinion of gays would hurt your feelings. We was protecting you.

Also

"
One time, he accused me of trying to make him gay.
"

The movie is irrelevant. Have you?
Although being gay is not a choice, we all know how straight guys make us melt, and sometimes we go after them, even though it is useless. I for one, made that mistake once. Oops :)
So... Have you?

btw Good Luck! *Hugs*

[Paralyzer]

My mother definately has suspicions, and although I know she won't embrace me, she'll still love and accept me. She's dropped plenty of hints about it.. actually, I'm pretty sure she knows because I made some pretty OBVIOUS slip ups when I was an innocent kid.. X_x My dad however, in his ignorance of both my sexuality and my overall life, will not be so willing to still 'love' me. Telling him may be just what he needs to finally leave us.. I feel like I'm the only one keeping my family together.. actually, I know I am.. but I digress

The thing about my friend is that I know he won't tell anyone. He's found a way to use that against me. He says that he respects someone enough to keep a secret even if they aren't friends anymore.. regardless of their beliefs- which leads me into his religion. (not a big deal but he's christian) He told me his church is teaching him how to take someones arguement and basically tell them they're wrong. I don't even know why he told me that.. but I was shocked to hear that in the first place. The only reason I could even concieve that working was if the church had a STRONG faith in the youth they're teaching it to. I felt like it was another intricate method of keeping homosexuality down :(

He tells me he doesn't dislike gay people, he says he thinks it's wrong.. which is why he has so many bad opinions of what I do now.

The thing about him 'protecting me' is this:
It completely destroys the value of the conversation we should be having..
All he ever says to me now is "hmm, ic, oh, uh-huh" things like that. We aren't even talking until we start to argue. I don't want him to protect me if it means I'm talking to an automated response machine. See the things I have to weigh?
On one hand, I have an unresponsive friend who gets along with me.. though I get nothing from it
On the other hand, I have one less person I have to deal with ignoring me

And NO I haven't been trying to make him gay, I have absolutely NO feelings for him in that manner. If anything, he's gayer than me. He's quite femminine and people pick on him a bit cause they think he's gay. I suppose this is why he doesn't want to hang out with me because people will think he really is gay, but we already had conversations about that when I first came out to him. I told him that they'd believe me more than him since I'm the gay guy (and plus, he sucks at dealing with bullies..[stands up for himself in a way that makes him more vulnerable]) and I THOUGHT he got over it.. but idk, I highly doubt from my experience that this is the current issue of why he wants to keep his opinions to himself. I'm pretty sure it has to do with his beliefs
And for the record, I am not an athiest. I do believe there is a god and we have had talks regarding faith.. but nothing homo related

I begged him to watch the RHPS with me, and that'd be the only thing he'd ever have to unwillingly do for me.. and he refused. He was so close minded that he forced me to shut up everytime I ever brought up the topic making me feel very walked on.

And as for the guy I kissed, I decided to take James' advice and I attempted to comfort him further.... he wrote me a letter explaining that he's sorry and he's stupid for liking me because it's really hard to find someone.....
I wrote back and told him I know.. I know.. I understand.. maybe that will raise the question how am I so understanding.. but from the way things have been going, it'll turn into a flirty thing and I'm just gonna be sucked back into it. I want to come out to people not out of fear or because people are forcing me to. I have a lot of pride and I think I can deal with it.. it's just that all this mass confusion surrounding me seems like my exit from the closet. Why should I waste time covering the cracks in my closet when I'm only gonna break out of them at a later time? I'm just biding my time till the wall crashes and I'm revealed.. -again, I don't think I'll be too distressed exposing my true colors like this.. my friends will be somewhat hush about it but I know they'll tell 3rd party people where then my sexuality will only become a rumour to the school, which is barely acknowledged at my school

On a side thing, I've been writing increasingly personal stuff to my english teacher. Today I wrote to her using my vocab words a few sentences regarding my friend and how he won't accept equal love. I suppose this will get some message across.. but I never really feel like I'm breaking ice.. only scratching it. It's only fantasy to expect her to call me over to talk to her or something. She's the leader of the amnesty international club so if she doesn't like gays than she's corrupt.. (I personally don't like the club for different reasons but w/e)


So thanks for the advice so far, I really appreciate it. I love going on walks..... haha so I think my head is pretty chill at the momment...

I want your guys honest opinion, who do you think is right? At this point I feel like an unreliable narrator for one reason or another. Regardless, you guys are awesome.

[sexyalex]

to be honest, ur not alone. I'm causing people to be scared either for me or of me, i mean, it was like just yesterday when i got a death threat about me being homosexual and it started with school, then it went to the streets so my parents forced me to do a full makeover, i mean they baled my head...changed my wardrobe...even got me a new schoolbag. so i would look different and i maybe just another head in the crowd. :confused:

u probebly just need to have a one on one conversation with the guy ur fighting with and ask him straight out if he still wants to be your friend. :( it might seem harsh but in situations like this drastic approch is neseccery. ask him if he feels uncomfortable being around you and be sure not to pressure him. in fact, if he dosn't wish to speak to you then leave him; but if he does, make sure he tells u the truth.

it's what i would have done anyways.

btw, if the person who kissed you is not the person fighting with you, but the person fighting with u knows about the person who kissed you and the person who is fighting with you has known about ur sexuality before and never acked upon it until now....

ether of 2 things:
1. he dosn't feel comfortable with ur sexuality but just bottled it up all because he dosn't want to seem like a jerk

2. or he has a crush on you.

i mean i wouldn't blame him. even i do too...

[Paralyzer]

he dosn't feel comfortable with ur sexuality but just bottled it up all because he dosn't want to seem like a jerk

^ That's exactly it..

I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a crush on me.. well, to be honest, I'm not so sure about that. He has done some odd things.. that I don't even want to mention cause it rapes my mind when I think about it...
I know he has low faith in me because he told me that he seriously thought I'd stay in the closet forever.. which hurt

I did ask him straight out if he still wanted to be my friend.. he gave to me what seriously seemed like bogus answers so I'm giving up on him. Maybe when he gets over himself and stops telling me that I need to get over myself, I'll talk to him again.

or he has a crush on you.

i mean i wouldn't blame him. even i do too...

:P Thank you :)
I kind of needed someone to tell me that [♥]

I'm sorry about the death threats
It sucks that people don't like to accept others for who they truely are
I wonder what it'd be like if the skeletons in their closet were as obvious to see as we are..


Anyways, yeah, I guess my emotions and stress were getting the best of me..
My friend is still a very stubborn butthole, there is no denying that. I seriously think this is the end of our friendship

The friend I snapped at has apparently forgotten that I snapped at her.. as she regards the subject less and has yet to tell me anything about it

I am, however, planning on cutting some friends loose.. not because I don't think they'll accept me (which I am highly doubtful of), but because they remind me of old days and I act as awkward around them as I did back in middleschool... plus I think they're conspirators! I don't know what it is with my new friends but I'm more energetic and willing to look dumb around them.

The guy who likes me still likes me, he acts incredibly friendly around me.. but he doesn't make moves or anything. I think things will work out as us as friends... and I hope that the next party won't involve me kissing him again because now there is tension where before it was all for fun.

I write WAYYYYYYYYY too much... I kinda feel like I'm talking to myself.. which I guess helps.. haha.. but seriously, thanks for all the advice/support/congrats I've gotten thus far.

And though I may be cooling down on forcing myself to come out to people (atleast the idea of it anyways, since I only came out to one person like that thus far) I do plan on coming out to the friend I snapped at tommorow so maybe we can talk about what's going on between me and my friend.

wish me luck?
(remember, she's the one who likes me.. but hates herself for it.. and is slightly conservative like the guy I'm fighting with.. but she hangs around gays a lot more than he probably ever will so I expect things to go a little better.)-She tells me a lot that she's glad I'm not gay.. but.. I guess I'll have to crash her dreams

Dayum, if this doesn't work, I'll have to give up who I am and grow the interest to join the Japanese club just to hang out with all the bi people there despite the fact that I'm not really interested in both the club and the people.. and most are girls anyways :(
(No offense Japanese)