being a submissive top, how do i explain it?

[Anonymous]

I used to be a raver, then i kinda, did, give it up. Hit the burner (burningman) scene. Gained a 100 pounds and went from ultra skinny and muscular to beefy and well built(lotsa booze wa sinvolved). Got called a bear a lot. I satrted saying i was a teddy bear then.

My first real bf, a complete and total bottom, he expects me to be a total top, a real sexual dynamo. and while ive never liked being a bottom, i dont feel like a "top". like i like it, but that i the "bear" thing. Being the "top" even if i prefer to have him on top, "riding" my member.

Ive told him time and again, that i like it, love it actually, but im never agressive enough in bed for him and it really bothers him. he thinks im cheating. wtf do i do?

I cant convince him im not. Im just not an agresive o rpassionate top.

[Anonymous]

I can understand what your talking about. My bf and I are both versatile... and when I'm 'top' I actually prefer to have him 'on top' - I'm not a really aggressive top. But in our case he seems to enjoy that more anyway - so it works out for both of us.

I think you just need to do what you're doing - keep talking about it, and try to find a happy medium that you are both OK with. If you relate on a whole lot of other levels, and it's just the sex that isn't perfect, I'd say you're doing OK. But if sex is a central element of your relationship and this is a deal breaker for him, then you'll both need to look for new partners. I don't think you should be asked or expected to be someone or something that you're not.

Good luck.

[Louise]

Lexington said it all in another thread recently. What he said basicly is that any relationship requires compromise and sometimes doing things that we don't especially like just for the pleasure of our partners. You have to know where your limits are, points you can give in on and points which are non negociable for you.

If you really aren't compatible in bed, sooner or later this will become a serious problem. You have do decide if sometimes, for the pleasure of your b/f you can be the agressive top he needs and if he can accept that sometimes you are a submisive top. You can only sort this out by talking to each other. You need to ask yourself how important this problem is to your relationship.

[joeyconnick]

It's kinda disturbing that he has accused you of cheating on him simply because you're not pushy/aggressive in bed. That rings warning bells for me because I can see him being disappointed, fine (although as others have said, *boo hoo hoo* for him... sometimes we aren't perfect partners for each other and you just suck it up and try to make the best of it), but it's a completely different thing to accuse your partner of cheating on you when it's just a sexual style compatibility issue.

I wouldn't stay with someone who reacted like that to what was going on. If you do want to stay with him, you might want to try some way to express how hurt you are that he would make such a serious accusation when you're simply being who you are.

But yeah, communication is the key. Plus you could try role playing, which I know is awfully intimidating to initiate but might help both of you meet each other's needs. If it's kinda done as fun and games it can sometimes help you get into the mode your partner wants.

And I'm betting I could probably, in your position, channel some of my frustration with his accusations into aggression. :icon_twis Sometimes it's fun to be aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Id honestly thought i was in love with him, I dunno know. Apparently sex is a much bigger thing for him than me.

Im 25 and "came out of the closet, or at least started going with guys at parties at 21" and never had a real bf before this. I dont really know how to handle any "relationship" over a few hours long in a motel 6. Weve been together just under a year now and mainly..just fight anymore.

Anymore, with the last few months of more fighting than anything else, i just want to snuggle, but its never enough, as i completely dont feel like sex when hes been yelling earlier at me.. We live an hour away from eachother, so we used to spend the weekends at eachothers. Not anymore.

I dont know what i can really say, im just a big guy, ive worked as a construction worker, a bouncer, a roady, but im just a very passive top when it comes to bed. I get squicked when i get yelled at and am hiding behind this annonymous posting now, wondering wtf do i do. Im a different, agressive guy at work, but totally different at home. I dont want to dump him, but i know i cant take things as they are for long.

[Lexington]

Yeah, I can relate, too. I'm a "versatile top" but I'm certainly not the aggressive type. Sure, it's fun to be dominating once in a while, just to shake things up, but I can't play that role every time. I prefer to slip into bed as equals, and maintain that, no matter whose body part ends up where.

How do you explain it? To him? Or to the next guy? It sounds like you DID explain it to him. Assuming you told him what you told us. And it sounds like that's not what he wants or needs in bed. Honestly, it doesn't sound like you'll have to dump him - it appears the relationship is going to come to an end naturally any day now. It might be best to call it quits now, rather than drag it out. No use putting yourself through more emotional battering than you need to. Then you can go in search for someone who likes to snuggle and bottom at the end of the night (and there's plenty of those), and he can go in search for a dominant top (not as many as those, from what I've seen).

You say this is your first relationship, so don't fret over it. Quite often, the first relationship is a learning experience. Where you figure out what to do, what not to do, and how to interact in close proximity with someone. Sometimes, folks work it out quickly enough that the first relationship is the keeper. That's pretty rare, though.

But thanks, Louise, for quoting me. Makes me feel special. :)

Lex