Feels like my life is falling apart...

[Anonymous]

I'm sure you all read these posts all the time but I have never reached such a low point in my life and I just want to vent basically. I just finished my freshman year of college and my life has never felt so disjointed before. In high school I felt like i had a great group of friends, but really, all my close friends were girls (I'm a guy) and so I'd hang out with them and it was fun, but they obviously didn't treat me like they treated each other. The topic of me being gay has never really come up, but its not that obvious, me hanging out with them all the time is the only real major clue. I did really well in high school and got really excited to go to this great college, but basically everything was the same. Its hard to fit in when most of your friends are girls but they expect you to act like a guy. And guys like you, but think you are too feminine. Its just really tough. I did have some close female friends at college, but they don't know me like my friends at home know me, and my relationships with them kind of fell apart. I'm so terrified to come out, because I don't know what my family will think, but its not just that. I want a normal life more than anything, and I know the second I come out that all goes away. (please PLEASE don't lecture me about what is normal and what isn't, because "normal" in my mind is wife and kids, and that won't ever change). So basically I know it has to happen but I'm so scared.

Basically I couldn't wait to come home to be with my friends from home who know me so well, but I was sad to find it was the same thing that I tried to get away from in college. The girls had all gotten closer, because of sharing their college experiences about boys and stuff, and I couldn't relate. I just feel like I'm sitting back, watching as EVERYONE has the life I want and theres nothing I can do to change it. My friends will grow up together, do everything together, won't include me in most things but don't feel bad about it. And not because they're mean, just because thats whats normal for them. I don't know what I'm trying to say... basically I'm tired of not being included, and not having best friends. I feel like my friends are drifting away from me and theres no way to get close to anyone unless I come out. I don't want to go back to school in the fall knowing everything is the same, so I'd like to be out there too, its just so terrifying. I want to be out, but I don't want to go through the coming out process...


If you've made it this far, you're a saint, I just want to know that others can relate. I'm turning to you because I have nowhere else to go for the first time in my life. I'm nearing rock bottom and I don't know how to pick myself up. Help!

[Quitex]

First of all, (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)

You are going through a lot and I want to talk about two points in particular.

>>>I want a normal life:
Your normal life that is a "Wife and kids" may not come true as literal, but it may be turned into a "significant other *and* kids". I understand adoption is not and won't ever be as near as having your own children, same-sex couples are being accepted legally in more and more states and parts of the world everyday, and that brigns a possibility for you to find someone you love, to get married and to adopt kids. Again, it is not "wife and kids" but it is very similar, and youll have a family to love and a family that will love you.

>>>I want to be out, but I don't want to go through the coming out process...:
Well, I want to raduate, but I don't want to go to classes. Oh, and I want to have a great rockin' body, but I despise exercise. The great things come with sacrifice. And think about it: Working out may be turned into something fun, Classes too, and I know that coming out is a little more complicated and may not be turned into plain fun, but the pain can be lowered down a lot. Before coming out completely, build your self-confidence. A BIG one. The BIGGEST one. You do this by taking care of yourself first. Take a time to do stuff for yourself: taking a job (If you're a teenager and you dont have one already), buying something you want, go to the hairdresser and have a makeover, work out, do charity, YOU name it. It will help you greatly.

And third: Learn to love yourself. You are the most important person in the entire world. You have to look out to the others people happiness, true, but not after YOUR happiness is reached as well.
We care about you a lot. (*hug*)

Jean.

[Lexington]

>>>I want a normal life more than anything, and I know the second I come out that all goes away. (please PLEASE don't lecture me about what is normal and what isn't, because "normal" in my mind is wife and kids, and that won't ever change).

As my grandmother would say, "tough noogies".*

You see the problem. It's obvious to all who take a second to read it.

Given: Normal is "wife and kids".
Given: You're gay.
Ergo, you won't have wife and kids.
Ergo, you're not normal. And won't ever be normal.

So you have two choices.

You can start getting used to being abnormal for the rest of your life.
Or you can start changing your definition of normal posthaste.

Right now, in essence, you think there's something wrong with you. And as long as you do, you're not going to make much progress in anything. You're keeping your cards tight against your chest, and not letting anybody in. So of course you're not going to get any/many friends. Who can be close friends with someone who won't open up about himself?

First things first.
Come out.
Not to your classmates, or your roommates.
To YOU.
Sit yourself down for a talk.
Tell yourself, "I'm gay."
Not as an admission. As a fact.
"I'm gay."
Don't fear those words. They may cause a change in plans, and a shift in how you go about things, but they won't prevent you from doing absolutely ANYTHING you want.
So start saying it.
"I'm gay."

Once you feel comfortable telling yourself, you can work your way up to other people.
But first things first.
"I'm gay."

Lex








* - Actually, she would never say "tough noogies", but if she did, it'd make her even cooler than she already is.

[s5m1]

I agree with Lex. The moment you accept you are gay and can feel good about it,, your whole life will brighten up and you will see all of the possibilities for your life that you are missing. You have one life to live. When it is about over, you can look back and say you lived a happy life or you can realize you wasted it. It is your only life and you can never get it back. Accept who you are and enjoy life. Who cares what others think is normal. We were born this way and there is nothing wrong with that. If someone else does not like it, then that is their problem.

I experienced similar feelings and only accepted I was gay within the last few months. Ever since, I have felt happier than any time in my life. I am forming and deepening relationships with other people. I have met a great guy who I may be falling in love with. I no longer worry about what anyone else thinks of me. Life is good! You can do the same thing if you change your mindset.

[Asteroid]

Hi there! I agree with Lexington and s5m1. The first thing you need to do is to come to terms with your own identity. That might take a while, but you do not need to go alone through this. If at all possible see a counselor at your college or at home. I think it is important that you talk to someone. Talking to a counselor has helped me tremendously in coming out to myself, becoming increasingly comfortable about my sexuality and feeling generally better. It is also important that you take your time with it because at the end of the day, YOU need to feel comfortable with it and feel happy.

I don't want to lecture you on what is 'normal' but it is understandable that you would have a certain definition of what is normal. I mean we all have that because of the way we grow up and are educated. In essence, society forces us to think that 'normal' equals a wife and kids and what not. Try not defining normal on these terms because it will make your coming out a lot more difficult than it really has to be.

Everybody is scared. There is not one person on here who has not been scared about coming out to family or friends at some point. It is scary but if you take one step at a time and one day at a time it will work out in the end. Although having grown comfortable with being gay, and having come out to a friend of mine a couple of weeks ago, I am still scared about what my parents, family and other friends will think about me when I do finally tell them that I'm gay (whenever that day comes).

Take your time with coming out to your friends. You might feel the desire to be closer to them (lets face it who doesn't) but still I would take my time. Although you have the feeling that you are drifting apart from your friends, that you don't fit in, and that coming out to them might change that, there is the possibility that it might not change anything. Do you have some clues on how they might react? Have you given it some thought as to why you want to come out to them (besides being closer to them)?

I think you are being way too harsh on yourself. I'm sure your friends will include you. Sure it happens that some friends get closer over time and share some things that they have in common but if they are real friends that you can count on they will include you because they like you and value your company and friendship regardless of who you are.

I hope this is of some help. Try cheering up. Take it one day at a time. If you feel comfortable with it you could try joining a GLBT group which can also help you with the coming out process.