I Need Everyones Opinon

[Isaac]

(Pease take the time to read this as it is very important to me, and I need advice.)

Every since I was younger I have always heard the stereotype that gay men are all whores. That they sleep around and that the gay community is full of people like that. Now I understand that it is not 100% true and that all gay men are not like that but since talking to older homosexuals or now that I’m starting to get involved in that world (meeting people, talking to them, dating and stuff) they all say that a large part of it is true. Now I know that it is no reason or evidence to support an argument but they have said that many clubs or gay bars they go to, a lot of gay people just meet to have sex, have a lot of one night stands, and they do act as whores. Many clubs do not care about what people do as long as they are making a profit. Here’s where my problem comes in and I'm not sure about something. You can leave a comment about what I said above and I'm not saying that its 100% true or that straight people don’t do it, but you know.

I am not like that at all. I am as people would say "a one of a kind" lol. I don’t really think so but people always say how different I am and how anyone, male or female would love to have me. Again, I don’t think I’m anything special but that’s not the point. I am the type of person who would buy a rose or roses on a first date; I am very respectful, kind, polite, well mannered, talkative funny etc. Here’s the key in what I'm trying to say and what I need advice on. I feel that I'm trying to prove myself as a different "type- of gay". Here’s what I mean. Even gay people or people in the community believe that most gay men are whores, they sleep around, one night stands, and they really don’t care about and stuff. Most gay men do not realize they want something real until they are in their late 20 early 30.

Now I find this frustrating as I'm trying to prove myself to other gay men and even the gay community that I'm not like that. Before it was my friends who would say I'm one of a kind, and all that and now people in the community are telling me that. They say that there are very few people out there who are like me, and very few who are at such a young age. I mean I'm 18 turning 19, and this is how I feel, and I have to prove that I’m a different type of gay. For example, in a heterosexual relationship, Bob has to prove his different then John, a different type of guy. I have to prove that I'm Isaac, and I'm different then Dan, and then prove that I'm a different "type of gay". I know I keep saying it because that’s how I feel.

I have to prove that I'm not going to cheat, I don’t do one night stands, if wont lie to my partner, I am just an honest, hardworking, caring, romantic guy! I don’t know. I have emotional problems or fears that I have trouble getting over and stuff. My last relationship (my first), was not the best experience so I'm a little vulnerable. So I will admit, I may need a little extra attention or re-assurance that I'm not going to be left or cheated on or something. How ever here’s another problem.

Most guys who meet me and stuff are interested in me because I am different. They see that I am one of those very few people out there and so they’re interested in me. My problem is, these (so to speak), type of gays or people who live that life style, expect me to come into their lives and change it. I have to go in and prove there are good gays out there; I have to work to show them I'm different, I have to work to show my love, and I have to work at changing their life. But I want someone to change my life! Maybe I can find someone who lead that life and will do that, I know, I'm just thinking hypothetically, and stuff.

The whole point of writing this is that people have always stereotyped gays as being whores, so I thought we have been fighting to change that. Then I kind of realized it’s real and sort of true and I feel that the gay community itself feels that way. So I have to prove that I'm different from John because of this, and then I have to prove I'm a different "type of gay" and it sucks! I love being different and who I am, but I hate having to work so hard, and having to prove myself all the time! I hate having to end a relationship and be asked if it’s because I’m seeing someone, I hate having to define "Yes, I'm a virgin,", and there response is "Well that’s doesn't mean anything. Gay people can fool around and still be virgins, gay people lie about it,", and I hate that. I have to defend that I'm a virgin!

The guy I was with was an asshole to me. He kept me out, would not let me, he joked about leaving me, cheating on me, he joked about giving me a two week notice, he rolled his eyes when I complemented him, and I just felt so unappreciated and uncared for. I know that I'm looking for someone who will do a bit more for me. Who will hold me in there arms, and someone who takes more of an initiative. I know it’s because I was hurt in the past emotional and because of this relationship even more, so I need a bit more I guess.

I'm 18 turning 19, and this may sound very rare or stupid, but I know that when I meet someone I would like to try for something serious. I’m not saying everyone I meet is Mr. Right, but I’m looking for a serious relationship. I thought, maybe I would date older guys. Someone who’s 22+ who realizes they don’t want to sleep or not sleep around any more, someone who is looking for something serious, someone who will be there for me emotionally and stuff. I don’t know if I can wait till I'm 22+ and date these guys now. I know I went off topic, but I'm just a little frustrated.

It's almost like the gay community or people in the gay community want me to sleep around, to be a whore, to do drugs, drink my brain out, and have one night stands and all this. Gay men expect me to be or have done those types of things and because I am sooooooo opposite of that, that puts even more pressure on me. I have to prove that I’m not, I have to work harder to be different and these types of people or people who lead these lives are waiting for me to screw up, they are waiting for me to be just like everyone else and that’s NOT fair to me, and that pisses me off even more!

Gay men who have or do lead these lives have been hurt so many times and by so many people (well obviously cause they do this), and they don’t trust me. They pass me off and say "We'll see", and because I am sooooooo different their afraid of that. Their not sure if it's an act, or their scared because they think I maybe (which I am) one of those very rare people so their scared to let me in. It just makes things so much more complicated and I’m getting sick of it! People who lead this life are waiting for me to hurt them, they are waiting for me to turn my back, to be like everyone and so they don’t let me in, they don’t talk to me, they keep me out and I hate it!!!

I love just talking with the person I'm seeing. Telling them every fear, every doubt, every happy time, and just being COMPLETELY open and talk about everything. It makes the relationship so much stronger but people who lead this life style will not let me in, they don’t feel the same until after a long time or something and I cant do that. I have to work soooooooo hard to break down their walls, I have to work for them, and prove myself to them, and I can’t do that all the time. I hope that people reading this understand how I feel and what I'm trying to say.

I’m not saying if I was with someone and they had walls up I wouldn’t help them, but people who lead this lifestyle all have the same walls. I’m talking about insecurities or feelings of doubt but people who lead this life look at me so differently because I am different. Its shocking for them to find someone who shares the views I do, thinks the way I do, and at such a young age. I know there are more people out there like me and stuff and its juts kind of frustrating and confusing right now I guess.

I'm not trying to start a crusade here to fix the gay community or to open people’s eyes up but please read this and pass it on. I need to know how people feel about what I'm saying and if they can relate to it. If they can relate to be that different "type of gay", if they are the person who sleeps around or something and is afraid to let people in, if you've met one of those "different" people like myself and stuff and just how people feel in general. I think this is important for people to read and pass on as yes it is about me but the community as well and how it views itself, its members, and how we act towards each other. I know it’s not all true and stuff but I'm realizing a large portion of it is true, and I really hope that A LOT of people read this and that we can all have an open and healthy descion about it. Again, thank you for reading this, and please leave comments about anything and pass it on to friends if you want. I think it’s important to talk about.


Thanks you

xox

Isaac

[Bromptonrocks]

Hi Isaac,

The first thing that comes immediately to mind is be yourself!

I think somewhere along the line you've gained the wrong idea of the gay community. Sure, what you describe goes on but I would say it's in the minority. It also goes on in the straight world, so is not unique to gays.

The majority of guys your age are just as you describe yourself - just look at the EC members! Those that say "we'll see" to you are probably feeling guilty or are jealous of you. You have unique charactersitics that make you who you are. DON'T ever be what you think others say you should be. BE YOU. In due course, you will be noticed for who you are and you will make someone a perfect partner. You have to resist the urge to conform with what you see as the majority. You clearly believe in the qualities you have. People always notice those that are different (good and bad). The conformists always go unnoticed. From what you've written, you're getting noticed for your good qualities. Stop trying to show others you are different - be you. Actions speak louder than words, etc. You won't go unnoticed and for the right reason.

The other thing you need to do which I've mentioned above (indirectly) is to forget your stereotyping of gays. You're painting a poor picture of gays and almost shutting yourself off from any relationships. Don't take this the wrong way, but you're still young. As you get older you will see that your current impression of gays (which you can change now) is/was wrong.

Chill out, be yourself and take it one day at a time. You'll be amazed at how things pan out if you let them. (*hug*)

[Bryan90]

Oh dear.... this is something that saddens me as a gay man... I mean if Isaac, being gay himself, is stereotyping the gay community based on the "church street(toronto gay village) image", how do we expect the straight community not to...

But Isaac, Bromptonrocks is right, there is a HUGE gay community out there, and even in Toronto itself, and I believe I am part of it, that doesn't live for the one night stands and meaningless sex. Perhaps the reason why you've got that impression is that you're getting involved in the clubs and pubs in church street (i presume? if you're in toronto). And even in the straight world, people who go to clubs usually seek out sex.. So it's like trying to find maple trees in the tropical wood..

I assure you, based on empirical experience, that there are tons of gays, even at the age of 18, in toronto itself that seeks out romance instead of sex.

I don't know much about your background, so I can't tell you much. But if you're about to enroll into a University, one of the best ways to meet people like yourself is to join the LGBT club. I am not saying all, but most of the student volunteers are romantics that you would find defying a lot of the "church street stereotypes". If you're not planning to enter University soon, you can send me a message, if you want to, about a little of your background, and I'd probably be able to help you find a youth group that you'd be interested in.

But nonetheless, hang in there alright, if you don't want to be someone who seeks just sex and one night stands.. then don't... Try not to let the peer pressure get the best of you... And trust me, doesn't mean you can't find any maple trees in the tropical woods, that there are no maple trees around.. you've just been looking in the wrong place... :thumbsup:

cheers...

[Trumpetplyer23]

I was just discussing something like this on a different website, so, here we go. Not all gay people are whores, however some are. You'll find that in every sexuality, gay, straight, bi, etc. Let me try and make an analogy, the gay community is like a big box of crayons, there's a lot of different colors in a box of crayons and there's a lot of different types of gay people.

As for clubs, a lot of people at clubs (it doesn't matter if it is a gay or straight club), just want to have sex, as others have stated before me. Clubs aren't really the greatest place to meet people, if you want a long lasting relationship, with all the alcohol and (potentially, but not always) drugs floating around.

Even though I am only in High School, I know plenty of girls that would date any guy as long as he is A, good-looking B, single. Sometimes they don't even care if he is single, if they want it, they'll take it.

However, on the other side of the coin, I know girls (and guys) who want a long, happy relationship and sex is the least of their worries.

This holds true for the LGBT community because we're all human, and we all want certain things. There will be gays who just want to get laid, but there are gays who want a long, happy relationship. We have evidence of that right now, with you.

You're kind of like me, a romantic, nice, hard-working, loyal person. I for one have never cheated and have never even considered cheating. I was dating someone when someone said to me "well, what if your crush asked you out", I said "I'd just have to tell them 'hold on a minute while I break up with [insert name here] and then I'll go out with you."

Brompton's right, though, if you believe in the stereotypes, without ever looking for someone different, you'll just shut yourself off from relationships and you'll end up being the creepy old single guy.

Two important things to remember, believe half of what you see and none of what you hear. And, be yourself.

[Isaac]

Well thanks for everyones responces so far. To clear a few things up, I dont go meeting people in the bars, and I barely drink at all. Also, I am not trying to be converted or taken in the by the church and that is why I feel this way. Simply so far (yes I know it has not been a lot) but from my experiences and even talking to people who are more experienced (and I know thats not good enough reason to believe it or form an argument), that is how they have described alot of people. I dont wanan fight with people, but I'm just sayng that I have talked to people who live in Toronto, and alot of the clubs or alot gays are like that. I'M NOT trying to steryotype the gay community or say this is how we all are. I attend the University of Waterloo, and am involved in their LGBT community events. I always thought as a child that it was a sterytype and that we have bene trying to prove it wrong. How ever it feels sometimes that a lot of people act in that manner. I'm not trying to sterytype people but differentiate between people who lead that lifestyle, and those who dont. Plus I said nothing about trying to conform. I may not think ighly of myself or stand tall and proud all the time, but I am proud of who I am, and would never dream of conforming to do those things. I love the way I am, the values and trauts I have. I was just simply wonder how maybe people who are older, if they experinced this or notices it when they were younger, and stuff like that. Thats al I meant, and yes I know people (gay, straight, bi), and all that do it as well. I know that, I'm not stupid and saying only gay people do it. I'm not trying to shame or talk badly about the gay community and I should and can not use a few experiences of my own, or that of people I have talked as reason to explian the whole gay community, and everyone in it. I hope maybe this helped clear a few things up about myelf and I just wanted to know peoples opinion I guess abou what I thought, and not mroe on myself. if they experienced the same feelings and emotions as I did when they were younger, do they think its true that alot of young or alot of people in the or their gay community sleep around and stuff. More of an opinion about that then about myself, and how I look at it, I guess thats what I was looking for but again, all comments are appreciated.

[Lexington]

Are there gay guys who have lots of sex, drugs, etc? You bet.
Where are they most often found? Where you're looking - in clubs.

Are there gay guys who don't have lots of sex, drugs, etc? You bet.
Where are they most often found? NOT where you're looking - in clubs.

Judging homosexuals by what's in gay clubs is like judging straights by going to a swingers club. Or a church. Or a gym. What you'll see there is one subset of the larger group. And you can't make generalities based on what you're seeing there. If you hung around a church, you'd think "Gee, straight people sure like to wear nice clothes and pray a lot." Yes, there are straight people like that, but I don't think that sums up straight people as a whole.

The gay people who like to have lots of sex? That's their call. They have the freedom to choose to do so. If that's what they want to do, they're welcome to. I'm not going to tell them to stop sleeping around so straight people won't hate me so much. If some straight people are going to judge me by the actions of club hoppers, the problem doesn't lie with me or the club hoppers - the problem lies with the straight people who can't be bothered to learn more.

We recently had a similar discussion about gay pride parades. The argument was that there shouldn't be scantily clad guys or leather daddies in the parade, because then people will think "we're all like that". I actually have a T-shirt proclaiming "Your misconceptions are not my problem." And they're not. If someone wants to think I'm a "screaming queen" or a leather daddy because they saw those guys in the parade, that's their problem. They should've sat through the whole parade.

Lex

[Jim1454]

Despite your 'clarification' I still feel like you've developed a pretty negative attitude about the gay community. It really depends on who you are talking to, and where you are talking to them. I think if you spend a little more time here in Empty Closets you'll find that a lot of guys here are (hopeless!!) romantics! They're looking for exactly the same things that you are.

You've been in one relationship, and it didn't turn out well. That's almost to be expected. We all come to realize that we're gay, and we finally give ourselves permission to like / love / be attracted to other guys. And that first time we fall for someone, these emotions are overwhelming and we don't fall for the right guy. We don't realize that until after the fact though... Consider it a learning experience, as I think you have.

I think there ARE guys in the gay community that are fairly 'promiscuous'. There are guys in the straight community that would be the same way if they were able to find a similar number of women that are promiscuous. But they don't. Gay men have also dealt with denial and repressing their sexual desires for a portion of their lives, and as a result some feel entitled to 'catch up'. Because gay men have dealt with such negative emotions and judgemental attitudes, they may not have a healthy attitude towards their sexuality.

So because some gay men have sex more often and with more people than you feel comfortable doing doesn't mean you're not going to fit in. You don't need to do the same thing. You need to find someone like yourself. There's someone out there for everyone.

You need to be looking in a different place. You'll find someone that holds the same values as you. You shouldln't need to 'change' anyone, nor should they need to 'change' you.

So do I agree with you or share similar experiences? To some extent, yes. When I was acting out in my sex addiction, it was far too easy to find a sex partner. But now I've found a partner that is my ideal match! He's kind and loving and thoughtful and supportive. He loves me for me. So to paint the 'gay community' with this broad brush isn't really fair or representative.

[Isaac]

Well thanks for everyone’s responses so far. To clear a few things up, I don’t go meeting people in the bars, and I barely drink at all. Also, I am not trying to be converted or taken in the by the church and that is why I feel this way. Simply so far (yes I know it has not been a lot) but from my experiences and even talking to people who are more experienced (and I know that’s not good enough reason to believe it or form an argument), that is how they have described a lot of people. I don’t want TO fight with people, but I'm just saying that I have talked to people who live in Toronto and a lot of the clubs or a lot of gays are like that. I'M NOT trying to stereotype the gay community or say this is how we all are. I attend the University of Waterloo, and am involved in their LGBT community events.

I always thought as a child that it was a stereotype and that we have been trying to prove it wrong. How ever it feels sometimes that a lot of people act in that manner. I'm not trying to stereotype people but differentiate between people who lead that lifestyle, and those who don’t. Plus I said nothing about trying to conform. I may not think highly of myself or stand tall and proud all the time, but I am proud of who I am, and would never dream of conforming to do those things. I love the way I am, the values and traits I have. I was just simply wondered how maybe people who are older, if they experienced this or notices it when they were younger, and stuff like that.

That’s all I meant, and yes I know people (gay, straight, bi), and all that do it as well. I know that, I'm not stupid and saying only gay people do it. I realize I’m not experienced in any way and have not been out in the community a lot or experienced all the wonderful things that make our community so much more then what it is. I'm not trying to shame or talk badly about the gay community and I should and can not use a few experiences of my own, or that of people I have talked as reason to explain the whole gay community, and everyone in it. I hope maybe this helped clear a few things up about myself and I just wanted to know peoples opinion I guess about what I thought, and not more on myself. if they experienced the same feelings and emotions as I did when they were younger, do they think its true that a lot of young or a lot of people in the or their gay community sleep around and stuff. More of an opinion about that then about myself, and how I look at it, I guess that’s what I was looking for but again, all comments are appreciated.