Thursday Night Depression.

[goratrix]

Well. It seems that I always write my most depressive posts on thursdays...

Since monday I've been somewhat happier. People noticed, actually. But today for some reason I just woke up in a REALLY bad mood. Ok, I'll admit I didn't have anything to eat since yesterday at midday, and that I didn't have a good night sleep.

ABOUT AC (my crush): So, wednesday afternoon I was there (as usual) and I just talked to him (AC) and another friend (female) that was there. It wasn't a bad day at all, I was happy. It was a wonderful practice... but at the end, at about 10PM she told me that she and AC almost kissed. I was torn, I am actually surprised that she didn't see through me... but then again, she doesn't care. Oh, that wouldn't have been so bad. I was little agressive today, but I finally was able to control it a little by focusing on other stuff and just avoiding people.

What really ruined my week is that tonight we were there again, and the practice sucked big time. We didn't do much, I was distracted, I couldn't focus and I had a crappy performance... which is a little of a lack of respect towards the instructor (this time it wasn't AC). But after the practice there were the three of us, the instructor, AC and me... and we were talking about many things... and the 'gay' issue came up. Now, I'm not ready to come out to any of them, but I di pay special attention to AC's reaction... and guess what... he seems to be a little (if not a lot) homophobic. when I found out I almos shouted: I AM GAY!... but I was able to hold my temper and just limit to say that not every gay people are the same, and that I have gay friend that you couldn't tell they are gay. Ok, I was talking about myself, but he doesn't need to know that. I am torn... I hoped he would at least accept me as I am... but now that I've found out that he's a bit of a homophobic... I'm not even sure I want to be arround him any more... and still I cant get him out of my head. Tears are comming out of my eyes as I write this...

ABOUT MY MISSED CHANCE: Today I was noticeable depressed, and two of my class mates realized. It's good to know they care about me... But they started askin why I was depressed, and I knew it was my chance to tell them... but I just didn't have the emotional energy to do it... and now I regret it...


DAMN IT! my whole world is falling, and I find myself alone in a dark room, with nothing but the only one good thing I still have in my life: this place.

I wanted to use the dancing banana icon... but I can't think of a single reason in my life that is worth that icon... that's how bad I am.

[Aaron]

I wanted to use the dancing banana icon... but I can't think of a single reason in my life that is worth that icon... that's how bad I am.
What about the fact that you have this community to supprt you? (!) Sounds banana worthy to me! :)

You'll get through it, I promise.

[joeyconnick]

I think you're being too hard on yourself and that's probably not helping how you feel. If you missed an opportunity to come, it's not a huge tragedy because there will be others. You might want to consider the fact that your friends cared enough to ask you what was up. Not everyone has friends who would bother. And I don't mean you should feel guilty that you didn't initially consider that--I just mean not miss the good things that are happening in your life.

As for AC, he's 15... I think the default for him will be homophobic. It sucks but it's not something you need to take personally. It sounded like you handled the situation really well.

[goratrix]

Ok... I'm better now. I spent a few hours with my friends last night, at it really got me up...


Yesterday: It started pretty bad, I woke up because it was really noisy outside. Fridays are my free days, I don't have to wake up at 6AM like every other thay or at 9 like saturdays and sundays. I can sleep all i want. And for me to wake up at 10, after going to bed at about 5 AM is not good. Add to that the fact that I wasn't in the best of moods... and you'll get what I feel.

Then I got a call about a piece of hardware for a system, and I did some internet research: as a result I have a new research to do, and possibly I'll be making that piece of hardware myself. So I have something to focus on: YAY!!!

I went <there> because I needed to talk to the master, and I needed to do a few things over there, so I gathered up all my strength and went there, expecting to meet AC and feel down again. I guess balance is with me now, for he wasn't there! That made my day a little better... I need some time to heal before I see him. And in top of that I had the most amazing class. It was one and a half hour straight, then a twenty minutes rest, and an hour again. Add to that the half hour or so that I was helping give a class. I was really tired.

Yet, I wasn't well... but I was in a WAY better mood than the few days before. And then we met with my friends at someone's house, and she cooked excelent food, and we had a really good night. We stayed until 3AM, and after that I just was feeling very well.

Even though I didn't get a chance to talk about the things that were bothering me, you know, to let it all out, I did have a wonderful time, and I could take my mind away from thinking about AC, and that really helped me a lot.

Now I'm back to normal: balance between my grieve and my happiness... I guess it's the way it's meant to be... at least for now.

Thought i should add: (!)

[Paul_UK]

Sometimes it is good to have an opportunity to take your mind off things - it helps you unwind a bit. Hey - and if it you felt up to adding a (!) now, it must have been OK. :)

I think what's making this so difficult for you is that you keep seeing him. Both my crushes were broken because I no longer saw them (one stopped catching that train, the other got a different job), so I gradually got over them. However you both have the same interest and attend the same place to train etc., and you obviously don't want to give that up (nor I guess will AC).

[goratrix]

I think what's making this so difficult for you is that you keep seeing him. Both my crushes were broken because I no longer saw them (one stopped catching that train, the other got a different job), so I gradually got over them. However you both have the same interest and attend the same place to train etc., and you obviously don't want to give that up (nor I guess will AC).

*turns evil thinking mode on* Hmmm, I could beat him up... or perhaps break his leg... that would keep him away for a couple of months... hmmm *turns evil thinking mode off*

Oh, well. I guess I'll just have to find another way to deal with it... perhaps finding someone else could help... oh, right! there's the problem: how am I ever going to meet someone??? I miss the days when all my concerns were: Oh my god! how is seya going to win the next battle? and what's going to happen to Athena?

[Paul_UK]

*turns evil thinking mode on* Hmmm, I could beat him up... or perhaps break his leg... that would keep him away for a couple of months... hmmm *turns evil thinking mode off*
Phew - I was wondering how you would take my last reply, as it was not particularly tactful or helpful....

Oh, well. I guess I'll just have to find another way to deal with it... perhaps finding someone else could help... oh, right! there's the problem: how am I ever going to meet someone???
Often when you aren't looking and least expect it. I know that's no help AT ALL, but often if you are specificlly looking your chances are reduced.

When I first came out I sometimes went to the gay nights as a local-ish club with a younger friend who had also just come out. I was 27 and he was 17. He was also quite pretty, so generally had no problems attracting other guys (though mostly much older and only after one thing). There were a couple of times though when he was feeling down and was determined that he would find the right guy that evening. On those evenings he attracted nobody.

I miss the days when all my concerns were: Oh my god! how is seya going to win the next battle? and what's going to happen to Athena?
Give it time and you will be back to worrying about these things - I promise!