Drama with my dad

[Étoile]

After having a nice, pleasant meal at a steakhouse, me and my family went to Hollywood Video to rent 2 games I wanted. As my mom was paying for the games, I picked out a Way2Sour lollipop and naturally, my 2-year-old niece wanted one too. I told her no then my dad told her no after she asked him. He then tells me 'You don't need any candy yourself.' Now, I always try to eat healthy, rarely drink sodas, and drink a bottle of water everyday, so I deserved a little treat. My mom buys it for me anyway and we leave. We get in the car and somehow my niece has it in her hand (I didn't grab it after my mom bought it since I was planning on eating it later on). She asks me to open it for her and I say I will but I'm actually opening it for myself since I decide to eat it now. That's when the drama starts.

She starts to wail at the top of her lungs, screaming 'GIMME!', 'MINE!', and 'CANDY!' all the while trying to snatch it from me in her carseat. My dad comes out of nowhere and yells 'You opened that damn candy in front of her just to spite her!' Me, my mom, and my sister are in total shock; he was calm and totally fine just a few minutes ago. My niece cries all the way home and it's obvious that my dad's anger is building. Before my mom even gets to cut the car off, my dad gets out and slams the door and sits on the porch with his head down. When I get on the porch, he gets up, says 'Gimme that damn candy.', snatches it from my hand, and throws it in the grass. He then repeats that I did it just to spite my niece. This is how the rest of the argument goes:

Me: I did not do that just to make [insert my niece's name] mad.
Dad: Yes you did! You're always bothering that little girl.
[At this time, we were far away from each other]
Me: No, I'm more mature than you.
Dad: Yeah, okay. You better watch your mouth because I will punch you in the face.
Me: Yeah, whatever. [Insert sister's name], I really don't have time to deal with that, so do you want to come in my room and play Cooking Mama?

He tries to continue the argument as he's going into his room though I completely end it and start to talk to my sister and act like nothing's wrong. I was so scared he was going to actually hit me but I had to stand my ground. I was even shaking a bit while I was arguing with him. My mom didn't back me up at all. The only thing she called him was a fool and laughed a bitter laugh as if all of that was a joke. Me and my dad didn't talk the whole night and both my parents only said goodnight to my sister and niece (our rooms are right by each other. We're so close, I can hear them snoring as I type this)

I don't understand why my dad turned such a petty thing into a huge argument. Did that 2-year-old need that jumbo, sour lollipop so bad that you had to threaten to punch me in the face for it? This isn't the first time he's done this either. He's started ridiculous arguments over simple things with everyone in my house, especially my sister (He seems to harbor some deep hatred for her. Maybe because that's actually his step-daughter and he knows this but he still claims her as his own.)

He often gets into arguments with us when he gets home from work. Last year around Christmas, he backed me in a corner, yelled in my face, and punched me hard in the chest just because I didn't go in the shower when he wanted me to. 3 years ago, we got into a huge argument where he practically ripped my jacket off of me because I wouldn't take off my jacket when he thought it was too hot for it even though it was freezing in the house we were in. The worst was when I was in 3rd grade. He came home and demaned that I do the dishes. It was not even my turn to do the dishes, so I explained that to him but he started yelling at me and out of nowhere, grabbed the back of my head and literally threw me to the sink. I had to catch myself so I wouldn't hit anything. That was almost 8 years ago but I'll never forget that day.

He's called my sister a 'bitch' and a 'whore'. The latter he said right in front of my mother and she said NOTHING AT ALL. My sister was so mad at my mother and almost cried and my mom couldn't see why she was upset with her. What mother lets a man, even if he is her father/step-father, call her daughter out her name? He's so two-faced; he tries to play the loving father role in front of his friends and other people but no one with an ounce of sense buys it. My mother's family hates him. When my grandma on my mother's side was alive, they hated each other. My sister's boyfriend can't stand him. My best friend not only dislikes him, he's also afraid of him. The only people who buys into his act is his dumbass friends who most are either deadbeats themselves or super rich and wouldn't care what happened behind closed doors. He gets all sad when I don't come talk to him and want to hang out with him but how can I if I don't know who I'm getting that day: the caring, supportive dad or the mean, childish dad. There's been many times where things we all were happy and even he was laughing with us but it's always ruined when he starts to bitch about whatever he feels like or pick on whoever interest him in our house that day/week/month. He feels more like a bully than my actual dad. I just don't know what to do.

Bless your heart you read all of this. :eusa_clap

[tylerksub]

Although his reaction was completely over the top you were temping the lil kid. Its obvious that the kid would get angry and no one wants to hear a tantrum. All the other things sounds like he has a short fuse, i can find a few times when it seems he is trying to do whats best but is becoming frustrated. As for your sister, no one should say those kind of things. Especially not a daughter, blood or not hes there to help raise you guys.

[Master Hade]

thats horrible!!! I don't think u were tempting ur neice was it at all. You dad sounds abusive.. I mean he seriously needs counsiling. You need to somehoe confront him. talk to your mother and ask for back up cause that is rediculous!

[Étoile]

Although his reaction was completely over the top you were temping the lil kid. Its obvious that the kid would get angry and no one wants to hear a tantrum. All the other things sounds like he has a short fuse, i can find a few times when it seems he is trying to do whats best but is becoming frustrated. As for your sister, no one should say those kind of things. Especially not a daughter, blood or not hes there to help raise you guys.

While I do agree that I was tempting her a bit and do have a habit of doing that, my sister actually told me not to open it right after my niece gave it to me, so it was inevitable. When my niece wants something and she doesn't get it, she'll go to everyone she can to ask for it until she throws a temper tantrum and finally gets her way. Me and her father (my sister's boyfriend) are the only ones who don't give into her tantrum and either ignore her or tease her about it. She is spoiled really bad. My parents & sister always look so shocked when she screams in stores whenever she can't get what she wants. I've told them time and time again that spoiling her will do nothing but bad to her but of course they don't listen to me. It's embarrassing and tiresome when you have to run out a store when a 2-year-old can't get a $29.99 doll she so desperately wants.

thats horrible!!! I don't think u were tempting ur neice was it at all. You dad sounds abusive.. I mean he seriously needs counsiling. You need to somehoe confront him. talk to your mother and ask for back up cause that is rediculous!

My dad doesn't believe in consuling, neither does my mom. She says it's for 'weak, white women' which is completely untrue and not only idiotic, but racist.

[Vampyrecat]

My dad doesn't believe in consuling, neither does my mom. She says it's for 'weak, white women' which is completely untrue and not only idiotic, but racist.
Given this statement, just out of curiosity (seriously, just curious) do you mind if I ask what your ethnic background is??

I think your dad was being completely unreasonable. How old is your sister? Is it possible for all three of you kids (you and your sister plus her daughter) to move out or are you still relying on your mother for money?

If your mother won't stand up for you, Think about the possibility that she might be being abused herself by your (step?) dad. Just because you don't see it does not mean it cannot be happening.

I really hope you find a place where you can stay, your father sounds like he needs serious counselling and since he is refusing it, and is abusing you then you need to get out of there for your own safety. There is nothing wrong with looking after yourself, your sister and your niece and there is no shame in leaving an abusive house if you have to.

I hope this helps.

[Blaz]

Your dad seems as though he needs to go through some intense counseling, but I can't tell you the best way to go about him actually accepting the fact that he needs counseling.

[Louise]

Please don't think I am defending your dad, coz I'm not but honestly if you go looking for shit you will find it. You said yourself that your neice is spoilt, everyone on this earth knows that if you open candy infront of a child they will ask for it, especially if they have already asked for the candy and been denied it. So you really were looking to provoke a reaction from someone.

Your dad is behaving very badly and obviously needs help with the issues that he has to there is no point making a difficult situation even worse. In situations like these communication is the best solution. You could open the conversation by apologising for opening the candy in front of your niece and creating a needless tantrum and add that you thought that his reaction was excessive and ask if you could talk to him about it. Parents often have problems that their kids don't know about and are stressed out and then they come home and take it out on the family.

You might try to find a way to talk to your dad 'man to man' explaining that you are all there for him and love him but you are neither physical or emotional punch bags for him. These are all easy words for me to say and I am sure that the situation is very difficult for you all. Is there any possibility of you talking to your mum about this?

[Invisible]

I don't think this has got anything to do with the candy.

It sounds like your Dad is very stressed and takes his anger out on his family.
You don't know why he is this way. He probably just took the candy situation and turned it into something for him to release his anger over.

Do sit down and talk to him. No shouting, and don't contradict him when you speak.
You could make it clear that you think he is overreacting and taking his anger out on you. and that you don't think that it's how he should be acting.
That's easier said than done, of course. Maybe speaking to your sister, Mum or a friend would help you.

[Étoile]

My dad doesn't believe in consuling, neither does my mom. She says it's for 'weak, white women' which is completely untrue and not only idiotic, but racist.
Given this statement, just out of curiosity (seriously, just curious) do you mind if I ask what your ethnic background is??

LOL I understand, I get curious about a person's ethnicity when racism comes in a topic too. I'm Black. My parents have said a lot of racist things towards all different races, even towards other Black people but that's a whole different issue to tackle at a different time.

Please don't think I am defending your dad, coz I'm not but honestly if you go looking for shit you will find it. You said yourself that your neice is spoilt, everyone on this earth knows that if you open candy infront of a child they will ask for it, especially if they have already asked for the candy and been denied it. So you really were looking to provoke a reaction from someone.

Now that I look back, it was silly for me to do that and I take full responsibilty for it. I should have known better than that.

I think your dad was being completely unreasonable. How old is your sister? Is it possible for all three of you kids (you and your sister plus her daughter) to move out or are you still relying on your mother for money?

If your mother won't stand up for you, Think about the possibility that she might be being abused herself by your (step?) dad. Just because you don't see it does not mean it cannot be happening.

I really hope you find a place where you can stay, your father sounds like he needs serious counselling and since he is refusing it, and is abusing you then you need to get out of there for your own safety. There is nothing wrong with looking after yourself, your sister and your niece and there is no shame in leaving an abusive house if you have to.

My sister's 20 and about to turn 21 next week and she's been looking for a place to stay for about 2 years now but hasn't had any success. She admitted one of the main reasons that she wanted to move out is to escape my parents' (mainly my father's) controlling ways. I do want to leave out of here as fast as I can but then I wouldn't want to abandon my mom. I know she'll choose him over us because she tries to play neutral in our arguments but always ends up coming and explaining how he feels to us and taking up for him when that should be his job. Why get your wife to do your dirty work? We've even asked her if it was a life or death situation and she had to choose her children or her husband, she chose her husband and we were dumbfounded.

They do argue in front of us, even in front of my 2-year-old niece, and it makes me so uncomfortable and angry that they would do such a thing especially right in front of their children.

Do sit down and talk to him. No shouting, and don't contradict him when you speak.
You could make it clear that you think he is overreacting and taking his anger out on you. and that you don't think that it's how he should be acting.
That's easier said than done, of course. Maybe speaking to your sister, Mum or a friend would help you.

Your dad is behaving very badly and obviously needs help with the issues that he has to there is no point making a difficult situation even worse. In situations like these communication is the best solution. You could open the conversation by apologising for opening the candy in front of your niece and creating a needless tantrum and add that you thought that his reaction was excessive and ask if you could talk to him about it. Parents often have problems that their kids don't know about and are stressed out and then they come home and take it out on the family.

You might try to find a way to talk to your dad 'man to man' explaining that you are all there for him and love him but you are neither physical or emotional punch bags for him. These are all easy words for me to say and I am sure that the situation is very difficult for you all. Is there any possibility of you talking to your mum about this?

Believe me, we've tried plenty of times to talk to him, mainly my mom. A lot of times since my room is so close to theirs, I hear her defending us but he doesn't want to listen. It's comforting to know that she cares about us a little to defend us behind closed doors, literally speaking.

Around 4 years ago, things got so bad that at 12 years old, I sat down the entire family and we had a serious discussion about everything that's wrong. A lot of issues dealt with my dad and my sister and the animosity between the two. I defended him several times during the discussion and even tried to see things through his eyes a lot of times. I seriously thought it was going to get better after the talk since we discussed so much but my sister simply said 'It won't. He'll be good for a week or a month tops and it'll go back to the same old, same old.' She was absolutely right. He was fine for 3 weeks then something sparked up his anger again and here we are today.

You might try to find a way to talk to your dad 'man to man' explaining that you are all there for him and love him but you are neither physical or emotional punch bags for him.

See, my family never had that close environment. They get sad whenever something happens and they say 'Well, yo ucould have come talked to me about it.' How can I when I never know if the door's open? Why do I have to do all of the work? Doesn't the parent come to the child if the child doesn't show any interest in talking?

Growing up, my mom never said 'I love you' on her own. I've always had to force it out of her and it was always so awkward. My dad's the same. The only time he ever said 'I love you' was last year when he thought he was dying. They barely show me or my sister any physical affection. My sister hates to be hugged or for anyone to be in her personal space except her boyfriend and daughter. Whenever I do receive physical affection from anyone, especially my parents, it feels so foreign and odd to me. I thought that this was how all households were but then I soon realize that I was wrong.

I would talk to my best friend about this but he's dealing with parental issues himself (his parents are worse. They get into physical altercations where the police have even been called a few times) so I don't think I'd want to bother him with my problems when he already have some himself.

[Louise]

I know its hard, especially if you need to be hugged but not all people are touchy feely. Sometimes you just have to look at the way people behave to see that they love you. The fact that your mum stands up for you behind closed doors shows that she does care, she is obviously not sure enough of herself to stand up to your dad in front of you. I imagine that would bring her all sorts of problems to go against him in front of you kids.

You don't choose your family but you do have to live with them so for the moment just try to keep your head down, don't provoke your dad, you must know by now what pushes his buttons, work hard at school so that you can get a job and move out. What your mum does is up to her, she is an adult and able to assume her choices. Much as you love your mum you are not responsable for her and cannot 'sacrifice' you life for her. If things are really that bad for her she will leave in the end. Not having you at home and being responsable for you might make things easier for her to make the decisions she needs to make. You are not your mother's keeper.

[Étoile]

I do have a job, but I make so little money that I would never be able to even think about moving out right now.

I know I can leave my mom anytime I want, but I don't want to. I don't want to look back when I get older and say 'I can't believe I did this to my mom. She must have been really lonely.' I do think your advice is the best and I have to do what's best for me. I know that she can make decisions by herself, it's just that I think she'll make all the wrong ones and never the right ones.

[beckyg]

Yes, your Dad needs anger management counseling. I would do as Louise suggested. He is breaking the law by hitting you like that too so if he is out of control, then by all means call the police.

However, you need to understand 2 year olds.

TODDLER PROPERTY LAWS

1. IF I LIKE IT, IT'S MINE.

2. IF IT'S IN MY HAND, IT'S MINE.

3. IF i CAN TAKE IT FROM YOU, IT'S MINE.

4. IF I HAD IT A LITTLE WHILE AGO, IT'S MINE.

5. IF IT'S MINE, IT MUST NEVER APPEAR TO BE YOURS IN aNY WAY.

6. IF I'M DOING OR BUILDING SOMETHING, ALL PIECES ARE MINE.

7. IF IT LOOKS JUST LIKE MINE, IT IS MINE.

A 2 year old does not understand why you can have a lollipop and she can't. It is beyond her realm of understanding.

[tylerksub]

My Daycare provider had that very same poster in like 3 rooms. They are written in stone and apply to every single child at one point or another.

[beckyg]

My Daycare provider had that very same poster in like 3 rooms. They are written in stone and apply to every single child at one point or another.

That's funny. I shared that with my daycare parents and my bank manager said he had employees at the bank who acted the exact same way. :roflmao:

[Jebs]

I know I can leave my mom anytime I want, but I don't want to. I don't want to look back when I get older and say 'I can't believe I did this to my mom. She must have been really lonely.' I do think your advice is the best and I have to do what's best for me. I know that she can make decisions by herself, it's just that I think she'll make all the wrong ones and never the right ones.

You are basing your life around someone who has clearly stated what she is going to do regardless of your actions. You feel like you are abandoning her? If what you say is true then she has already, in a sense, abandoned you guys. I'm not dissing your mom at all, I just think she has her priorities mixed up here. I mean she stated she would choose (in a live or death situation) her husband over you guys. In my mind that is a little... wrong? But I guess that is just a question of morality and can be interpreted different by each person.

Nonetheless, I'm sorry dude. You seem to be in a horribly tight spot. I just have a few questions. Does your Father drink? What type of job is he in? Does your mother work? Do you see your parents a lot? I ask these questions because my own dad started to derail at a certain point in his life. I was his little buddy when I was about 8 and watched him just go down hill. He drank excessive amounts of beer, worked a very stressful job, didn't get much down time, and supported a family of six (my mother did not work until the very end of their relationship). My dad would have rages every now and then because let's be honest, he was super stressed and overwhelmed. I remember one time I was trying to cheer him up because that's what I did in the family, I was the kid who tried to make everything alright; well I approached him and tried to make a joke, he turned to me and said, "What the hell are you joking about now you little bastard." Didn't feel good at all, I cried in my room the whole day, but a few days later my dad did come and apologize.

Even though my dad had these bad episodes, I think it only made me come to a realization: My dad is totally human. He messes up just as much as I mess up, he gets mad (maybe not as mad as an 8 year old), he gets frustrated, he jumps to conclusions, and he has a lack of patience sometimes. I think Louise is right, get a 'man to man' in with him. If everyone is there then it will feel like a gang up on him, not only will he get defensive but more apt to get angry and difuse the whole situation. Just talk. It worked for me. Good luck. (*hug*)

[Étoile]

Yes, your Dad needs anger management counseling. I would do as Louise suggested. He is breaking the law by hitting you like that too so if he is out of control, then by all means call the police.

However, you need to understand 2 year olds.

TODDLER PROPERTY LAWS

1. IF I LIKE IT, IT'S MINE.

2. IF IT'S IN MY HAND, IT'S MINE.

3. IF i CAN TAKE IT FROM YOU, IT'S MINE.

4. IF I HAD IT A LITTLE WHILE AGO, IT'S MINE.

5. IF IT'S MINE, IT MUST NEVER APPEAR TO BE YOURS IN aNY WAY.

6. IF I'M DOING OR BUILDING SOMETHING, ALL PIECES ARE MINE.

7. IF IT LOOKS JUST LIKE MINE, IT IS MINE.

A 2 year old does not understand why you can have a lollipop and she can't. It is beyond her realm of understanding.

LOL See, I'm horrible with kids. I mean really bad. I don't have a parental bone in my body. They actually scare me a little. I often have the habit of thinking she should understand what I'm saying completely when I myself should know better. Although she's very intelligent for a 2-year-old, like you said, I should know that some things is just impossible for her to understand.

You are basing your life around someone who has clearly stated what she is going to do regardless of your actions. You feel like you are abandoning her? If what you say is true then she has already, in a sense, abandoned you guys. I'm not dissing your mom at all, I just think she has her priorities mixed up here. I mean she stated she would choose (in a live or death situation) her husband over you guys. In my mind that is a little... wrong? But I guess that is just a question of morality and can be interpreted different by each person.

None taken Jebs. :) I totally agree with everything you said. Me and my sister talked about this earlier today and we both feel that emotionally, she's never there for us and always tries to take up for my dad no matter what. I was always told from friends, classmates, and older people that you were to always choose your children in that type of situation, so I couldn't believe that my own mother would say right in our faces that she'd save my father who I don't even know if she loves or not over us.

Nonetheless, I'm sorry dude. You seem to be in a horribly tight spot. I just have a few questions. Does your Father drink? What type of job is he in? Does your mother work? Do you see your parents a lot? I ask these questions because my own dad started to derail at a certain point in his life. I was his little buddy when I was about 8 and watched him just go down hill. He drank excessive amounts of beer, worked a very stressful job, didn't get much down time, and supported a family of six (my mother did not work until the very end of their relationship). My dad would have rages every now and then because let's be honest, he was super stressed and overwhelmed. I remember one time I was trying to cheer him up because that's what I did in the family, I was the kid who tried to make everything alright; well I approached him and tried to make a joke, he turned to me and said, "What the hell are you joking about now you little bastard." Didn't feel good at all, I cried in my room the whole day, but a few days later my dad did come and apologize.

My father stopped smoking when I was about 4 and he stopped drinking regularly when I was 6. He may have a beer or two every 5 months or so, but never regularly. He works as a house painter and my mom works for my city (it's kinda hard to explain what she does). He does work excessively but a lot of times, he doesn't have to. He willingly ends his vacations and days-off to go back to work when financially, things are set. We try to stop him but he won't listen. He needs to have days to rest but he hardly ever have days-off.

Today at breakfast, we had a little arguement that goes on like this:

Dad: (in a passive aggresive way) So, Mr. [insert my name], you want to be a man and not tell me good morning?
Me: You didn't tell me good morning, so why should I tell you?
[parents have shocked looks on their faces]
Mom: Now, you know that's not what you're supposed to do.
Me: Why should I have to say good morning when he doesn't say it himself? Why should I have to greet someone who doesn't even acknowledge me? I'm sick of playing the fool.
Mom: Now [insert my name], that's not right.
Me: Mama, I'm sick of being the fool.
[silence]
My mom tells me again to say good morning after a few more minutes and again, I refused.

Dad: There's 2 men in this house now [insert my mom's name], he doesn't have to say good morning to me.
[silence]
Dad: I know one thing: I'm the only man who supports this house.
He does his classic 'Gets up and leave' when he sees no one's reacting to what he's saying.

Now, you may think he said all of this in a sad, desperate tone but it was clear his intentions was to rile me up when he started his arguement and I could tell because he always starts his arguments with the same confrontational tone. I've decided to give him the silent treatment until he apologize for all of the things he's done to me, my sister, and my mom. I tried to tell my mom and explain why I was doing this but she walked out on me before I even got chance to finish. I know this may sound childish but if I confront him, it's basically just going to turn into him telling me I was 100% wrong and he was 100% right and I'll have to apologize for something I didn't do. I'll leave feeling confused and still angry and he being happy that I bowed down to him and fed into his ego yet again.

(*hug*)Thank you guys for all of your help! I really do appreciate all that you guys have said.(*hug*) I'll keep you guys posted if/when something happens.

[the ry guy]

Do you know if he suffers from any illnesses like bi-polar or ADD and he works excessively to keep himself busy. Also has he ever worked nights or grave yard shift ever. most people don't know this but if you work nights excessivly for a long period of time (few years) it really fucks with your head and you develop really bad mood swings. i know cause my father worked nights. then i worked nights lol home life was a real treat. but yeah if you suffer from mood swings you can be laughing one minute and then someone will do something completely random like slam a door and it'll just set you off for no reason

just a thought.

[Étoile]

I'm not sure if he has any mental illnesses because we've never been to counseling or a doctor and tried to diagnose it.

Last night, we had a 3-hour family talk, where we talked about all types of past and present incidents and how we can prevent them. We talked about forgiveness, ending grudges, affection, more family togetherness, how to control our anger, and a lot more stuff. I felt a whole lot better afterwards and we all made promises to work on things we needed to work on but my father never apologized or made any promises to do better, just like the last talk we had 4 years ago. Plus, he and my mom started arguing about something he hinted upon in the conversation that I had no idea about but neither would say what it was. All they said is that it happened 15-20 years ago, so I have no idea what they are talking about.

All in all, I don't know if we made any huge progess but at least we tried. All we can do now is hope for the best. Thanks again guys for all your advice!(*hug*)

[Louise]

This is a tiny step forward but realistically you cannot expect that one conversation will cure all the ills your family is suffering from. This is the FIRST step forward, you have to keep on taking these steps, keep the lines of communication open and maybe have a 'family talk' once a month and not once every four years.

We all of us make resolutions and do our best then as days and weeks go by we slip back to our old habits unless of course we keep reminding ourselves and others around us that we are all working towards a common goal... harmony.

If you are all willing to put in the effort over the long term you will be able to sort all this out. Don't let little set backs get you down these are all normal as well, you and your parents are human beings not machines and sometimes we act unreasonably then regret it. The secret is in forgiving that person, turning the page and moving on and not harping on about the past. The past is the past and nothing is going to change that so you just need to move on.

[biisme]

That's great that you guys talked!!! I'm glad that you feel better. (*hug*)