What's holding you back?

[Micah]

Well I got thinking today, and I asked myself why I'm not fully out yet (as some of you know I've only told one person). I thought about this for for quite some time, and I concluded two things.

1 - Parents: I'm not affraid of how my classmates or friends will react to my sexuality. In fact I'm reasonably sure that my close friends would accept me, and there are a few guys who are out at my school (all boys school I might add) and it's pretty big on mulit-culturalism and accepting differences etc. The thing I'm concerned with is my parents. I know that they won't accept it. You may be thinking 'they're your parents, and they'll love you no matter what', and this is quite true. However, I come from an avid christian family where the gay community is shunned.

For instance, my parents had a friend when they got married (I think he was my dad's best man) and I asked them what happened to him and they replied 'he got into all this weird stuff and we eventually stopped talking to him'. It wasn't until later on that I discovered that this 'weird stuff' was that he was actually gay.

Furthermore, there was a TV show on in Australia a while ago called 'The Block' where 4 couples would compete against each other to renovate their flat. Anyway, one of the couples on the show was gay, and they would occasionally peck each other on the lips. Well that was too much, the show was instantly 'banned' in our house. Same went for 'queer eye for the straight guy'.

So while my parents would still love me, I'd receive constant lectures about the 'evils of being homosexual' and a general attitute of me being a failure. So while being out at school and in general appeals to me, I can't bring myself to do it because sooner or later my parents would catch on.

2 - Marriage: This might sound strange, but even though I consider myself to be gay, I see myself married to a woman and have kids in the future. It's not women that I dont like (infact I've made out with a fair few girls in my lifetime) its just the whole sex thing. I dunno....i guess I just want a family.

Anyway, the issue (although quite smaller than No. 1) is that I think 'well if I'm going to end up with a chick in the long run, there's really no point telling everyone. When you add the two points together, it sort of discourages me from coming out to more people.

The solution which I'm most likely to undertake is to come out when I leave home. It's still a while away, but I think it's for the best.

Anyway, my solution wasn't why I posted this long page of thinking aloud. What I want to know is what's holding you back? I figure if you can list the things holding you back from coming out, then it's easier to overcome them. So how about it?

EDIT: New question for the people already out: What held you back?

[Stew]

Interesting thoughts Dave. I spent years holding back from my parents for the very same reasons you state. I knew they would love me no matter what but some of the things they both had said about certain TV programmes and someone they new that was gay made me think it was best not to tell them. It was not difficult to hide it from them because I moved to another city and then they had no need to know.
Then one day the unthinkable happened and I met the man of my dreams, the love of my life. At that point I just felt my mum and dad had to know about it if they were still going to be part of my life because there was no way I was going to hide it any more.
Guess what. Eight years later mum now spends more time talking to Chris on the phone than to me! Dad thinks he is great. They come and stay at our house and when we go to stay with them we are always put in a double room in the guest suite.Both my sisters were maried and are now divorced and my parents always say that Chis and I are a better couple and have a more stable relationship than either of the girls ever had!
So, things change, I don't think anyone needs to rush to come out just do it when you are comfortable and it feels right for you.
Stew

[Paul_UK]

Stew's story is quite similar to mine.

I moved out of my parents home and to a different area when i was 27 and came out (properly) to myself, then work colleagues and family etc soon after. This was actually a few months before my sister's wedding - quite good timing as it gave my parents sosmething positive to look forward if they where feeling less positive about me.

Shortly after the wedding I met my partner (Markie), and we have now been together for over 12 years. Aabout 5 years ago my sister and her husband split up and subsequently divorced. So, like Stew's parents, my parents felt that we have a better relationship than my sister. Markie became Number One son-in-law!

When my father died 18 months ago, Markie joined me, mum, and my sister as the immediate family in the front row at the funeral. This was actually the first time some of the more distant family members had met them, although I think they all knew about me and him already.

It was not all plain sailing though. My father in particular had some problems accepting the news initially. Mum wanted to talk to someone and try to understand things, but dad just wanted to ignore the "problem" and hope it would go away. I had come out to my sister (and then-fiance) a few weeks before, and they were fine with everything. They said later that they had both pretty much guessed some time before I told them. My sister was able to give my mum the support she needed, and in due course dad came round too. Mum and dad both said later that it was easier for them not having me living there at that time, as it allowed them to accept things in their own time without having the constant reminder of the "problem" there.

I think, given the choice, it is better to wait until you have moved out before coming out to parents, if this is an option. From the experience of friends, it seems to work out easier and maybe quicker that way. Otherwise, maybe arranging to stay with a friend for a week or two if necessary would allow you and them to have some space (it needs to be a friend who knows and understands what's going on).

[Lava421]

Family: Although I think my family would eventually accept the idea, I'm sure it would be awkward at first. When I questioned my parents with a liberal/conservative test for school, my mom said she supports gay marriage. After my mom responded and it was time for my dad to give his perspective, he literally thought about it for at least 30 seconds. Contrary to his previous statements, he said he's supportive. I greatly disliked his hesitance.

Ignorance/Un-acceptance: Lots of people seem to not understand the concept. In class, a girl stated "...[gays] can choose to be gay or whatever." (Oh how I wanted to slap her :evil: .) I know at least one of my *friends* is against gay marriage because it's "unnatural." I'm worried I will be thought of and treated differently than I am currently if I come out, which is my biggest concern.

Trustworthiness: I often want to tell people but I'm afraid they won't keep the secret. Several people would know if I knew the secret wouldn't spread.

[RioInfernus]

(First post - woot woot!)

Whats holding me back...

My Family - my family is one of my main reasons definately, my father completely despises any one who is gay and the way he acts about it kinda scares me. I don't think my brother would care so much (in fact I think he kinda knows), but my sister is as she puts it "freaked out by those weirdos". My mother, not sure about her, she'd be sceptical but I think eventually she'd accept it. Its the way my father acts that scares me most.

School - not so much school, more like the people there. The only person I could tell without it spreading all over school in a day is my best friend, I've been testing his opinions on it and I can't quite tell what he thinks. What makes me sad is he's my best friend and I can't trust him if I come out to him.

[Lava421]

...I've been testing his opinions on it and I can't quite tell what he thinks.

To solve this problem, I talked to my friend about political issues. I asked for his beliefs on abortion, the death penalty, and then gay marriage. Gay marriage seems appropriate to discuss when you combine it with these other issues so people don't think there's an ulterior motive. I hope this helps!