Fed up

[pirateninja]

Ok here goes... god only knows how long this is going to take me to type up; I'm probably going to try and erase it all when I'm done. I detest asking for help; I'd much prefer to try and work out my problems on my own rather than burden others with them, but I've done that in the past far too much, and it only led to more trouble. And as little or big this may seem to anybody else, I am completely drained and in need to get some things off my chest before they drive me insane. So here goes...

As some of you may know, an article about my LGBT youth group (complete with a picture of me) featured in a West Midlands diversity magazine. My mom gave permission for me to be in it, I was happy to be in it, everyone was happy. Then my aunt found it, e-mailed it to my mother (without even knowing if I'd come out to my mom yet) and generally stirring up a lot of trouble around the family so even my uncle has told her to back off. And even now he is still the only voice of support from extended family. Absolutely no word from anybody else.

Naturally, my mom was furious that my aunt was stirring up trouble, and attempted to hide a few choice phone calls to and from said Aunt. I still overheard them, and even right now regret ever doing the damn article. It's caused only a bag of trouble for Mom, which has upset her over the holiday, and has in turn upset both Martin (her boyfriend) and me; I feel responsible. If I hadn't done it, then we could have just carried on as normal. And believe me, I know it's pointless to think "if only...", but it's damn hard. Like I said, I can't help but feel responsible. And as much as mom says to me "you shouldn't regret being open about yourself and your aunt's bigoted reaction," it pains me to say it, but I just can't forgive myself for doing this. And not just this article. I said it above, I hate sharing problems, as I hate to burden people. It's a shame really; everytime I come out I feel like it's a problem, like another burden. And I hate myself for doing this, but I can't help but look toward ex-gay websites and wonder if there is some truth in them, or if I'm just kidding myself, and putting my family through it for nothing. As much as I know that I am lesbian; years of me trying to "convert myself" into being straight and failing must count for something; I can't help but feel responsible. I know what I feel, and I know that my aunt's in the wrong, but it still all could have been avoided if only...

Ah well, at least with bigoted aunt I don't see her. With bigoted sister, there is no escape. She's ashamed of me, makes excuses about me for my friends, cuts into the conversation if a gay topic comes up, everything. The only times that there have been oppurtunities for her to make a homophobic comment and she hasn't is if a parent is in the room; she's learned that they won't stand for it. Still, even if she does and I say to mom or dad "Look, I want her to stop. Tell her not to be homophobic" (as she doesn't listen to a word I say), they make excuses, the favourite being "she's 13, her hormones are going wild, leave her alone", leaving innocent sister to provoke me as much as she likes, but one smidgen of retaliation from me and it's a punishment. I feel like I'm 5 years old when I'm forced to go to my room or give up computer priviledges while she gets to sit on her arse and smile sweetly to get what she wants. She deliberately goads me, always critisising everything I do, sometimes even getting violent with me. I'll admit I'm not much better; in the past I've whipped her with cables, punched her or twisted her arms. I'm not proud of how nasty I can get, but the truth is, she's the only person who can get me mad enough to do those things. I'm not violent to anybody else, and sometimes when she deliberately angers me and then ignores me, sometimes I feel that I have to resort to those things to get her to listen. And then there's the difference; when we fight, I shut myself in my room and listen to music after we've battled it out. She goes straight to the parents ASAP. Always gets her sob story in first. Then who gets the blame?

I've said it before, and I'll say it again; I hate getting people involved with my problems. Sister, on the other hand, loves sympathy. As much as I should learn to get in and tell my parents the extent of my sister's cruelty before she does, I don't. And I get punished for it. And then I blame myself for being an idiot and once again succumbing to her jibes. Many of them homophobic, or towards my gay friends, or her incessant claims that I'm a waste of space who can't find a job.

Which is yet another thing preying on my mind, so forgive me for writing a complete essay; either everyone else I know has a job, or has parents so rich that everything's presented to them on a silver plate (and they still find things to complain about, which infuriates me), so I'm always posting a hundred and one CV's in letter boxes and getting one e-mail to say "sorry, but we don't have a place for you". I'd do anything for just a bit of work, I hate having to go ask my parents for money like I'm some kid. Not to mention university, I need to start saving for that. And no matter how many times I e-mail and post, still nothing. Sometimes I feel like my sister is right.

So there we are, I'm actually attempting to "share a few problems". It's a start at least. It's funny really, just the other day I was saying how I was never really happy until I came out (about 3 and a half years now), but sometimes I'm really not. Luckily, I'm learning; last time I got this fed up I just kept bottling it up and spiralled into such a state of self loathing that I deliberately burned myself on the arm twice with a lit cigarette. I try to tell myself that this stuff isn't my fault but people don't make it any easier. To me, it's far easier to just blame myself and keep things to myself. But I'll try not to anymore.

So here it is, a plea for some kind of advice on what to do now. Part of me feels better already just writing it down.

[Ronnie92]

Aww Holly I can't give advice but I can do this
(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)

[Vampyrecat]

WIFEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *huggles*

Firstly I'm sorry to hear your predicament. Your aunt sounds like a cow and your little sister sounds like she's in the same mould.

No offence to your family or anything.

With your sister, do you have anything on her? Like, if she says something homophobic, perhaps (this will sound nasty) pick out one of her insecurities and ask her how she'd feel if you went on and on about it all the time?

Ideally, you could have a family meeting with your parents and your sister, tell her how you feel and that she's bothering you with all her comments. In this context, it's impossible for you to be manipulated into a physical fight which would get you into trouble. Also, it would really hit it home to your parents and your sister how much her homophobia is bothering you.

As for bigoted auntie, do your best to ignore her. Give your mother all of your support, she is pretty much going through the same as you are, just slightly differently.

I don't think you are a burden at all and I think it is extremely healthy to let your emotions out sometimes, and writing them all down and asking for help is (in my honest opinion) one of the best ways to do so.

Love you lots *huggles* (*hug*)

[Lexington]

First off, re: your aunt. You are not the problem. You are not the burden. The problem is that your aunt is homophobic. The burden is that she doesn't have enough drama in her life, and so she feels she has to start a soap opera starring you and your parents. That's what your parents are dealing with. And quite well, from the sounds of it. Instead of feeling horrible about what your parents are "going through", feel amazing and grateful for how your parents are reacting. Because it sounds like they're doing everyhting right.

Re: your sister. My guess is your sister isn't being homophobic. Well, she is, but more as a means to an end. Your sister sounds like she's at "that age", when everything is SO difficult, and she starts calling Mom "Mother", and all that. Mind you, I'm not saying "Oh, it's not her fault" - it is. But it sounds as if her homophobia serves a couple functions.

1. She gets to get some free jabs in at her older sister - always a plus.
2. She has a good chance of utilizing her fights with you to gain sympathy, and to get you into trouble (see #1).
3. She can blame you for anything going wrong in her social life. "Stacy won't be my friend because my sister's a big fat dyke."

But we got a saying 'round these parts. "Don't go wrestling with the pigs. It just gets you all muddy, and the pig likes it."

When your sister starts in with the comments, look beyond the words. Not just "here's what she's saying" but "why is she saying this?" Because it's never as straightforward as you might think. When your sister calls you something homophobic, it isn't as simple as "she doesn't like lesbians". Think about it. You might find somebody unattractive, but you don't go up to them and say, "You're unattractive." Under what conditions MIGHT you do that? Certainly not to inform them of the fact - they probably know. Most likely, you're trying to make them feel bad.

That's almost certainly what's happening here. Your sister is looking to get in a few punches. Don't let her. When you here the attitude start, when you hear the comments begin, picture her, snout and all, snorting at you from the mudhole, trying to manipulate you into sliding in and going at it. And then don't. Smile (it's a pretty funny image, actually), say "I'm not playing today," and go somewhere she isn't. Your room, outside, whatever. When she stops getting the payoff, she'll stop playing.

Re: job. Yes, rich people bitch, too. Bitching's the great American (and British, apparently) pastime. "I'm laying in a pile of money, and it's giving me such a neckache." "With all these hot guys to sleep with, how am I ever suppose to choose?" Just assume everyone is gonna bitch about something, whether they have something to bitch about or not. :)

But as far as you're concerned, I can only tell you what works here in the States (to a degree), but I'm guessing it'll work there, too. E-mails et al are fine, but applying in person is almost always better. Do a bit of research on the company, go in, ask if they're hiring, see if you can get an application in even if they aren't. If someone takes some time out to talk to you about the company, even if it ends up there are no jobs currently available there, send them a quick note (yes, on paper) thanking them for taking the time out to talk to you. This will help put you in front of mind the second there ARE jobs available. Second hint - nothing is more attractive to employers than employment. Most companies seem more willing to hire someone who is currently employed (even outside their field, or "beneath their station") than someone who isn't. So don't be overly selective about what jobs you might take. Even if it's not a very good one, the fact that you HAVE one will immediately make you more attractive to other employers, and you can keep looking for a better job while you work the less-than-ideal one.

Get out there and pound some bricks. It'll get you away from your sister, too - added bonus. :D

Lex

[beyondken]

More bunches of hugs: (&&&)(*hug*)

Sounds like you're having a rough trot, and I assure you it's not your fault. Please please please please keep sharing what's bugging you or asking for help if you're struggling. Bottling it up, and the self-blame that comes with keeping things to yourself can be ever so damaging, and you don't need such further punishment for things that aren't even your fault.

I think it's pretty cool of you and your mum to agree to having your picture in that article. What is of course entirely not cool is your aunt deciding it was any of her business to butt in. Is it a trait in your extended family to keep out of other peoples' private business? If so, the lack of support is understandable, if rather alienating. Hold onto the supports that you have got.. while you can't choose your family you do get a say in who you reach out to and strive to maintain close relationships with, and these relationships we choose to cherish (good friends, trusted family members, etc.) will usually be the ones that really matter.

If you can try to rally up some support to defend against your aunt's attacks, that might be worth a shot. In the end, though, peoples' opinions of you are much less important than how you actually conduct yourself. Keep doing what feels right for you. You are not responsible for other people's reactions to things you do (eg article). Your aunt is the root of the hurt spreading to your mum and Martin and yourself as she chose to incite some drama rather than keeping her objections or whatever benign and reasonably expressed. Forgive all that you can manage, including yourself.

As for your sister, try to get into a habit of somehow calmly informing your parents what she's done wrong. Perhaps when you're alone in your room after one of these incidents you could try writing down your view on her behaviour and your version of events, to present to a parent once things have settled down a little. Explain that no matter her age or hormonal situation, demeaning anybody is unacceptable. Alternatively, if she continues to get away with being so horrible to people, she'll find she won't have all that much in the way of people willing to stick around her.

And the job thing? You're trying very hard; by the sounds of it putting in a lot more effort than a lot of people do to get a job. This shows determination, initiative and all sorts of wonderful character attributes, whether somebody employs you or not. Eventually you will get a "yes", and in the meantime you can ask your parents for money or hear your sister's cruel jibes knowing that you are already doing what you can to be able to support yourself financially and also displaying those sought after qualities that make you a pretty damn awesome (and useful) person.

I hope some of what I've said can help you or at least combat those destructive messages you're getting from your sister, aunt, "ex-gay" sites, etc. We're here for you, and that means you are totally welcome to let out what's on your mind or ask for support. :thumbsup:

[Paul_UK]

I agree with everything Lex has said.

With the job, the next month or so should be a good time to look for shop work over the Christmas period. Yeah, shop work may be beneath where you're looking and it may only be short term, but it's a job. It's something for your CV and it should get you a good reference as long as you put in the required effort etc.

Some places keep a few of the better Christmas staff on after Christmas (I know Woolworths in Hereford do because Markie works there). So temporary work may not be so temporary if you work hard and get lucky!

[pirateninja]

Bad. Very very bad.

Let's just say a few choice critisisms from my sister resulted in a huge confrontation, not necessarily violent, but hurtful all the same. If I sounded pissed off in my first post about her going on at me, it's nothing to how I feel now.

Admittedly I was hacked off, as only yesterday she'd had one of her goes at me, which ended in me telling her to shut up, and us listening moodily to music in our respective rooms. But let's just say this morning, it's worse than it's ever been.

My dad compained that us constantly arguing is worse than when he and mom were together. Of course, to my sister, her answer was in there quick; "you and mom separated though, that's what me and Holly should do." followed by comments that she hates me, wants me to move out, can't wait for me to go to university, wishes she didn't have a sister, wants me dead etc, before making another list of everything that she doesn't like about me and what a horrible person I am. So I lost my rag, and made my own list of critisisms about her. Needless to say, I didn't make the situation any better.

I won't go into detail, but the resulting argument made mom and dad get together for "a talk" about us. Right now, I'm angry. At her for winding me up, and at myself for getting wound up. The last thing I want is for bad blood between us, and she seems intent on making me feel small every single day. My parents seem to think jealousy is the reason. But even she said loudly that she still can't forgive me for not being the sister she wanted; a lack of heterosexuality and femininity making me "not up to her standard".

Look, thanks for the support guys, but right now things aren't looking brilliant.

[Leigh]

aw babes <3
im sorry youre having a hard time. i really agree with lex aswell (suprise suprise!!) regarding your aunt and your sister...
i cant really say anything else other than HUGS!!!! and you know where i am :) .....


can be more help on the job hunting front though... i think youd make more progress taking your cv into places rather than sending it... or go in and ask for cvs

places keep telling me that they are hiring for xmas jobs in october... i think the trick is to get in there early, though i guess thats a bit rich coming from me as i aint got a job either lol!

if you want you can come take your anger out on my new house :) it needs a bit of work lol!

[Fiorino]

(*hug*)(*hug*)
Hang in there, things will get better.