It's getting out of hand

[goratrix]

Well, I am on a coming out spree. I don't miss a chance, or at least try not to.

this is actually good, I mean, I was able to tell a lot of people and they are all ok with it.

Still, there is still the neverending problem of AC, my crush.

Although I feel that I am slowly getting over him, I know I still have a long way to go, and I'm still obsessed about him.

Anyway, there is this girl (there's always a girl!) that I knew had a crush on AC as well and I helped her to 'get over' him. In reality I did nothing but listen to her and give her some advice (most of it I took from this place, heh). Anyway, I was aparently blind of the consequences of my actions, because she didn't get over her crush, she just changed the 'target'. I felt that she might be falling for me, and I tried to avoid her, and I succeeded a little. But a couple of days ago she made it pretty clear that she wanted something with me. I know rejection, so I felt like crap rejecting her. I used a cheap excuse, I said that I didn't think it would be ethical for me to go out with anyone underage (yeah, I actually said that!).

Anyway, I could see that she was hurt, and it's the second time I have to do this to someone I care about. It's different, LM was my best friend, still is, and will be for quiet some time, but for this other girl, I just feel pitty, she's alone, quiet like me.

I feel like a bastard for letting her down that way, so friday night I almost came out to her in a quiet stressfull environment that would have caused me great troubles. I was able to hold myself. I was inches away, and I'm not using an euphemism, I just had to show her my phone, I have this pic of AC stored. I had it my hand, and the pic was open (i.e. showing on screen).

I don't know what kept me from doing it, probably the idea that It would hurt her more to find out that I had a crush on the same guy I 'helped' her 'forget'. Still, I left it in a quiet awkward situation, I just told her: 'it will hurt you more to know the truth, I'm sorry, but I won't do that to you'. And I entered the class (and she couldn't interrupt it).

Ok, so tuesday I'm seeing her again, and I have to make a decision:

a) be a bastard, son of a bitch and hurt her, probably leave her in a situation very much similar to mine

b) tell her the truth, be a bastard son of a bitch and hurt her, but let her understand my reasons, and hopefully remain friends.

Right now I see no other options... anyone?

[tinkergeek]

Well, "Honesty is the best policy," and, of course, communication is the foundation to any relationship. So, I'd suggest you come out to her so she knows that you didn't reject her based completey on her. I think it might help her hurt, maybe not though.

You may want to talk about AC with her, because it is obvious you still have issues with him. Though, unless she takes the gay thing in stride, I'd hold off dropping that bomb shell. You don't want to mix emotions more than you have to.

Try talking with her in the understanding that you want to strengthen your relationship. Hopefully, she'll see the value in it all. :-)

[goratrix]

For the first time since I came out to LM I truly fear the outcome of this. Although I've made my choice, and I will come out to her, I will not tell her about my crush on AC, not yet anyways, I'll see how she takes it first...

[joeyconnick]

Still, I left it in a quiet awkward situation, I just told her: 'it will hurt you more to know the truth, I'm sorry, but I won't do that to you'. And I entered the class (and she couldn't interrupt it).

[munch]

Right now I see no other options... anyone?One thing I would STRONGLY recommend is that you avoid situations where you tell people or indicate "I have this great big secret" and then refuse to reveal what it is to them (as you describe above). It's a great way to lose friends. It's also a great way to be passive-aggressive about coming out. Either tell people or don't--the inbetween thing is insulting to them and makes your sexual orientation into this melodramatic revelation, which is personally demeaning.

Yes, it's a big deal to tell someone. But it's big enough that it needs no embellishment in the form of "will I or won't I tell X?" This is life, not a soap opera. Your friends don't deserve to be led on in this fashion.

[Paul_UK]

I agree with Joey there. If you make it into a drama, she will feel expected to act dramatically and it can all get out of hand. A big build-up over previous meetings or conversations is for TV drama programmes (for the benefit of the audience), not for real life! Keep it matter-of-fact.

She may have already been wondering if you are gay/bi, so you may just be confirming her suspicions.

I think you may be right to keep your crush on AC out of the discussion initially. One thing at a time. However the conversation may come around to him anyway, in which case just be honest and again don't make a big issue of it.

Please let us know how it goes.

[jenny2005]

I definately think it is best if you tell her that you are gay. As for the moment, I wouldn't tell her that you have a crush on the same guy, because that would be too much all at once. Also, you aren't entirely sure how she will take it, so I would wait a long time, until she is completely comfortable with your sexuality, to start talking about your own feelings for AC. If you are telling her to preserve your friendship, than it's best to focus on her feelings during your first conversation. Hope all goes well!

[hawkeye]

you know, just a random thought, but it occured to me while reading this that we are on the short side of the stick in situations like these. This girl has a crush on the same guy you have a crush on. well, only one of you have much of a chance at all if he's straight.
About telling this girl, I just keep getting this thought that telling her you're gay may not make her stop wanting you as a boyfriend. When you tell her, I think a good think to help with is to have her find a boyfriend, which is actually funny because both of you are looking for a boyfriend.

[goratrix]

you know, just a random thought, but it occured to me while reading this that we are on the short side of the stick in situations like these. This girl has a crush on the same guy you have a crush on. well, only one of you have much of a chance at all if he's straight.

Not even. She's very insecure, and I don't think he'll ever look at her in that way... still, strangest things have happened. Anyway, she want's something rather serious, and he doesn't... that's why I don't think they will ever work out. Hell, that's why I think he and I will never work out either... XD (just realized that... thanks!)

About telling this girl, I just keep getting this thought that telling her you're gay may not make her stop wanting you as a boyfriend. When you tell her, I think a good think to help with is to have her find a boyfriend, which is actually funny because both of you are looking for a boyfriend.

It may not make her stop wanting me, but she will have a better understanding of WHY I don't want her. And it will make it easyer for her to get over her crush. And I know she'll be able to talk about it with some of her friends, other than me, obviously. And that will help her, a lot.

My case is similar, so I can relate: I have a crush on a striaght guy. It's quiet similar for a girl to have a crush on a gay guy... Still, It's way harder for me to even talk about it... let alone to him!

Anyway, I fear that out of anger, resent and dissappointment she'll tell everyone, and that will not be easy for me. Specially because the matter arouse a few days before, and I found out that the master is not completely ok with it. And he's the only one that matters to me. In fact I think that mostly everyone else will be ok with it... it will take them some time to adjust, but it's not like they are going to stake me and burn me to ashes... or will they?

Oh dear balance!!! My heart is pounding just thinking of what it would be!

It will be hard to tell her, I need to be sure, I need to tell her... I can't bare having this in my mind, not now.

[popboy]

A resented girl spreading the news around... probably the worst prospect...

What if you just tell her you have a crush with someone else??? (mind the translation... "con otra persona", not "con alguien más" as some mistakenly translate!). I'm not encouraging you to lie, though you will probably have to if she's curious about it. Maybe the timing is not right for doing any other thing... there's no other but you to figure this out (what a cliche!).
Let us know how this story goes on...

[goratrix]

I'll get this one, thank you: you can say con alguien más and con otra persona, and they have pretty similar meanings...

con alguien más is a little more poetical, and thus more mysterious... so... that's my phrase of choice, still... the other one might be a little more... hmmm. leading...