Help! I'm confused... am I gay or bisexual???

[confusedkid]

Hey everybody. I'm 20 and I'm gay. I'm pretty sure that I am. Ha. Welcome to life with diagnosed OCD (yes, that's right, I'm not just somebody who says that I'm OCD, it's actually diagnosed). Even though I'm gay, I keep doubting as to whether I actually am or not, that perhaps I could be bisexual.

I constantly look at women and try to decide if I'm attracted to them but to no avail. I always come up with the same answer: "She's pretty/cute/whatever" but I have never had that "Oh man, she's hot... I gotta get her in bed" feeling. Breasts, hips, long hair, makeup do absolutely nothing for me sexually... I could stare right at a "hot" naked chick and not even have any type of sensation, even though I like heterosexual porn; however, I'm pretty much looking at the guy throughout the entire thing and could care less what the girl looks like or how big her tits are. Lesbian sex does absolutely nothing for me except offer an interesting female anatomy lesson. :lol:

Even knowing all this, I keep thinking that perhaps I could have an emotional relationship with a woman and then the sexual attraction would follow... that may sound stupid but I come up with all kinds of scenarios in my mind... But the more I think about it, the more I believe that any "relationship" I have with a woman would be, at most, close but forever platonic... much like the relationships I have with my best friends (who, surprise, are all female.) But the thought of me having a sexual relationship with any of my female friends makes me gag... they're like my sisters :eek:

I haven't done anything sexual (beyond making out) with either sex but I think that just has to do more with me being a prude... (Don't worry, I'm workin' on it and I'm sure that my inner-slutiness will soon present itself!) I know I'm attracted to guys because I'll see guys and be instantly drawn to just sit and stare at them (like my one friend says, I'm "subtle like a freight train") and if given a choice to look behind door #1 (a woman undressing) and door #2 (a man undressing) I'd run over to door #2 and pray that the guy's wearing boxerbriefs! :eusa_danc

You may be saying to yourself: "Well, that's it. You're attracted to guys, so what are you bothering us for?" But I just can't keep thinking that I could possibly be attracted to women... It gives me a certain amount of comfort to know that most people are not 100% gay or straight and that even guys who call themselves and are primarily gay may, once in a while, be attracted to a woman. Because, if I ever am attracted to a female, it's mostly because she either has a pretty face (read: great eyes or smile) or a great personality but it doesn't mean that I'd want to feel her up or see her undressed and on my bed! :lol:

I know people say that we shouldn't be concerned with labels, but I think we should be for two reasons. One, when I come out to the rest of my friends (and later family) I want to be able to say with certainty what I am. I mean, how can you tell someone that you're gay without being sure? Once you tell someone that, it's near impossible to take it back and be like, "Oh, wait. I was just kidding." Plus, I'd like to have a response to those people who ask (as they already have) "So, you're not attracted to women at all?" and tell them with a degree of certainty that I'm not attracted to women in "that way."

Second, as it relates to my OCD, the usual way to overcome doubts is to check once, and then tell yourself repeatedly the way something is and exercise a great amount of self control not to get up and check again. For example, when I'm laying in bed and start to doubt if the door's locked I'll tell myself. "I know I locked the door and that I am NOT going to get up and check it." I want to be able to do the same thing with my sexual orientation and tell myself, "I'm gay, I know I'm gay and I'm not going to doubt it anymore" because that's the only way people with OCD are able to overcome their doubts. But I just have to be sure in the first place that I'm gay and that I'm just not telling myself that and conditioning myself to accepting that I'm gay... even though I could not be. ACK! :mad: You see why I have problems???

What I really need is for somebody to tell me what I am. (Why hasn't the pharmaceutical industry come out with a "pregnancy test" for homosexuality? You know, pee on the stick and it tells you whether you're gay or straight) I know it's not that cut and dry but I really it to be (at least in my head) if I'm ever going to stop this incessant doubting.

Anyway, thanks for reading my thoughts and I hope that somebody can help me figure out who I am and perhaps offer some of their own thoughts or experiences and what they did that let them know they're actually gay/bi/straight! :eusa_pray

[Matt]

Wow. You sound like a smart, down-to-earth, and sensible guy! In my experience, at this point, you've experienced puberty (a long time ago) and if you were to be sexually attracted to females in any way you would've already known. I know you said that you could form an emotional relationship with a woman and then sexual attracton may follow... although it seems logical (and romantic) that's hardly the case, in my experience. I tried this routine for a few years before I finally admitted to myself that it didn't work like that and I'd better get used to being gay. That you recognize yourself watching the man in hetero porn and lesbian porn does nothing is good. In my opinion, that's a deal-sealer... however, that element of self-doubt persists.

I failed nursing school because I doubted myself. When I went and reviewed the test before submitting it, I changed answers, I talked myself out a few right answers, and I all the time I knew better. When it came time to get our final grade, I scored three points too low on my final to graduate, putting my graduation off 364 days.

I guess I said all that to say this: self-doubt is honest-to-God the worst, most destructive thing on the face of the planet, but it seems like you have a pretty good hold on it.

You don't have to categorize yourself as gay or straight or bisexual...Above all, just be true to yourself. You are who you are, and that should please everyone that's important to you. And I'm sure it already does.

[nisomer]

I think matt pretty much nailed it :)

[hawkeye]

Hey! it sounds like we are pretty much in the same boat. I'm 16 and claim to be bi, but I'm torn over whether I'm truely bi or gay.I've spent quite a while thinking things like this over. I'll never forget the first thing my mom said to me when I told her that I'm bi: "You're just confused", and she gave me a hug. Here, my first partial thought was "yea, wait, no i'm not!" Looking back, I thought, "what was she thinking! she actually thought that she knew me better than I do!" I know that I like guys, as in, I get crushes on them and fascinate about them. Heck, the last time I masturbated to a girl must have been a year ago. But then again, the thought always comes up: "what if i wouldn't like guys", so I've come to the conclusion that I cant be absolutely sure whether I truly like guys untill i actualy have a relationship.
So, my closing thought is that in order to be sure whether you like guys, you need to find one (or more) and experiment. find out what you realy like.

[confusedkid]

Wow. You sound like a smart, down-to-earth, and sensible guy!

Thank you! :kiss:

So, my closing thought is that in order to be sure whether you like guys, you need to find one (or more) and experiment. find out what you realy like.

Oh, believe me, I'm working on it. Especially this past semester at school, I've been going out a lot more and, since I luckily live in DC (which I know some people claim isn't "gay enough" given the number of gay people who live here-- whatever), I'm able to go to some clubs and bars and hang out with friends (especially the ones that I've come out to) and just not care what people think. I have a few crushes on guys but I just need to make sure that they're gay before I make a move... (Thank you Facebook! :eusa_danc )

But yeah, the more I think about it, the more I know that I'm gay. It's just that thinking about myself like that then really starts to scare me and then I go right back to the "Well, maybe I do like women" mentality. But I think I've settled it, I'm gay and that any relationships I have with women would just be just close friendships- I couldn't lie to myself or somebody I care about and get married, have kids (eww... vaginas are scary :lol: ), and all the while know I'm gay... That's not fair to anybody, including myself.

Thanks everybody.
-CK

[goratrix]

Ok, I don't say this to a lot of people, but you seem to be really smart. And that's is, actually, not a compliment. You try to think too much, while being gay or straight or bi is just a matter of feeling. If you recognize that you don't feel a sexual attraction to women, then most likely you are gay... still, it's up to you to make your mind, and to choose a label (if you choose any).

Personally, I don't like labels, for a matter of convenience and ease of comunication I label myself GAY most of the times, for I have no real physical attraction to women, and I do to men.

On the other hand, I don't know if you can treat this particular issue as 'locking the door'. I mean, it takes most people quiet a lot of time to finally accept homosexuality... so don't expect a one-day solution... because there isn't. It took me well... 7 years almost to finally accept I was gay, for instance.

I think that you may be undergoing the denial stage of your coming out to yourself, and that perhaps you are hiding behind some other issue in your life to not accept it.

And as for 'taking it back'... well, I don't think I'll ever have to, but a friend of my brother's actually came out to the group, and then took it back... and is now dating women...

So don't worry much of what other people think, just be honest with yourself.

Make peace with yourself, and you shall have peace with others.

[goratrix]

Oh, and I think i should add: You are absolutely not bothering us! we are here to give you our support, and to help you in the best way we can. And if you get something out of this, that's all the reward we need, to know that we were able to help someone through the same situation we had to go through ourselves.

It's too soon to tell, still, I think I like you... you seem a cool guy, with issues, like everyone... I'd love to know you better...

[Aaron]

My general impression is that because you are a self proclaimed "prude," maybe you are still in a denial phase. It sounds like you have a genuine attraction to men, which is good! :thumbsup: Also, it seems to me that if you have to try and decide whether or not you like a woman, then you probably aren't sexually attracted to them (at least, not as much as men).

My advice would be to follow your insticts...you seem to be on the right track, and looking for a guy to get involved with. And you're doing that the right way - ie going to clubs, etc, and NOT hooking up anonymously with some old creep who doesn't care about you.

Just go with the flow...there is no need to label yourself yet....ur only 20. How about being "bi-curious" or "open minded" for a while to see how things play out?

Good luck.

PS - You seem to be very practical in your thought process here. I'm sure you'll be fine! :)

[hawkeye]

Ok, I don't say this to a lot of people, but you seem to be really smart. And that's is, actually, not a compliment. You try to think too much, while being gay or straight or bi is just a matter of feeling.

Gahh! I think i have that problem. I kind of just realized it recently. I remember wondering if thinking so much out was getting to be overwhelming. Hopefully this summer will usher in a more "free" mindset for me again.

Alas, being smart is no longer a complement.

Ahh, last point I've noticed, I guess I'm going to have to become obsessive compulsive (JK!). That seems to be one of our few differences.

[confusedkid]

Wow. Thank you guys so much for the great tips and stuff.

I think what you all are saying is definitely right, especially Goratrix when he says that I'm probably thinking too much, which I am sure is definitely part of my issues.

As for this being denial... it could be... although, I've already told my closest friends that I'm gay (yeah, I actually told them that I'm gay, not bi). I don't think I'd be able to tell people that if I really wasn't sure of who I am... But I think Aaron hit a nail on the head when he said that if I look at girls trying to decide whether or not I'm attracted to them then I'm probably not, and he's right. Deep down I know that I'm not attracted to girls (except to have as really close friends... Quick interjection: Anybody else idolize Angelina Jolie? OK, right. Just me. Oh well. :grin: ) and so I don't know why I keep coming back to the idea that maybe I do, maybe that's the denial part. Oh well... I wonder if there are any straight guys who wonder incessantly that they might be gay. Hah. I'm sure there are so I must be the gay opposite of that... a gay guy who keeps wondering if he's straight. Man, I should make this into a movie... (with Angelina Jolie in it, of course, and with Ryan Reynolds as the love interest... yum :lol: )

Anyway, thanks.

P.S. (Two things) 1. Would any of you guys get weirded out if a guy IMed you who saw you're profile online on, say, MySpace or Facebook? I'm just thinking, if you put you're information up there, it's kinda like you want somebody to contact you... but part of me thinks that's too stalker-like! :lol:

2. Did anybody else watch Blade Trinity and then keep watching the scenes with Ryan Reynolds in them over and over again? *Raises Hand* Oh, I see... I'm the only one... again. Right. Oh well. :icon_wink

Yeah, that's it. I'm out. Catch y'all later.

-CK

[Aaron]

1. I know lots of gay guys who like ANgelina Jolie...I guess they figure if they ever have to go with a girl, they'd want it to be her...

2. If Ryan Reynolds is in the movie, he has to be conflicted about maybe being gay to, and get together with Colin Farrell...cuz they are both hot.

mmm....Colin...

[confusedkid]

2. If Ryan Reynolds is in the movie, he has to be conflicted about maybe being gay to, and get together with Colin Farrell...cuz they are both hot.

mmm....Colin...

Oh hellz yes. (!)

[goratrix]

Ryan Reynolds's scenes are the only thing I liked on that movie. I mean... john doe was dracula!!! who are you kidding!. It really sucked.

[spydar]

:arrow: just ask yourself "what gets you up at night ?":dry: