Toughts of a Thursday Night

[goratrix]

Ok, I seem to be really creative on Thursday Nights... and for the last few weeks I've been writing things. So I figured I'd start a thread here and post them... I write them in english anyway... so...

Here it is:

May 26, 2005. (Thursday, DUH!)

Nothing could help me. I needed a change. I had to do it, I'm not sorry, I don't feel guilty, I actually feel relief. I do not deny that my heart has long desired for it to be false, but it's not, and I must face it. It's been 18 years, I shouldn't have had to keep the secret... it shouldn't have been a secret. That is my only regret, I have delayed my life 18 years, and just our of fear to society.

This is something that not only affects me personally, but also affects the way I relate to people. And I must say I'm proud of the human I turned out to be. Though not flawless, I do have a moral and ethical code which I follow constantly and am very fund of.

Not knowing what is going to happen next is part of life, will they understand? will they accept me? will our whole relationship change? Should I change the way I act arround them? For the first time since I was very young i feel like I'm loosing control of my life, it's not a nice feeling, but it takes a burden from me.

It's a choice, to come out or not. It's not a choice to be. Still, I don't regret this, and I don't resent it. I just accept it as part of myself, and am learning to live with it. I hope you can do this as well, for it's not changing, and I don't wont, and won't let our relationship spoil over this.

Dating, finding love. It's not easy for me, it never was. I am not really comfortably out yet, so I guess it'll take quiet a lot of time for me to be comfortable making a move on a guy. Still, if I'm completeley sure about his sexuality, it might be easyer for me. I do not fear rejection. That is a lie, I do fear rejection, but I do understand that it's also part of life. However, there is a difference between being rejected and being humilliated. And making a move on a straight guy could leat to awkward situations, and perhaps even offensive to him. I think that is the kind of rejection I fear the most, being humilliated out of embarrasment, out of resent, out of hatred. If it should happen that someone does not like me, It's part of life, but prejudice? hatred? that's not something I think I can handle. Ok, I probably will handle it, should the oportunity arise... but I sure as hell won't make it happen, I won't encourage it...

I see that I have still mucho work to do, and much self-descovery to undergo. I guess hiding in solving equations is just plain easyer.

I think that 'the news' leaked and my friends found out. Tonight I'll find out, and see what happens. Send me all the good energies you can, for I will need them all. I'm facing multiple come outs, or perhaps even a group come out... so it's going to be rough on me. And hell! tomorrow I have a trigonometry-geometry study session... THAT will be hard...

[confusedkid]

Ouch. Multiple come outs? That might be hard to deal with but you can handle it. Just be sure of who you are and don't be ashamed. If people find out, who knows? You might be surprised and they might just not care and everything will continue on like normal (just better!) That's how it happened with my friends... everything's exactly the same except that we now all check out guys together. :lol:

Pero en serio, buena suerte. Estoy seguro que todo pasará bien esta noche. (Y más, buena suerte en la prueba!)

[hawkeye]

i feel for you. hope everything goes well, be strong.
small word of advse, I've been leading so many things lately, scouts, marketing, school projects, ect. and I'm nowhere near perfect, and I've made my share of mistakes. I've found out that you always will be looked up to, no matter what people think of you, if you are confident in yourself. If you can shrug off criticism and show that you know what your doing, people will look up to you.

[goratrix]

It didn't go. Neither well nor bad. It just didn't happen. Oh, well. I can't say it was a bad night, we actually had a lot of fun. But the subject did not arise... this is awkward... I don't know whether(see, I'm a fast learner) the secret is out or not... :'(

[hawkeye]

you know, chances are, if anyone knows, they may not want to bring it up just because they might think something will change. so even if they know, they may never mention it. Another possibility is that they just dont care. If they heard something and they dont care, there's no way they are going to bother with the subject.

[goratrix]

Ahhh... why to humans have to be so damn complicated... if we could all just be binary... black or white, 0 or 1...

Anyway... I guess you are right... I don't know what will happen... oh, whatever... I guess I'll move on and continue living my life...

[goratrix]

Well, for those of you who own a calendar, you probably noticed taht today isn't thursday... anyway... I needed to update this.

Let's see... where to begin... Ah! yeah! concerning hobbits....

I've had a rough week... the weekend was great. I met a friend who moved away and was here for a few weeks, and we had a great time together. I did all those weekend-like stuff. My friends and I went to the movies, watched The Ring 2. Not a great film, but it was ok.

Ok, when I say rough week you proabaly think it's bad... well. it's not! it's actually good! I had a week where all I cared about was college, tests and studying. No human relations!

Well, remember that girl I came out to because I felt she was falling for me? I talked to her a little bit more, and decided that it was for the best that we didn't see each other any more... or at least not as much. So I started arriving late, when I knew she wouldn't be there. We haven't spoken in a week, I think on tuesday I'll go see what's of her :-). Anyway, as a sidekicker on avoiding her, I kind of started spending less time with AC, so I was actually avoiding him as well. Anyway, I couldn't go on tuesday and thursday because I had to study, and on monday and wednesday I just went at 9pm, when he wasn't supposed to be there! well, guess what.. HE WAS there. I don't know if it's fate laughing at my face or what... but the one week I try to avoid him, he stays until I get there... that's not fair!

I noted him a little... well... down the last few days, (since wednesday) and last night (friday) I asked if something was wrong. I think I'm starting to care about him in a more friendwise way... There was actually nothing wrong, he was just tired and had a bad day at school (like, welcome to MY world).

Well. I'll reproduce a part of a conversation with popboy and a later e-mail he sent me: (please, excuse the translation)

ME: I'm enlove with the idealization of a guy, that in reality i can't read (both the guy and the idealization), he's homophobic and underage.

Pupboy: the fact that he is homophobic and underage are the rational obstacles less convincing you could have thought.

Popboy (in his e-mail): I am surprised that you thought that him being homophobic and underage were greater obstacles than him being straigh.

I mean... what the hell is wrong with me... why didn't I think of that? because I DIDN'T!

ok, thursday was over two days ago... so I think it's time for me to end this post.

Thanks you guys for reading and putting up with me... :-)

[goratrix]

Well, here I am, thursday night once again.

Quick summary of my week before I get to what I have to say tonight: Well, I didn't have anything not normal with tkd. Wednesday I went there earlyer and talked for about an hour with AC... oh, my dear AC... before that a friend told me he was dropping out of college (probably a good choice for him right now) and that he was going to start tkd again (at the same place as me). Well, nothing really important there...

Oh, except perhaps that AC told me he had problems with his computer... I couldn't help myself and offered him help. Today I wasn't really in the mood, so I didn't go to tkd and couldn't help him... but perhaps tomorrow I'll get to go to his house to help him with his computer... finally being a nerd is paying off!! I don't expect anything will happen, still as a friend I want to help him. And if we become friends I could actually come out to him... it would be nice to have him at least know I'm gay... then perhaps my obsession could turn elsewhere... which leads me to the subject of today's post.

Ok, a friend (male, and aware of my sexuality) had some trouble with his computer (yay! being a nerd is really paying off!) and made a backup of his files on my HDD (which means I have complete access to them). Still I didn't check them for that would have been disrispectfull. Anyway, the trouble is that I think he's particularly hot. He is by all means the definition of the perfet guy... Still, straight as ax+by+c=0 (sorry, I AM A NERD!). He's smart, funny, honest, and in some ways really vulnerable, yet confident. The first time i saw him I couldn't stop looking at his eyes... I mean, I actually couldn't! I think he felt weird as I stared at him, and looked away when he looked at me. Well, I actually considered him a friend and nothing more. But lately I've had some feelings for him I can't really understand... like I care about him too much... perhaps even more than I shoudl. I act noticeably different when I'm with him... I don't know what he feels or if he even notices... but I fear.

The fact is that his gf just went away for holidays (for about a month) but for some reasons I won't give out now he's really depressed. And i mean REALLY. I can usually sense when someone is feeling down, but with him there are many people who noticed besides me... so I don't know what to do. On one hand I really want to tell him I like him, still I don't think he can handle it right now...

With him I DO have a friendship I really care about, and wouldn't give up for anything in this world... so... what can I do? Telling him is not an option, falling for him as I fell for AC isn't an option either...

Ok, on the good side of my week: I got 100% on geometry!!! :-)

Love you all, thanks for reading this!