confusedkid
9th Jun 2005, 04:44 PM
Hey everybody. I'm bored, and when I'm bored, that means that I get to thinkin'... but I decided that this time that I'd actually turn my thoughts into a post... yeah, so feel free to comment on whatever, I'm just puttin' stuff out there. It'd be cool if people did the same!
Random thought numero uno: Why does it seem like the more steps that I take towards coming out fully and being a ful-fledged fag do I always start to have even more doubts about who I am... fucked up, ain't it? For example, I've told even more people I'm gay, gone to gay clubs, gay concerts, hit on and flirted with guys and yet I have this creeping notion... "could I still be straight? Do I just like guys because I've convinced myself that I'm gay, even though I'm not? I keep telling myself "no," that I'm just gay but the thoughts are still there... I think this is must be what a schizophrenic must feel like... they know what's just in their mind but sometimes end up actually believing that things that aren’t real really are… bah fuck this. And then to make matters worse, I *know* I’m gay, no use hiding it, but fuckin’ A, why do I still look at girls and wonder? I dunno, maybe I *am* attracted to them… why do I watch straight porn???… but no. I’m like a freakin’ Alzheimer’s patient… I know something sooo surely at one moment and then am completely insecure and confused the next… yeah, and it seems the more I’ve been coming out and stuff the worse the fears and thoughts have gotten… I mean, when I think about it, the idea of never having a falling in love with a girlfriend, getting married and having kids and a house in the suburbs kinda scares me. i'm sure the only reason it scares me is because it's what society and family wants everybody to do and I've always been able to do anything that I've set my mind to, except doing the whole nuclear family thing...
Here’s the latest “fear” that was killing me last night… is sexuality fluid? Can we be genuinely straight for most of your life and then start to become gay in your 30s and 40s? Even 50s??? (And I’m not talking about guys who married just because they felt the pressure to live a “normal” life…) And if that’s possible, then can a person who’s gay start to become straight (like, seriously, not living a lie or anything like that, but genuinely become straight)??? See this is what I get thinking about… grrrrr I mean, if that can happen... well then fuck, anything would be possible then, wouldn't it? And then everything starts pouring in... IS this really a choice? I mean, I don't think so, but it could be!?! I mean, I like guys. But maybe I only like guys because I told myself I should... chicken or the egg? I see guys on some sites who say they're "straight" but still like dick and like jacking off with guys... uhh... doesn't that mean that they're at least bisexual or is it really possible to be straight but still get off with guys? Who the fuck knows... I mean, I don't want to get into a debate about how people get to be gay or anything like that, b/c really, it shoudln't matter. Not to compare being gay to a disease, but it's the best analogy I could come up with right now... is colon cancer genetic or the result of your environment? I don't think it matters too much to the person who has cancer how they got it, just the fact that they do is enough, right?
I dunno, maybe it’s just something psychological/psychiatric with me… maybe it’s that the more I go forward with expressing who I am the more I fear not being able to retreat and go back… I just can’t understand how some guys, in their early teens and stuff, can be so sure about their sexuality and everything while I’m here at 20 and still going through this whole confusion stage (which at times I seriously think I’ve gotten out of… I mean, I probably wouldn’t be coming out to people and doing pride events if I wasn’t at least part of the way sure who I am…) I just hope that I’m not convincing or deluding myself into thinking one way or another and that me still looking at girls and wondering about any kind of attraction is just more of this fear manifesting itself into self-delusion… wow this totally sounds like a ton of bullshit psyhobabble! Hahaha oh well, like I said, I’m just writin’ out my thoughts…
-CK
Random thought numero uno: Why does it seem like the more steps that I take towards coming out fully and being a ful-fledged fag do I always start to have even more doubts about who I am... fucked up, ain't it? For example, I've told even more people I'm gay, gone to gay clubs, gay concerts, hit on and flirted with guys and yet I have this creeping notion... "could I still be straight? Do I just like guys because I've convinced myself that I'm gay, even though I'm not? I keep telling myself "no," that I'm just gay but the thoughts are still there... I think this is must be what a schizophrenic must feel like... they know what's just in their mind but sometimes end up actually believing that things that aren’t real really are… bah fuck this. And then to make matters worse, I *know* I’m gay, no use hiding it, but fuckin’ A, why do I still look at girls and wonder? I dunno, maybe I *am* attracted to them… why do I watch straight porn???… but no. I’m like a freakin’ Alzheimer’s patient… I know something sooo surely at one moment and then am completely insecure and confused the next… yeah, and it seems the more I’ve been coming out and stuff the worse the fears and thoughts have gotten… I mean, when I think about it, the idea of never having a falling in love with a girlfriend, getting married and having kids and a house in the suburbs kinda scares me. i'm sure the only reason it scares me is because it's what society and family wants everybody to do and I've always been able to do anything that I've set my mind to, except doing the whole nuclear family thing...
Here’s the latest “fear” that was killing me last night… is sexuality fluid? Can we be genuinely straight for most of your life and then start to become gay in your 30s and 40s? Even 50s??? (And I’m not talking about guys who married just because they felt the pressure to live a “normal” life…) And if that’s possible, then can a person who’s gay start to become straight (like, seriously, not living a lie or anything like that, but genuinely become straight)??? See this is what I get thinking about… grrrrr I mean, if that can happen... well then fuck, anything would be possible then, wouldn't it? And then everything starts pouring in... IS this really a choice? I mean, I don't think so, but it could be!?! I mean, I like guys. But maybe I only like guys because I told myself I should... chicken or the egg? I see guys on some sites who say they're "straight" but still like dick and like jacking off with guys... uhh... doesn't that mean that they're at least bisexual or is it really possible to be straight but still get off with guys? Who the fuck knows... I mean, I don't want to get into a debate about how people get to be gay or anything like that, b/c really, it shoudln't matter. Not to compare being gay to a disease, but it's the best analogy I could come up with right now... is colon cancer genetic or the result of your environment? I don't think it matters too much to the person who has cancer how they got it, just the fact that they do is enough, right?
I dunno, maybe it’s just something psychological/psychiatric with me… maybe it’s that the more I go forward with expressing who I am the more I fear not being able to retreat and go back… I just can’t understand how some guys, in their early teens and stuff, can be so sure about their sexuality and everything while I’m here at 20 and still going through this whole confusion stage (which at times I seriously think I’ve gotten out of… I mean, I probably wouldn’t be coming out to people and doing pride events if I wasn’t at least part of the way sure who I am…) I just hope that I’m not convincing or deluding myself into thinking one way or another and that me still looking at girls and wondering about any kind of attraction is just more of this fear manifesting itself into self-delusion… wow this totally sounds like a ton of bullshit psyhobabble! Hahaha oh well, like I said, I’m just writin’ out my thoughts…
-CK