cutting through my soul like a cold steel blade

[goratrix]

Ok.... I just sat here for about 15 minutes trying to think where to begin.

I thought I was over him... I really and honestly did.

Today I went there, and I fell for him all over again. I'm back at where I started. I really need closure with him, or I will be hanging on to him for the rest of my life.

So, I went there and for some reason didn't start practicing... I just stood there and helped him with some math problems he had. I could see myself falling for him. So... when we were done studying (2 and a half hours later) I found myself thinking the same things I thought back in my first days posting here...

The difference is that I now know that I am desperate for love, and that somehow I feel he can give it to me. And I also know that I am confusing respect and perhaps even a little appreceation as a friend for love, and that is what hurts me.

The only improvement.... I can now cry. I don't know if that helps, but it made me feel better.

I am feeling alone again in the world.

I'm off to bed... I will lie there for the entire night, feeling sorry for myself, until I start feeling better in the morning, and realize that there is more to life than this guy... but right now... I care about nothing...

Oh dear... I never thought I would say this, but I actually THANK fox for showing such good programation right now... family guy, father of the pride, futurama, the simpsons...


REALLY DEPRESSED,
Gotratrix.-

[hawkeye]

geeze, i know how you feel. I just wish i could have a boyfriend. There's this one friend of mine who i first met... 14 months ago (its easy to remember, i'm not obsessed). Anyways, This kid is really cute. I first saw him in the 3rd quarter of school last year, and boy did i fall for him. only thing, i didnt know him at all. So it was a crush. Then, for some reason, right at the start of the 4th quarter we met and became really good friends. Uhh oh. First i like him and then become friends.. not good. Ok, so at the beginning of this past school year, he moved an hour away... and we became better friends. Now I'm crazy about him and we are great friends. He was even the first person i told that I'm not straight. So now i like this guy, he knows I'm gay, and i can be sure that he isnt. To make everything worse, I dont know of a single gay guy my age at all. well, everyone thinks my cousin's gay, but not only do i not know for sure, he's my cousin. Why cant it be as easy as finding a girl.

Goratrix, we need to move closer together.

btw, i found the full story i posted here (http://emptyclosets.com/forum/showpost.php?p=239&postcount=1)

[joeyconnick]

The difference is that I now know that I am desperate for love, and that somehow I feel he can give it to me. And I also know that I am confusing respect and perhaps even a little appreceation as a friend for love, and that is what hurts me.

The only improvement.... I can now cry. I don't know if that helps, but it made me feel better.Being able to cry is actually a really, really good sign. I strongly endorse crying--it's actually really great.

Something to keep in mind that if you feel desperate, then it probably isn't love you're looking for so much as... well, a place in the world, or an antidote to loneliness. What I guess I mean is that one person cannot, no matter how wonderful, cure that kind of desperation--it's more something where you have to unearth the feelings which are causing the desperation, sift through them, and figure out how to bring those needs back into the realm of ordinary feelings, rather than extreme ones.