Heterosexual Attention

[Lava421]

Background: I'm a gay male. I frequently hang out with a girl we'll call Sara

While hanging out with Sara one day, I was wondering if I could get her to like me. Just as an experiment kind of thing to see what I'm capable of attracting. I began to flirt with her by doing silly things like poking her, being overly friendly, and being energetic.

Soon after, she did the same things back to me plus more. She often extends her hand to touch my stomach, hugs me multiple times in short periods, and constantly tells me I "smell good." She has referred to as more than a friend, called me attractive, and asked me to prom (I declined and blamed it on the cost).

A friend who knows my sexuality went out with her. I told him I was 99% sure his ex likes me because of her increased spontaneous-behavior. He talked to her and verified my hypothesis. He asked me what I'll do if she tries to kiss me. I hadn't thought of this situation so I began to worry.

One day I went to her house with a group of friends to hang out. She asked me if I wanted to take a private walk in the misty rain with her. She often asks me to do things with her that will create a private setting. Later in the day, she asked me if I wanted to go to her room with her. I accepted so that's where we went. She shut the door and we laid on her bed and talked for about 20 minutes. Nothing sexual happened although I worried about the scenario.

I want to maintain our friendship but I want to erase her amorousness.
I'm too ashamed to tell her my flirtatious behavior meant nothing.
I feel my actions could have been considered friendly and not flirtatious but they were intended to be the latter.
I thought nothing would happen because I didn't think I could get her to like me.
I didn't know I could be this inconsiderate about others' feelings.

---

That was something I wrote a few months ago that I now felt like sharing.

I haven't seen Sara in months but I bet her feelings still exist. I wasn't originally looking for advice but now that I think about it, I'm curious about what others have to say on this topic.

Can anybody relate to this situation?
What do you do about a girl who won't leave you alone?

[hawkeye]

I've been in that situation before, except that I really didn't realize that what I was doing could make her (I'll call her Becky) like me. It all just started out with me jokingly insulting her. Hows that for making a girl like you. Insult her. well, pretty soon I reallized she was walking by me a lot, and always talked to me. Now, for some reason, whatever I do I make it look like I'm joking, so when I try to avoid her, She just takes it like I'm joking. Woops. I think that she has found out through her friends that i dont really like her, but I dont know if she'd believe it.

As long as she doesnt have interest in me, and I'm sure that is not the case, I wouldn't mind her hanging around me, afterall, she hasn't brought me into any situations where it's just me and her. Unfortunately for girls though, they tend to get hooked on people.

I guess it was pointless to call her Becky considering this is the 2nd time i've used the name. But what the heck, I dont get to use the name often.

[goratrix]

Ok, I've been in that situation twice before.

The first one was with LM (my female best friend). I know she had deep feelings for me, until I once told her that I only saw her as a friend, and that nothing could ever happen between us. Exactly one year later I told her I was gay. She is a very strong person, and took it well.

The second one I handled a little better. This time was with SF, and it was a little bit more complicated for me. Still, I took the right path for me in that time. She fell for me (even though I never intended to make her feel that I liked her). Once I told her nothing could happen between us, adn the next day I told her I was gay. It took her a little longer to accept it, but she finally did.

I'm not suggesting you come out to her, I'm just pointing it as a kind of solution that wouldn't hurt her feelings as much as if she thought that you were just fooling her or something.

About being incosiderate... I'm not going to lie... when I started reading your post I wondered: what is wrong with this guy?. Then I started thinking a little about my life and my actions, and i can't say I blame you. Even though I've never done something like what you describe, I've done worse (a lot)... I know it's not consoling... but hey! missery likes company.

[nisomer]

I understand what you are going through Lava. For example, when I am ready to go out, I dress nice, do my hair, all that shit, what am I doing it for? Part of me wants guys to notice me, but then part of me knows that most guys will not notice me, so then I start to do it to get girls to notice me.

As to your friend, why have you not seen her in a month? I would suggest what goratrix said, and just try to tell her in a way that wouldn't hurt her (if that is possible). But I guess the easiest way would be just to tell her the truth--about everything. Tell her that you are gay, tell her about how you just wanted to experiment and that when you found out she liked you, that you were afraid to hurt her.

keep us updated :)

[tinkergeek]

I agree.. Honesty is the best policy, and communication is key to any relationship. She may very well not be happy about being used, but then you guys can hopefully move past it and be better friends. Good luck.

[Lava421]

I understand what you are going through Lava. For example, when I am ready to go out, I dress nice, do my hair, all that shit, what am I doing it for? Part of me wants guys to notice me, but then part of me knows that most guys will not notice me, so then I start to do it to get girls to notice me.Whoa, I do the same thing but I didn't notice the irony until now. I guess I do it because if a girl hits on me I feel flattered and it gives me self confidence because I act *straight*.

Please note that I've only flirted with one girl in my life. I don't want to give the impression that I flirt with girls a lot.

As to your friend, why have you not seen her in a month?When I saw her, it was mostly during her breaks from work. She got a new job so I haven't seen her recently.



And about what to do with the situation:

At this time I don't feel like coming out to her. I know she'd take it well because she's openly bisexual but I think of coming out as the person's personal choice. I say it shouldn't happen right now.

If I told her the truth that she was just an experiment, I would feel terrible. I know that's really greedy but I don't think I can admit it to her. Besides, my gut says she thought of my behavior as friendly and not flirtatious. But my gut could be wrong. Blah.

[nisomer]

Whoa, I do the same thing but I didn't notice the irony until now. I guess I do it because if a girl hits on me I feel flattered and it gives me self confidence because I act *straight*.


Exactly how I feel :)

At this time I don't feel like coming out to her. I know she'd take it well because she's openly bisexual but I think of coming out as the person's personal choice. I say it shouldn't happen right now.

Yes, it is ultimatley your choice. And since she is bisexual I think it will be easier for her to understand. Anyways good luck!