I dont know what to do!! Plz help.

[Revan46]

OK ive had lots of problems with girls, tho thats not the reason im gay, i just can tell. I always felt different, but never really figured it out. I know letter isnt the best, but it might be the best way. Tell me if this letter is good enuf.

dear mom and dad,

Didn't know how to tell yout this, im afraid of your reaction, i love you both very much and i don't want anything more in this world then to have you accept me for who i am. i know you will love me either way so im going to have to tell you this somehow . the only way i could think of was to write a letter. I have had many relationships with many different girls, and none of them have worked out, i have found myself attracted to males lately and i have come to the realization that i am in fact gay, i know this may disappoint you, but im sry its true. this is who i am, i am 17 years old now and i have to come clean with you, i have known for about a month that im gay and don't want to hide it from you any longer. I realize that you want a biological grandson or granddaughter, however a few of my girl friends have said they will more than willing to be a surrogate mother. I just feel that I won't be happy if I go the way you want me to go, but the way I feel. I hope you will accept me for who I am, and know that again, I love you too much to lose your love and respect because of this. I realize it will take time, but I'm sure we can get through it.

Love, Sean

[Micah]

Hey BiTeen,

First of all, congratulations for deciding to come out to your parents.

In regards to your letter, I think it's always better to come out to someone in person, however, I'm sure you've thought about this a lot. If you can find the courage to come out to them face-to-face then i strongly encourage you to do so. If not, then a letter is the next best thing.

Its good that you've kept your letter short and to the point. There are a few notes I have after reading it.

-One of the main things is to be sure to keep to the point, and not to bring any other subjects into the letter. This is about your sexuality, not whether or not you are going to have children. I think this is a subject best discussed at a later time with your parents.

the only way i could think of was to write a letter....

- This suggests that you never thought about telling them in person. Maybe appologise for not having the courage to tell them face-to-face, and explain that you believed this to be the best way to let them know.

i know this may disappoint you, but im sry its true.....

- Being gay is a part of who you are. As well as coming out to them, you are trying to get them to accept your sexuality. This requires a you to take a stand, and tell them this is who you are.
"I know this may disapoint you, but this is who I am."


I hope your parents take it well, and let us know how it goes :-)

Dave

[Paul_UK]

Dave has picked up on a couple of good points there, which I fully agree with. One other that occured to me:

...i have known for about a month that im gay...
A likely reaction to this statement is that you are just confused and should give it more time, or that you just haven't met the right girl yet. Something better may be "I have known for some time that I am gay" perhaps followed with something about how you have now fully accepted this. You don't want them to think that this is a hasty decision - much better to suggest that it is something you have been becoming aware of and gradually accepting over a period of time. If you want to indicate a timescale (or are asked), perhaps work on when you first started questioning your sexuality rether than when you accepted it.

With the letter, make sure the spelling and punctuation is largely correct (I noticed "sry" in there for example) and separate it into a couple of paragraphs. It just makes it easier for them to read and understand. Keep it short and concise. Hand-written would be much more personal, but if your handwriting is anything like mine go for typed so they can read it (but hand-write the "Dear Mom and Dad" and "Love Sean" bits).

Are you planning to give it to them and be there while they read it, leave it for them to find while you are out, post it to them, or what? I think handing it to them, then discretely moving to the next room to wait could be good. The first meeting or conversation after they have read it will be difficult for you all, so you probably don't want to be sitting through a whole day at school thinking about this.

[confusedkid]

Hey BiTeen! Wow... huge step... congratulations! I only wish I had your courage and finally come out to my parents...

I think your letter is great and I definitely agree with the other comments others have made. The only things I have to say is don't apologize at all... there's really nothing for them to be sorry about... they have a perfect 17-year-old son!

The only other suggestion I have would to leave out the part about the surrogate mother... that might just be moving a LITTLE too far at the moment... I mean, you're 17... you shouldn't be thinking about kids anyway! :lol: What you can say is something like "I know you want for me to get married and have a family, and I can still fulfill those desires." or something like that, if you want to include it at all... (Yay Canada!)

Well, those are the only comments I have to add to the ones already been made... I really wish you all the best and I think I can speak for the entire forum when I say that you have all our love and support! (&&&)

-CK

[BaciListClostridium]

I agree w/ what everyone else has said. Good for you, BiTeen, and good luck! :)

[NightRaider]

Hey BiTeen16!
Touching letter but I also feel that the part about the children should be left out at this point.
However you decide whether it be the letter or you telling them in person I hope it all works out for you because this is a big step and one that could change your life.
Good Luck and let us know how it all works out. :)

[goratrix]

I think eveyone pretty much covered everything... Anyway, I'd give it a little more thought to the issue... I'm not sure coming out by letter is a good choice, and if you should use it, then make sure to write exactly what you want them to read.

I'd try not to foresee their reaction, or try to predict what they will ask you... specially regarding children... I don't know, perhaps they won't even ask you that for a while.

Just know you can always come to us for support.

Anyway, you don't say if you are out to anybody, other than your parents. Having friends that support you is very important when coming out to parents. I haven't done it myself yet, but I know a friend's support can give you much courage. And perhaps you'll find the strength you need to do it in person.

Make peace with yourself, and you shall have peace with others.

Let us know how it goes.

[Revan46]

I will, but one thing: My mom continually tells me "I hope you arent gay cuz i want biological grandkids" so...ya

[Aaron]

She probably does. But although she may not show it, she wants you to be happy more...hang in there. You'll know when the time is right. We're here for you. (*hug*)

[BaciListClostridium]

I will, but one thing: My mom continually tells me "I hope you arent gay cuz i want biological grandkids" so...ya

That's tough. I can relate to some extent. I'm my parents' only son, and my dad had a brief discussion w/ me once about how important it is for me to carry on the family name. In that light, the choice to come out or not felt like a choice between being selfish or being a good, dutiful son. And who wants to be selfish?

But if you take a different point of view, it's really not a choice at all. It's a non sequitur. The fact that my dad wants me to have children who bear his name has nothing to do with the fact that I'm gay. The only way they could have anything to do w/ each other is if I thought that what he wanted from me could somehow affect my sexuality. And it can't. Just as the fact that your mom wants biological grandkids can't affect yours.

But yeah, I hear you. It's hard.

[confusedkid]

When did gay = sterile??? I don't get that at all... you can still have kids, pass on whatever family name, etc.

I'm so lucky to have an (I think) breeder of a brother and 6 male cousins to carry on the name... no pressure there...

And it's funny... do you think that a man with one daughter would stress upon her the need to continue the family name??? Pfft. No. That's just the way it goes...

-CK

[Micah]

Like TriBi said, I'm sure she's willing to put your happiness infront of her wants. It may be a shock to them, and there may be initial disapointment for your mother, but that's something you can talk through. Who knows? Maybe she just says that to joke around.

[Aaron]

Agreed, TriBi. Sooner or later, parents will realize that your happiness is what's most important to them. (*hug*)

[Revan46]

Well im telling them Friday, so ill tell yo how it goes. thx guys

[confusedkid]

Well im telling them Friday, so ill tell yo how it goes. thx guys
w00t! No problem! I'm sure you'll let us know how it goes? Right!?!? :icon_razz

Anyway, (*hug*) I'm sure everything will go fine.

~CK

[Revan46]

thx :)

[goratrix]

my thoughts are with you, and I wish you good luck (not that you need it, but it alwas help ;)

[Revan46]

Well guys i rewrote the letter, ill post it so you can tell me what you think.

Dear Mom and Dad,
I didn't know how to tell you this because I’m afraid of your reaction. I love you both very much and I don't want anything more in this world then to have you accept me for who I am, and that I am happy. I know you will love me either way so I know I am going to have to tell you this somehow. I knew I wouldn’t be able to find the only way I could think of was to write a letter. I have had many relationships with many different girls, and as you know none of them have worked out, I have found myself attracted to males for quite some time and I have come to the realization that i am in fact gay. I know you believe it is a phase, and that I haven’t found the right girl, but it isn’t. I know this may disappoint you, but this is who I am. I am 17 years old now, and I have to come clean with you and knew, I have known for years that I’m gay, though I didn’t come out to myself till two years ago, and don't want to hide it from you any longer. I just feel that I won't be happy if I go the way you want me to go, but the way I feel. I hope you will accept me for who I am, and know that again, I love you too much to lose your love and respect because of this. I realize it will take time, but I'm sure we can get through it.
Love,
Sean

[Micah]

Hey BiTeen,

A few grammatical errors:

I knew I wouldn't be able to find the words; the only way I could think of was to write a letter.
You were missing a word, not sure if that was it.

I have come to the realization that i am in fact gay
Small issue, but the second 'i' isnt capitalised.

General:

I know you believe it is a phase, and that I haven’t found the right girl, but it isn’t.

You are making preassumptions to how they will react. If this is an issue for them, then they will most likely ask you about it. If it isn't an issue for them, why bring it up? If you feel you still want to include this, I suggest changing it to "I know you may believe".

I realize it will take time, but I'm sure we can get through it.

As this is the closing line, I suggest making it a little bit more personal and in a way say 'I've done my part, now it's your turn'. Possibly "Take all the time you need, but I'm sure we can get through this, together."


Overall well written. Goodluck, and again, keep us posted on how everything goes.

Dave

[Revan46]

thx dave, any other suggestions would be much appreciated guys

[confusedkid]

My comments are in blue...

Dear Mom and Dad,
I didn't know how to tell you this because I’m afraid of your reaction. I love you both very much and I don't want anything more in this world then to have you accept me for who I am. I know you will love me either way and I know I am going to have to tell you this somehow. I knew I wouldn’t be able to say this in person, and the only other way I could find to tell you is in a letter. I have had many relationships with many different girls, and as you know, none of them have worked out. I have found myself attracted to males for quite some time and I have come to the realization that I am in fact gay and I am happy with who I am. I know you probably believe that this is a phase and that I haven’t found the right girl, but it isn’t. I know this may disappoint you, but this is who I am. I am 17 years old now and I do not want to keep this from you both any longer. I have known for years that I am gay, but didn’t come out to myself until two years ago. I feel that I won't be happy if I go the way you want me to go, but instead I want to live my life going with the way I feel. I hope you will accept me for who I am, and I love you both too much to lose your love and respect because of this. I realize it will take time, but I'm sure we can get through it.
Love,
Sean

Very nice letter. Just a few grammar things and some sentence structure but very nice. I inserted a few more "I"s and put in "you both" because it makes it a little more personal, I think. Good luck! (hug)

[Paul_UK]

I think, with confusedkid's suggested edits, that it's excellent.

Are you planning to hand it to them and stay in the room, move to the next room, or what?

Please let us know how it goes.

And remember that even if it seems rather awkward initially, it will improve. You have had a long time to come to terms with this - now it's their turn and they will need time too.

[Revan46]

My mom almost disowned me, wants to send me to a counsellor, etc. THIS SUX!

[Aaron]

(*hug*)

Give her time. This is probably a huge shock to her. Hopefully she'll come around. My thoughts are with you - you can do this.

Perhaps you could suggest going to a counsellor together? It would give the discussion a neutral party, and different environment for you two to talk it out.

[Revan46]

its too late

[Aaron]

It's never too late. Keep the lines of communication open...give them time...do you have any friends who know? Relatives? Family Doctor? Anyone you can go to?

[confusedkid]

My mom almost disowned me, wants to send me to a counsellor, etc. THIS SUX! (*hug*) It's okay, bud. I don't think she'll disown you. Aaron's right, it's a huge shock to them but they'll never stop loving you. You're they're baby boy still no matter what. And really, going to a counselor might not be the worst thing that's ever happened. Hell, I go to a counselor. Just as long as its not some counselor your mom finds that tries to convert people back into being straight... your mom needs to understand (or find somebody that will tell her) that being gay isn't a mental condition or "caused" by something... it's who you are.

Anyway, regardless of your mom's reaction (what did your dad say/do?) you're still extremely brave and I, for one, admire your courage. (*hug*)

-CK

[BaciListClostridium]

You did such a brave thing, BiTeen. :) Good for you.

[nisomer]

Yeah, and the counselor could actually help you, and your mother.

[goratrix]

It's never too late. Ask her to go to this counsellor together, to work this out as a family. Try to talk to her, try to get someone who knows her (a friend, perhaps, or even your father) to talk to her and to remind her that you are her loving son.

Above all, know that you are not wrong, you are a great person and you have all our support. If you need someone to talk to, or just feel like it, PM me, I'm on most IM networks, and can enter just about any.

You would be in my prayers if I prayed, nonetheless, you are in my thoguhts.

[nisomer]

Quick question, how did your father react to this?

[Micah]

Sometimes the initial shock can cause people do say/do things they don't really mean. Give her time, and most importantly, keep the lines of communication open.

Dave