My brother!

[prettywoman]

Hi, i'm a woman and i reside in the US with my fiance and six month old daughter. I have a sixteen year old brother that i've suspected of being gay since he was a small boy. He's never come out to any of the family, but his effeminate actions completely spells 'gay' I love my brother dearly and know that this must be a very heavy load to carry around for years, however i secretly wish that he was the more manly type and even if he was gay, no one would ever have to know! I know this is a cruel thing for me to say, but if only you were in my shoes! My mother, sister and i have suspected my brother a long time ago, but hoped as he got older he would change.
I'm constantly humiliated even thinking about it, and i'm angered that he had to put us through this embarrassment! :bang:
However we all love him very much, he makes us laugh to the point of tears and is very hilarious!
You may want to know how did we know he was going to be gay. Well he never was really interested in the so-called manly things. He was never interested in school or sports, hung out with females, (mostly older women) and had very effeminate attitudes. There are other instances, but i'm not comfortable divulging the details just yet.
I'm not homophobic(i have a male friend that's gay, and love him dearly) but when it's such a close member of your family it really hits home! Also he is our only brother!
I'm a native of a carribean country that has no tolerance for gays, and whenever someone is found out to be gay, they are tortured , beaten and insulted for the rest of their lives. They can only do menial jobs etc etc. I'm very scared that someone does something to my brother :cry: and i wished it was any other way. I've joined the glaad and lesbian website for insights on how to deal with my brother, but to no avail. I just wanted to find help. My mother is getting married and i'm supposed to return for the wedding/vacation, but i'm embarrassed and reluctant to do so because of my brother! :redface: I dont want to find my self in an akward situation or have to hurt my brother's feelings :cry: I adore him, but hate what he has put us through and worried about what kind of life he'll lead. I know i'm rambling on and i'm sorry but can any of you guys tell me how to handle this situation? If you've reached this far, thank you for reading and all of your comments will be appreciated!

[goratrix]

Ok, first of all I think it's great that you are worried about you brother, and that you came to us seeking for help. I hope you find what you are looking for.

First of all I should say that those signs you mentioned are not clear markers of homosexuality. I, for instance, used to play water polo, fence and now practice taekwondo... and even though I have (and always had) a female friend, and used to hang out with her and her other female friends, I also had male friends, many of them. On the other hand, a firend's brother is really effeminate, and is quiet similar to the description you give of your brother, and he's as straigh as they get...

Anyway, as a gay male with siblings, I can tell you that it's of great importance that you give your little brother all the support you can. If he's really gay, then there is nothing you can do to change it, if he is not, then he's not.

If you think he'd be honest about it if he were, then you could confront him, do some research on internet, visit the resources section of this site, there is plenty of information there.

Give him this address (emptyclosets.com), and tell him it's a safe place for him to come and talk.

there is something you said that kept me thinking...
and i'm angered that he had to put us through this embarrassment
Hi didn't put you through anything, if he is gay, then it's not by choice. And he doesn't mean you any harm with that. Anyway, it's not about you, it's about him. Yes, it's true, you'll have to live with the stigma attached to having a gay relative... but think for a second that he will have to live with the stigma of actually being gay... and that is a much larger burden to carry, specially alone.

If you chose to confront him, then I'd suggest that you make peace with the idea first... there is no point in forcin anything, specially if you are not sure you'll be able to handle it.

If you confront him, you need to be ready to be as supportive as he needs you to be, and you should understand that confrontation is supposed to help him come out. Your process dealing with his homosexuality does not envolve him comming out, it's something you have to learn to accept.

I'd suggest you ask this gay friend of yours for some advice, and let him in (if you think he'll be supportive). Even though we can tell you all of our points of view, there is no match to someone that actually loves you and that will be there for you no matter what, i.e. a firend.

Again, welcome, and I think it's wonderful you can do this, it shows how much you care about your little brother... he's lucky to have you.

I hope i helped.

[Aaron]

This is going to sound rude, so I'm sorry - it's not meant to be. He has not put you through anything, the prejudices of your family and culture have.

Go to the wedding and see him. Treat him like a normal human being. Until he actually comes out of the closet (assuming he ever needs/wants to), then you should treat him normally.

As for what kind of life he'll lead, that is his choice. With all respects, if you love him and want him in your life, you and your family will have to deal with it. He'll live a better life if he has entrenched support within his family.

Are you close to him? This is a huge weight to carry...maybe all he needs is someone close to him that he can talk to...could you be that person?

Good luck with everything...remember that above all else he is and will always be your brother.

[nisomer]

Hi didn't put you through anything, if he is gay, then it's not by choice. And he doesn't mean you any harm with that. Anyway, it's not about you, it's about him. Yes, it's true, you'll have to live with the stigma attached to having a gay relative... but think for a second that he will have to live with the stigma of actually being gay... and that is a much larger burden to carry, specially alone.

Worded perfectly goratrix. And he is absolutley correct. I would say DO NOT confront him. The coming-out part, I think, is something a person should do when he/she feels that they themselves, are ready. The thing you should do, is just support him all the way. As Aaron said, he probably needs someone close to him who he could talk to, and you could be that person. You could possibly give him clues to make it easier for him to come out, such as talking about how you feel about homosexuality, that you support it... things like that. But I'd say that, when your brother feels it is right, he will come out. And with your help, it may be a faster, and easier process.

[TriBi]

Hi prettywoman :smilewave

Well, I think the other guys said it rather well.

The only thing I would add is that if you come from somewhere like Jamaica (guessing here :icon_wink), I can understand your concerns about the sort of treatment your brother might face. I guess the stigma that attaches to gay people in that sort of culture also makes it more understandable that you should have the "hate what he has put us through" perspective.

All I can say is that I think you should go back and celebrate your Mothers wedding (after all, it is HER event, not your brothers) if that is what you want to do for her.

As far as your brother goes, I imagine he knows the constraints of being gay (if that is what he is) in that sort of society. Being gay, as others have stated, is not a "choice"...your sexuality is something over which you really have no control. That said, has he considered moving away - is that an option? If you have managed to make your home in the US, is that something he could also consider? Or, for that matter, ANY other country that is more accepting/less homophobic.

Again, the other guys were also right about how to treat him. It should always be the the individuals choice to "come out" when they think the time is right. That said, if you were to indicate to him your tolerance and acceptance of gay people (you did say you had a close friend who is gay) then perhaps he would be more likely to confide in you if he IS gay.

Is there a chance that he is not? I have come across people before now whom (from their mannerisms etc) I was 80-90% certain must be gay - only to find that they were not only very much heterosexual but also a doting parent. Life can be full of surprises sometimes.

[Aaron]

Is there a chance that he is not? I have come across people before now whom (from their mannerisms etc) I was 80-90% certain must be gay - only to find that they were not only very much heterosexual but also a doting parent. Life can be full of surprises sometimes.
Me, too. I guy I used to work with just screamed gay. Wasn't overly feminin, didn't dress gay, but I just "knew." Turns out he had been married for three years and had a 6 month old daughter! Just goes to show you. He's not gay until he tells you he is. :icon_wink

[prettywoman]

Hi again,
thank you all for your insights and everyone of you gave me something to think about. I love my brother so much (i'm tearing up telling you guys this) and i will not confront him about this; we are very close and i hope in due time if he's really gay, he will confide in me. once again, thanks alot.

[nisomer]

Your welcome :) And if he really is gay and needs some support, you can always tell him to come here.

[BlackCherryBLN]

He is always the same person, he doesn't change.

The only thing that does change and is challenged - is your perception of him.

Keep loving him, and know that it is the same little brother.