I think I have a serious problem....

[MeAsIAm]

First of all I would just like to say hi, and that I am new here

On to my problem...

I am about to be a senior in high school. I have always thought I liked girls, but I guess a little while ago I started to become very attracted to much older men (around 40-45) who are somewhat hairy and muscle-y (bears for lack of a better word) I get very aroused when thinking about them and I have just started to accept it as that I am attracted to them. What really freaks me out though is trying to hide it from people. I don't think my family suspects anything, which I am very thankful for. A few of my best friends know because I know they won't judge me. And then what happened with my math teacher really freaked me out, this is what happened with him.

Near the end of the last school year, my math teacher (who I was very attracted to, very pleasant and cheery, all around nice guy) asked me to stay after class. I didn't have a class to worry about the next period so I decided to stay, because I liked being in his company. What he said totally shocked and freaked me out. I will label him Steve for this conversation.

Steve- So how did you like my class this year?
Me- It was ok I guess, I never really liked math though.
Steve- I noticed. You barely scraped by this year. You passed though, that's what's important.
Me- I guess so. My dad isn't too happy I got a D though.
Steve- Don't worry about that. I can make that D go away. I can make it an A.
Me- Really? Why would you do that?
Steve- Well, I will need a little something from you first.
Me- Hmm? Whats that?
Steve- I think you know (he looked down)
Me- Umm... Sir.. I'm not..
Steve- Come on man, I caught you staring a bunch of times.
Me- Y-you knew?
Steve- What, you think I'm blind?
Me- Umm
Steve- Hey, if you don't want it, I can just keep that grade a D and we can forget this ever happened.
Me- (silence)
Steve- However, here is my home number. Call me if you change your mind.

And then I walked out of the room...

The thought of even catching a glimpse at his body excited me a lot, but hes so much older and I'm not even 18 yet. By that time I had somewhat accepted that I was at least bi sexual. Did I do the right thing by turning him down? I mean, that could have gotten him into trouble right? I am still unsure about anything of this lifestyle, I am afraid of what people will think of me if I tell them how i feel. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Advice would be much appreciated...

[tinkerbell]

Querido Chango--kabiesi, also said as Ay Dios Mio (oh my God). You did the right thing by turning him down. He was inappropriate with you and ould get into a lot of trouble for that. His advances could/can if you press charges, ruin his career. Do not enter into a relationship with him. You aren't wrong for feeling this way; high school students getting a crush on teachers is totally normal. However, to quote my mom (go ahead and PM me for my own experience if you like), it would be very inappropriate for him to act on it.

DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOUR TEACHER. EVER.

I cannot offer you legal advice such as "go to the police! Holler pedophile!" because honestly...this is my area of severe hypocrisy. ...I don't know. I am going to be a police officer when I turn twenty-three, so dodging the law even now makes me feel guilty. But...um....find out your state laws on pedophiles, and it wouldn't hurt to call the police anonymously or visit your city precinct. Good luck.

[MeAsIAm]

well, my problem is.. I really like him as a person. Almost like a friend kind of, hes a really great guy and I don't want him to get in trouble. It just really freaked me out, thats all, I mean, that was the first time anything happened like that to me from anyone, be it teachers or elsewhere. He was always the kind of teacher I could tell my problems too, and my parents even had him over for dinner once. He is almost exactly perfectly what I am attracted to and he is a nice guy on top of that. I am confused about the whole thing, but know I will never act on it ~_~

[davo-man]

Yes i totally agree with Tinkerbell...you are completely right in turning him down...stuff like that is just inaproprate and unethical on his behalf...Teachers are meant to teach, not to take advantage of their students...and thats wat this is...He is taking advantage of you...If he goes any further or talks to you about it again, then i would go to the police, but thats just my opinion

Also, welcome to EC, hope you have fun here and im sure you will...Im Dave ...

[TriBi]

I have to agree.

I think you were totally right in walking away.

He is your teacher - and if he tries to make any sort of sexual advance toward you he is completely violating the trust that his position holds and what is more HE MUST KNOW THIS.

He is putting himself in a very dangerous position - and you are very sensible to avoid that.

In actual fact, he probably needs help (tho' how he is going to obtain that without losing his job I have no idea...)

[JayHew]

Agree with all the above comments, he was totally inappropriate and yes, places himself in a dangerous position. You were completely right in turning him down and there should be no repercussions concerning it.

That you are 17 places you in a bit of a position too. I take it you are in Florida and if so, I think age of consent for sexual matters is 16, albeit, in most States now are laws that remove that from consideration when the "adult" is in a position of authority or power over you (ie., teachers, doctors, Preachers, etc.) so what was done is was wrong on the teacher's part.

Your position concerning how to proceed with the situation I can respect as I can see the conflict within you, but keep in mind you do not have to be subjected to future encounters of this nature. I would keep a log somewhere safe of what happened and if it should happen again, you should speak to someone in law-enforcement concerning it. Granted you don't want to cause a problem for a person you like, admire and respect, but if he is doing this to you, might it be that he is also trying to "corner" someone else and is it right to allow that? Someone else may not be able or as willing to say "no" as you and might feel trapped into doing something they are not prepared to do. Just think about it.

As for yourself, it could be that you are bisexual and it is making itself known and if that is the case, you seem to be handling it ok. But it could also be a phase you are going through as many do at your age and even later (20's). Give yourself time to allow for your intellect as well as emotional self to come to an acceptable conclusion concerning what you are feeling. Many times our intellect can accept the premise or conclusions our intellect arrives upon, but emotionally it may take a lot longer, so in the meantime, there can be a lot of back and forth with your feelings. It is probably a good thing that we are set up this way as it does allow time for us to reach a conclusion we are comfortable with and can accept, but it also allows time for possible information not considered before to be brought to the equation and could when considered change the end results of what it is we are feeling.

That you did what you did and are taking your time before acting on anything says a lot of good for you. Don't rush your process, but allow for it to unfold. Along with that, please do consider the fact that you might well not be the only student approached by this teacher for the same thing and is it fair to them to have to be in such a position and is it right for the teacher to be allowed to do what he did or does? Therein is the fly in the ointment when we are confronted with moral as well as ethical questions, but we have no choice but to consider them and reach a choice and apply it. Only you can make that decision and it could be a tough one, but it is a part of growing up and establishing your own standards by which you will live.

If you want to discuss, I am open to PM'ing. Meanwhile, you did the right thing to turn him down and I wish you all the best.

[tinkerbell]

well, my problem is.. I really like him as a person. Almost like a friend kind of, hes a really great guy and I don't want him to get in trouble. It just really freaked me out, thats all, I mean, that was the first time anything happened like that to me from anyone, be it teachers or elsewhere. He was always the kind of teacher I could tell my problems too, and my parents even had him over for dinner once. He is almost exactly perfectly what I am attracted to and he is a nice guy on top of that. I am confused about the whole thing, but know I will never act on it ~_~

Okay, even though this is hypocritical I am going to say it anyway. Go to the police with the information you have--the conversation you had that inspired this thread, any others you may have had where he subtly hit on you, whether or not he has done this with other students, etc. The man needs to be arrested, although with what I don't know. Improper...something...with a minor. He is abusing his position of power AND he's a teen lover. I know sixteen is the age of consent, but still...go to the police.

[MeAsIAm]

I'm not going to the police. I called him and asked if we could meet so we could talk. I am thankful for you guys looking out for me, but its something I had to do. We had a nice talk at lunch. I trust what he says, and he said I can call him anytime I need to talk. I won't go into detail as to what happened, but I think I can trust him. He seems to care about my feelings, so...

Anyways, thanks for all the advice given, but... I did what I felt I had to do. I am still confused, but less so than before.

~MeAsIAm

[24601]

I'm glad things worked out and that you're being careful. Having sex with a teacher is probably not a great idea, even if he's a family friend. In fact, that almost makes it worse. But regardless, the others above me have put things better than I could. Hopefully things keep working out! Best of luck.

[MeAsIAm]

Who ever said I wanted to have sex with him? O.o I can't think about that right now, sure, I am attracted to him but he's still a lot older and umm... I'm still a virgin... So, I'm still a little freaked out by sexual activity -.-

[Hydrogen]

ah... don't know where to start. I mean to be honest, no matter if you like him or not, what he did way wrong. Period. A person, such as a teacher, in a trusted roll model position should NEVER engage, or try to engage in such activity.

However, I would not go to the police, all it will do is cause problems for you. (I won't go into it, unless needed) I might suggest anonymously notifying the School Board.

I would however, not "meet up" with him, or do anything. I would give him a warning, and then go find someone else to admire. Someone who is willing to offer something like that to a student, has problems, and should not be trusted.

[Revan46]

Personally I'd find that hot if the teacher were hot, I might do it. But frankly that's me, and in reality I wouldn't. He is taking advantage of you, and is suppose to be someone you trust. By saying what he said, he's breaking both the limits of a teacher-student relationship, and the whole trust factor that often students develop with some of their teachers. It was right to turn him down, but really hun it is up to you. (yes I called you dear, get use to it, I call people dear and hun all the time). I just can say it's best if you don't because if you do, and it's awkward, and your still at school the next year it may be a whole lot worse.

[Evilmonkey]

so u like him, and he likes you.... dont let the fact that hes a teacher put you off!!! id often fantacised about my teachers...
you dont have to have sex with him, NEVER have sex with someone because you feel pressured too. but if you want to have a honest relationship with him, where you are out to him etc.. that could be a good thing. but you have to do what you feel is right.

[davo-man]

I think I can trust him. He seems to care about my feelings, so...
~MeAsIAm

I'm sorry if im completely wrong about this situation so discount my opinion if i am...but this man offered you the chance of increasing your grades if you did hiim sexual favours...a man like that isnt to be trusted...I mean this man is bribing you, and people in positions of power arent allowed to do that according to the law...It doesnt matter if he seems to care about your feelings because if this man was seriously wanting a relationship with you then why would he offer to increase your grades in exchange for your body? Personally i think this is something that if you did that you would regret.

[greg]

This teacher has abused you, he is playing mind games do not get involved with him in any way and ensure that you are always with someonr else if you have to talk to him. Firmly tell him that you are not interested and that no means NO! you should also inform him that any future attempts at bribing you will result in you informing authorities also add that if you hear of similar situations with others that will result in you informing authorities. If you do this you have set boundaries and have shown to him that you are not corruptable, i would as an other has suggested keep a written note of the date(s) time(s) and locations of the conversation all this for your own protection.

greg

[joeyconnick]

If the guy were just some guy you knew casually and you were into him and he was into you, I would say it would be okay to (cautiously) explore that. But seriously, the guy used his position as your teacher to try to exploit you! I mean, it's not even like he's your teacher and you're his student and it just happened (which would be problematic enough although it definitely seems to happen frequently in the college/university context where I guess it's less frowned uipon because the whole age of consent debate doesn't come up)--he actually clearly attempted to bribe you into having sex with him! I mean if you hadn't indicated it was a true story I'd be inclined to believe you were recounting a movie or TV plot.

No matter how friendly this guy is being to you, he is obviously only being that way because he wants something from you. If there was any hope his feelings were simply age- and situation-inappropriate, it died when he attempted to extort you. Putting aside the whole age and position thing, if someone actually cares about you, they don't try to lord it over you to get their way.

[mrrolemodel]

i know ive had crushes on teachers before.

but it really is unacceptable.
i mean, just because ive been crushing on a teacher doesnt mean ive ever thought anything would happen.

and as everyone has been saying.
just make it clear to him that he should never make offers to exploit you again, or you should do something, cause he could do that to other kids that might not make the good decision to not do something like you did.

[Malicious]

I would of let him fuck me!
lol
If no one know but you and him no one gets hurt...
People on here can call me a slut and a whore, but I speak my mind...so there!
lol

[Sam]

well first of all welcome to EC!

I don't care how much you like him, what he did was just wrong on so many levels. I say that you were right to not do anything with him and I suggest you keep it that way.

[careandrespect]

MeAsIAm,

From a professional standpoint what the teacher did was completely inappropriate. The fact that you are much younger (17 - which can bring about legal consequences on his part if he were caught) is something that must be kept in mind too. Also one must not let one's feeling control one's actions for this can sometimes lead to a lot of trouble.
Be confident that you walked away - this was the best thing to do.

My other suggestion is that if you are approached again in this manner by this teacher it would be best to bring it to the attention to another adult that you can trust (teacher, counselor, administrator).

careandrespect

[Miaplacidus]

I think you shouldn't have sex with him, and that he shouldn't have offered you to exchange sex for good grades (that is rather unprofessional). That teacher should be fired IMHO. However, in my opinion the wrong thing was the whole "A" part - not the age difference. Although I have never been with a man that "old" (lol), I think men of his age are usually more mature than boys (I'm tired of having to deal wth immature boys).

That suggestion revealed that he's no good, though. So try to stay away from him.


Querido Chango

Tinker - I am sure that it was a mistake, I know for sure that you would never say that to someone you barely know... but "querido chango" means "dear slut" in Spanish.

Mods: Please realize that it is a mistake, "chango" is not applicable for men. It is a very woman-specific insult meaning "slut".

[tinkerbell]

Tinker - I am sure that it was a mistake, I know for sure that you would never say that to someone you barely know... but "querido chango" means "dear slut" in Spanish.

Mods: Please realize that it is a mistake, "chango" is not applicable for men. It is a very woman-specific insult meaning "slut".

...Chango is also the name of the God I pray to. I was saying to myself, Dear God. How is a god's name an insult? Who the %^$* made that up, a Catholic who hates Santerians? Probably. ...thanks for the correction.

[downboyup]

So the movie cliche of the teacher coming onto the student happens. It is inappropriate, you can cope with it obviously as you have a M-M attraction. But there will be some kid he tries it on who feels overwhelmed by his authority and will be totally freaked by the proposal, who could get messed up.
It is no fun being a victim in a sexual relationship, where power of choice is overwhelmed.

dont regret not 'servicing' him. choose someone who fits the character you like but on more common ground.

[AstroJesse]

Well in all honesty, I wouldn't seem to have a problem if he weren't your teacher. Age has never mattered to me. The fact of it is that if you look at the information you've posted, he was trying to take advantage of you. You seemed to do the right thing by walking away, and you should be proud for that. What I'm concerned about is that you seem to be confused as to wether he is your friend who cares about you, or a teacher who is offering you something in return for something you should NOT be asked to do by anyone in his position. Going to the athorites could create many problems for you, so my suggestion is to just end your relationship with him period. It may not help things that your questioning your sexuality, and this seems like a chance to understand things more, but from a netural standpoint, it seems that even if you want to advance your relationship with him, it's just not safe. I'd really like o know how things turn out for you.