Losing you hurts so bad. The love of my life.

[downboyup]

I miss you Patrick, I miss you a lot, Pat

I miss being able to say 'I love you' and I miss being held.

The smell of you, upon your pillow, your shirt, your skin.

The ready smile, the funny joke for everyone, and your welcoming manner.

You listened to me, understood me and also cared. bought me thoughtful presents.

I miss you talking about 'our children' about your son, and my daughter, and calling them our kids, our family, our life.

I miss your body - warm and handsome and perfect.

Shopping - routine groceries is not the same.

I loved shopping for Birthdays and Xmas for our kids.

I miss your flirting and the play fighting.

You loved every movie I chose for us to watch.

All the bbqs, our friends.

I miss the SMSes that played throughout the day, working out the everyday details of living.

I miss that you could fix anything mechanical.

I loved u looking at me when I come out of the shower. I miss the towel around you and the hint of what's under, and the look of you when you walk away.

I loved cooking for all 4 of us, and now it is just 2.

I long to be with you again, and see the empty rooms vacantly.

I miss 'our' son - he brought so much life to this house - mischief, adventure and play.

It has been 2 weeks since you left. We all 4 hugged at the front door and enough tears to fill a bathtub. You left and I broke, our daughter wailed and stayed quiet for a day.

u took away her brother and her friend.

I cant see you yet, nor read what you have written, nor talk. I have told you this, and u understand, u see the wound is too great, and i have no desire to keep it open.

I understand your reason to move on, and I wish you the very best.

I am better for having known you. I am better for having loved you and I am better for having learned from you.

I will keep track of where you are and where you go through many lifetimes, and when the time is right once more, I will be there and at your side.

Thankyou. I will never ever forget the best 7 years of my life.

I love you Pat.

[CrimsonThunder]

Thats sad, at first I thought he died but at the end it seems you broke up. Hope you're ok man.

[paul7836]

It brings tears to my eyes. I hope you are going to be ok.

[wtinal]

Wow. that is really sweet. it makes me sad for you. take good care of yourself while you are grieving this loss.

[Sam]

I am so sorry. I really do wish you the best in getting through this. We are all here to help you if you need it.

[careandrespect]

downboyup,

I have no words to take away the pain, but as was mentioned before know that you have our support. Also as you had mentioned consider the time that you had together as a gift and keep the memories. Take it one day at a time.

careandrespect

[JSG]

I wish you both the very best, you must be heart broken.
You're story is very moving and i wish you the best of luck going through this sad moment in your life.
(*hug*)

[downboyup]

Thankyou.
Writing various posts here has helped so much over the past week or so. I am glad to know you all.

[SpikySpice]

You are welcome, you see, just let out and write out all the thoughts in your mind, can help you feel lots of better:)

[GuitarGirl1350]

I'm really sorry. You must be heartbroken =[ especially after seven years.
If you ever need to talk, you can PM me =] I know I'm only 16 but I'm still willing to help.

[TriBi]

Are you going to be able to maintain a friendship - or would you find that too hard?

Were your kids also good friends? Even tougher on everyone if that is the case.

Hang in there - you have my sympathy - and certainly the good thought and support of the folk here. (*hug*)

[downboyup]

He is my best friend, just too hard to maintain friendship at this point, so i am holding him off. i have to wait a bit. Our kids were born 3 weeks apart, they both are now 11. both of us were married and all were very close, being neighbours. with our kids raised virtually together. when kids were 3 both our marriages broke up within 3 months of each other. First I helped him through his break and then he through mine. we both got the kids as our exes chose to move out after having affairs. Our kids are are best friends, and we referred to them as brother and sister and family.
our love however remains strong and it is acknowledged between us as such. He however has more straight tendencies than gay, and he is heading that way. I cant change that. it is just the way it is.
He has left a small window to return and kept all his stuff here at our house, despite moving to another city, another state. we are also contractually in the middle of building a new house, so we have to have some connection, even if on paper. when finished we will probably sell.
I wrote that all without a tear. thanks for the question. thankyou for listening. maybe it is all getting better now......
so many times i have had to make new futures.... guess I gotta do over again.

[beckyg]

(*hug*) Those are feelings that you only experience when you have shared a great love with someone. I'm sorry things turned out this way.

[CrimsonThunder]

Thankyou.
Writing various posts here has helped so much over the past week or so. I am glad to know you all.

You're posts are great, I learn a lot from you and you have a lot of perfect advice. Well done. =)

[downboyup]

tku crimson thunder. i love reading your friendly posts. :kiss:

[Blueeyes]

that was heart wrenching :( I hope everything turns our well for you

[downboyup]

Thankyou Blueeyes. Some days are real shit and others you kind of just get on with it.
it gets empty, and today was bad especially when get home.
i am a relationship lover, and a family man. this is the 4th major one and the longest.
I wanna grow old with someone, and comfortable and reminise about good times.
good luck to you.

[Evilmonkey]

whoa dude thats deep. i wish you, and you daughter well.
it is, as they say, better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.

[Psych!]

wow man that's deep, i am so sorry to hear that such a long lasting relationship has ended, but life goes on and you still have your loved ones and they love u back. (&&&)

[Gera-Kun]

... sad...can't imagine that happening to me...i cry for you man!

[Psych!]

... sad...can't imagine that happening to me...i cry for you man!

me 2

[downboyup]

dont wanna bore anyone with this, so you are welcome to ignore - but sometimes i just gotta write, it is the thing that helps. I have noone to talk with about this, so it good to get it out.

arrived home again after a great day working, active and fun. soon as i started walking to my house, a wave of grief hits again. inside the house it is empty so i feed the cats, and make some quick food. i used to cooking big for everyone, but dont just for myself. my daughter away for a few days, and just got the cats and a dog. huge house very empty.

i went through his stuff and pulled out a lot of photos i liked. there are photos through the ages from when he was a teen till later. he is the most gourgeous guy. big blue eyes and jet black hair - and a grin that travels up both cheeks, perfect white teeth and 2 dimples in his cheeks. perfect proportioned body, that stops traffic.

he always has had model looks and he knew it, and was the biggest flirt i knew. he was used to getting anyone he wants and whenever. charm just oozed out to everyone, and for me i always lapped it up and felt loved every second of the day.

he loves people and he really makes them feel comfortable.

my favourite photo is the passport when he is 17, then over the years you see the gradual changes, later some greying, but never losing the smile, or the dimples or the cheeky grin, or the fit body.

so i dont have so much grief. it has been 2 1/2 weeks, but i miss him so fucking much.

we used to carry on texting all day. flirty, jokey stuff. he still tries to do it from 2000 kms away, and i cant carry it on and have to say something boring and flat and end it. the more he texts the more i get stuck to the idea of us. and he aint coming back. he has slowed down on the texts, and i have stopped him from calling, cause i would just make a fool out of myself and let him know how much i miss him, and how much i suffering. when he is not suffering. he cares about me, but not suffering. he has no intention of coming back, so I gotta carry on and keep the distance, so it doesn't keep stuck in my mind. i never thought we would be apart. unconditional love from me, and it would have been forever.

i hate the fact that he would be flirting with everyone he meets. he is looking for a new relationship, and he wants a girl this time. i dont want to know, i dont want to imagine anyone receiving the love that he gave over the years to me, the affection and the care. that is unimaginable. no one has the right to receive that, just me.

I have a guy who i met on line who wants to come over he is: 'looking for someone selfish who just want to be pleasured' and i am so tempted, but really feel it is too cheap after such a quality time.

perhaps it would be a great distraction, but i had enough sex as a teen and enough partners to last 5 lifetimes, so just not interested in another face, or another body right now.

anyway feel better now, glad i was able to write. thanks for listening and maybe i'll go and read some other story and post a bit of advice.

[Jim1454]

I'm really sorry for your loss. I've just ended a marriage of 9 years, and know how devastated you can feel some days.

But for me, I read your post, and was encouraged to read about the kind of relationship that you HAD - beautiful. I want to think that I too can find that kind of relationship with another man at some point. I know its hard, but its important to be thankful for what we've enjoyed while we're mourning the loss... I've found that to be important to me.

Good luck - to you and your daughter. (*hug*)

[Jim1454]

We were writing at the same time...

The 'hook up' would be a distraction - but you'll feel as empty and alone afterwarsd, of not more - so I'd suggest not. (From experience.)

Do something for yourself - go for a run, wash your car, read a book, call another friend, take the dog for a long walk... It will be hard but do positive things - not negative.

Again - good luck.

[downboyup]

thanks Jim. every few days hit rock bottom. go for walk and always something going on to keep occupied. 2 young friends moved in that I work with, both straight and great company. can keep conversations going, keep mind off.
today hard. we worked together too in the same place - so ghosts of him everywhere. at home and at work. it is just embedded in my life. - and I just get so very sad, and have to pretend to others that all ok. glad I not have to pretend here and can write.

what also missing is he was my rock if i was ever sad or frustrated or angry etc etc. so not much outlet at all at present. except this writing. excuse my self indulgence.
i miss the always present smile and hello. the way i could stand behind and massage his shoulders at any time. always loved what i cooked etc. i miss him so much- the knots in my stomach just play out for hours and hours. it aches.

i am trying to get the sadness to end. i really want it to. i know if i talk to him, and he is available for that, i could get it all out, but to what end. i just feel a fool and it doesn't give me what i want.

i am not normally so sad in life at all. usually it is all alright. gotta pick up and keep going.

the biggest urge is to be close to someone, and it nearly happened again with my ex wife again over the weekend. it would be so easy, like morning sex, you just kind of fall into it. we have slept together a few times since divorce, but i just dont want to go there. i couldn't be truly close again. better to start anew.

anyway thanks for being there. when it is over, and i can stop writing this way i will be very very happy.

thanks to all who read and understand, and those who dont, i really hope you dont have to experience this place in your life at all.

[Jim1454]

I can really relate. It's so hard - I've gone through hell and felt really low at times over the past several months. I'm glad you've got some new 'roomies' for company - that will I'm sure help. This is a big adjustment for you - I know. Reconnecting with your ex wife isn't necessarily a good idea either, although we've had that happen on a couple of occassions, and in some ways it has helped both of us over a 'hump' (if you pardon the pun).

Don't worry about burdening us here with your problems. That's what we're all here for. We're here to help each other out. So if this is what helps, then just keep doing it. (&&&)

[LorenzG1950]

Gosh, that is such a sad, bittersweet ending for what obviously was a beautiful relationship. What impresses me is your skill and sensitivity in writing about it, just beautiful. It is a talent to be able to express love so eloquently between the lines. I’m sure that writing about it helps you to appreciate the precious nature of those moments that you shared. It’s something that worked for me when I lost both of my parents in just 4 months. I began to write episodes of things we did together, tennis at the park, taking my dad to wrestling matches, barbecues with the family, etc. It was really a kind of therapy, good writing practice, and a good way to recall the great times I had. It may not help you get over the heartbreak any sooner. That takes time. But it helps you capture those cherished memories and share them with others (if you so desire).

As Jim already mentioned, keep yourself gainfully occupied and don’t hide from the world, especially friends and acquaintances. Watching them continue their normal lives will help you get back on track and begin to find a new focus. Hang in there. It does get better with time. And don’t stop writing, and sharing it here. (*hug*)

[downboyup]

thankyou jim and lorenz. you guys are the best ! your comments made my day !

wish you could come over for a drink and a chat !

i am so very not mechanical - amongst other things he used to be a jumbo aircraft mechanic, -(how macho is that?) as well as an air steward.- (how gay is that?)

he can fix anything! and all in one go the lawn mower and washing machine packed it in.

thanks again.

[Jim1454]

i am so very not mechanical - amongst other things he used to be a jumbo aircraft mechanic, -(how macho is that?) as well as an air steward.- (how gay is that?)



Wow - that is kind of hot! :icon_wink

Wouldn't a drink be cool - only issue is we're in Australia, Canada, and Germany! Darn.

Hang in there. We're all pulling for you. (&&&)

[LorenzG1950]

I'm done with work so I'm having a drink while I think about you guys. We're just worlds apart but together in thought. Ordered my drink from my boyfriend who is working at the bar per SMS. I love technology. Hope all goes well.

[downboyup]

my shout.......

i actually answered one of his regular sms last night. i was so worried about our past habit of smsing that went on forever and were always funny or flirty. I though i miss him more if we do that, and he been sms me a lot. so i been answering him very business like, and not asking any questions etc. but i answered friendly and chatty last night, and wasn't worried if he sent a message back or not.

so there is a change.

oh and he is hot.....was hot......just another hot.......aaahh damn it - i love him.

your shout......

[Jim1454]

Sounds like maybe you're adjusting, and getting more comfortable with the situation, if you were able to chat last night. That's a good sign I think.

I can only say that I'm jealous of what you had, and hopeful that we'll all find that in a speacial someone, some day.

I'm very impatient and would love to start looking for that someone right now - but I know its too soon, and what's truly motivating me isn't going to lead me to that special someone right now. But one day - I have to keep telling myself - it will be my turn.

Until then, I'll be content with my single life, my daughters, my friends, my family, my work, and the wonderful relationship I've been able to keep with my (ex) wife. She has truly been a blessing to me.

[downboyup]

more comfortable. this has been cathartic - what ever that means, but I think it fits.

great that you have such a good family life jim.

here is to you finding just the right one.

just love being in love.

[Jim1454]

Thanks!

[Half-Light]

i hope you get better dude

[downboyup]

i think i over the hump. i now answer his text and ask questions about him. i dont miss him so much, and think i developing a love affair with EC? dont leave me EC.........