Met a guy.. now I'm confused [Archive]

IDKWhattodo

21st Jul 2007, 03:20 PM

EthanS

21st Jul 2007, 03:41 PM

I dunooo, mayb u shud chat wiv ya frend bout it, ur probly bi tho:)

Dantir

21st Jul 2007, 03:47 PM

Personally I don't think sexual orientation is defined through who you have feelings for. I once fell in love with a girl despite knowing I didn't find find women sexually attractive. I had my male crushes yet I was still in love with her.

Which do you find more sexually attractive? Find a hot girl and a hot guy and see where you would go from there. If you're confused about your sexuality, this may actually be difficult. However you can also simply label yourself as bi. Nobody can tell you the answer because it's your own unique feelings. I suppose through time you will begin to understand.

Hope I'm of some help!!

tinkerbell

21st Jul 2007, 06:04 PM

Just because you have deep feelings for a man and a woman simultaneously does not mean you are bisexual. You could be entirely heterosexual and just having a homosexual tendency (meaning you have a major crush on someone of the same sex). Sexuality is a very complex thing. My advice is to try more things with more guys, sober, if you are up to doing so, then date a few more girls and try to make a decision after that.

xequar

21st Jul 2007, 07:34 PM

Just for the sake of conversation, I'll add the potentially controversial thought that the proof is in the porn. If you're into that kind of thing (and all of the other standard caveats that apply to pornographic imagery), take a look at straight porn, and take a look at gay porn. Which one are you into? Which do you enjoy more? Do you enjoy both? Like I said, the proof is in the porn, at least to a certain degree.

Forgive me if that seemed to be a flippant response. I assure you that is not my intent, and if there's anything else we can do to help, please don't hesitate to ask.

downboyup

21st Jul 2007, 08:32 PM

I'm glad you had a great time. He has more experience, and I am sure he will understand and hope he gives you some space. Perhaps you better check if he knows what he wants when it comes to you. Perhaps you dont have to make any decisions at this time as he may not have a strong idea of a future with you.

I understand that it has thrown up the whole sexuality question. When I have had relationships with women and it is going well, I have been totally into them and no attention on men. also vice versa. when i am single i identify much more as gay.

Sometimes it is not just about the sex, and there is a true connection - real affinity. This surely transcends gender?

While you wait to see him again, perhaps you should get your mind onto other things - go throw a ball, take a walk- look at the trees, look at your studies, check you future plans. give it a try.

good luck. let us know what happens.

EthanS

22nd Jul 2007, 02:52 PM

homosexual tendency , i dint kkno there was dat much typeds of sexualities:bang: :confused:

Gamer am I

22nd Jul 2007, 04:42 PM

What you need to keep in mind is the difference between love and attraction. I know this difference first hand because I love the girl who's my best friend, but I wouldn't ever dream of having sex with her. In fact, the one time she kissed me, I was a bit disgusted, not because of how she kissed, but because she's female. Like downboyup said, love can transcend gender.

Sexual attraction, on the other hand, is when you would enjoy having sex with someone. That's the key question to ask yourself. Does the thought of having sex with this guy excite you or disgust you? If it excites you, then you may be curious, or you may be genuinely bisexual. If is doesn't excite you, you may just have a friendship that goes deeper than normal male bonding, but then again, who can say what's normal? Regardless, good luck in figuring this whole thing out.

SpikySpice

22nd Jul 2007, 05:11 PM

Hmm, when two people are working or being close together, they will develope a connection or a bond called sexual intention

But it seems to me that the real clue to your sex-orientation lies in your romantic feelings rather than in your sexual feelings. If you are really gay, you are able to fall in love with a man, not just about sexual attraction with him.

So you have to wait to see thngs happen, cuz if you "come out", you wont have a chnace to take your words back

TeeBe

22nd Jul 2007, 07:48 PM

As "easy" as it would be to find your orientation by going out with a number of people (or sleeping with them...I know it isn't "easy either way, but the most convienient at least...), I am rather saddened to hear so many people suggest it. Great for you, but what about all of the people that you are leading on, just for yourself? Some people could be genuinely hurt. Toying with other people's emotions isn't a good way to discover yourself. Why not see where the relationships you are in NOW go? You don't have to come out at all. There is no ticking timebomb. What feels right to you feels right, right?

Anyways, I hope that helps some! There is definately good advice in the "love transends gender" advice. You will know, eventually. Good luck!

JayHew

23rd Jul 2007, 01:59 PM

That you are attracted to this fellow is not anything to be worried about. Sounds like you have a great relationship. But the troubles you seem to have can cause you a bit of a way to go. At first it may be that it is something new so a bit of that element there. You are having an experience with someone you like and is receptive to you. Connecting on many levels especially sexual has an impact.

So overall, it could be infatuation as well as doing something new and different. I would just go with the flow and see what happens over time. You may find that you are bisexual or even gay or maybe not and this is just an experience for you, but a good one. Also it wouldn't hurt to know what his feelings are.

For now though, I wouldn't get overly concerned with what is going on and what you are doing. Enjoy yourself and the experience but in time you will figure it out. Just be aware too, you might have a bit of a backlash at yourself when dealing with the various taught and learned things so far in your life, but just being aware that might happen can prevent throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Best wishes to you.

Psych!

25th Jul 2007, 10:29 AM

Well, from what i read it sounds like it was the beer. But if you have done anything while being sober then you might just be curious or have homosexual tendencies. Don't jump to conclusions though, this is something you'll have to approach with care.

Gera-Kun

25th Jul 2007, 10:31 AM

just wait and see...things like that happens alot. I almost thought i was in love with a girl once XD But man, was i wrong! lol But seriously, let time take it's toll.

joeyconnick

31st Jul 2007, 01:50 PM

I need advice. I have always identified myself as straight. I was the typical "popular" kid in high school-- I dated all the pretty girls, was an athlete, and was in all honors classes. I've had some "homosexual" experiences in the past with some good friends, but nothing ever too serious. It was never a big deal. I dated a girl for over and year and half, and I can honestly say I was in and still am in love with her. Recently, I met this guy that I hung out with one night. We both got really drunk and "hooked up." I was surprised to find out that he is gay, and he is out of the closet. He doesn't seem or act like he is gay. We are both in college, and he would never get any questions from me or anyone I know. Well, we kind of hooked up again that day when we woke up, that night, and then the next morning. I had NEVER done anything with a guy when I was sober or even close to it, but it is different with him. I don't know how to explain it. I feel like I have an awesome connection with him, and it is so weird to even think about. He is coming over tonight to talk about things, and I don't know what to do. I am really confused right now. I feel like I am in love with two people, except one is a guy and one is a girl. I don't think I am ready to define myself as bisexual, but if not, then why do I have these feelings about him? Am I just putting all my emotions in a person or am I actually bisexual? I just don't know what to do. If I were to "come out" it would completely destroy my life so I don't want to do it unless I am completely sure I know what I am into.

Any advice?Hey,

Welcome to EC.

I think maybe the key thing to realise about what you've said is that (much to my and I'm sure many, many other people's dismay) alcohol does not make straight people want to have sex with people of the same gender. Alcohol lowers inhibitions; it doesn't create desire where there was no desire before. So it seems to me that however you want to label yourself, you are sexually attracted to guys and have been for quite a while.

The other thing I'm getting from what you've said and how you've said it is that how people appear to be or act is pretty important to you, in that you are amazed that this guy you feel this connection for is not "obviously" (read: stereotypically) gay. And you're obviously making a distinction between how one chooses to identify and what behaviour one engages in. What I mean is that you think of yourself as straight even though it sounds like you've had sex with guys a lot more than just once. Some people insist on conflating the act of a guy having sex with a guy as the same thing as the guy identifying as gay. It doesn't work exactly like that, you being a good example. What "gay" is is different to different people. A lot people would say you're gay just cuz you've had sex with other guys. And some would say you're bi because you're in love with your ex-girlfriend. It's not a clear-cut situation if you try to look at it in terms of "what social group do I belong to as a result of my attraction to men?"

It also is a lot bigger and scary when you look at things on that level, and you obviously have an understanding of that because you've indicated your life would be destroyed if you were to come out. Well, hopefully that's hyperbole but yeah, it would be a huge change. It is for a lot of people.

Maybe the most important thing to realise is that there's no one way of being gay, or bi, or human. If you admit you are sexually attracted to guys, it doesn't mean you aren't who you think you are. It does mean that maybe you have to rethink a lot of your assumptions about what it means to be gay/bi/non-het/whatever in our society... and I'm not saying that's easy. But you've obviously already encountered a situation where someone says they're gay and they're not what you expected. I think if you dig around and keep your eyes open, you'll realise there are probably a lot of situations like that out there.

If you really do like this guy and you feel a connection with him and you like the sex (which it sounds like you do), it would be a real tragedy if you abandoned that just because you get caught up in a rigid notion of what's straight and what's gay. I would focus more on what you're feeling rather than what you think you should/shouldn't/can/can't/will/won't feel.

And let us know how things pan out!

beckyg

31st Jul 2007, 02:45 PM

Great response Joey!

joeyconnick

31st Jul 2007, 06:01 PM

Great response Joey!Thanks... I try.

Jim1454

1st Aug 2007, 07:10 AM

Great response Joey!

Agreed! I was reading to see if anyone was going to touch on the comment about his life being 'destroyed' by coming out. It certainly isn't an easy thing to contemplate, but at the same time people - including me - can come through it and continue to lead a pretty darn good life.

IDK - Stay open to the possibilities. I only WISH I'd considered the posibility that I was gay back in college. Unfortunately I was CLUELESS! So don't feel pressured to 'come out' as anything right now, but don't slam any doors closed either. It sounds to me like you've had a pretty amazing experience with this guy, and as Joey said, alcohol doesn't create desire where it doesn't exist.

Good luck.

IDKWhattodo

2nd Aug 2007, 02:29 PM

Well.. things that past couple weeks haven't exactly went as I planned..... and here's the story.

I think that I am getting emotionally attached to him.. probably because it is my first time. I don't know how to handle this situation. I feel like he is completely into me one second and then the next I feel like he is playing games with me. He will call and message me a lot one day and then ignore me the next. For example, I went out with my friends this past weekend. He said he'd give me a call Friday and Saturday. I didn't get a call either night. Sunday morning he messages me like nothing is wrong. Sunday night I messaged him and said that I didn't think it was good that we talked anymore if he didn't know what he wanted. I asked him straight out what he wanted. I got impatient and messaged him a day or so after I sent the message and we got into an argument because I went psycho. My emotions are all over the damn place. This shit doesn't happen to me.

I want to keep hanging out with him, but I don't know what I want other than that. I have told him that I am really into him, but I want to know if I am wasting my time. He told me that he "can't give a definate answer either way" because "it is just not that easy." So I told him he could have some space to think about things. That was Monday night. Last night (Wed) he messaged me with small talk.. he said he was in the middle of moving to a room upstairs. The conversation was short because I wasn't as responsive (I wanted to give him space) and he was busy. I assume he was just telling me that he was moving to sort of "check-in" to let me know that he is still thinking but he just has been busy. I want to know what his intentions are, and he isn't being responsive. How do I go about this? Sometimes he will call and sometimes he'll ignore me. I don't know what to think anymore. When we are together it is awesome and he is so into me. It has been since last week since we have hung out, though.

I am going crazy because this has never happened to me before at all. I feel really lonely because I can't discuss this with anyone else. I find myself just sitting around and thinking about it. Sometimes I think that he just doesn't want to get involved with someone who doesn't know if they are gay or bi or whatever. Other times I feel like I am just there on the side, and once the chase was over he got bored. I don't know what to do in this situation at all. I am not going to contact him until he contacts me again. How can I figure out what the hell he wants and what the hell is going on without sounding emotional??

joeyconnick

2nd Aug 2007, 02:56 PM

Hey again,

Okay, first off--I'm really sorry this guy is jerking you around. Whatever the reason, that kind of passive-aggressive shit is not deserved by ANYBODY. I can understand if he's out that he may be reluctant to get involved with you when you're not sure what's going on but that doesn't give him the license to do the hot/cold thing. I think you're making the right call by letting him make the next move.

Apart from that, well... I hate to break it to you but "this shit" is happening to you and it's obviously pretty intense. Fighting your feelings (rather than just feeling them) will inevitably make them a lot harder to deal with. (I know this from far too much experience.) Chances are there is no way to figure out the situation without being and sounding emotional because it's a situation that very intimately involves emotion. I'd be more concerned about you if you WEREN'T feeling torn/confused.

Look, you're dealing with a lot in one go. You're trying to figure out what's going on with you and you're trying to figure out what's going on with him and you're also dealing with emotions you're not used to having, plus a truckload of societal guilt-trip-type, well... shit.

You cannot make him behave in a reasonable manner towards you. That is something you have absolutely no control over, other than treating him with as much respect as you would like to be treated with in return. It sounds like you're doing a really good job of holding things together, other than going psycho on him which I assume sounds worse than it was.

You do have some sway/influence over your own situation, however. I can totally imagine how lonely you must feel with no one to talk to. Maybe that's where you can concentrate your efforts for the short term. If you're in college, there should either be a queer group on campus or at least some kind of counselling services. Seek them out. I know, I know... very few people want to seek out therapy/counselling but if you're really feeling the burden of not having anyone to talk to, I really think even having some stranger listening to you talking through what's going on will be immensely helpful. Counselling is confidential... and usually it is pretty judgment-free if the counsellor is worth his or her salt.

Alternatively, if you're in a major enough city, there will be likely be a glbtq org that offers some form of counselling, or maybe there's even a crisis line. Actually if you're in the States I'm sure there are crisis lines that are set up to handle what you're going through. Again, you'd be surprised how much difference just saying stuff out loud can help.

Barring formal type of counselling, do you have anyone you know who would be okay with what you're going through? Doesn't have to be a close friend, just someone trustworthy who could act as a sounding board. We're talking teacher, former teacher, buddy, friend, relative, neighbour...

When I first was dealing with being attracted to guys, the first person I told was virtually a stranger but he was gay so I knew he wasn't going to be judgmental. So to me that made it easier because I knew I wasn't telling someone who was intimately connected to my life at the time.

Finding someone to talk to in person will, I think, be the most helpful. But barring that, you can always talk about stuff here. Not quite the same as face-to-face but there are lots of supportive people around.

You probably feel really alone right now but that won't always be the case. Sometimes it can feel like you'll be stuck where you are emotionally forever... and the good news is that things do change and improve. But sadly no one is going to make that happen for you; you have to take charge of what's going on and essentially have the courage to change the things you can while finding the strength to accept the things you can't change and trying not to hunt down and kill the person who came up with that far-too-true serenity prayer. :lol:

Keep letting us know how it's going... you're not alone.

Jim1454

3rd Aug 2007, 07:18 AM

You're absolutely not alone - but counselling would be great if you can find someone you're comfortable with. This entire experience has been really intense for you - because it's your first. WAY more intense than it has been for the other guy - which is something that you need to recognize. Its great that you've been honest with him about what you are feeling and what you need to know from him. It is definitely in his court now.

In the mean time, get out and do other stuff. Seek out the groups Joe recommends. Try and look on this as a good break from the situation and reflect for a bit.

Good luck.

IDKWhattodo

3rd Aug 2007, 02:18 PM

Jim1454

3rd Aug 2007, 02:36 PM

If you contact him, be sure that when you end that conversation you clearly leave it with him - if he wants to see you again, he should let you know. Tell him how you feel about that - that you'd like to see him again and see where this thing goes.

If you don't hear from him - he simply wasn't ready or interested. That's not going to be easy to take, but better to know now than stringing yourself along based on the odd text message from him.

Take away from the experience what you've learned, what you liked, what you'd be interested in trying again, and look for new opportunities...

There will be other guys - also not easy to hear or accept, but its true.

joeyconnick

3rd Aug 2007, 02:37 PM

So... then I shouldn't contact him again? The last time I talked to him was Wednesday, and it was for just a few minutes when he messaged me. I just don't know how to deal with this because I want to give him time to think but I want answers. I just can't figure this kid out. I'm scared if I don't contact him then it'll just slowly end, which is what is happening right now.Well it depends... do you want to keep trying to stay in touch with someone who isn't all that invested in staying in touch with you?

I've gone that route before and it's not very fun. You can't make someone explain themselves to you--either they will or they won't and barring extremes you cannot influence that decision one way or the other by what you say or do. But if you continue to... well not chase him but certainly keep giving him the opportunity to deny you then you are putting yourself in a really unenviable position. You will always feel bad that you are making all this effort to sort stuff out and to stay in contact and he will (from the sound of it) only respond intermittently.

You might be best to send him a final message saying, "Look, I want to see what it is that's going on between us but I'm not going to chase after you... you know how to get in touch with me if you want."

And then focus on figuring yourself out. You can't figure other people out unless they want to be figured out. You're externalising what's going on, which admittedly makes a lot of sense. Ultimately, though, your feelings are yours... they're coming from you. It doesn't really matter who triggers them; you need to deal with yourself. And it's probably going to be a lot easier to do that with a little space from the intensity his presence is creating.

Let's just say that it's much easier to rush into a relationship ill-advised in the hopes it will fix you than it is to sit down, do a self-inventory, and work stuff out for yourself.

IDKWhattodo

3rd Aug 2007, 02:48 PM

joeyconnick

3rd Aug 2007, 03:06 PM

The thing is-- I really couldn't see myself being like this with another guy unless it was him. I don't know why, but for some reason I am just really into him. I am so attached right now, and it is freaking me the fuck out. I really need to get control of myself and be realistic, but it is just so hard. All I want to do is see him and talk to him. I don't know what to do. I know I can't control other people, and I can't make him tell me what he is feeling. Still, I want to know. It is driving me crazy. Literally, I am going psycho right now.Okay, deep breaths. Seriously. Take some... they can help a lot.

What you're feeling is pretty normal, however crazy you feel it's making you. Obviously you're not THAT crazy because you're communicating relatively coherently. :)

There's no way to really avoid feeling strongly for someone--you kind of just have to ride it out. It does usually lessen in intensity but it can take a while... days, a week, sometimes longer. Ultimately we aren't designed to be at a fever pitch 24/7.

That being said, I know it's hard. It's maybe the hardest thing about being alive, feeling. Especially the intense feelings. But you are still you, however alien it may seem to be feeling this much. You're not crazy/psycho... you're just in a really intense state. And it probably feels like it won't ever end, right?

There are some simple and banal things you can do. Exercise. Not only does it tire you out physically, it's really hard to focus solely on the guy in question if you're busy doing something strenuous with your body.

Masturbate. There's only so many times you can do it in a row before it starts to get old REALLY fast. :lol:

Movies/TV: excellent for distracting oneself. Reading too, although that requires more concentration so might not be as good.

And you can also use this period to ask yourself why you're so into him. Not just like "Oh why oh why am I so into him?" kinda hand-wringing stuff but more like "What specifically about him makes me want to be with him?" What feelings is he evoking... and why? Is there anything I don't like about him? What is it about him and not about other guys? If we were together, what would it be like?

I don't recommend ONLY doing that kind of internal interrogation but it's possible your feelings are so strong there's been no rational component to them or at least you don't know what the rational component is. No one is either pure reason or pure emotion--we have to figure out how to make them work together.

I'm sorry there's nothing I can do to make it easier. I'm confident you'll get through this; it's just that it's very hard to help someone do it with less torment or less anxiety.

IDKWhattodo

3rd Aug 2007, 03:17 PM

I am experiencing intense highs and lows right now. I am happy when I am out with my buddies and friends, but I get really upset when I am alone or see something that reminds me of him. I have never really felt this strong for someone this close. We got really close really fast, and he completely was into me. Now, I think I freaked him out a little bit. I just really need to sit him down and tell him what is going on with me. We haven't really talked in person about this. We tried to once, but it didn't turn out good because I was being really vague and beating around the bush. I am still trying to get used to this. I just... I don't know. I wish I could just turn back time and take away this whole thing. Feeling like I have been is not worth it.

I think also a part of it is that I don't want this to end at all. I really like spending time with him-- it's different. I hate thinking about the future and stuff knowing that it will never be the same.

I don't want to message him because I told him I'd give him space and time to think about what to say to me. I just don't understand why he messaged me with small talk? Is he interested still or he is just leading me on?

(Damn it is so fucking weird saying "he")

joeyconnick

3rd Aug 2007, 03:52 PM

I don't want to message him because I told him I'd give him space and time to think about what to say to me. I just don't understand why he messaged me with small talk? Is he interested still or he is just leading me on?Something worth remembering is that many, many people have trouble dealing with their feelings and so fall back on the banalities of polite surface interaction. So he could be confused like you. He could also be being flakey. Sadly it's kinda impossible to tell unless the person comes out and let's you know what's going on with them.

(Damn it is so fucking weird saying "he")Yep... that will take some getting used to.

As for it not being worth it... well, the alternative is that you'd never feel intensely about anyone, and I think that would suck just as much, although perhaps it wouldn't be as easy to recognise as a bad thing.

IDKWhattodo

3rd Aug 2007, 04:23 PM

joeyconnick

3rd Aug 2007, 06:15 PM

So what should I do? Just wait for him to contact me again. If he does, when should I bring this up to him? If he is making small talk, I don't want to just bring this up. Also, should it be in person or on the phone or what?Well, in person is ALWAYS best for this kind of thing but barring that, definitely phone. Most people are incapable of communicating about these kinds of things effectively over email, IM, or text (definitely don't try texting it!)

I would just be really honest with him; let him know you've had a hard time dealing with your feelings because this the first time you've had them like this.

If he is making small talk, just say to him that at some point (not necessarily right then and there but soon) you'd like to talk about whatever is going on between the two of you. But often in these situations there is never a "perfect" time to bring up a "let's talk about our relationship" discussion. (By relationship I'm not saying you two are dating... I mean "relationship" in the "two people who know each other" sense... of course you guys also Know each other in the Biblical sense but :lol: yeah). Anyway, because there's never a "right" time, sometimes you just have to deal with the awkwardness and forge on, bringing it up even if seems like it's quite the right time for it.

And yeah, generally no one wants to bring up the "how are things going between us" talk but ultimately it's an important talk to have.

IDKWhattodo

4th Aug 2007, 10:41 AM

I might give it one or two more days, then I'll send a message. I just don't know what to say. I could just be like "Hey, I was just wanting to know what was going on. It has been about a week, and I'd like to talk to you about this. I know that this is a really confusing thing, and I just want to talk to you about it with no inhibitions" Or something like that. I don't want to seem like I've been thinking about it too much, and I don't want to annoy him.

What do you think I should say?

joeyconnick

4th Aug 2007, 11:45 AM

That sounds pretty reasonable and non-crazy. I don't think I have any suggestions for improving it.

IDKWhattodo

4th Aug 2007, 12:24 PM

Oh.. did I mention that I deleted his phone number out of my phone last weekend so I wouldn't do something stupid when I was drunk. The only way I can talk to him is online because he hasn't called me since last Friday. Haha sooo.. yea.

joeyconnick

5th Aug 2007, 01:06 AM

downboyup

5th Aug 2007, 07:15 AM

u gotta get in touch with him, otherwise you will never know what could be.

stuck in the maybe of will it wont it be, is no fun.

contact him - more communication not less will see you through.

IDKWhattodo

5th Aug 2007, 06:27 PM

Well.. I took some of your all's advice and messaged him. I couldn't call because I deleted his number, and I'm not gunna ask him for it. I just felt like I had to if I wanted to remain sane. Analyze this for me.. haha..

Me (7:29:28 PM): hey whats goin on pal?

Him (7:29:44 PM): not much what you up to

Me (7:29:53 PM): relaxin hardcore haha

Me (7:30:14 PM): i've had a long, alcohol-filled week

Me (7:30:53 PM): hows the new room goin for ya.. missin that kick ass bathroom yet?

Him (7:35:54 PM): very much

Him (7:36:09 PM): my friends from atl are in town

Me (7:37:05 PM): very nice how long they here for

Him (7:48:27 PM): till tuesday

Me (7:51:37 PM): oh nice.. well we should grab some lunch or somethin before i head back home..

Him (7:51:52 PM): when u headin home

Me (7:52:02 PM): prolly tuesday afternoon

Me (7:53:30 PM): haha

Him (7:53:38 PM): how long for

Me (7:54:06 PM): i dont have a return date.. im wingin it.. some of my friends might come back with me when i head back so it depends on that

He signed off at 7:54:18 PM.

He just like.. left. I don't really understand that at all. Maybe he got kicked off. Where do I go from here?

IDKWhattodo

8th Aug 2007, 10:10 PM

Now that this situation between me and him is clearly going no where. No what? What should I do in my life? I am really confused about this.

downboyup

10th Aug 2007, 05:36 AM

did he answer the email you sent him on the other post?

Jim1454

10th Aug 2007, 07:23 AM

He just like.. left. I don't really understand that at all. Maybe he got kicked off. Where do I go from here?

Um, maybe its just me, but your online conversation wasn't all that serious. And you weren't very clear or showing much interest in him. You probably should have asked if he'd ready your note - to start the conversation down the path you wanted it to go.

When you suggested grabbing lunch before you went home, he did ask when that was, and you said 'prolly' Tuesday, and then laughed...

He still showed an interest in asking when you'd be back, and you didn't give him a clear answer, and said that you might be bringing friends with you. To me that says - "It isn't really that important when I get back, and when I do, I'll have company and won't necessarily need to see you."

To me - that conversation WAS over. I know I'm taking it out of context from all the online conversations that you've had with him, but that's what I got from the exchange you posted here.

Personally, if I really wanted to see someone, and had something important to discuss with them, I'd be a little more direct in telling them that, and would make some plans that were a little more specific than what you suggested.

Because what do you have to lose in being more blunt and to the point?

IDKWhattodo

10th Aug 2007, 11:14 AM

joeyconnick

10th Aug 2007, 11:28 AM

Um, maybe its just me, but your online conversation wasn't all that serious. And you weren't very clear or showing much interest in him. You probably should have asked if he'd ready your note - to start the conversation down the path you wanted it to go.

When you suggested grabbing lunch before you went home, he did ask when that was, and you said 'prolly' Tuesday, and then laughed...

He still showed an interest in asking when you'd be back, and you didn't give him a clear answer, and said that you might be bringing friends with you. To me that says - "It isn't really that important when I get back, and when I do, I'll have company and won't necessarily need to see you."

To me - that conversation WAS over. I know I'm taking it out of context from all the online conversations that you've had with him, but that's what I got from the exchange you posted here.

Personally, if I really wanted to see someone, and had something important to discuss with them, I'd be a little more direct in telling them that, and would make some plans that were a little more specific than what you suggested.

Because what do you have to lose in being more blunt and to the point?He was exceptionally blunt and clear with the guy... he just posted that particular email in a different thread at EC so you're not working with all the info.

Check here: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/showpost.php?p=44082&postcount=1

Jim1454

10th Aug 2007, 01:40 PM

No.. he hasn't responded to the e-mail yet. He IMed me yesterday with a "sup" but I was out by the pool. I didn't respond, and I'm not going to. I feel like he is just playing games, and I don't want to be a part of it. If he wants to respond to my e-mail or call me then I'll talk.

Jim-- I wasn't trying to sound uninterested. I told him I wanted to get lunch with him. I am not going to beg him. I'm not that desperate. He didn't sound interested either. He just signed off with no goodbye and not even responding.

Well, then I think you are taking the right approach. Refuse to play his game. He obviously isn't the guy for your. That will be hard to accept - when you really clicked on a physical level. At least you did have a really good time with him that once...

IDKWhattodo

11th Aug 2007, 03:35 PM

Well, you are probably right. I didn't want this to end like this. I just hope I'm doing the right thing. I think I need to start coming to terms with my sexuality. These past few weeks and my reactions to what has happened have really made me rethink my situation.

I just don't know where to go from here. I thought I was okay, and I thought I could just forget this happened. It is harder than I thought.

downboyup

12th Aug 2007, 07:08 AM

i really understand.

IDKWhattodo

14th Aug 2007, 01:39 PM

downboyup

15th Aug 2007, 04:02 AM

It means, that you are not a slut ! and it is not just about sex for you. be proud. You actually really care about someone and that is totally and completely fine.

Great that he is thinking about you. My gut feeling is not to go too overboard and give him too much of you. A bit of restraint can keep yourself from getting hurt, and also this is the level he wants to communicate at for a bit. respect that and enjoy chatting with him at that level. Let him reach a bit. You certainly have let him know how you feel. good luck

joeyconnick

18th Aug 2007, 01:46 PM

Wow.. ok so he just sent me a message with a link. I opened it, and it is a news story about how a show is being canceled. It was an inside joke between us. So that obviously means he is thinking about me, right? How should I respond to that?

On another note. I took some of your alls advice and hooked up with a different guy. I was completely trashed, but I remember not liking it that much. I couldn't stop thinking about him the whole time while I was with this new guy. Also, it felt different. It was weird, and I didn't really enjoy it. I think this guy could tell, too. What does that mean?With respect to the guy you're totally into, all you can do is either ignore him or follow his lead. That is, you can either just let him drift off (which might ultimately be the easier option in the long run given the history, which is not to say it wouldn't be incredibly sad) or you can communicate at the level he's indicated he's comfortable communicating at. And that, I know from personal experience, will be torture for you. Whether you're willing to endure that torture is up to you. And it is possible (though by no means likely) that the way the relationship between the two of you goes heads back to what you are so invested in. But if it doesn't, you will likely end up blaming yourself, even though it's nothing to do with you. So you have a choice... very superficial interaction that is sure to be torture and only has a very slim chance of ending up the way you want it to end up or... well, there are several other choices. You could just take a break from him for a few weeks/months. Things might change in that time. For closer or for further away... you can't really control that. Or you can just let him go and let your feelings for him loosen their grip on your life. That way you'd have more energy to figure yourself out.

I'm sure there are other options too.

As for the drunken sex with the other guy... geez, I don't think ANYONE here was encouraging you to have bad drunk sex with some stranger. First off, sex while drunk is often really bad. Second, of COURSE given your state and your feelings for "the guy" you were going to find it completely unsatisfying whether drunk or sober. I mean it's kinda admirable you were so "game," I guess, but if you're gay, it's actually not about drunken gropings with strangers, despite what some people might claim (and occasionally how they might act). At the core of it, if you're gay or bi, you can and do fall in love with guys. Which it totally sounds like you have with the guy in question (the one who likes sending frustrating text messages). Yes, sex is a part of that, and sure even drunken sex at times, but it's not the be-all and end-all.

I think maybe something that would be more helpful than having more drunken sexual encounters would be talking to some actual gay people or people who are gay-friendly, at least. I know that's incredibly scary if you never have but you'd be amazed how incredible it can feel to talk to people who aren't judgmental and who might actually have similar feelings and experiences.

After I first came out and fell for a boy, he ended up leaving me to take up with the only other gay guy I knew. (Yes, the drama, the heartbreak... it was horrible.) So then I had told a lot of my friends and some of my family but I literally didn't know anyone else who was gay, so I hung out with the two of them for the summer, and boy was that the very stupidest idea I ever did have. Well, one of them at least.

But then I got involved with my university's glbtq group that fall and it was amazing because there were all these people who were either going through what I was going through or had gone through it already (which I found more useful). Anyway, all I can say is that it really helped. Being isolated in how you feel is never going to be a good thing. A burden shared is a burden halved.

IDKWhattodo

19th Aug 2007, 12:41 PM

Well... I understand what you are saying. I think I am fine with the level of communication we are at right now. I really think that he pushed me away because he didn't want to get hurt. I don't blame him at all. He also had just gotten off anti-depresents about a week or so before we started hanging out. He was on them because last summer is long-term and long-distance boyfriend broke up with him. Supposedly he messed with his head a lot. I don't know the details.

I have been having a blast with my friends every day, and I have realized that I can't let something like what happened between me and him change who I am. I need to figure that out for myself.

He sent me a message with a link to a news story about an inside joke between us. I sent him a different link back. Here is the convo we had yesterday.

Me (6:57:10 PM): yo did u get that link? hahaha

Me (6:57:45 PM): i came across that today and it cracked me the fuck up cuz the reds suck ass

him (6:58:23 PM): lol yea i decided cincinnati needed a sympathy win, since they don't do well on HBO

Me (6:58:34 PM): ha.. funny

Me (6:58:52 PM): well.. i mean you cant win everything

Me (6:59:20 PM): u have to admit tho... sweeping the braves in atlanta..

Me (6:59:27 PM): thats pretty damn good

Me (6:59:31 PM): especially for the reds

Him (7:00:34 PM): very true.. every once in a while the underdog might pull a win

Him (7:00:48 PM): ..by a single point

Me (7:01:35 PM): well playa.. a win is a win.. lol but anyway... how u been??

Him (7:01:57 PM): not bad i guess, you

Me (7:02:44 PM): ive been good.. just drinkin way too much... and i got in a wreck yesterday

Me (7:04:12 PM): so the green machine is out of commission right now

Me (7:05:39 PM): but my buddy is here right now so i should prolly get off... i just wanted to make sure that you knew that your braves got smashed by a team from the state that you love the most..

Him (7:07:03 PM): haha asshole

Him (7:07:12 PM): hhow'd u wreck the elegant scion

Me (7:10:53 PM): dude

Me (7:11:36 PM): this damn dad of an orientation kid was on coming and cut me off.. i almost ran into a house

Him (7:17:08 PM): lol damn

Me (7:22:54 PM): yea dude

Me (7:27:54 PM): what u gettin into tonight

Him (7:44:06 PM): not sure still, you?

I didn't respond because I had left and forgot to put up an away message. He had signed off by the time I got back on. This is the stage we are at right now-- small talk. He still hasn't responded to my e-mail. When should I ask him to hang out again? Or should I not?

IDKWhattodo

27th Aug 2007, 03:03 PM

Ok now that school has started back up again, all my friends are back. I have just been so blinded by all the partying and reuniting to even think about this situation that much. I don't know if I am gay or bisexual. I know I am attracted to men. I am also attracted to women. I find myself acting one way when I am out around all my buddies and another when I am by myself or with a guy. It is like I am living two lives. I go out with my guys friends, who are the typical frat guys, and I am out looking for girls. I ENJOY IT. It isn't like I am just doing it to put up a front. Then, if I see a straight guy I think might be gay then I get interested. I kind of just want to know if I could turn him gay I guess.

I am not trying to sound cocky, and I don't know why I act like this. No offense to anyone on here, but I am not into the flamboyant stereotypical "gay guy" at all. I can't even really stand being in the same room as someone like that. Yet, I am attracted to men sexually. I think. I don't know if it is that or if it is the thrill that I am doing something different.

I have been with a few guys, and I have had a hard time keeping an erection. Every time I am with a girl I am always super hard, though. I think I like the excitement of doing something that I "shouldn't be doing." I just don't get what the hell is going on right now. There are so many emotions running through me, but it only happens when I am alone. I get into this "mood" that makes me feel so alone. I have a lot of friends, and I go out every weekend and some weeknights. But like I said, the moment I am alone I start thinking about this.

Currently I am hooking up with this dude, but we have only hooked up twice. We were sloshed both times. He identifies himself as straight, also. He is a varsity athelete. We have a lot of mutual friends and stuff. It would be horrible if they found out about us. I mean, I don't even know what the fuck it is with me. Sometimes I want to be in a relationship with him, and other times I get disgusted and annoyed.

I really think I am just fucked up. I am indecisive and a control-freak. I like the chase, but then I get upset if there is a chase. I want to see where this thing between me and him goes, but I don't want to freak him out. How do I go about that? Just not bring anything up and we will eventually hook up again?

This is really all over the place, so if you can figure anything out at all from it then please let me know.
What the hell is my problem???

zumbo

28th Aug 2007, 08:12 AM

Basing on your latest post I think that you're just ego-tripping attractive guys to gratify your male ego.

I completely know that I'm gay but I also sometimes flirt with girls who think that I'm attractive then I make them feel busted:dry: afterwards.

joeyconnick

28th Aug 2007, 10:43 AM

zumbo

28th Aug 2007, 09:42 PM

a little out of topic:

Yeah but do you repeatedly have sex with those girls you're flirting with? Give me a break!

No, I still never had sex with a girl nor a boy and this fact sets the equation. I j/oed with a cousin twice but this was the worst sexual thing I did in my entire life.

joeyconnick

28th Aug 2007, 10:14 PM

a little out of topic:

No, I still never had sex with a girl nor a boy and this fact sets the equation. I j/oed with a cousin twice but this was the worst sexual thing I did in my entire life.*sigh*

My point, and I did have one, was that you say he's just into guys because he likes the thrill/charge of flirting with them and having them respond. Then you used your flirting with women as an example of something similar, that even though you're gay, you will still flirt with women and lead them on because you like the power that gives you. But, unlike him, you're not actually following up "the chase" with sex with the people you are leading on through flirting. So while you're not doing anything more than flirting with those who are incongruent based on your stated sexual orientation, he IS, which makes what he's doing distinctly different from what you're doing, and I was trying to point that out. Your example of your flirting is totally irrelevant to his situation, because you're not following through the thrill of getting people to respond to your flirting with sex. He's going a lot farther with guys than simply flirting.

I didn't realise it was that subtle a point that it needed to actually be spelled out. :bang:

surfrboykai

28th Aug 2007, 10:18 PM

there's two things goin on here....

1) you seem to think that because someone is gay, they have to be all queeny. that's not the case dude. people don't think i'm gay unless i say i am.

2) you need to go with yer feelings. do you think you care about guys on a level above sexually? or are you the type of guy who can only fool around with dudes, and don't want a relationship with a guy?

my advice is this...go with yer heart brah. let it lead you. don't worry about what people think about you diggin dudes. you can be gay and masculine; you don't have to be a queen. i wish people would understand that. i also wish people would understand that it doesn't matter if someone's gay, straight, or bi. sexuality only comes into play in one place: the bedroom. outside of the bedroom, one's sexuality has nothing to do with who they are. yer sexuality should not define you. yet, there are people who do, which i think is totally sad

zumbo

28th Aug 2007, 10:33 PM

Joey, I'm sorry for the seemingly shallow comparison. I just want to offer him another perspective which is ego-tripping through different ways like flirting, having sex, or whatsoever.

IDK, maybe you're ego-tripping guys like the seemingly straight gay guy you met before treated you.

Considering your sexual orientation, I am not sure since sexuality is fluid. Being honest to oneself is the only way I know to realize that. Good luck.

surfrboykai

28th Aug 2007, 10:36 PM

i forgot to add something...i really don't belive in homo-, hetero-, or bisexuality. i believe in sexuality. we, as a species, are sexual. i believe if you fall for someone of the opposite sex, go for it. if you fall for someone of the same sex, go for it. same goes for lust, but that's just my opinion

hideinyourshel

29th Aug 2007, 11:38 AM

I agree with Kai's last comment - don't let a fear of your sexuality stop you from expressing your feelings.

IDKWhattodo

20th Oct 2007, 09:34 PM

Well.. it's been a while since I have been on here. I guess I have been through a lot since I was last on here. I have hooked up with a girl.. well a couple girls. I haven't hooked up with a guy again. I still think about the two guys from the summer all the time though. I recently defriended them both from Facebook... lame, I know. The first guy, who is gay, doesn't talk to me anymore. I don't talk to him anymore either, though. I saw him at the library, and it was really weird. He smiled at me, and I just kinda nodded and said whats up. It probably seemed like I was being a dick, but I just was caught off guard. He really took me for a ride in the crazy mobile this summer, and he kinda hurt me a lot too.

The other guy, the "straight" guy who is a varsity athlete for my college. Welll... that situation is fucked up. He texts me randomly, and I'll text him randomly. I haven't seen him since I last posted on here. You'd think I would because my college isn't huge. It's pretty big but not that big. Anyway, I think I am just kinda a person he texts when he is drunk or something. I don't always respond to his texts, and he doesn't always respond to mine. I think he is just really busy with school and practice and shit. I don't really know.

I have tried to figure out what I should do. I just don't know if I'm gay or bi or straight or what. I fantasize about guys all the time, but I can't see myself being completely gay. I am still really attracted to girls. It's just that all the relationship possibilities I think about are with guys... straight guys. I think it is just a fetish or something. I am starting to think that everyone I meet is gay or bicurious. It is such a weird feeling. I think it is because I think that if I have these thoughts then tons of other dudes must.

I just started a new class, and there is this dude in there that I think is pretty damn good looking. He was really friendly with me, too. I kinda want to pursue it just to see if he is into dudes or whatever. And about the ego tripping thing that someone mentioned.. I think you're right. It is a confidence thing. It is kinda like me thinking that I am just THAT attractive that girls and even straight guys wanna go for me.

Too bad I'm emotionally fucked up once they start showing interest. Any comments?