Do I have to have sex with a woman to know?

[blueraven381]

Hi, I have always known I am gay, and I have never had feelings for women. I'm going to college in about 3 weeks(!) and I want to be open with the people there, so I have decided to come out to my parents at least. I told my dad yesterday, he took it really well. He actually said he knew already, but when we started talking he realized that I have not have sex with a woman, and that I have only been with a guy once a long time ago. I don't think I have to have sex with a woman to know, but he thinks I should before I commit to being gay. I fell like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder, but at the same time I feel terrible that he believes I'm just mixing up emotions, now I feel insecure about what I before was sure of :confused:. Whenever I look at a guy now, I think of what my dad said and feel terrible. Honestly, I don't even think I could have sex with a woman! And i have to tell my mom now, and I doubt she will be more understanding. What should I do? How do I get rid of all these negative feelings about being gay, and explain to my dad that I don't have to have sex with a woman to know that I'm gay.

[Gera-Kun]

no you don't. I know i'm gay and i haven't even kissed a girl. My dad's kinda in denial and if he ever tells me what your dad told you, i'll be like, "Screw that! A reason I'm gay is cause i don't like girls period! So how am I to screw them if i want to PUKE when i see a nude girl?!" lol. i know, doesn't help much. but you don't need to have sex with a girl to know your gay.

[VballChick]

No, straight people dont have sex with the opposite sex to clarify what they already know, so why should you?

[beckyg]

I would ask your Dad if he would have to have sex with a man to know that he is straight?

Actually my husband had the same sort of thought process when our son came out but it passed. My sons' favorite aunt even offered to pay for him a hooker. No kiddin. LOL They are both fine and accepting now.

[Psych!]

I would ask your Dad if he would have to have sex with a man to know that he is straight?

Hehehe, good idea. But no, you don't have to do that to prove something to someone else. If you know that you're gay, that's something no one can make you doubt. So don't think about your dad when you look at a guy. I know that's easier said than done, but it will work.

[Hydrogen]

Well it is a new pickup line.....

"hey can I sleep with you, so I can be 100% sure I'm gay?"

I would just brush-off what your dad said. He doesn't know how you feel, and is in his own way trying to help. Just be honest with him, and re-assure him, you KNOW what you want...

[joeyconnick]

No, you definitely don't have to have sex with a woman to know you're gay. In fact, that would be a pretty lousy thing to do to the woman in question.

Your dad is probably coming from the following positions: he can't understand how you can find guys attractive (because he doesn't and because society says it's wrong, generally, still, or at least it certainly did when he was growing up) and he knows that being gay is not the easiest thing in the world and parents never want their children to suffer hardships. So despite the fact that he's thrown you for a loop, he is, as others have said, simply looking out for you the best he knows how.

You can pretty much tell this from the language you used, which I assume is a reflection of how he framed it: that he wants you to be sure before you COMMIT to being gay. That's a function of the fact that taking on the label "gay" in our society is for many people and in some circumstances taking on a pretty big stigma, so because people understand that, unlike skin colour, being gay is something you can hide or choose not to act on, they often go through a period where they caution others against taking on the label and the unavoidable baggage that goes with it.

So even though the notion that being gay is a relatively integral part of someone's identity/personality/make-up is becoming more and more popularly accepted, there's still this lingering feeling that one "becomes" gay by "committing" to it.

I think if you present your dad with the very excellent question others have mentioned, which is did he have to sleep with a guy before he was sure he wanted to commit to being straight, he'll probably have enough food for thought to figure it out. Just make sure you don't use it as a weapon, because then he'll probably be defensive, and that never works out. Maybe something along the lines of "Yeah Dad, I thought about what you said but it occurred to me that you probably didn't need to sleep with a guy to be sure you were straight and I don't have any desire to sleep with a woman, so I think I'll go with my gut on this one and spare some girl (and me) a really unpleasant experience."

Because seriously, there is NOTHING worse than having sex with someone you don't want to have sex with or who doesn't want to have sex with you.

And maybe you can reassure him by letting him know that you understand being gay isn't going to make your life simpler but that it will make you much, much happier to be able to be yourself. Parents are usually pretty invested in their children's happiness so that can be a good thing to point out.

[Gamer am I]

Joeyconnick is right, as is everyone else here. You'll be doing yourself and that girl a huge disservice if you have sex to see if you're gay. If you know what you are, don't let your dad try to confuse you.

[Andy21]

God no, I can't think of anything worse (No disrespect to all the ladies on here of course).

I'm 100% on my sexuality and I have yet to even kiss a boy. That may sound kinda sad, but I live in small village in the middle of Cornwall - What do you expect?

[CrimsonThunder]

My sons' favorite aunt even offered to pay for him a hooker.

Is that hooker still available? O_O

And like everyone else said, no you dont!

[crimsonarcher]

i agree.

[K0msomolets]

The quick answer: No

The extended answer contained in an Epistle: Well if you felt that you possibly/maybe/perhaps deep down could be bisexual (some don't think there is such a thing - I beg to differ) and therefore that you might be attracted to some girls as well as boys then I would have to say 'maybe'. I wouldn't recommend that you 'use' anybody though, it would be really unfair on them if you had sex just to test your sexuality out. If you meet some girl who you feel attracted to in that way and who is attracted to you in that way and there is sexual 'electricity' between you then that would be the best way to go about it I guess. Unless of course you are open to the idea of prostitution, which could conveniently solve that problem. Your morality is of course yours. All the same it might teach you something about yourself that you didn't know OR it might indeed affirm that you don't like sex with women.

I say this all the time to people, but Alfred Kinsey did an (admittedly imperfect) study of male sexuality in the sixties and came up with a 0-6 scale (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale) of sexuality ranging from Exclusively Heterosexual to Exclusively Homosexual. If this can for argumentsake be taken to be fairly accurate at least for the particular young white male college-going 1950s generation who participated in his survey; the suggestion is that an awful lot more people (than perhaps are willing/able to admit) did in fact fit into the 1-5 categories. It can be confusing, especially since people apparently don't always stay in one particular category, moving at different stages of their lives.

So if you feel you NEED to know what batting for the home team is like to assure yourself, then go ahead and be 'straight' for a bit. At the end of the day only you can know where on the scale is most representative of your sexuality at this stage of your life.

[JayHew]

No you do not and it is as everyone above has said, it is not necessary. You know what your orientation is and you were comfortable with it until now. Don't worry about any "lack" as it is not just sex involved with attractions, it is usually the whole person.

Have fun at college. Keep the toga parties to a minimum ok?!

[joeyconnick]

I say this all the time to people, but Alfred Kinsey did an (admittedly imperfect) study of male sexuality in the sixties and came up with a 0-6 scale (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale) of sexuality ranging from Exclusively Heterosexual to Exclusively Homosexual. If this can for argumentsake be taken to be fairly accurate at least for the particular young white male college-going 1950s generation who participated in his survey; the suggestion is that an awful lot more people (than perhaps are willing/able to admit) did in fact fit into the 1-5 categories. It can be confusing, especially since people apparently don't always stay in one particular category, moving at different stages of their lives.Uhm actually no, he did that in the 1940s! His first study was published in... 1948? It was on men, one on women followed. And I think one of the reasons his study is considered flawed (don't know for sure about the white college males bit, although it wouldn't surprise me at all as that is a really frequently-seen drawback of early sociological studies) is because he had a pretty high proportion of prison inmates in the sample. But yeah it was the 40s, and so all the more "shocking" to America.

[downboyup]

if you do it, do it because u want to experience life, i guess.

but i have slept with a few straight & virgin men who really didn't think they had any attraction to men, but ended up with this attraction then, and continued this attraction in their life.

it is possible that you could experience the same change of feelings if you slept with a woman. do it for your experience though.

[LorenzG1950]

I think there is a much easier way than sleeping with someone. Kissing should reveal quite a bit. I never enjoyed kissing females, or getting touchy-feely withy them. I love kissing guys and hugging. It makes things happen :icon_redf , if ya know what I mean.

[downboyup]

i agree with you.

[Jim1454]

I think there is a much easier way than sleeping with someone. Kissing should reveal quite a bit. I never enjoyed kissing females, or getting touchy-feely withy them. I love kissing guys and hugging. It makes things happen :icon_redf , if ya know what I mean.

Good point! I LOVE making out with a guy - and I think that says a lot about attraction to the other sex. If you think you know, I'm pretty sure you know.

[K0msomolets]

Uhm actually no, he did that in the 1940s! His first study was published in... 1948? It was on men, one on women followed. And I think one of the reasons his study is considered flawed (don't know for sure about the white college males bit, although it wouldn't surprise me at all as that is a really frequently-seen drawback of early sociological studies) is because he had a pretty high proportion of prison inmates in the sample. But yeah it was the 40s, and so all the more "shocking" to America.

I stand corrected my learned friend, I'll remember that bit even though its perhaps a minor detail in the overall message to blueraven381. And yes you are accurate, it did apparently include prison inmates and understandably shock America.

[Gamer am I]

I agree with Lorenz. If you really feel like you need to know, kissing a girl will usually accomplish what you want to accomplish. I can tell you personally that any doubt I may have had was lost when one of my female friends (she's actually a member of this forum, but I'll keep her name anonymous.) kissed me. I didn't enjoy it at all, not because she's a bad kisser, but because she's a girl. So yes, kissing can help you dispel any doubts you have.

[Kat22]

You don't have many girls' opinions on this, so allow me to offer one.

I know, as a girl who's been with guys and girls, that if I later found out that a guy had sex with me to either decide whether he is gay, or to prove to his father that he dislikes girls I would be EXTREMELY hurt and feel used. Also, I've only briefly skimmed everyone else's replys but I feel as though you are overlooking the medical aspects of this. The last thing you would need is to get the girl pregnant, especially if she is, for lack of better term, an experiment. You would have child you weren't ready for, for the rest of your life. Also, stay away from hookers! This may be profiling, but you do not want to hook up with a random girl, who has hooked up with probably more people than your grandparents have had birthdays x 5! Give your father time. If he is as understanding as you said, he will come around when he is ready.

[calamus]

The Kinsey male volume was published in 1948 and based on the responses of males born mainly between 1905 and 1929. The prison inmate stuff was used mainly anecdotally and didn't really figure in the analysis, although critics seized on this in an attempt to discredit the entire work. The college educated were over-represented because they were most readily accessible, but in presenting data for the US, the groups were weighted to compensate for this over-representation. The statistical analysis seems primitive by today's standards but wasn't bad for the 1940s.

[calamus]

No, I'm not 16 -- far from it --don't know how that got in there.

[Paul_UK]

No, I'm not 16 -- far from it --don't know how that got in there.

It's based on the date of birth you entered when you signed up, so I guess you made a slight mistake there. Send me a Private Message with your correct date of birth (or at least the right month and year) and I'll gladly correct it for you. :thumbsup: