dcboi
23rd Mar 2005, 11:24 PM
Well... I guess this story should start with a little background. I am 5'10, 160, athletic build, blond hair, blue eyes, "straight-acting" ...I've heard the "All-American Boy" comparison more than once. Well all of that... yeah, that's a recent thing. For a long time, I was short, chubby, kinda geeky, and I didn't have a lot of friends.
I am the product of divorced parents. I attended 7 different schools during my k-12th grade years. I lived in like... 12 different houses in 4 different towns. I moved around a lot. Friends were a luxory... there wasn't a lot of time to "figure myself out." So with this in mind, it wasn't easy making friends every time I landed in a new school. Especially when I was chubby, didn't have the slightest clue about style, and pop-culture was just some cliché title to me... I didn't even really know what it meant.
So all through school, I never really had time to understand what it really meant to be gay. I thought it was just some insult, yet I strangely found myself always interested in guys...
First, it was just your typical idolizing... I wanted to be like a certain guy, I wanted to do what he was doing, etc... by junior high and early high school, it wasn't long before that idolizing turned into wanting to be close to... talk to... have any interaction with...I found myself day-dreaming about these guys, trying to have any excuse to talk to them, etc... always on my mind... and well I'm sure you know where those thoughts progressed. :icon_redf
But strangely enough, even with all of these clues that would now send my gaydar singing Cher at top-volume, I just didn't get it. I thought I was a "Late Bloomer." I was so brain-washed by the heterosexual culture I was surrounded by that I was convinced that one day, I would be "interested" in girls... but in the mean-time, it was okay to like guys.
It wasn't until my senior of High School that it finally hit me... and it hit like a freight train. I knew I was different. I don't know what sparked the change in thinking... it was probably one too many episodes of staring at JTT on Home Improvement or Leonardo Dicaprio in Romeo in Juliet (my 2 youth crushes)... or maybe it was my excitement for gym class... or rather.. the locker room after :icon_eek: ..but whatever it was, I knew I was gaybisomething.
So towards the end of my senior year, I finally got the courage to tell someone... my best friend heather (read: my best fag-hag heather). We went out all night... saw a movie... talked for hours, until that difficult moment finally came. But the thing was, I just couldn't say it. in some round-about way, I basically made her say it... that I was bisexual. Immediately afterwards, we made out for about 30 minutes (why, who knows?) but it was quite a stressful talk. In fact, I neither of us mentioned it for at least a month. It wasn't until right before I left for college that we had another talk.
--
Next came college. Oh the excitement. Independence... classes... boys! I was convinced I was going to go to college and tell everyone the truth. I was bisexual and they could take me or leave me.
We all know that lasted about 2 seconds. I didn't tell a soul. And it was going great for the entire 1st semester... until I realized I had a huge crush on my straight best friend. We spent so much time together, we might has well have been boyfriends... unfortunately, his pseudo-girl friend disagreed. lol
Well, as luck would have it... one of my best friends from high school (katrina) also ended up at my university. We had gone on a few dates in high school.. prom, homecoming, etc. Things never really went anywhere, though. Neither her nor I really attempted to pursue anything more than a close friendship. In retrospect... another gaydar indicator.
One day, katrina and I were hanging out second semester and she seemed very stressed. I finally, after a bit of prying, she admitted that she had a confession. Seeing as though it seemed to be time for sharing, I told her I had a confession, too. It was at that ironic little moment in January of '01 that Katrina and I both came out to each other at the same time. What a relief that was.
Well let's just say it was the snowball effect from there.
By April, I had told pretty much all of my college friends... yes, even the straight best friend. Everyone accepted me for who I am... no one said they suspected a thing. They were all rather shocked. (enter stage left: all-american boy compliments) Things were good... very good. In fact, by summer, I even worked up the courage to tell my parents. I was on a roll, and nothing was going to stop me.
They were rather shocked, but admitted that their parental intuition thought something was awry.
By the end of the summer, I gave up my quest to be "normal," i.e. straight, and I started to accept myself for who I truly am. A happy, healthy, gay guy.. and from that point, things only got better.
--
As of late, I am working for a large metropolitan police department, and I have found myself slightly back in the closet... I'm not a huge fan of that. I'm slowly working on telling one officer at a time. Kinda sucks to go backwards after making so much progress, but I'm not off of probation yet :icon_razz
As it stands now, I've already made friends with a few gay and lesbian officers, so I am on my way to establishing my roots. Then I can have fun coming out to a new group. lol.
Every day is an adventure, huh. :cool:
--
Anyway, the purpose of this post isn't really to get feedback or support.. I'm really here just to provide another story that yeah... we all go through it... and it can be tough at times.. but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I mean I now live with 3 straight roommates who met me in college in the midst of coming out. I've got a boyfriend of two years, a loving an accepting family, and a job I love. Things can work out. It just takes patience, perserverence, and the courage to tell others who you are and that you aren't asking permission to be who you are. You just want to share this part of your life with them like you share so many other special parts of your life.
I am the product of divorced parents. I attended 7 different schools during my k-12th grade years. I lived in like... 12 different houses in 4 different towns. I moved around a lot. Friends were a luxory... there wasn't a lot of time to "figure myself out." So with this in mind, it wasn't easy making friends every time I landed in a new school. Especially when I was chubby, didn't have the slightest clue about style, and pop-culture was just some cliché title to me... I didn't even really know what it meant.
So all through school, I never really had time to understand what it really meant to be gay. I thought it was just some insult, yet I strangely found myself always interested in guys...
First, it was just your typical idolizing... I wanted to be like a certain guy, I wanted to do what he was doing, etc... by junior high and early high school, it wasn't long before that idolizing turned into wanting to be close to... talk to... have any interaction with...I found myself day-dreaming about these guys, trying to have any excuse to talk to them, etc... always on my mind... and well I'm sure you know where those thoughts progressed. :icon_redf
But strangely enough, even with all of these clues that would now send my gaydar singing Cher at top-volume, I just didn't get it. I thought I was a "Late Bloomer." I was so brain-washed by the heterosexual culture I was surrounded by that I was convinced that one day, I would be "interested" in girls... but in the mean-time, it was okay to like guys.
It wasn't until my senior of High School that it finally hit me... and it hit like a freight train. I knew I was different. I don't know what sparked the change in thinking... it was probably one too many episodes of staring at JTT on Home Improvement or Leonardo Dicaprio in Romeo in Juliet (my 2 youth crushes)... or maybe it was my excitement for gym class... or rather.. the locker room after :icon_eek: ..but whatever it was, I knew I was gaybisomething.
So towards the end of my senior year, I finally got the courage to tell someone... my best friend heather (read: my best fag-hag heather). We went out all night... saw a movie... talked for hours, until that difficult moment finally came. But the thing was, I just couldn't say it. in some round-about way, I basically made her say it... that I was bisexual. Immediately afterwards, we made out for about 30 minutes (why, who knows?) but it was quite a stressful talk. In fact, I neither of us mentioned it for at least a month. It wasn't until right before I left for college that we had another talk.
--
Next came college. Oh the excitement. Independence... classes... boys! I was convinced I was going to go to college and tell everyone the truth. I was bisexual and they could take me or leave me.
We all know that lasted about 2 seconds. I didn't tell a soul. And it was going great for the entire 1st semester... until I realized I had a huge crush on my straight best friend. We spent so much time together, we might has well have been boyfriends... unfortunately, his pseudo-girl friend disagreed. lol
Well, as luck would have it... one of my best friends from high school (katrina) also ended up at my university. We had gone on a few dates in high school.. prom, homecoming, etc. Things never really went anywhere, though. Neither her nor I really attempted to pursue anything more than a close friendship. In retrospect... another gaydar indicator.
One day, katrina and I were hanging out second semester and she seemed very stressed. I finally, after a bit of prying, she admitted that she had a confession. Seeing as though it seemed to be time for sharing, I told her I had a confession, too. It was at that ironic little moment in January of '01 that Katrina and I both came out to each other at the same time. What a relief that was.
Well let's just say it was the snowball effect from there.
By April, I had told pretty much all of my college friends... yes, even the straight best friend. Everyone accepted me for who I am... no one said they suspected a thing. They were all rather shocked. (enter stage left: all-american boy compliments) Things were good... very good. In fact, by summer, I even worked up the courage to tell my parents. I was on a roll, and nothing was going to stop me.
They were rather shocked, but admitted that their parental intuition thought something was awry.
By the end of the summer, I gave up my quest to be "normal," i.e. straight, and I started to accept myself for who I truly am. A happy, healthy, gay guy.. and from that point, things only got better.
--
As of late, I am working for a large metropolitan police department, and I have found myself slightly back in the closet... I'm not a huge fan of that. I'm slowly working on telling one officer at a time. Kinda sucks to go backwards after making so much progress, but I'm not off of probation yet :icon_razz
As it stands now, I've already made friends with a few gay and lesbian officers, so I am on my way to establishing my roots. Then I can have fun coming out to a new group. lol.
Every day is an adventure, huh. :cool:
--
Anyway, the purpose of this post isn't really to get feedback or support.. I'm really here just to provide another story that yeah... we all go through it... and it can be tough at times.. but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I mean I now live with 3 straight roommates who met me in college in the midst of coming out. I've got a boyfriend of two years, a loving an accepting family, and a job I love. Things can work out. It just takes patience, perserverence, and the courage to tell others who you are and that you aren't asking permission to be who you are. You just want to share this part of your life with them like you share so many other special parts of your life.