Mention my bf?

[xyc]

Okay, I'm quite sure that I'd like to come out to my brother to whom I'm closest with in general and age.

I've been reading some coming out guides and have just two questions:

1) Should I mention the fact that I'm in a homosexual relationship?

My brother has heard about my current boyfriend because my bf was my friend and so I had talked about him. My brother first met him just a little while ago in a very short visit (it was very awkward, because we had only been dating for days and visited him right after a GLBT thing). My brother told me he thought that he [my current bf] seemed gay, to which I just said 'He's straight' (:eusa_liar) and my brother said it's too bad because he'll have gay guys hitting on him all the time. Back to the question: so, my brother may already suspect that my bf is gay. My bf at first said 'Don't tell him I'm gay!' when I said I might come out to him. Now, though, he's gone to 'Tell him whatever you want'.

I had gone to a GLBT event with my bf when my brother first met him and so I didn't really say why we'd gone to the city and my brother was already confused as to exactly what we'd done there. So, in coming out I wanted to admit that we went to the GLBT thing so that makes sense. So, should I pretend my bf went with me and is a really good straight friend? My gay friend? My boyfriend?!?

I just don't know if that's suddenly too personal; could it be too much too soon and give him a mental picture he doesn't want? I'd like to say it because I'm in love and excited. The reason I'm coming out, also, is to stop hiding and so I'd like to come completely clean. Of course, I may be getting too far ahead because I don't know exactly how he'll react.

I'm comfortable with him knowing (and want him to know) I'm gay but I really don't want my parents to find out until I'm financially dependent (i'm in school and very dependent now).

Btw: I've already had great conversations about homosexuality not being a choice with my brother. One time he even said to me 'You obviously can't choose to be gay, just as you can't choose to be straight... that is, if you are straight...' followed by an awkward pause and nervous laughter by both of us, lol.

2) Is it plausible to expect him to keep it to himself?

If I tell him not to tell anyone (especially our parents or any other siblings) is that a reasonable thing to ask of someone? I think it should be, but do others have experience where they didn't follow what you asked?? Or, is that a hard thing to ask because now he'll know and think of it when he's visiting our parents, maybe wanting to tell them?

Damnit: the 'enter' key just broke on my laptop! Okay, well I'm thinking of coming out in about one week (end of next week) so please respond if possible; I could use some thoughts about both of these things. Overall, I think my brother will be fine with me being gay and I just want to know if talking about my boyfriend would be too uncomfortable, mostly, and if he really will keep it a secret.

[drhladnjak]

In my humble opinion, I think you should just come clean and tell him everything when you come out to him. I imagine that once you come out to him, he may very well ask about the past suspicious incidents you mentioned in your post. In general though, when you come out, some of the first things that go through the mind of the person you're telling are questions concerning if you're having sex, have a boyfriend, etc. So, the topic might just come up on its own anyways and you can handle it as it happens.

Now, that doesn't mean you have to say something like "I'm gay and that guy you met a month ago that I said wasn't gay is my boyfriend and we went to this gay thing and ...". Take your time and focus on the coming out. What ever follows will be fine too as long as you don't lie. Of course, you could choose to continue lying about this guy, but it sounds like a major reason you want to come out to your brother is to stop the lies.

As for knowing when/if to tell your brother or parents, you know them better than anybody here. Obviously, lots of peoples' siblings are trustworthy enough to keep a secret like this, but many aren't. You're going to have to use what you know about your brother to figure out if he'll be able to keep the secret. That said, no matter how much you trust him, you should prepare for the eventuality that he may tell your parents, if that's intentional under unusual circumstances ("xyc has dropped off the face of the earth. We don't know where he is and the last guy I saw him with was his boyfriend.") or accidental ("xyc, his boyfriend and I saw this great movie yesterday. Oops...").

Unfortunately, the only story I have about telling somebody and them trying to keep it secret isn't as relevant here, but I'll tell it anyways. So when I came out to my parents, in their shocked state they asked if I was going to tell other members of the family. I told them I probably wouldn't (at least not right away), but that I should tell my brother (who lives like 50 miles from them) at some point. I actually told my parents that I didn't care who they told, but they said they wouldn't tell anybody because that was my business not theirs. Essentially, that was code for "We're in the closet about having a gay son and aren't going to come out to others about it." My mother then expressed concern that my brother wouldn't take it as well as they did. They didn't really take it all that well, although looking back with what I know now about how other peoples' parents have reacted, it was probably about as good as could be reasonably expected (we don't understand this psychological abnormality, but we love you anyways and know you can't change).

Well, two weeks later I was talking on the phone to my mom again. She informs me that my dad had lunch with my brother earlier that week and told him that I was gay (so much for it being my responsibility, although like I said before I didn't really care if they told him). Better still though, my brother was totally fine with it and even told my dad he has lots of gay friends (which I admit, even surprised me).

[goratrix]

Only you know your brother, and only you know how he'll react.

My brother took it really well when I told him, now... I didn't (and still don't) had a boyfriend, so I really can't help you there... I think you should be honest with him if he asks, if he doesn't, then perhaps give him some time to take it all in.

Good luck, an please let us know how it goes.

My thougths are with you.