I'm sick of all the drama!

[Jordano]

Hey guys - I haven't posted in awhile but need to get this off my chest and knew you guys rocked when it came to this so here it goes:

All my life I've been stereotyped as gay - in elementary it wasn't true, jr. high it definitely wasn't true and throughout high school it finally stopped. I figured people would be way too imature to base things off of stereotypes in college but I was wrong. Oh, I discovered, or at least accepted to myself, that I was bisexual if not gay last year, my first year of college.

This year, I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years finally. I was powerfully connected with her emotionally but as far as physically, it just wasn't there. After that I kinda fooled around with this guy who totally played me and basically ruined my life.

This is all random, whatever pops in my head stuff too so bare with me. I came out to 3 people last year, my high school best guy friend, my college best girl friend, and a college best guy friend I had a huge crush on. This year I've come out to two of my other best college friends.

The problem is, I'm starting to find out that all these people, some friends, some acquaitances, think I'm gay, and some of it links back to the guy I messed around with because he's openly bi but told nobody about me, people assumed because we were friends and both in music stuff that it was me, when it actually wasn't. A story got started that one of his housemates caught him making out with a guy in his room, everyone thought it was me but wasn't. Yes I made out with him, but not at his place, and no one that doesn't know about me already knows about this.

I found out from another friend that two of my somewhat close friends both thought I was but were told I wasn't by my best friends because they know I want to come out slowly and to the right people. For instance, one girl "knows" I was the moment she met me, but I didn't even know then so it pisses me off that people assume this! To me, its not that big of a deal, who cares if I am or not, just dont' spread rumors about me if I haven't specifically told you I am or not or that you can. Get the wrong person drunk and everybody will assume, like what happened this weekend. This dumbass assumed i was the one that made out at the guys place just because he thinks I am. I'm trying to let it go, because people can think about whatever they want, but it really gets to me when they start asking other people, getting them curious and then rumors get started and before I know it everyone thinks it automatically before I feel comfortable enough to tell them myself, so then I find myself explaining things, covering them up, and I'm sick of all of it, why can't people just grow up?! I don't really know what to do because all the wrong people are assuming stuff, finding out stuff, and I'm not ready for them to know, it it gets to one of my good but strong Christian friends, our friendship is over. Oh, and my ex g/f doesn't know yet either because if I tell her then I have to explain everything and probably tell more people and I haven't found the right time. Theres just so much drama and I'm sick of it. My rant is over for now...thanks...

- Jordano

[JonB321]

Well, first off, you're certainly not the only one who has dealt with a situation like that. For me, some serious stories were spread in highschool. But I got over mine relatively unscathed. This year, one of my brother's best friends, who goes to college with me, had a rumor going around about him. I decided to confront him about it, and after I came out to him, he admitted that it was true. Since we've back at school, he's had to deal with a lot. People have been talking about him, and spreading rumors, and joking about it. Basically, it has been pretty miserable for him.

The thing that I've learned from watching him go through all of it is this: people love gossip, and there's nothing more juicy than gay gossip. It goes back to the concept of schadenfreude. Basically, it means that you derive happiness from other peoples' misfortune. It's natural, we're all guilty of it, and when the topic enters something as fun as homosexuality, expect that it is going to be a hot topic. You sort of just have to ignore it. People are going to assume, they're going to gossip, and they're going to talk about it behind your back. What you need to realize is, this doesn't mean they don't like you, or that they think any less of you. It's just that you're today's news. What I've found works best to stop the gossip is actually coming out, but if you're not ready for that, you'll just have to endure the gossiping.

Good luck.

[hawkeye]

I agree that assumption and gossip are terrible things. Wreaks life for no reason. When i started coming out, people had all sorts of assumptions. My mom automatically assumed that i was addicted to porn when i told her. My friends expected me to turn camp. Friends of mine asked if specific other friends that they knew were gay, and one of my friends even jumped so far as to assume that because i knew a gay kid, we were going out. It really sucks because you either have to guess about gossip, or you have to convince the person that it is completely wrong to assume something like that. My basic response to questions about my friends being gay was that even if they were, they deserve the respect to be unquestioned untill they are ready to come out themselves. As for people you know speading rumors about you, I'd let them know that you are dissapointed that they didn't have the respect to try to confirm that it was you. If people feel that they can talk to you about it, they probably wont go saying stuff untill they talk to you about it.

[joeyconnick]

Hey Jordano,

There's really no way to battle gossip or insinuation except with truth. For instance, I never had to face the situations you're facing because I kinda just told everyone as rapidly as I could. The more you try to keep something quiet, the more people are usually interested in what it is. It's not fair or fun but it is generally how things go. Your desire for certain people not to know is generating the interest... well that and the fact that the information has a sexual component, which makes it sordid to a lot of people, which exponentially increases the interest in the information.

It's a lot like when people taunt us with the things they know will push our buttons. Except for the truly, truly moronic (and sadly there is never any escape from those), most people back off when you make their prurient interest irrelevant.

I think that's why a lot of people make sure they present themselves as very comfortable with their sexual orientation when they come out, even if they aren't as 100% okay with it as they seem. I know that's specifically what I did--I knew if I indicated any uncertainty to the world at large, some people would throw that back in my face. So I did what most gay people are good at and I put on one hell of a show. Oh okay, it wasn't that big an accomplishment since I wasn't suffering from a huge boatload of confusion or anything. But it was definitely something I engaged in quite deliberately.

The simple fact of the matter is that if you make a big deal out of something personal, others tend to follow your lead, and sadly often in a negative way.

So the best solution is to just come out calmly and quietly when opportunities present themselves. The next best solution is to get as disinterested in gossip about you as you can possibly can. The more you're like, "So what if X thinks I'm gay?" the less reaction you're likely to get from others. You can be sure that other people around you are watching you to gauge your reaction to all this (mis)information. And if you want to play dirty, you can respond with things like, "Oh Mike thinks I'm gay? Wow... he must be projecting. Is he feeling lonely lately?" Not perhaps the most noble path but it can be fun and if someone is hassling you about your sexuality, well, I think they've made their own fair game.

I've said this before and I'll say it again, though: you should really tell your ex, because if she comes to you with questions and you deny it, that's adding insult to injury. If you tell her yourself, you have a little more control over the situation.

I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to have been stereotyped as gay all your life and have tried to deny or ignore it and then have found out "they were right." (If you can believe it, I wasn't really, hence my saying "I can only imagine...") The thing is, they're not really right, because you're you, you're not gay... at least not the way they're thinking about it. And that might actually be the only time you ever hear me agree with the whole "I'm a person who just happens to be gay" line of thought, because what "they" conceived of as "gay" is a stereotyped notion that really has nothing to do with you. Or rather, nothing more to do with you than any label that someone might apply to you. If they happened to label you as "gay," they got lucky, but it doesn't make them better than you or smarter or more perceptive... it just makes them jerks. Basically, I guess what I'm saying is that it seems to me at the root of that frustration with being labelled is more frustration with yourself than with anyone else... and if you can learn to let that go, that'll make your life a lot easier, because you don't need to be so hard on yourself. People are who they are and they make the choices they make and there's a whole host of factors that go into those decisions that the people making them themselves might never fully understand, let alone people who are on the outside looking in.

I guess it's a bit like learning to "love your inner child," although hopefully nowhere near as disturbingly cheesy: you have to make a kind of peace with your past, especially your childhood, where you recognise that everything is much, much easier to pick apart in hindsight. Learn to focus on the present with an approach that's informed by, but not shackled to, your past experiences.

And yeah, I know I sound like a fortune cookie dipped in pop psychology at this point so I'll shut up. I just feel so bad that it's tearing you up like this because I really feel like I struggle with similar issues, even if the particulars are a little different.

(*hug*)