Asexuality?

[Zec24]

What are your guys thoughts on this? And by asexuality I mean that you could have a relationship with someone, but it would never be a sexual one. From what I understand there are varying levels of asexuality. When I first started to question my sexuality I thought I was asexual, but with a homo-asexual tendency. I feel like I'm starting to come back around to feeling that way again. The problem is I don't want to, but at the same time I realize I can't force myself into a sexual relationship possibly hurting the other person and myself. If you guys thing pickings are slim in the LGBT community, you should see the homo-asexual community.:lol:

[Midnight Angel]

I think it's a double-edge sword type of deal. Sometimes I think it would be great to be asexual and not have to worry about anything that comes along with homosexuality, but then I'm glad I'm not because sex is too awesome regardless of who it's with haha.

[bvtsjm116]

LOL, I feel sort of the same way you felt... o.O

I think it's a double-edge sword type of deal. Sometimes I think it would be great to be asexual and not have to worry about anything that comes along with homosexuality, but then I'm glad I'm not because sex is too awesome regardless of who it's with haha. I wouldn't have sex with just anyone =[

[Midnight Angel]

LOL, I feel sort of the same way you felt... o.O

I wouldn't have sex with just anyone =[

Oh maybe that's just me then O.o LOL

[bvtsjm116]

Oh maybe that's just me then O.o LOLheh, maybe I'm just picky... but I guess I don't care for sex as much as cuddling and stuff, and I would only do it with the perfect person <3

[Midnight Angel]

heh, maybe I'm just picky... but I guess I don't care for sex as much as cuddling and stuff, and I would only do it with the perfect person <3

Well it's a good thing you aren't asexual then or you'd never get that perfect person

[surfrboykai]

could it stem from you being way scared to come out of the closet? like, i think it might not be asexualit. granted, i don't know you well, but i would totally dig the chance to! i hope we can help work you through this!

[Zec24]

I agree with Bvtjm116, it would have to be someone special for me to consider having sex. I've just never felt the need to, not that I'd say no to it if I felt it was right. And yes, it may be because I'm still really in the closet and I'm just not comfortable with myself yet. Its one of the biggest reasons why I'm still questioning my sexuality. I'm not sure I could have sex with a woman. I'm totally turned off to the idea with a man.

Again, its going to take the right person I guess.

[Midnight Angel]

This is gonna sound worse than I mean it to, but you'll never really know for certain till you try. This isn't to say to go out and find a random girl have sex with her, find a guy and have sex with him and compare notes. Like you said you want that special person, but when it happens you'll know for sure. So who knows, once you do find that special person you'll find out.

[bvtsjm116]

I agree with Bvtjm116, it would have to be someone special for me to consider having sex. I've just never felt the need to, not that I'd say no to it if I felt it was right. And yes, it may be because I'm still really in the closet and I'm just not comfortable with myself yet. Its one of the biggest reasons why I'm still questioning my sexuality. I'm not sure I could have sex with a woman. I'm totally turned off to the idea with a man.

Again, its going to take the right person I guess.

I guess I feel sort of the same as you... I've never felt the need to have sex with another person... not that I don't need release... just not with a person... O_o unless I really liked them but yea I like guys though mostly, but I'd only do it with them if they wanted it just cause I'd love them <3

[Zec24]

No, Emperor, it doesn't sound bad, and I've heard the idea mentioned before about trying both a guy and a girl and seeing which one you like best. I don't think that ideas for me, but as to the knowing when I find the right person, I guess you're right.

I just thought at 21 I should have found someone by now, but I guess I'm still relatively young. Or I could be well on my way to being the 40 Year Old Virgin, Steve Carrol's(sp) female counterpart.

[sblvd06]

Not only do I not believe it, but I think it's redundant. I think that the people who call themselves asexual have been traumatized about sex somehow, or just have extreme self-control. I also think that it's a lot easier for females to call themselves asexual than it is for males.

[TheMusicMan]

Asexuality... what a puzzle of a topic. It's easy to see why the concept of asexuality would appeal to almost anyone at some point or another in their lives, regardless of their actual sexuality. I'm not entirely certain that true asexuality exists in people, except maybe in very extreme, mentally-underdeveloped persons.

It would be nice to think that one could declare oneself asexual for several reasons. Firstly, if you were simply asexual, there'd be no need to answer to people who make accusations that's you aren't straight, giving you something else to say to someone than a simple "yes" or "no" (or denial) when the question of sexuality comes up. Another benefit is that there'd be no need (or desire?) for a partner, no constant subconscious eye-roving to scout out the nearest eligible piece of meat.

Overall, it is kind of an inidividualistic ideal that one might be sexually independent without succumbing to the typically-inevitable temptation of the most primal thing mature humans can't help but partake in: sex.

I wonder how much this social idealism overshadows the actual frequency of asexuality (or lack thereof)....

[Revealed]

I actually thought of myself as asexual a while ago because I couldn't understand why 'it' hadn't happened yet & why I felt awkward & uneasy around guys. I thought that maybe I would be more comfortable in a relationship if there was no sexual element involved.

Although now, I believe I would be comfortable to be in a sexual relationship with a female, I still wonder if I am asexual at times. I go through periods of looking forward to being with someone, but then apprehension takes over because it really is a fear of the unknown, having not been with anyone before.

So I definately see where you are coming from, & I would like to think I find someone special to disprove these feelings though.

... I fear becoming the 40 Year Old Virgin too....:lol:

[Tom]

im not an asexual type of guy but tbh if i found a guy tht i loved and he didnt want 2 have sex then i wud never pressure him into anythin, id be perfectly happy wth just cuddles, if im in a relationship it would be more to give him what he wants than for me to get what i want

[CelebrityHead]

This might be a lil off-topic, but....
My English teacher once told our class a story, because she liked gossiping more than teaching, about this guy who she taught a few years ago. He was called 'gay' and was taunted for his entire time at high school. He was teased so often that he was absolutely convinced that he was gay, even though he hadn't had any feelings towards men. He went to uni in another city, came across a gay bar, and decided that he was ready for random sex, I guess. He picked up a guy and went home with him. After that night he was convinced that he was completely straight.

I guess sometimes you don't know 'til you try, and that there are different things that can massively impact on your thoughts of your own sexuality - in this case, taunts. In your case? I don't know, because I don't know you. Maybe something in your life is affecting your views on your sexuality, or asexuality.

[greyundrstndng]

I think its possible that a person is asexual. they may at some point want to have sex, but overall, they may not feel the need to have sex. I still wonder about my sexuality and for a while i thought i was asexual with gay tendencies and bi tendancies.......omnisexual maybe?!?!:D After my first couple experiences (granted with a woman) i didn't really enjoy it. i have yet to be with a guy, so it is still possible that i could be asexual. (god i hope not...lol. :))

[24601]

Asexuality is something that I've only recently been exposed to (well, in the past few months) but it's something rather close to me. My best friend of many years now has recently realized he's asexual. I don't know if I would be able to believe it without knowing him. To me, not having any sexual desires what-so-ever seems so foreign. But, he's made me see that asexuality is real, and as valid as any other type of sexuality. He just has no desires towards either gender, romantically or physically. For a while I thought it was something that would pass, but I've known him for a long while now, and it hasn't changed at all. It's not that he's unattractive or couldn't date/have sex with someone (of either gender), but he just doesn't want to - it's like a lack of a sex drive. That's my experience on it, anyway. But, yes, asexuality is a very real and valid orientation.

On a side note, there's this cool site (asexuality.org) that offers tshirts and stuff, and one of their things was "53x + m^3 = ∅," which me, being the math geek/overall nerd that I am, found amusing.

[CelebrityHead]

"53x + m^3 = ∅,"

I don't get it :icon_redf

is it sex and me equals square? or nothing? lol

[24601]

Yeah, sex + me = undefined/empty set.

[SpikySpice]

I wouldn't have sex with just anyone =[

That is what happened to me, even tho i like sex, ehem, but I cannot have sex wiv randome people, dosent matter how hot or attractive they look

One of my friend, he likes to talk bout sexual stuffs onlien, but he todl me when it came to sex, he couldnt do it, to both sides

But soemtiems in a relationship, sexi is not the main thing, and love is the point, there are people who love their lovers too much that they couldnt sex them, i dont know why

Maybe some peopel think sex is something guilty or sin or whatever it is that is bad, or some people had bad experienced about sex in teh past that now they cant or dont wnat to do it anymore

[budhead]

Asexuality is the only label that I can find to describe who I am at the time being.

I'm 43 and have never been in a loving relationship.

I enjoy mostly gay porn but occasionally hetro porn. So, I'm into watching sex and masturbating, but just don't enjoy "real" in the flesh sex and intimacy with others for some reason.

I was a virgin until this year. I've recently had oral and intercourse sex with a female and oral with a male. Both included cuddling, kissing, talking, hugs and sex. I just couldn't get into it with either of the sexes. Both were attractive and in very good shape. I didn't enjoy the kissing, cuddling, hugging, oral, fingering, etc... at all. I just don't know why? It's so frustrating as I so wanted to, in order to be "normal"! I got to know these people before having sex with them, so they weren't total strangers.

I had a huge crush on my male friend when I was in my early 20's. I finally had a chance for mutual masturbation with this person, and I found it un-fulfilling. Why? I could so easily masturbate with thoughts of sex with this person, but couldn't enjoy the real thing. Seems f'd up to me!

Maybe that makes me a mostly gay asexual? Is it possible that there's another term for someone like me that is a better fit?

I wish I could enjoy a physical relationship with someone, but it doesn't seem to be in the cards. I was never sexually abused, so what's my issue?

Sex with me seems to be only mechanical void of any emotional connection. I don't like this situation. Are there others like me out there, please?

I've gone along for years with being happy in my self sexual existence, but this year I started to wonder why at 43 that I'm not like most other people. I think my new friends that have girlfriends have started me questioning why I haven't had the drive to find a female or male partner to be close to emotionally and sexually.

Being different sucks!

[Zec24]

It sucks sometimes. I'm still not sure if I'm really asexual or not, but I don't think so and in fact I hope not.

I think I'm trying to hard though, in trying to find someone to have a relationship with. I still don't have a real sex drive, but I don't mind hugging, kissing, etc. I think I have guilt issues with sex, I've always seen it as something bad, or gross, or wrong somehow. I don't understand why as I've never been sexually assualted or harrassed.

I'm sorry I'm not much help on your problem Budhead, but I guess you can just keep trying and maybe you'll find that special person.

Have you ever gone to therapy to discuss these problems? Just wondering because I think I'm going to after I graduate from college in May and have some time and money.

[budhead]

I haven't gone to therapy for this. I went in my 20s for depression and that worked. That might be an idea to at least tell me why I'm this way. I'm not sure that they could do anything to allow me to take pleasure in being intimate.

[Astaroth]

Okay, there was this show on TLC (I think) a while ago about a new mental probe device used to treat low sex drive and libido problems. Basically, the show was about four different women (no men, sadly) who either had lost or never had a sex drive. They were all in committed relationships, but none of them felt any feelings of pleasure during sexual intercourse of any variety. Each woman was taken into surgery and implanted with an electrode that stimulated an area of her brain associated with pleasure. After a lot of testing over a week's time, three of the four women were able to experience sexual pleasure again at the press of a button (although it didn't seem to fix the actual sex drive... just orgasm). Therefore, I do think that there are people out there that are asexual in general. However, (and don't take this as anything negative, please) I suspect it has something to do with a misfire in the brain/neurons perhaps considering the results of the experiment.

I know that until I was 16 I was frightened of sex. In my mind, I kept thinking to myself that I would be impure or corrupted in some way if I had sex. And that was just straight sex. Part of the problem for me was this self-guilt that I toted around with me. Maybe if I never had sex I wouldn't totally be evil (how very Catholic of me, even though I'm not a Catholic....), so I had resigned myself to avoiding sex if I could even though I fantasized about it all the time. I was kind of pressured into having sex for the first time, but it turned out to be a good thing for me because it made me confront that guilt and realize that if someone else wanted to have sex with me and didn't feel guilty, why should I? After that, it was never a problem again. So, in a way, I understand how you feel asexually. Or, I suppose a better term for my own version would be sexphobia? :lol:

Anyway, I hope that was semi-coherent. Someone burned a bag of popcorn a few minutes ago here and I feel high from all the carcinogens in the air.:grin:

[ccdd]

I don't know much about asexuality, but what I would say is that for me, sex is the least important part of a relationship. Ok, so I've never had a sexually satisfying relationship yet (I have yet to date a woman), but I already know that for me, sensuality is more important than sexuality. OK, so this may sound like it contradicts a post I just wrote about how I have just discovered how I am a sexual being, but actually it doesn't, because what I mean is, sex is not my driving force, if that makes sense. I'd much rather date a sensual woman than a sexual one. Or maybe these are the same thing? I don't know. What I mean is, firstly, is that one thing I've been learning (and all these guys have been telling me - thanks guys!!) is that there's no need to label yourself. So you don't need to decide whether you're asexual or homosexual, and definately not yet. And secondly, I personally go through periods where I don't have a sexual feeling at all and then the situation reverses. So there may be weeks (at times months) when you could say I am temporarily asexual, and then there are weeks/months/hours/days/whatever when I am sexual. I am not sure you have to be one all the time.

But also, is it that you cannot imagine yourself in a sexual relationship, or is it that you get no sexual desires at all? And you know, I'm like 23, and an awful lot of my friends haven't had sexual experiences and can't imagine themselves having one but I don't necessarily think they're asexual, they just haven't got there yet. But then you might be asexual - and I think that it would have more to do with hormones, than with experiences, I think. I think the same applies to asexuality as to homosexuality as to causes. (although obviously I don't know; but I would expect so). I mean, we already know that hormones affect sex drives, so it is perfectly reasonable to assume that asexuality is to do with hormones.

But I wouldn't worry about it too much. Although from personal experience I would consider whether there is a possibility that internalised homophobia is creating the illusion of asexuality. I am not - not at all - saying that asexuality doesn't exist, or that you're not, I'm just saying that for a very long time I thought I had no sexual feelings, but then I realised that I DID, but that I was completely supressing them. ie I would say to myself, I like to form "attachments" to women, not I am sexually attracted to women. Just a few thoughts anyway!!

[budhead]

But also, is it that you cannot imagine yourself in a sexual relationship, or is it that you get no sexual desires at all? And you know, I'm like 23, and an awful lot of my friends haven't had sexual experiences and can't imagine themselves having one but I don't necessarily think they're asexual, they just haven't got there yet. But then you might be asexual - and I think that it would have more to do with hormones, than with experiences, I think. I think the same applies to asexuality as to homosexuality as to causes. (although obviously I don't know; but I would expect so). I mean, we already know that hormones affect sex drives, so it is perfectly reasonable to assume that asexuality is to do with hormones.

I've had sex, both gay and hetro, but mostly gay. I didn't enjoy any aspects of any of it, the kissing, hugging, caressing, oral, etc... I felt no emotions.

I only seem to be able to pleasure myself. It's like I can't feel anything with others in the flesh. I enjoy mostly gay porn, so I do have a sex drive of sorts. I do masturbate and enjoy that.

I'm disappointed on how things have turned out, but I've come to terms with my lot in life. I just know now not to drag any other people into my situation.

I'm now content with just having friends. The only hassle is that some do push for sex. It has ruined some of my friendships. It's so hard to find a soul mate and this only further complicates things.

I was going to exit the "closet". I gather that it's not worth "Outing" myself as gay if I'm not a practicing gay. I am proud of being gay but will keep it to myself. I still hate it when other people ask me if I'm gay or insinuate it, it's none of their business and they should be subject to some kind of discipline. I've asked a few co-workers and friends to knock it off a number of times, but it still continues.

I may not be a true asexual, but it's the only label that I can give myself for now, "a gay asexual". I'll still try to show myself to the world as hetro who likes being single, although there's people who seem to take pleasure in outing me.

I hope that Zec24 finds the answers that she is looking for. I've only added to the confusion, I fear.

[Zec24]

Budhead you have certainly not added any confusion. It will always be a confusing thing. But I think I agree with ccdd, I think it might be a while before I find someone, but I think when I find that someone things will click.

I guess I just don't have a high sex drive. Although I could end up finding out I am asexual, but I wouldn't let that stop me from having a relationship, I'd just have to find a partner that understood or felt the same way.