I think my mother's having more issues than she lets on...

[xequar]

This is something that's been bothering me for a couple of weeks now, since the last time I went to visit my parents.

So of course, I came out back in March, and at the time, my parents seemed really supportive and everything. Since then, my dad has been incredibly supportive, and I think he and I are closer now than we were before. My mom, on the other hand, seems to be somewhat the opposite. Pretty much every time I've visited my parents since I've came out, my mom has made some comment like, "I wish I had had another kid," and things like that. At first, I attributed it to the fact that I'm an only child and she had all of these grand ideas about my wedding and grandkids and all that crap. Now, six months later, she is still lamenting about the grandkid thing, and she's made a point of mentioning how much she wishes she would have had another kid. The odd thing about this is that before I came out, she was very much glad that she had never had any more children.

I mean, at first I just kind of shrugged it off, but the last time I was there, she said it, and you know, it kind of hurt. My mom and I were always close, and now we hardly ever talk, and she's all on about having grandkids and whatnot.

So am I reading too much into this, or is my mom harboring some ill-feeling toward me? Does anyone have any insight?

[Vampyrecat]

I think she is putting all her frustration out into the open, and blaming you for your sexuality, to make herself feel better. She probably assumed you were straight, which is why she now wants another child, because she actually does want grandkids. I think she isn't doing the right thing by putting you down like that.
Try talking to her, and make her understand that just cos your gay, doesn't mean you can't get married and have kids. Make her understand that you are the same as you always were, you're just more open about it now.

hope this helps.
love and light and warm mushy hugs (cos everyone needs hugs)
La Vamp.

[Ilayis]

I totally agree with Vampyrecat,she said what I was gonna say!I hope your mom learns that she can have grandkids and all that,just not the way she expected.

[xequar]

Well, the other sticky widget here is that I have no desire to have kids, either, and I have told my parents this, as well. The odd thing is that when I came out, she said she knew I was gay since I was 12, and that coming out just confirmed it, but in the interim she had built some very elaborate fantasies in her mind about my wedding and grandkids...

[Louise]

My son came out to me recently and although I reacted well at the time, I was really shaken. Although mabe your mum shouldn't be saying these things to you, they are very hurtful, if as you say you were always very close things, time, love and patience will put things right.

Your mother may be like lots of people, when they are hurt they hit out at the person who hurt them. Read the link below and it might help you to understand what your mum is going through.

http://www.emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=930

If you talk to your mum and let her know how much her comments hurt you this might be enough to make her stop and think. Your mum needs you in her life as much as you need her, just give her time and understanding but if she hurts you tell her, not in a nasty big row but gently so that she knows that she has gone to far.

There are support books to help parents come to terms with this kind of news, your mum might feel less alone if she can find a support group/person. Your mum might need you to take her by the hand and guide her gently to full, deep acceptance.

I can only talk from the very recent experience that I have had, I don't know your mum but I am sure that loads of TLC from you will help her come to terms with all this. PS my son has said that he never wants kids either, but hey it's his life, I wouldn't want him to do something so important just to please me!!! Your mum will get there.

Best of luck(*hug*)

[TriBi]

It sounds very much as if your Dad has "rolled with the punches", but she is grieving for the loss of the future life she envisaged...that, of course, involved you...marriage...kids (grandkids for her)...etc etc.

If you look at the "Parent/Family Stages of Grief" thread - it actually mentions specifically that (I quote):
Grief occurs due to loss. And, that sense of loss is common with parents...When one comes out to a parent, the "loss" can stem from thoughts such as..."I'll never have grandchildren (at least by him)."

Check it out for yourself :)
http://www.emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=930

Maybe, if your Dad is so much more cool about it, you could talk to him and explain your concerns about her comments and how you find them hurtful. Perhaps he might try and explain to her? Just a thought.

[Zec24]

My family doctor told me the same thing when I talked to her after coming out to my parents. (she does counseling too). She said that denial takes a long time to get through. Your mom sounds a lot like my mom. My dad was generally okay with it, but didn't and probably still doesn't think I'm really gay. My mother on the other hand cried when she found out and blamed herself (yes very strange), then when I finally talked to her and my father face to face (I came out by letter, I live 10hrs away), she seemed okay with it in that she just understood that she couldn't change what was happening. Not that she wasn't disappointed, but she didn't blame herself at that point anymore. I've had a hard time dealing with my mother's reaction, I understand that she needs time and space to sort this out, but she does feel that homosexuality is wrong and I don't think that will ever change. My parents love me unconditionally they say, but that doesn't take care of the disappointment factor. As I once heard someone say "I don't want to be tolerated, I want to be accepted."

Your mom also has to deal with the idea that she will never have grandkids. I told my parents they weren't likely to ever get grandkids from me, but then they have 3 other kids who can give them that, so for my parents that is not a concern.

Also, (last point, I promise) you said your mother told you she suspected you were gay since you were 12. Well I think my mother also suspected (she has never said, but I get the feeling she did), but I think suspecting and actually hearing it from you and you confirming it is a totally different ball game. Suspecting is okay because it leaves room for the chance that it might not be real, but now that you have confirmed her suspicious there is no more "hope." Maybe you could sit down and have a serious conversation with your mom about what bothers you and what is bothering her. Other than that, just try giving it time. I'm almost a year into this with my parents and I don't think the situation has progressed much so I know this is a long process, unfortunately. Good luck with your mom, hope things get better.

[Bryan]

My mom is still acting the same way. But, I can still have grand kids and get married (in certain states), and so can you, so I think there is more of an underlying issue here, have you ever tried family therapy?