Big Life Decisions

[Zec24]

Well I've been kinda depressed lately (which seems to be a common feeling around here right now so I know I'm not alone). The situation is that I am having to make a huge life decision in the form of a career choice by tomorrow evening. Basically I'll be deciding what I'm doing with the next 8 yrs of my life. The problem is that when I've had the chance to discuss my options with some adults I can only tell them certain things that are affecting my decisions. So basically they are trying to help me without the full picture. Obviously I'm hiding that I'm gay, and unfortunately that is factoring into my decision very heavily at the moment and I can't talk to anyone about it. (my future job depends on me staying in the closet, at least for the moment).

I was thinking about bringing up the topic with my parents today since they already know (came out about a yr ago), but the problem there is that after initially discussing my "gay issue" with my parents we haven't talked about it since Christmas of last year. I've tried to give them time and space to get through the denial, but I'm tired of waiting for them to understand and be willing to talk to me.

So I guess my question is, how would you go about reintroducing a dead topic with your parents. I feel like I'm trying to come out to them all over again.:bang: This is really depressing me and I have no one else to turn to, so I am just going to have to suck it up and reapproach the topic with my parents.

Thanks for letting me rant as usual.:icon_redf

[Tom]

rant away, if u cant here then were can ya? and hope u make the right decision

[rorotherara]

You are going to have to but you will need emotional support from somebody who knows what you are going through. We, for example, the community on this website are always here to talk and listen to your problems. Remember, as hard it is for you, it is killing your parents ten times over. Legally the job can't technically refuse to hire or fire you just because of your sexual orientation (unless some certain specific jobs). Remember, you need to reintroduce the topic, but be strong as well as studious. We are always here to listen when things go awry.

[Tim C]

Let me make 3 suggestions:

1) Don't hide the fact that you're gay to anyone- ever. That doesn't mean you have to advertise it, share intimate details about it, or otherwise let others in on things you'd prefer to keep to yourself. But don't hide it as though it were something to be ashamed of! You've done nothing wrong. You're hurting nobody. Jesus clearly told us not to judge- he said nothing about not being gay. Worrying about the judgments of others is probably causing much of your depression. Let the chips fall where they fall. If people don't like or respect you, if people treat you differently, if people discriminate against you- be as classy, as honorable, and as strong as you can be. Fight when fighting is appropriate. Laugh it off when fighting's not necesary.

2) Accept that you don't have to worry about how others accept your sexual orientation. If they're uncomfortable with it, if they feel badly, if they try and make you feel guilty- it's truly their problem! Ultimately it's not that big a deal whether your parents accept your being gay- the issue is you accepting that you're gay!

3) Don't worry so much about trying to find perfect moments or trying to say something in some kind of perfect way. If you need to talk with your parents- just talk. Be as clear and direct as you can. They'll respond to the best of their ability because they love you. They may not have the experience with this issue to be comfortable with it yet. Their church or family history may have poisoned the well. But they'll do their best. If they discern that you like and respect yourself- that you're comfortable with it- it'll go a long way towards making them more comfortable.

You are obviously a bright, sensitive person. All the best!

Tim

[beckyg]

You are going to have to but you will need emotional support from somebody who knows what you are going through. We, for example, the community on this website are always here to talk and listen to your problems. Remember, as hard it is for you, it is killing your parents ten times over. Legally the job can't technically refuse to hire or fire you just because of your sexual orientation (unless some certain specific jobs). Remember, you need to reintroduce the topic, but be strong as well as studious. We are always here to listen when things go awry.


Actually it is still legal in the U.S. to refuse to hire you or fire you based on sexual orientation. That is why we are fighting for the ENDA (Employment Non-Discrimination Act) in Congress right now.

I would suggest that you DO talk to your parents. Sometimes they need help getting out of that denial stage. I've seen some stuck there for years and that is not good. It's what broke up my sons' first long-term relationship. They dated 2 1/2 years and he had still not met his bf's parents because his bf didn't want to bring up the fact that he was gay again after coming out initially.

[24601]

Legally the job can't technically refuse to hire or fire you just because of your sexual orientation (unless some certain specific jobs). Remember, you need to reintroduce the topic, but be strong as well as studious. We are always here to listen when things go awry.

Let me make 3 suggestions:

1) Don't hide the fact that you're gay to anyone- ever.

2) Accept that you don't have to worry about how others accept your sexual orientation.


Although I agree with a lot of what you guys said, there is one certain situation that I (at the moment) disagree with the above quotes, and if I remember correctly that's the situation Zec is in. Under the current American military policy "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" they can and WILL "fire" her for coming out, which would result in not only a loss of a job, but also a loss of a college education and an entire career. I'd say when treading down this road, that you must be very careful. It's hard to pick up the pieces of life after getting discharged from the military, especially if you're attending a military college.

Also, don't take what I said as meaning that I support the DADT policy, because my views on it are quite the opposite. But, at the time being, it's still in existence, and therefore must be dealt with in a practical manner.

Zec - I realize how rough it must be for you right now. I can't imagine being in your situation. Not knowing very many details, it's hard for me to actually offer much advice on your problem, but I'm not sure that's what you were looking for, anyway. I can guess, though, that the crossroads you're at now could be one of the biggest decisions of your life (since, if I remember correctly, you're graduating soon), and wish you the best of luck whatever road you take.

As for addressing your parents, I'd say go for it. You need someone to talk to, and ultimately, I think parents generally have the best interest of their children at heart. If they are still in denial, then I think you've waited long enough to let the issue resurface once more. Chances are, though, that they've come to at least a slightly better level of acceptance towards your sexual orientation over the last few years, and would be able to offer you better advice at this point in time than just about anyone else.

You shouldn't have to make do with giving the partial story. I sympathize for you. But, I'm sure you'll make the best of the situation you're in. In my opinion, addressing you problems with someone who can know the whole story would be most beneficial to you at this point in time.

Also, if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me. Or, I'm sure everyone else on here would be more than willing to offer advice if you post back here, again.

[Bryan]

I feel like I am in the same situation, my parents, well my mom more so, are in denial, and we haven't talked about in the last two months since I came out to them. I was thinking about ordering a book like "Now That You Know: A Parent's Guide to Understanding Their Gay and Lesbian Children" or "Always My Child: A Parent's Guide to Understanding Your Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered, or Questioning Son or Daughter" to be sort of a conversation starter. Anyway, good luck!

[beckyg]

Both of those are GREAT books! I think you should order them!

[rorotherara]

Actually it is still legal in the U.S. to refuse to hire you or fire you based on sexual orientation. That is why we are fighting for the ENDA (Employment Non-Discrimination Act) in Congress right now.

I would suggest that you DO talk to your parents. Sometimes they need help getting out of that denial stage. I've seen some stuck there for years and that is not good. It's what broke up my sons' first long-term relationship. They dated 2 1/2 years and he had still not met his bf's parents because his bf didn't want to bring up the fact that he was gay again after coming out initially.

They'll fir you for being GAY? Thats...thats...horrible!

[Sam]

you need to talk to your parents and actually they are probably just waiting for you to come to them and start talking. Are you going into the military? no matter what you are doing, having the support of your parents will help you and maybe they can give you some advice.

[Zec24]

Thank you 24601, I can't believe how mature and well-informed you are about things. Yes, the problem is I'm in the military. Now before anyone says that was a stupid choice, (yes there are days I regret it more than others) I didn't make the choice to join the military knowing I was gay. That came after I made my commitment and after they are paying for my education. If I got caught now I'd be in extreme amount of trouble and be paying back thousands of dollars which I don't have, and I'd have to face my family for living a lie to them for so long.

On that note, I appreciate the advice from the rest of you considering I didn't provide the full story. The reason I hesitated there, is that I am in contact with the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network and they told me my internet activity (claiming I am gay online) is grounds for expulsion from the Military Academy I attend. But I'm at the point where I don't care anymore if they do find out and so I'll be reckless and admit I am in the military.

The problem is that I am having to decide on what branch of the army I want to pursue when I graduate in May. I have two options I am mulling over right now. One will cause me to serve more years and increase my pain, but will set me on the path to having the future job I want outside the military. The other will only require a 5 yr committment but will not get me the job training I will need for the job I want outside the military. So that is where I am with that.

Commenting on one of Tim C's points. I shouldn't have to hide my sexualty from anyone. I would love nothing more, but for now the majority of people in my life will have to remain in the dark. The important members of my family know. My parents are still working on their issues with it, and I will talk to them at some point this week about it. Get a progress report if you will. And yes, I am coming closer and closer to accepting myself. I'm not worried about what most people think as I really don't care if I make people uncomfortable, but in terms of job security I will have to remain quiet.

On a positive note, I did come out to one of my good friends here at school today. It took me a while to get around to it with her, but she is completely cool with it, and said it was awesome I could tell her this. So now I have one person that completely understands my position.

Thanks again to everyone who posted, I appreciate the responses and concern.

[Sam]

wow well I say if you have to suffer for a few more years to have the dream job you want to have outside the military then do it! then you will be so much happier when you get out of military if you are going into something you love.

[beckyg]

I will be talking to my Legislators on October 11th at the U.S. Capital about the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. I would suggest all of you call your Senators and Representatives and tell them that you want this law repealed!