another suicide topic?

[xxAngelOnFirexx]

yeah i hate to be a disappointment but...

i've been really suicidal lately. like really. its not cause i think my life sucks. its way better than it was. yeah highschool is hard but its no reason to kill yourself. its not any one person or problem and not even a ton of little things together. i'm just sick of life. i'm like done with it.

and i didn't want to mention this before because i feel so guilty and bad and i didn't want to crush anyones hopes with me but i didn't try stop cutting. i just didn't feel like cutting so i wasn't. i hope this doesn't disappoint anyone as i really do feel very guilty if i lead anyone one but its hard for me to find a reason.

as my sister found out i had writting in my planner 'days without cutting' and then a number below it. when since it was day 5 i had a five. well i went to update it and crossed out the five with white out. my sister watches. i write a big '0'. she give me this look of horror. i laugh and say 'o well.' she says 'thats not something to laugh about!!!' i shrug my shoulder. i went to tell my mom but she get distracted with her friend that was over. i might tell her. we had a conversation the other day and she said that she knew i was going to relapse. i'm like why do you think that? she said "because you didnt stop because you wanted to you just don't feel like cutting." its like she read the thoughts right out of my head. i guess thats cause she's a mom. my mom. she would know. so i don't have to worry about displeasing her. although she looks at my scars/cuts with disgust (then again i do sometimes too.)

but back to the topic of suicide. i got far enough that i have/had a plan. well two actually. one would make it look like an accident (although i confidentiol i talked to doesn't seem to think so) and the other one i didn't tell noday but that is extreme, only if like my mom dies would i ever try it (and i hope that never happens in 60yrs). but i'm just very very depressed and sad. no reason. its not PMS this time either. nothing happened. and my meds are stable. i just don't get it. i just don't think i have a future thats worth waiting for. i am reassured that there is so many other things to live for that are good. but what about all the pain and heartbreak? why would i want that? and with my mental problems i got a good nother 25 years of therapy and the rest of my life on meds. how fun! thats no way to live. i mean it could be worse but its just so boring! talk about being bored to death!

I just don't know what to do anymore. and the reason i cut yesterday was so i didn't kill myself. not just to cut. if i hadn't have i probably wouldn't be here right now.

*i apologize deeply in advace for any worry, pain, sadness, disturbing, or anything that i may cause by this post. it is not intended but i just have to get my feelings out and talk to somebody about them.*:icon_redf :help:

(&&&) (*hug*)

[justjoshoh]

I hope that you are talking to someone beyond the people here, perhaps someone that you can talk to face to face. I can't even begin to understand the situation that surrounds you, though I know that there are people available to help in these situations. I fear that the responses from a web based message board is not sufficient to meet you needs.

I take it from your posts that you have been in therapy, or are in therapy. If so, is there an emergency number that you can call to talk to the therapist? If not, consider talking to a suicide prevention hotline, like the Trevor Project. If you can't talk to your therapist and the situation cannot be resolved over the phone by a hotline representative, please seek the assistance of a trained professional by going to the nearest emergency room.

Tim C and Jim 1454 left very good advice in another thread for you. I know it has only been a week or so ago, but revisit the thread and see if you can gain any insight from their suggestions.

Get the help that you deserve.

[Davo]

Don't feel bad about telling us you still feel suicidal. None of us are disappointed, we all want to hear from you, even if you're not feeling any better. Telling us how you feel hopefully helps sort out your thoughts.

You do sound better, and I'm glad your mom seems to understand a little about what you're going through, having her care so deeply for you should help you see that killing yourself isn't going to solve anything, it'll just hurt her and everyone else around you

Justjoshoh is right. Look back at all the comments everyone has left you before, keep reading them as there is a lot of good advice out there. And don't worry too much about the future, life's difficult, and it's hard to see too far ahead. I find that if you just concentrate on getting through the next few weeks or months then things don't seem as bleak. Please keep posting even if things get worse

[xxAngelOnFirexx]

i've been real bad today. me and my mom got into a fight. we're better now but i had like everything set up (like a text message that says 'goodbye' all set up to be sent to everyone i care abouts cell phone...) and i was just really hurt by things my mom said. i think i'll call i suicide hotline when i get the chance today. its getting very serious.

[Jim1454]

Please do! Don't wait...

[xxAngelOnFirexx]

okay see i was going to call but i got overwhelmed and...

yeah i tried to kill myself. i'm alive unfortunatly. :bang: shouldn't have given up so easly. i won;t get into details for the weak of stomach. but i really needed stitches. my mom just gave me a bandaid. grr... :dry:

[xxAngelOnFirexx]

never mind going to get stitches. it leaked through the bandaid.

[TriBi]

Morgan - when you get back, please follow through on the suggestions to talk to the suicide helpline. This certainly looks to have gone beyond something you can deal with yourself, or with which people here can help with typed words.

I may be wrong, but I think that, although your Mom undoubtedly loves you, she is not responding in a way that "meets your expectations", probably because she just doesn't understand - and not being a mental health professional, cannot read the signs and react in a way that will help bring you out of this.

You need to talk to someone who does have the knowledge of these situations. Suicide is NOT an answer. As someone who has been through a period of depression (to the point of understanding how people could think "what is there to live for?") I can say this. I was lucky enough to come out the other side - and am now happier than I have ever been. It can be done - YOU can get there too.

DON'T give up. DO get help - start with one of the Suicide Hotlines - talk to someone.

[Midnight Angel]

i've been real bad today. me and my mom got into a fight. we're better now but i had like everything set up (like a text message that says 'goodbye' all set up to be sent to everyone i care abouts cell phone...) and i was just really hurt by things my mom said. i think i'll call i suicide hotline when i get the chance today. its getting very serious.

At least you are realizing that it is getting serious and you need to do something about it. I know you said you tried already and it didn't work. Which is good. You may not want to hear that but it is good that you failed. Because we don't want you dead.

[Vampyrecat]

Angel, have you ever considered that you might be vitamin B deficient? Vitamin B deficiency can cause tiredness, suicidal depression, mood swings and all sorts of nasty side effects. You say your medications are stable so that probably means you're missing out on something that you need. Try taking vitamin B tablets for a couple of weeks, because if you are deficient,then it will help you a LOT. My counsellors son was Vitamin B deficient and he was exactly like you, really depressed, suicidal, literally on the verge of committing suicide. Also, try eccanasia (I think that's how you spell it) its a herbal thing. it tastes lousy, but it'll help give you a bit of energy. One thing I found was that when I was suicidal and depressed, I tended to have less energy then normal.

We love you all so much Angel, and I really hope you get through this. We're all here for you. PM me anytime if you need to.

[xxAngelOnFirexx]

okay i called the suicide hotline last night and they weren't too helpful but i hope if i call again that i get a different person. all they said really was very obvious. the help they gave me was 'to think about the people it would affect and live for them not myself'. i mean she sounded half a sleep and was hard of hearing so it was kinda annoying. i mean that was the only reason i was living already. but yeah. not much else to comment on.

[xxAngelOnFirexx]

i'm done talking on EC about my feelings. if you have said that you will talk to me about them then i will PM you or talk to you on msn if i need to. otherwise i'm sick of being though an attention seeker. i am not.

[Paul_UK]

That's your choice, of course. I don't see anyone accusing you of being an attention seeker in your threads here though.

[bvtsjm116]

i'm done talking on EC about my feelings. if you have said that you will talk to me about them then i will PM you or talk to you on msn if i need to. otherwise i'm sick of being though an attention seeker. i am not.

I feel the same way if I post topics about myself or talk too much about myself, but don't worry! We're all here for you and willing to help you through rough times(*hug*) I don't think of you as an attention seeker and I'm sure nobody else does.

[xxAngelOnFirexx]

i don't want to have that as a reputation. i personally don't think i am and i really wish i could talk about my feeling here but i keep getting harassed. not in the threads but in the chat. so i feel that i have no other choice.

[Revealed]

I wish you the best of luck in getting the right help to see you through this hard time Angel.

Despite what you are feeling, it's a good sign that you actively sought help through a suicide hotline. I'm sad to hear that the operator couldn't give you any advice you haven't already heard, but it was a brave move just for you to dial the number and talk to someone. I really do hope the next person can offer you a new perspective on how to manage these thoughts.

And don't be afraid of people thinking you are an attention seeker. From what I have read, you mainly post threads when you need help. You haven't posted anything that suggests you just want to be seen or heard. You have posted when you really do need advice and support. And that is what EC is for. I've never used the chatroom, so I can't comment on how things have been in there. But I think anyone who makes that type of suggestion should really consider what they are doing & the impact their comments may have.

I do hope to read up on how you're doing, so if anyone has left any negative thoughts in your mind, please ignore them. Alot of people here genuinely are interested in your well being. (&&&)

[Louise]

As long as you keep reaching out, we will be here. You can't hope to fight this on your own and I am very glad that you phoned a suicide help line, even if they didn't do you much good, it was the right thing to do.

There are loads of people here that desprately want to help you, don't cut yourself off from us because there are a few insensitive people in the chat. I would say at worst stop going to the chat for a while.

I would love to be able to help you but I have little knowledge of what you are going through. I read your posts, I try to understand, you sound like a kind, intelligent caring person who at times needs love and support. We all of us need love and support in different ways. I haven't seen any attention seeking behaviour, I see a girl who is having great difficulty coming to terms with her life and is asking, very reasonably, from the people around her to help her through.

I see your pain, I share a tiny part of your pain and feel completely incompetant faced with something so completely out of my sphere of experience but I will be more than happy to reply to your requests if ever I think I might have something of consequence to say to you.:icon_sad:

[xxAngelOnFirexx]

I :bang: want :bang: to :bang: die :tears:

no matter what i try nothing ever seems to work. :tantrum: :tears:

[xxAngelOnFirexx]

:help: :tears: i don't know what to do anymore

[Revealed]

(*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)

I couldn't think of anything to say that might make you feel any better. I know your in a really bad place right now....but we're all still here.

[JayHew]

Angel,
We have tried to be lenient with you concerning the various posts you have placed in regard to self injury and now suicide. There are many here who would be more than willing to help you, but unfortunately are not in a position to do so and you seem to be willing to be manipulative in what you are trying to do. No more. This thread is closed as it serves no good purpose other than to be a means of stroking your ego in some manner that appeals to you.