I want my ex to come out...

[kuzmaster]

Im in a bit of a difficult situation.

A while ago i started going out with one my my friends who is bi and out to a few of his friends (including me). We didnt get particularly close... we made out a few times but thats all. But i did really like him. Im gonna call him Peter

But then nothing kind of happend for a while, so i approached him about comming out fully.
You see, at school, everyone knows that im gay, and no one really has a problem with it.

But it isnt like that for Peter, so he didnt like displaying public affection (kissing, hugging, holding hands etc) with me because he didnt want everyone else to know he is bi.

So i though that if he fully came out, we would be able to do that and i could... i dont know things would just happen more.

And i spose the fact that we are always together in public adds to the problem.

So then i suggested to him that he should come out, or just be able to show public affection because our relationship is going nowhere slowly. He just said that he will come out when he is ready, which i spose is understandable.

Then that afternoon, although he said the words, we mutually broke up. He said that he still likes me, but it is best that we break up. I agreed with him and that was that.

But then, a couple of nights ago (about... 2 weeks after we broke up) we were all at a party/movienight/sleepover (although the only sleep we did was like 2 hours at 7pm the next morning :P) When we finally fell asleep (peter and i ended up sleeping next to each other) i cuddled up close to peter and put my arm around him, and he.... held it. So i knew that i spose he still might have feelings for me.

I havnt talked to him since that.

So....

I dont know.

I really want him to come out so i can ask him back out, but then i dont want to force him into coming out, i want him to be ready...

what should i do?

[Micah]

Coming out is a person's own process. It should always be taken at a pace comfortable to the person coming out. Sure, sometimes bumps in the right directly can be helpful, but they can also backfire.

Just because people accept you, does not mean they'll be as accepting towards Peter (for example, his friends outside of school and perhaps family are different from your own). Keep in mind that school is not the only place people need to be out.

Also, ask yourself, is public affection necessary, or does him being out even guarantee he'll want to be affectionate in public? "Being out" and "public affection" do not go hand in hand. Someone may feel comfortable being out to your friends, but might not want every stranger to know.

While I think you're the prime person to help Peter through his coming out process, I would try to avoid forcing him out of the closet too soon. Also, while cuddling can be fun, it can also lead to mix signals and heart break. If you want to get back together, or suspect he still likes you, I would strongly suggest talking to him. It's the best way to avoid confusion.

=]

[Bryan]

Coming out is a huge step in someone's life, and you need to give them their time and space. You might want to try talking to him, but be kind and tell him that you will support him when he is ready, and wont push him to come out.

[Louise]

I think you need to give him time and support to come out when he is ready. It might help him to know that you are there for him but without putting any pressure on him.

He is obviously not as far along the road to accepting himself as he is as you are. He will get there and if you really like him, travel along this road with him but at his pace. Why can't you have a relationship without public affection? That is not all there is to a relationship. As your relationship grows Peter might feel more comfortable with himself and the situation and then be able to come out. In the mean time you will just have to give him friendship and support.

Ending your relationship might just have caused Peter more confusion and hurt at a time which is particularly difficult already. Talk to him, he obviously still likes you. Maybe he is scared of starting things up with you again for fear that you will pressure him into something he is just not ready to do. You will only find out by talking to him. :thumbsup: