Am I gay?

[jake83]

This post is dedicated to all those guys who are in a closet so dark, they don't know where they are.

What a question to ask ourselves, right? It's not "I don't want to be gay" -- that much, we know. "I want to have kids someday" -- that much, we know. But no matter how strong those thoughts make themselves, something always has to make itself known. It has to butt in when you don't want it to. It has to build up late at night, a thought that gives you pleasure and guilt. Confusion and clarity. It is you versus you. And that never feels very good.

At my boyfriends birthday party last night, I was talking to my twin brother. A quick recap: He came out, then went back in the closet. I came out, and he decided he was straight. Last night, he asked me: "I bet you're wondering what I'm going to do". He's never really talked about that time where he came so close to recognizing who he was. His decision? "I'm hoping to find a girl who will understand who I am, and be ok with it."

Of course, this decision isn't viable. It can't work. But for me, it symbolised how we try and try to do anything but admit we are gay. We can think up grand schemes, long term plans, complex dualisms, and so much more. We can confront ourselves and delude ourselves at the same time. We can confuse ourselves with brilliant paradoxes, that leave us stagnent and stationary.

I recognise the space my brother is in, because I was there too. When I came out, through my own way, all my anxiety and complex paradoxes floated away -- I simply didn't need them anymore.

But I couldn't try and convince my brother of this. He has his own "brilliant plan", his own way of dealing with his feelings. We all start by trying to do this. You might be reading this after doing the same kind of thing.

All I can say to you is, allow yourself a safe space of thought. You have to come out to youself, before you can come out to anyone else. You have to break it all down to the most simple level, and seperate what is attraction and what is ideology. You have to know that everything you think about what being gay is about, is wrong. You'll find your own path; and it doesn't have to look like anything you've seen before. Just be true to yourself, and take it in steps.

It's all very complex right now, yes. And in your mind, it could be this way forever. But as long as you try to juggle these things, and rope in these poor women into your confusion, you're right. But, writing to you from somewhere down the path you know is availiable, I can say that it's good. It's complete. It's over. I'm gay -- now, I can get on with my life. And prove that I'm so much more than just a sexuality.

You'll get there in time. I just need to let you know -- it's not as bad as you think. Please don't allow the "getting a wife/family" thought to battle it out with "I'm gay??". What I've learnt is that we don't get to make those choices. You can't pick which you would prefer, and go with it. Because if you decide that socially, you'll get where you want to be with the "wife and kids", and that "being gay" will be too much of a set back, you're normal. But there is one problem: you still don't get to make that choice. If you decide to have the wife and kids, you won't be a happy straight guy. You'll be battling the same things you're battling now, except it will be even more complex. You need to know that as long as you enjoy the idea of being with another guy, you'll be in a living hell as you delude someone you love (the girl). You need to know that being with a guy that you love (yes, it can happen) doesn't come with that fear. You need to know that whatever you do, it affects no one else but you, and the girl you might want to "try out". There may be moments when you are real with yourself. Take notice of the things that take you away from that, and evaluate them. Break the cycle. Move forward.

I don't know what will happen with my twin brother ultimately. I know he is gay. He's chosen, so far, at 23, to try and find a girl who will be ok with it. I told him of a couple I knew who were gay & lesbian that did that, and he started with "it's not like that" before he couldn't be bothered with it. He knew that I knew. That made him uncomfortable, because he chose not to know himself.

We've all been there. We've all been caught between what we are and what we want to be. We've all seen how we can change ourselves in other ways, so why not our sexuality? I used to think, if anyone can do it, I can. And I tried, and slept with some of the most beautiful girls this world has ever known. It only made me feel guilty in the end, because although I recognised thier beauty, I felt like I was depriving them of the true connection that they deserved.

You'll get somewhere, in the end. Look ahead, and see how you feel about it. But don't think of the simplicity of "wife/family" and "I'm gay". Get real with yourself, and realise the nuances of truth and feeling that you will experience in both avenues. Away from everything else, that's what matters day to day. Don't put yourself (and potentially others) in hell to live up to some external concept.

Am I gay? The answer: Yes, but I don't want to be. Now, consider this: What part of that answer can you change?

[Triplume]

This is amazing; it really is. I recently had to help a friend answer this very question, and I wish I'd read this sooner because some of the things you say really hit home. Your words capture exactly what I wanted to tell him.

Really, thanks so much for writing this. I think this benefits everyone, whether they're out or not.

<3.

[TriBi]

Yes - I missed this first time around too...

...extraordinarily perceptive...

[Will1975]

Very good post. I can relate to the whole story. I have experienced a failed marriage and all the guilt that goes along with it. And I myself have been looking for a way to be a happy straight gay guy. I must agree it doesn't work. I am not out yet, but posts like this definitly help.

Yes I am gay, and I want to learn to enjoy it...

[ampthejazz]

This is an excellent post.

Good luck to your brother. I hope he figures something out.

[tired_of_lying411]

This is amazing! It should be on the mandatory reading list for all gay people!
It's the perfect summary of gay life from acknowledgment to coming out, written in retrospect. Perfection.
It's the exact description of what's been going on in my head for the past four years.

And the grammar/use of words -- Impeccable! :eusa_clap

[Sam]

you know I used to be in such denial about who I was and even though in my heart I knew I didn't want to admit it to myself I was so unhappy about it that I buried it deep inside and then when I was finally ready to let go of my denial and admit to myself this is who you are now deal with it I was still unhappy I eventually accepted myself but it was a confusing and hard road and until that person is ready to face that road to acceptance they are not going to they are just going to be in denial. It took me years to finally accept myself and I hope anybody that is having a hard time accepting themselves can finally start trying to go down that road to accepting themselves I hope your brother can soon I know its hard and I know we are all here for each other and I wish the best to anyone who is confused

Sam

great post!

[ampthejazz]

I'm thinking this should be a sticky.

[Paul_UK]

OK, it's stuck. :)

[tired_of_lying411]

Yay!!!!

[hagardner04]

I must say that is a very profound post. And I believe its something that will hit home to alot of people on here. Like I told a friend once, "It's not like I've chosen to be gay. Who in their right mind would chose a lifestlye that attract so much condemnation, and ridicule?" I too, have desperately tried to be straight. I've had serious relationships with men, but I just never felt whole and always felt guilty for leading them astray. Anyways, once it sunk in that I was in fact gay regardless if I chose to be or not, I'm now learning to accept it and make the most out of it.

[Zaurak]

So true, so many questioning people feel like they had their future stolen, like somehow they were culled into a life of secrecy and misery, yet you have also shown that it is better to live a life that makes you happy that to live a lie that deprives you of it. It may make you scared but the existence of fear is a hell of a lot better than the absence of happiness.

[Jim1454]

Wow! I'm awestruck with the depth and insight of the original post here - from someone that is 23 years old. I wish I'd had the insight that he does at that age. Instead, I find myself grappling with this question now at 36. What a lot of heart ache I could have avoided for myself and others had I been more aware of my own feelings and orientation...

My story? Its far from over, but here it is so far... Never felt connected to anyone. Always felt a little different and alone. Hadn't had a serious relationship with a woman until I met my wife, but never imagined that I should be with a man. Got married - not because it was the thing to do, but because I had never considered any other options, and because I loved my wife. Had two kids - beautiful little girls - now 3 and 6. Found myself more and more attracted to men - ultimately found myself in the grips of a destructive addiction to sex which often lead to empty, anonymous meetings with other men. Thankfully I've sought the help of a therapist and Sexaholics Anonymous '12 Step' groups. However, not before it cost me my marriage and a great deal of emotional pain for my wife.

Denial, whether it is conscious or unconscious, is a disaster waiting to happen I'm afraid.

I've just found this forum, and look forward to sharing with others that are in a situation similar to mine. Thanks!

[dfgnan21]

WOW!! That is the most helpful thing I've read... thank you so much for putting it into words so beautifully. Really helped! :icon_smil

[geoking66]

That's such a great post. I think that everyone can relate to that somehow.

[SpikySpice]

Amzing post. :eusa_clap

This really help me a lot to know who I really am and what I really want :thumbsup:

Now I learn that you always have to accept the true, if you try to change it, you get into huge troubles

And one more thig is just ignore people, because they are not the ones who can control you

Thanks alot for posting this post

[Midnight Angel]

This post is dedicated to all those guys who are in a closet so dark, they don't know where they are.

What a question to ask ourselves, right? It's not "I don't want to be gay" -- that much, we know. "I want to have kids someday" -- that much, we know. But no matter how strong those thoughts make themselves, something always has to make itself known. It has to butt in when you don't want it to. It has to build up late at night, a thought that gives you pleasure and guilt. Confusion and clarity. It is you versus you. And that never feels very good.

At my boyfriends birthday party last night, I was talking to my twin brother. A quick recap: He came out, then went back in the closet. I came out, and he decided he was straight. Last night, he asked me: "I bet you're wondering what I'm going to do". He's never really talked about that time where he came so close to recognizing who he was. His decision? "I'm hoping to find a girl who will understand who I am, and be ok with it."

Of course, this decision isn't viable. It can't work. But for me, it symbolised how we try and try to do anything but admit we are gay. We can think up grand schemes, long term plans, complex dualisms, and so much more. We can confront ourselves and delude ourselves at the same time. We can confuse ourselves with brilliant paradoxes, that leave us stagnent and stationary.

I recognise the space my brother is in, because I was there too. When I came out, through my own way, all my anxiety and complex paradoxes floated away -- I simply didn't need them anymore.

But I couldn't try and convince my brother of this. He has his own "brilliant plan", his own way of dealing with his feelings. We all start by trying to do this. You might be reading this after doing the same kind of thing.

All I can say to you is, allow yourself a safe space of thought. You have to come out to youself, before you can come out to anyone else. You have to break it all down to the most simple level, and seperate what is attraction and what is ideology. You have to know that everything you think about what being gay is about, is wrong. You'll find your own path; and it doesn't have to look like anything you've seen before. Just be true to yourself, and take it in steps.

It's all very complex right now, yes. And in your mind, it could be this way forever. But as long as you try to juggle these things, and rope in these poor women into your confusion, you're right. But, writing to you from somewhere down the path you know is availiable, I can say that it's good. It's complete. It's over. I'm gay -- now, I can get on with my life. And prove that I'm so much more than just a sexuality.

You'll get there in time. I just need to let you know -- it's not as bad as you think. Please don't allow the "getting a wife/family" thought to battle it out with "I'm gay??". What I've learnt is that we don't get to make those choices. You can't pick which you would prefer, and go with it. Because if you decide that socially, you'll get where you want to be with the "wife and kids", and that "being gay" will be too much of a set back, you're normal. But there is one problem: you still don't get to make that choice. If you decide to have the wife and kids, you won't be a happy straight guy. You'll be battling the same things you're battling now, except it will be even more complex. You need to know that as long as you enjoy the idea of being with another guy, you'll be in a living hell as you delude someone you love (the girl). You need to know that being with a guy that you love (yes, it can happen) doesn't come with that fear. You need to know that whatever you do, it affects no one else but you, and the girl you might want to "try out". There may be moments when you are real with yourself. Take notice of the things that take you away from that, and evaluate them. Break the cycle. Move forward.

I don't know what will happen with my twin brother ultimately. I know he is gay. He's chosen, so far, at 23, to try and find a girl who will be ok with it. I told him of a couple I knew who were gay & lesbian that did that, and he started with "it's not like that" before he couldn't be bothered with it. He knew that I knew. That made him uncomfortable, because he chose not to know himself.

We've all been there. We've all been caught between what we are and what we want to be. We've all seen how we can change ourselves in other ways, so why not our sexuality? I used to think, if anyone can do it, I can. And I tried, and slept with some of the most beautiful girls this world has ever known. It only made me feel guilty in the end, because although I recognised thier beauty, I felt like I was depriving them of the true connection that they deserved.

You'll get somewhere, in the end. Look ahead, and see how you feel about it. But don't think of the simplicity of "wife/family" and "I'm gay". Get real with yourself, and realise the nuances of truth and feeling that you will experience in both avenues. Away from everything else, that's what matters day to day. Don't put yourself (and potentially others) in hell to live up to some external concept.

Am I gay? The answer: Yes, but I don't want to be. Now, consider this: What part of that answer can you change?



I agree that this is quintessential and valuable. There are a few small parts i want to argue. I agree that you shouldn't let the wife/family battle with the i'm gay. Myself i strongly don't want either. I operate fiercely independently so being gay or straight has no implication on me whatsoever( I prattle on and on in my other post). Next is the part about delusions and paradoxes. It's true that these leave anxiety on people who don't feel right putting on a facade, but what about the people who feel comfortable in secrecy? I think there are some people (at least i hope im not the only one:icon_eek: ) who don't feel like keeping it locked up in Pandora's Box stops them from living. I also agree that you shouldn't do things that don't feel right in your mind and not to live up to external pressures. The part about not being able to make that choice. I say to that au contraire. maybe my need for control is kicking in but i think you can. I agree when you say you cant force yourself to be happy when it isnt there but i think you can find a happy medium between those. Finally the last line is where i'll end. People who are stubborn like myself wont want to change that answer. Again that message had important and valuable details in it and was well written. I just wanted to contest a few bits of it for me and anyone else who feels that way.


All comments welcome:icon_bigg

[kevinx519]

wow. this is a great post! it reminds me of how when i first recognized i was gay, that i could somehow marry a woman and have kids. it captures all the same feelings i've had and im so glad i've read this post earlier on in my life. this is life knowledge that ill make sure to keep with myself as long as i can. kudos for the post. =)

[CelebrityHead]

Excellent post, Jake! Like everyone's already said, it hit home, we can all relate to it.
Oh and perfect writing! :thumbsup:

[downboyup]

i've had both relationships with men (2 -3 years at a time) and also a 7 year marriage. i am now a single dad with a beautiful 11 year old daughter. i do not regret being married. i sought it out as i really wanted a family. it was she that ended it - not me. i never cheated, nor did i regret not being able to sleep with men whilst married. i gave it my all, and also a lot of love.

i am not sure what i will seek in the future, but just wanted to say in my instance having a predominantly gay life before marriage, that no one got hurt because of this and we are able to move on. For me the purpose of raising a child did not necessarily have to conflict with sexual desire.

I recently tried to have a relationship with a straight single father. We lived as a family and 'domestic partners' for some time and i love him greatly, he knows this, but just wasnt 100% interested. now that was frustrating and harder to handle than my marriage was!!! i was a fool.

good luck to any married men out there who are gay. and please remember when it comes to choice of sexuality over family that being a part of a family is important too and if you can somehow combine the two then well done.

if there are any single men out there with kids who want to form a family - let me know - i'm available!
:)

[Scoz]

I enjoyed that post and some of the responses . I know from experience as im sure alot of you do that alot of us will go for the "so-called" easy option of doin the wife and kids thing , but it often ends up being more confusing than ever . I know with me i loved a girl i even asked her to marry me , i really wanted to . As time went on she found out i liked guys , she even said it was ok and went with me to a gay and lesbian social group . I then fell in love with a guy and even though she didnt know i was in love with him she was ok with the sex , she even joined in . But i realised no matter what i was living two lives one gay and one straight . I know a lot of people identify as bisexual but i cant , i feel stronger for men , and i couldnt put her through that . I knew one day it would be too much for me and her . So i ended it . I look back on that time in my life and it really was special , but there was to much hurt for everyone involved .

I'm really glad i read this post , even though i dont regret what happened i hope someone has read it and can go pretty much straight to accepting who they are . Because its a hard journey for all of us and i hope by discussing things like this it can make it go a little easier on someone else .

[G1969]

This original post is SO deep and true. Your brother KNOWS who he is but is fighting to fit in the "conventional mould" that society puts on us all. The perfect life (the American dream, whatever you want to call it) with a wife, kids, a house (and maybe a dog too!) If he "chooses" to fall for that, a rude awakening is awaiting him one time or another. I got married 13 years ago to my wife with whom I've had a great time. We now have 2 kids (a boy 9, and a girl 7). Perfect family indeed! However, my true identity surfaced quite strongly several weeks ago. Although I knew something was "not right" with me for awhile, I "chose" to ignore it and kept being my straight self. Well, now, I KNOW who I am, even if I still don't necessarily like it. But I KNOW that to be true to myself and to my wife, I have to tell her, hoping that she will support me (at least eventually). This has been a VERY difficult "decision" for me to make cuz as you know, many married guys who are gay DO decide to "live" with that, either cheating on their wife or not. In my case, I just couldn't do it because marriage is sacred and MEANS something to me. I wouldn't want my wife to cheat on me, so I have absolutely NO RIGHT to cheat on her. As hard as this will be, I am planning on telling her shortly. I hope that your brother LISTENS to his inner self and doesn't fall for what society expects of him (or what HE thinks society expects of him). This is one time where I think being selfish is OK. Yeah... he needs to be selfish and treat himself right!

[ALieToDieFor]

Omg.I so almost cried.

(&&&)

[chris211]

wow nice very helpful

[Ashabi]

Wow that was so insightful... I guess as a girl, we have slightly more options but the whole "marriage vs. girlfriends" thing still applies. So we could have kids... but there's still a lot of pressure to get married.
And something's gotta give there, and like was said, you just gotta think "I am gay/bi and I don't like it", and work out what part of that you can change.

[xxXJoe15919Xxx]

you know I used to be in such denial about who I was and even though in my heart I knew I didn't want to admit it to myself I was so unhappy about it that I buried it deep inside and then when I was finally ready to let go of my denial and admit to myself this is who you are now deal with it I was still unhappy I eventually accepted myself but it was a confusing and hard road and until that person is ready to face that road to acceptance they are not going to they are just going to be in denial. It took me years to finally accept myself and I hope anybody that is having a hard time accepting themselves can finally start trying to go down that road to accepting themselves I hope your brother can soon I know its hard and I know we are all here for each other and I wish the best to anyone who is confused

Sam

great post!


I was one of those people and now u have inspired me to come out of the closet and finally tell my family what i have been keeping from them all these years. Thank You for inspiring me to take look in the mirror and accepy that who I am. Everyone I am gay and I am proud of it.

[ccdd]

Of course, this decision isn't viable. It can't work. But for me, it symbolised how we try and try to do anything but admit we are gay. We can think up grand schemes, long term plans, complex dualisms, and so much more. We can confront ourselves and delude ourselves at the same time. We can confuse ourselves with brilliant paradoxes, that leave us stagnent and stationary.

OMG I only just read this. The grand schemes, complex dualisms, brilliant paradoxes - this puts into words what I now see to be the unconscious workings of my mind, as it commits purjury against itself. In this passage I see how my mind has been constantly working, coming to false terms with what is the truth.

In spite of what my posts might indicate, I am out to myself only for about half an hour maximum at any one time. Then the denial, delusion, and complex explanations set in. It is only really in the dead of the night, like now, that I ever truly confront the possibility. This post really affected me tonight.

[numb3rs]

Great post mate.

I was married for 9 years before I accepted myself as a gay person, now that I am out, I have never been happier, I have 3 boys and love with my heart, but now i can find the true me and someone to really share it with.

My coming out experience had prompted me to create a website dedicated to coming out in Australia, but can also useful worldwide. So any Aussie members looking for some more resources and information goto http://www.comingout.com.au

Cheers,

Wayne

[chrisbrgstrm]

I've always wondered how hard it must be to go back into the closet, it must feel somewhat demoralizing. I have a few friends who have came out and gone back in again, and i just cant understand it, i mean coming out is so hard! why after all that you have gone through to come out to choose to go back in, and the possibly suffer the whole coming out thing over again, not to mention youre parents, friends and familys confusion to what exactly you are, i mean we're born this way - How can we prove that to people to say that's not true, when we go back in or say we're straight, i'd love to actually talk to someone about this - i'm not saying that people who do this are wrong, i guess i'm just a little confused how they feel after doing it.

[Katness]

I must say. That is a great post. And some of the best advice anyone in that position could hear.

When I was going through the "am I gay" part. I never had anyone to talk to me or tell me that. So I ended up figuring it out on my own. But, I'm glad this is here. Because then others who don't have anyone to talk to can still get help with what is going on in their head. (!)

[heatqueen]

Yes, this sums up much of what I've been through. I spent 2 years fighting with myself to try and prove I was straight, but now it feels a lot less of a burden because I've finally accepted my feelings. Looking back, I can say it was always evident that I was going to be a lesbian. Once I even actually said "I hate boys". I don't think I meant it literally, I mean, I'll be their friends and stuff, but I just don't really connect with them in the same way I do with girls.

[DreaminCali]

This is extremely reassuring. I feel warm inside now.(*hug*)

[Norwegian91]

Amazing post! Speachless!

[John Smith]

Thank you so very much Jake83 for describing what so many of us go through or are currently going through. There is tremendous conflict between trying to conform to the ideal of getting married and having children, buying a house and living happily ever after, but still not accepting the truth of your feelings, and then simply following your heart and acknowledging that you're gay.
I try to avoid thinking about all of this - the possibilities of normality - and occasionally succeed, but your intelligently written and thoughtful analysis really brings it home to me that there is a choice, and despite the angst and bitter emotions generated when confronting it head on, it really has to be made, if only for peace of mind.
Your words are bound to be a great comfort to many people like me in the EC forums.

[littledinosaurs]

This post is dedicated to all those guys who are in a closet so dark, they don't know where they are.

"I bet you're wondering what I'm going to do". He's never really talked about that time where he came so close to recognizing who he was. His decision? "I'm hoping to find a girl who will understand who I am, and be ok with it."

That was me a a few years ago.

[Wolfbane]

Wow....that really makes me stop and think...think about who I am...who I want to be. Who my friends are, and where they are going. Wow....that really moved me. Thank you, for so much more. *hugs*

[paint]

I need to follow this advice and face the question, and I need to do it soon because I know I will find an excuse to stifle my feelings in an attempt to numb myself. Every time I realize this I get a sick feeling in my chest; I'm afraid that coming out will confuse my situation, and that chaos would ruin my chance for a future.
I'm glad I found this place; it's nice to have somewhere to talk and think without feeling as if under observation.

[italianheather1]

ahmazing :D

[Algernon M]

I really like this post. It's very insightful and comforting to many people. However, allow me to propose another idea, one not meant by any means to be offensive to anyone. I myself am struggling with my sexuality. Why else would I be here? I understand the feelings that a gay person has, because I truly am going through it. Therefore, I'm not a judgemental, narrow-minded gay-hater or anything like that. That being said, I would like to propose the idea that we do have a measure of control over what we do in reaction to feelings and emotions. Notice I did not say that we have control over what we feel (ie. whether we are attracted to guys and/or girls). I think feelings are impulses that we can seldomly control. But the "I'm gay, I don't want to be, but I can't do anything about it" approach is not, in my opinion, altogether wise. Now, if you do want to be gay, who am I to say you're wrong? We as humans don't have the right to say what is right and wrong, plus I'm going through the same thing, so I especially don't have the right. But saying you can't do anything about it if you don't want to be gay implies that you have no control over your actions. It implies that you take what the world has handed you and go with it. Is that truly strength? Let me propose that even if you are attracted to guys (or girls for the girls reading this), it does not have to mean that you are gay. Though you can't necessarily control the attraction to men (or women), you can control what you do about it. I, for instance, am refusing to be gay. I'm fighting it. Those reading this will probably say that I am just complicating things for myself, or depriving myself of something wonderful and carefree, or other things like that. Perhaps. Perhaps I am depriving myself. But to say that I am a slave to my attraction to guys seems worse than deprivation. I would much rather be able to choose what I believe I should be (once again, if you truly want to be gay and believe you are, who am I to try and change you? I'm just saying what I believe for myself). So basically what I'm saying is this: If you are gay and don't mind it, fine. Humans are humans, so we can't be judgemental. But if you are gay and truly, in the bottom of your heart, do not want to be, I suggest that you don't have to be. Fight it long enough, and you can change. Persevere. This is my belief.

[paint]

I think I understand what you are saying, and I am very happy for you, because your happiness is important.

However, if you intend to visit this site in search of others who bear the same burden, it could be hazardous. Many people that seek this place as a refuge come with a weakened and weary mind, and are easily persuaded....sometimes people do not know what they truly want until they have seen it for themselves. I thought that I wanted to be straight, more than anything in the world. But when I met some of the people here, and came out to my parents and my best friend, I realized that all I wanted was to not feel ashamed, and I believed that the feeling didn't come from the inside.So you never know .

[Algernon M]

Oh no, I wasn't searching for people to back me up. My only intention with that post is to offer another option to people who don't quite know what they want yet. As I said, some people may choose the gay way, which is just fine if that's what they truly believe they should do. But others, like myself, may want to at least attempt a fight. I just want people to know that they are not automatically gay if they have feelings for guys. Now, those feelings may develop into a homosexual way of life if one lets them. I'm simply choosing not to let the feelings develop. And think of it this way: deciding to be gay (if, in fact, one does decide, which is a very long and, as of yet, never ending psychological debate which I'm not particularly willing to get into at the moment) and coming out to the world is final. Once you come out, you can't really go back in. It's permanent, unless you move to a different country or something. So if, one day, one decides he really wants a wife and children and a family, that door is closed. However, if one attempts a fight, one of two things will happen. Either the person will ultimately lose the fight for whatever reason, in which case that person knows that he/she is gay and will not go back, or the person will win the fight, and find out that it was a phase, and be able to move on. It's up to each individual which path they take, and neither one will be condemned by me.

Thanks for the comment, paint!

[Calucifer]

WOW, excellently written and a very good message, I really enjoyed reading it, though i already came out to myself and a few friends.

Btw: CelebrityHead, is that SasuNaru on your avatar? :P XD

[imsogoodatbass]

love that last sentance......so true

[sjfb08]

good look to u all

[vladior]

I use to question my sexuality, I attempted suicide alot. Then I Came to terns with myself. But ur story is touching...just make your proirtys straight.. family or Gay life ur choice -hugs-

[cm25]

wow exellent post!!this is something i really needed to hear. I am in the denial stage right now but after reading this i hage started to accept who iam and that i cant do anything about it. I have started to believe that being gay is great abd some of you may not believe it like i do but i wouldnt traid it for anything actually because his is how i was made and i was madelike this for a reason. -cody

[Blitzkrieg]

This was a very inspiring post, I think it's a struggle we can all relate to. :)

[Prairie Boi]

Very great story. Thorough and intelligent. Hope this reaches more people.

[Chris89]

This is a very good post.
Everything in here is true. I would have never believed that a person was capable of hiding their true identity from themselves so fully until I experienced it myself.
A person really does have to admit to themselves, and even come out to themselves in a way, that they are gay/lesbian/bisexual. One wouldn't think this would be necessary, but our minds really are extraordinary things. They are very capable at hiding painful things we don't really want to deal with.
This will continue to shed a lot of light for people...best post I've read on here so far, even though I'm new....

[ColtonSmiths]

Yeah, I remember going through this. It took me about a year to come out to myself, but then I could come out to other people easily.
Also, the wife/kids battle was about 6 months, but I've convinced myself to the point where I don't even really want kids.

[BlakeHarmony]

Am I gay? The answer: Yes, but I don't want to be. Now, consider this: What part of that answer can you change?

Wow, that really struck home. Thanks.

[Prairie Boi]

I think one thing people need to start thinking about is that being gay doesn't have to mean saying goodbye to the dreams you had. It means adapting them. Just because you're gay doesn't mean you can't have a family with kids. It just means the way in which you have them may be different than you imagined. But it is not a clear cut decision: either I'm true to myself and never have a family and kids, or I lie to myself to have the family and kids.

Times they are a changin' and many gay men and lesbian women are raising children as we speak.

Best to all.

[Blaz]

Oh no, I wasn't searching for people to back me up. My only intention with that post is to offer another option to people who don't quite know what they want yet. As I said, some people may choose the gay way, which is just fine if that's what they truly believe they should do. But others, like myself, may want to at least attempt a fight. I just want people to know that they are not automatically gay if they have feelings for guys. Now, those feelings may develop into a homosexual way of life if one lets them. I'm simply choosing not to let the feelings develop. And think of it this way: deciding to be gay (if, in fact, one does decide, which is a very long and, as of yet, never ending psychological debate which I'm not particularly willing to get into at the moment) and coming out to the world is final. Once you come out, you can't really go back in. It's permanent, unless you move to a different country or something. So if, one day, one decides he really wants a wife and children and a family, that door is closed. However, if one attempts a fight, one of two things will happen. Either the person will ultimately lose the fight for whatever reason, in which case that person knows that he/she is gay and will not go back, or the person will win the fight, and find out that it was a phase, and be able to move on. It's up to each individual which path they take, and neither one will be condemned by me.

Thanks for the comment, paint!

I strongly agree with you. I don't think we should really be forced to come out when we don't know what we want. I'm putting up a fight, but I'm not mad with whatever wins. I just want to find out who I am first.

[silentsound]

thank you. thank you for writing this, thank you for your courage, thank you for your honesty. This is where I am right now, and although I have posted my questions and troubles in a few places, I have never had it all laid out so clearly for me. Thank you for that. Thank you for shining light in a dark place.

[anonymous12857]

this is an excellent post . everyone could relate to this and helps makes us realize that it just isnt myself against the world!