Too Much Influence

[jocr92]

I am just having a really hard time coming out to anyone. I've come out to three people, but i dont talk to them often.

These are my problems i suppose
1) Influence of friends
2) Influence of parents
3) Influence of school

1) There are like, 5 gay/bi/lesbians in my group of friends, and they are always at the butt end of the homo jokes ("oh, you like it up the ass, dont ya?" and other sexual induendo and stuff like that.) im always on the other end, and its not that i dont mind, its that i dont want to be part of the end of the jokes. im also having trouble coming out because, they asked me and i said no. i dont want all of them saying behind my back "yeah, i knew it." Also my "ex-girlfriend" (im bi, but she doesnt know) i put the quote quote because we werent really going out or made out, we just loved each other so much and admitted it. I dont want her to have the wrong impression. i still love her very much, even though i like guys. its hard because one of the fecking gay guys tease me about being fem and all that good stuff. i mean, wtf? he's gay, so why is he teasing me?

2) I had the chance to tell them. One of my friends (soooo fecking hot, btw. very conceited and gay :D) is gay and i told my mom because she knows him. we got into a talk and she asked me if i was gay. i said no. i guess i didnt have the courage to say yes at that time and i still dont. i know my mom may be fine with it, but behind her back and in her mind (she is so old style japenese, where you keep everything to yourself, unless it is the right time) and probably judge me and all that stuff. i dont want to be asked "do you have a boyfriend" or questions like that. that would make me feel awkward and i dont want that. i dunno about my father, i dont talk to him much. i dont know much about him and when im not in control of a situation, i dont handle it well.

3) School. In Hawaii, i know that there are no heavy sterotypes or cliques because we all blend together. I go to an all Hawaiian school, so there are basically very little bullying or fighting or a really heavy influence of cliques because we all share on thing. now this may be racist or whatever against my own race, but we are gay. there are alot of guys/gals that i know are gay. Ok, im not popular or anything, but this is how it goes. Most of my class (about 3/4 of 450 students) know me. I ran for student government last year and made myself stand out. new school = new challenge. I always wanted to help my class. I also did outrageous things like protest against or horrendous class t-shirts and other things that upseted my classmates. I recommened better communication and interaction with the students and was shot down multiple times (as stupid as it sounds, they only put MY plans into action THIS year. kinds too late). I spoke up for what i believed in and took every complaint i heard and talked it out. I am NOWHERE near to good looking or stuff like that, its that alot of people know me and im not over exagerating. juniors and seniors know me as well. i dont want word to spread, simply put

i dont have much self eesteem and i dont have much well, courage to say anything. i want to say something, but i cant. sry for this long thread but its just so hard. i love these two... well, three, but one im not sure if he bends so i cant say i have a chance.

This guy, Sean U. is the conceited guy. he just spends so much time on his looks and his body and well, himself. He likes to talk and she so hot. i dont like him just because his looks. his conversations are at some level of intellect (which is a turn on) but i dont have a chance. 1. he doesnt know 2. i look nowhere as good as him. im obese and have coarse hair and in like 5 years, with my dietary habits, no neck. Second, is Brandon. He is good looking, not smart (he is very sheltered... nicely put) he has a hard time understanding alot of jokes and other stuff and i dont want to explain... its not worth it. he is an incredible athlete and... well, i dont know what the feck to do.

i cant... end up like that gay guy who teases me. he is trying too hard to be gay, im serious. he strains his voice to have that fem tone and when he starts a sentence with "honey...." it just sounds wrong. i dont want to be the butt end of the jokes and i dont want to be the qossip story of the moment.

I dunno what to do.

[Jim1454]

i dont have much self eesteem and i dont have much well, courage to say anything.

Hi there. I had to repeat that line above - and challeng it. You say you don't have much self esteem, but you also said that you are very active at school and vocal about the things that you think are wrong and need to be changed. That takes a lot of courage!!!

However, being gay and dealing with that is a totally different animal, isn't it? It's unfortunate, but it's true. At least now you're aware of your orientation. When I grew up, I was either totally clueless (quite possible) or I lacked the courage to even consider that I was gay (another distinct possibility).

Being comfortable with yourself - how you look, how you dress, how you present yourself - is critica before you're going to feel comfortable letting someone else get close to you. Otherwise you'll forever be doubting: 'how can they love me with all these flaws?' The fact is, we all have flaws. We can work on the ones that we have the power to change, and we need to accept the ones that we really can't do anything about.

When you feel good about yourself - and can show that confidence about yourself and your orientation, then you'll ATTRACT the guys that you like - you won't need to worry about them liking you - you'll know they do. And it isn't so much a physical change - it's a change in attitude that could make all the difference.

Plus - you don't have to act any differently than you already do just because you're gay. The other guy you talk about - who seems to strain to talk in a fem kind of way - that's just him. That's not everyone. It certainly isn't me. Just be you - and being you happens to include being gay. Accept it.

And come out to people only when you're ready. There's no timeline. No race. No need to rush into anything that you're not comfortable with.

Sorry for the 'ramblings' - but wanted to share my thoughts and provide some encouragement. We're all in this together to some extent! Good luck.