deeNIreland
27th Jan 2008, 12:32 PM
Hi,
I am brand new to this site, and I only discovered it after Googling for help for my parents in accepting that I am gay. I like some of the information that I have read on the site so far, and I hope that when I show my parents some of the material it will be beneficial to them, and our rapidly deteriorating relationship. I want to outline my story also, with the hope that some one can give me some ideas/information about how to deal with it.
I came out to me parents in the summer of 2007. I am 21, and from Northern Ireland. I had been hiding this secret from as long as I can remember ever being attracted to anyone, so probably around 12-13 yrs old. My decision to tell them was by no means easy. Somehow, I managed to tell them, just by saying we needed to talk. My parents were really mad with me and extremely angry. Neither of my parents spoke to me for approximately 3 months. I stayed out of the house for as long as I could. I worked extra hours at work as Uni had finished for the summer. I didn't see them and they didn't see me. I admit that I too was angry with them for how they treated me. They went on holidays in September. They rang home to check how things were. They spoke to my sisters (neither of whom knew that I was gay at the time) but never spoke to me to see how I was doing. This hurt me a lot. When they came home, things seemed to be going smoothly. They initiated conversation with me, which I respected them for, and was thankful for. My parents absolutely forbade me to tell me sisters. So I didn't. I wasn't allowed to mention my boyfriends name in the house, let alone bring him to it. I told my friends, most of whom were a great source of support.
However, shortly after christmas 2007, my sisters discovered I had a boyfriend (my youngest sister read my text messages and told my other sister) - so there was a huge breakdown in the house again - I feel like I've lost my youngest sister (who is 18) who doesn't really speak to me, and my other sister, who is 20, speaks to me on occasion. However, she has told me she doesn't care if I am gay or not, I am still her brother. She still finds it hard to cope though. I feel also that my parents are back to square one with coming to terms with my sexuality. Two of my closest aunts have filled my mothers head full of false hope by telling her "its a phase, he isn't really gay." Upon hearing this I drove to speak to them both to tell them I do not appreciate them making comments such as that. They basically shrugged and told me "ok". So I am up against this aswell.
Recently my parents have become extremely hostile toward me. Especially my mother. She takes all her feelings out on me, and has been doing so no matter what I do. I asked her yesterday for example "what's for dinner?" and she waved her hand at me, and walked away, muttered "f**k off", slamming the door behind her. This was the icing on the cake for me, the final straw with their (mostly her) reaction me me, and I yelled back at her "well do you know what, f**k you!". In retrospect I know this was not the most respectful thing to so, but I feel that I am compromising so much for my family and I am getting nothing back. I do what they asked of me and don't speak about my boyfriend, I don't bring him to the house (which he hates and I hate) and I keep that aspect of my life to myself, so I don't know what else I could do. I need to get something back from them. They think that they are the only one's who are hurting about this. I don't think they realise that their actions are killing me. The only reason I am currently living at home is because I go to university in my hometown. And it is a waste of money to have to pay rent etc for a house when I have one right there. Also, with my wage, in part time employment, it isn't possible to move out.
Sometimes, I wish that I weren't gay, purely because it would be easier on my family. Then I remember how much I love my boyfriend and that being straight wouldnt make me any happier.
I cant think of any other ways to help my parents come to terms with things. I have given them all the time and the space that they have needed. I feel its time, after 9 months, that they gave me something back.
I'd appreciate any comments or information.
Many thanks!
I am brand new to this site, and I only discovered it after Googling for help for my parents in accepting that I am gay. I like some of the information that I have read on the site so far, and I hope that when I show my parents some of the material it will be beneficial to them, and our rapidly deteriorating relationship. I want to outline my story also, with the hope that some one can give me some ideas/information about how to deal with it.
I came out to me parents in the summer of 2007. I am 21, and from Northern Ireland. I had been hiding this secret from as long as I can remember ever being attracted to anyone, so probably around 12-13 yrs old. My decision to tell them was by no means easy. Somehow, I managed to tell them, just by saying we needed to talk. My parents were really mad with me and extremely angry. Neither of my parents spoke to me for approximately 3 months. I stayed out of the house for as long as I could. I worked extra hours at work as Uni had finished for the summer. I didn't see them and they didn't see me. I admit that I too was angry with them for how they treated me. They went on holidays in September. They rang home to check how things were. They spoke to my sisters (neither of whom knew that I was gay at the time) but never spoke to me to see how I was doing. This hurt me a lot. When they came home, things seemed to be going smoothly. They initiated conversation with me, which I respected them for, and was thankful for. My parents absolutely forbade me to tell me sisters. So I didn't. I wasn't allowed to mention my boyfriends name in the house, let alone bring him to it. I told my friends, most of whom were a great source of support.
However, shortly after christmas 2007, my sisters discovered I had a boyfriend (my youngest sister read my text messages and told my other sister) - so there was a huge breakdown in the house again - I feel like I've lost my youngest sister (who is 18) who doesn't really speak to me, and my other sister, who is 20, speaks to me on occasion. However, she has told me she doesn't care if I am gay or not, I am still her brother. She still finds it hard to cope though. I feel also that my parents are back to square one with coming to terms with my sexuality. Two of my closest aunts have filled my mothers head full of false hope by telling her "its a phase, he isn't really gay." Upon hearing this I drove to speak to them both to tell them I do not appreciate them making comments such as that. They basically shrugged and told me "ok". So I am up against this aswell.
Recently my parents have become extremely hostile toward me. Especially my mother. She takes all her feelings out on me, and has been doing so no matter what I do. I asked her yesterday for example "what's for dinner?" and she waved her hand at me, and walked away, muttered "f**k off", slamming the door behind her. This was the icing on the cake for me, the final straw with their (mostly her) reaction me me, and I yelled back at her "well do you know what, f**k you!". In retrospect I know this was not the most respectful thing to so, but I feel that I am compromising so much for my family and I am getting nothing back. I do what they asked of me and don't speak about my boyfriend, I don't bring him to the house (which he hates and I hate) and I keep that aspect of my life to myself, so I don't know what else I could do. I need to get something back from them. They think that they are the only one's who are hurting about this. I don't think they realise that their actions are killing me. The only reason I am currently living at home is because I go to university in my hometown. And it is a waste of money to have to pay rent etc for a house when I have one right there. Also, with my wage, in part time employment, it isn't possible to move out.
Sometimes, I wish that I weren't gay, purely because it would be easier on my family. Then I remember how much I love my boyfriend and that being straight wouldnt make me any happier.
I cant think of any other ways to help my parents come to terms with things. I have given them all the time and the space that they have needed. I feel its time, after 9 months, that they gave me something back.
I'd appreciate any comments or information.
Many thanks!