Looking for advice

[john]

Hi,
I've been searching the web trying to find some advice and I'm hoping this might be the right place.

I am straight, and while I have a few aquaintances that are gay/lesbians, none of my immediate friends or family are (as far as I know), though this is not by choice. Either way, I could care less, sexual orientation is up to each individual and would never change or affect how I view someone.

I found out today that my fiancee's sister Liz has come out of the closet. My fiancee and her other sister (they are 3 sisters) have suspected as much for awhile, so in a way the "coming out" was not much suprise.

I have three questions that i was hoping to get some advice on:

1- Should I say or do anything in acknowledgment of Liz coming out of the closet? again, it changes nothing for me. She is a great person that I am excited to soon call my sister (in law), and my inclination is to just go about things "business as usual"... but I wonder if I shouldn't say something to her to let her know that I "support? respect? acknowledge?" her decision, and that I'm there for her is she needs anything (knowing that unfortunately "coming out of the closet" is still not the easiest thing for people to do). I guess I just want to let her know I'm there for her... without making it a big deal.

2- My fiancee is struggling a little bit with this announcement... She isn't a bad person nor does harbour any ill feelings towards gays/lesbians, but she grew up in a very conservative religious home, and as she's matured into adulthood, there have been many issues that she's struggled to come to terms with. She loves her sister immensly (all 3 are very close), and she wants to support her strongly, but in the back of her head she clearly has some thoughts that don't follow with what her heart wants to do. For example, she made a comment like this :" I don't think Liz is totally off guys, so maybe there's still hope"... she said this tongue-in-cheek, but as I tried to explain to her, even if she is outwardly supportive of Liz, if she goes on having thoughts like that without challenging them, inevitably Liz will be able to read that in her tone/body language, and they might grow distant as a result, or at least it will cause Liz uncomfortableness that she doesn't deserve to feel...
What can I do, without being overly confrontational or condescending, to help my fiancee understand that she needs to abandon that way of thinking and truly embrace Liz's lifestyle as openly and freely as if she were straight?

3- Finally, the root of my fiancee's issues lie with her mother, who despite being a wonderful and caring woman, can be quite overbearing and at times uses emotional blackmail with her daughters. She's a religious women, with eastern european heritage, who grew up in a small canadian town. I think she really does try to be open-minded, but in the end, whenever she feels that the family's religious values are being compromised, OR something may cause embarrasement, she can be pretty relentless in pressuring the daughters to change their decisions. I'm not sure when, or even IF Liz will tell her mother, but when the time comes, I'm quite sure that we will all be dealing with the reprecussions.
What, if anything, can I do to: A- help support Liz through this. B- Help their mother "cope", and help the family move forward with as little emotional hardship as possible? ( I hate using that word, as if someone really needs to "cope" with someone they love being happy and comfortable with themselves...)

Sorry for the long email, I truly appreciate anyone who takes the time to respond (links to sites with info on these kind of issues would be great to).

cheers and all the best.

[Cheese Love]

Wow! I think it's so great that you put so much thought into this. You seem like a wonferul brother-in-law.

1. Coming out, especially to family, is a really big deal. Immediately after, there can still be a little tension or embarassment after the whole ordeal... Especially if another family member has mixed feelings. If Liz openly talks about it, then I'd say go for it. But also go off of body language- if she really doesn't want to say or hear anything about it, you'll probably be able to pick up on it. But yeah... All in all, I'm sure it would be endearing to her if you just mentioned you supported her or something like that :]

2. And as for your fiancee and your future mother-in law... It may just take some time getting used to the idea. If your fiancee says something about Liz, you can always share your opinion and lead her on to the idea of embracement. And you're absolutely right, being confrontation/condescending won't get you anywhere. I'd say your best best would be just to speak just like you always do.

[kevinx519]

well this isnt necessarily my area of expertise considering ive only come out to one person, my best friend. but for me, id kind of want to know that im being supported. she's told you guys and may feel a bit insecure as to your feelings toward her. if you ever get the chance to speak to her alone, id say go for it and let her know how you feel. generally, it should lift a weight off her shoulders that she has someone to turn to if anything ever goes bad. your fiancee and mother in law both sound like very good people. but id do what cheese said and just let it simmer down a bit. they need to learn from a first-hand experience that their daughter/sister won't change just because of this new information. shes still the same person as she was the day before she told them. if need be, im sure liz could have the chance to try and hold a family discussion about her issues. but i think that should be her call considering that she might not want all the attention drawn to her. hope this helps a tid bit. best of luck!

[acorn7]

1- I think you should act the same with her, but definitely tell her you support her so she knows you're cool with it and there for her. If you don't mention it, she might think you're to ignore it.

2- It'll take time for your fiancee to fully accept it, but until then you can say stuff like "You know, she's still the same person" or whatever. Just share your opinion of the matter.

3- Again, it's a bit like your fiancee, it'll take time. Unless you're really close to the family, it would seem a little awkward for you to talk to her mom about it, but I think as long as you support Liz, that'll be the main thing.